8. Maddox
EIGHT
Maddox
“Hello? Jen? Jen, are you there? Hello? Dammit!” Shit, I think she hung up on me. Fuck! I toss my phone down on the table beside me, scrape my hand down my face, and rub my hand over my beard. I’m getting more frustrated by the second.
All this is weighing on me like an anchor tied to my feet, dragging me down to the darkest depths. I’m not even enjoying our gigs right now. I’m there, I’m playing all the chords, but my mind and my fucking heart are back home.
I’m lost to Jen Haner.
Everything I do, every day that she isn’t a part of my life, seems darker, duller somehow. How did I never notice this before? I knew something was missing.
Her. She’s missing.
Every day without her feels like a fucking loss I will never recover from.
“What’s up with you? You look aggravated as hell?” Silas walks out of the hotel room, sitting beside me on the balcony.
I can feel his gaze on the side of my head. He won’t let this go. Out of all of us in the band, he just knows when something is off with one of us. He always has. And Silas will call you out on your bullshit in a damn second, so there’s no use trying to lie to him. He isn’t going to buy it.
“That would be correct.” I sigh, rest my elbows on my knees, and rub my hands over my tattooed head. I would kill for a new tattoo right now. Something to distract me from the fucking mess I have allowed to fester between Jen and me.
How did we get here?
Why did I let things deteriorate to this point between us? Fuck, we’re barely talking now.
That’s a far cry from a few weeks ago when I fucked her on that porch outside of Christina and Rim’s house. That one has been tucked away in a very special spot in my spank bank, and I have thought of it often since we left on tour.
“Shit, that obvious?” I look over, and Silas, stares off into the abyss, lost in the view of the city we’re staying in tonight, or possibly like me, he is lost somewhere else, someplace else in time.
“Yeah, man, you were going through the motions tonight. The crowd wouldn’t ever know it, though. We’ve been at this too long. We can all play from muscle memory at this point.”
I never want to waste an opportunity to deliver for our fans, but man, I can’t stop thinking about Jen. I can’t entirely focus on anything else right now. She’s taking all my focus. It seems like there’s a huge clock ticking above my head, and my chance to be with her is about to wind down.
“I hate that I’m just not into it mentally right now. I never let shit get in my head like this, especially not enough to ruin a show.”
“You’re only human, Madd. Cut yourself some slack. You didn’t ruin the show. Like I said, no one but us would know that you’re having an off time.”
He isn’t wrong, but none of this sits right with me. I never want to disappoint our fans, but fuck, my heart is breaking.
I grab my phone and scroll through my pictures to see her beautiful face, stopping at a photo of her that means the world to me. I stare at her beautiful copper-brown eyes that remind me exactly why I miss her. Her dark locks are pulled into a low bun at the base of her neck, and I miss this woman so badly that I’ll never survive this entire tour without her; I’m so fucking stupid. I should have told her how I felt instead of waiting to let things between us naturally evolve. Instead, I’ve likely lost my shot because she keeps dating John.
Hell, I can’t even hate him. He does a lot of good. I noticed that when I stalked him on social media like the lovesick, crazy moron that I am. Donates to charity, volunteers. Hell, he is who she should pick. He would definitely be home for dinner with her every night. Just picturing him coming in the door and kissing my girl makes me mad. But he leads that nine-to-five life where I burn the midnight oil. Loving a rock n’ roller isn’t easy, but it happens, right? Look at Glory and Beck. They make it work and make it seem effortless.
Why can’t Jen and me?
“So, are you going to sit out here and look at pictures of your girl and wish you had done something different, or are you going to go get her?”
I stop on this one picture of Jen. She’s wearing her chef’s uniform. I love to see her in that damn thing. She looks fucking beautiful. She was headed to a catering event and made me a little cake and dropped it off for my birthday. Fuck, I am so stupid. This woman had been showing me this entire time that she was interested in more than sex, and I was just too dumb to take the hint.
“Don’t miss your chance like I did, Madd. You’ll regret it.”
I don’t fucking plan on it!