31. Francesca
After the vows were exchanged, we all moved to the wedding reception to watch their first dance together. I watched with teary eyes, I couldn’t recall the last time I was this happy, a kind of happy that made me want to cry.
After the toasts, the newlyweds headed to the dance floor and after their first dance the guests followed. Antoine was my first partner, then Vitelli, and on and on the men came wanting a dance. I could feel Cassio’s eyes burning through my skull, but he kept his distance.
It was equally frustrating and annoying. All I wanted was to be with him now that I knew how he felt. Maybe I had always known, but having heard the words come out of his mouth was a relief.
I reached my seat, tired from all the dancing, and out of habit, I reached for my phone, I knew no one was going to call me, but I checked it either way. I dropped the phone on the table when I saw the three missed calls. Everything happened as though I was on autopilot. My fingers swiped the name on the screen, and I pressed it to my ear. Slowly, I turned to the dance floor where everyone else was smiling and enjoying the party. The phone rang twice before it was answered.
“Francesca? Thank God. I tried to reach you before,” came his voice.
“Dr… Dr. Conrad?” My voice croaked.
Silence stretched between us.
“Francesca? Are you there.”
No. “Mhmm,” I hummed, unable to speak.
“I’m sorry, we tried but?—”
The phone slipped through my hand and in that moment, I felt the entire floor give way and it was like I was the one slipping away. My vision blanked, not before I saw Cassio watching me, I turned away and used the table to keep me standing.
“Francesca?” came his voice but it was muffled by the sound of my beating heart, which felt a lot like it was going to explode. “Francesca?”
I closed my eyes hoping that the dizziness would stop. Hoping that when I opened them up, this was just a nightmare, and I was still in Cassio’s arms as he said I love you.
“Shit!” he cursed.
He must have left me. I couldn’t tell what was happening around me, but seconds later, I heard Marie’s voice calling me. I felt her arm around mine and she escorted me somewhere into the house, or was it the house? I couldn’t tell.
“Don’t let her out of your sight,” Cassio shouted. “I need a fucking car right now,” he shouted some more.
“What’s going on?” Marie asked me and Cassio, I think. My eyes were open, but I couldn’t process the things happening around me.
“Principessa, look at me.” He placed his hands on my checks and forced me to look at him. “Stay with me, okay?”
I think I nodded; I don’t know but he let go of me. There were people around me, I heard their voices, but nothing made sense. Only when I felt myself being lifted up, being pressed against a hard chest, my head tucked in the crook of his neck, smelling his comforting scent, it was then that I broke apart.
The day after I ruined Marie’s wedding, I stood beside my brother. Donato stood closest to the coffin. Slowly it was lowered into the ground. I didn’t know who had moved first, but I now held Marco’s hand and he held mine. Over the past twenty-four hours, he was the only thing I could think of. The only thing I worried about. Without my mother, he was alone in that house with the monster.
The priest said a couple more words, and like the rest of his sermon, it vanished in the air. I hadn’t been able to make sense of them, the only thing anchoring me to the world right now was my brother. I needed to be strong for him, at least I could do this… I hoped.
Once the dirt was finally placed over the coffin, I felt the first tear escape and trail down my face. The thick black glasses and the large hat would thankfully hide them. As was customary, I waited there as people came to talk to us. They went on and on, and I couldn’t seem to see their faces, all of them joined in a blur. It felt a lot like a drug haze except this was reality. I don’t know how many people offered me their condolences, or how many offered their sympathies. I didn’t want them; I just wanted the pain to go away.
Two figures stopped in front of me, and I was given a comforting hug I could never forget.
“Frankie, I am so sorry,” Marie hugged me.
“I’m sorry for ruining your wedding.” My voice sounded robotic.
“Don’t.” She held my hand with force. “We are here for you, okay? Both of us.” She hugged me again and waited for Vitelli, who, like her, hugged me as though I was family.
They stopped a few paces from me and stood there waiting for something. I didn’t know what. Nothing was making sense today. Their faces diminished, and one by one they disappeared.
“Time to go, Marco.” Donato practically ripped him away from me and he protested. “Stop embarrassing me like you have been doing all this time,” Donato whispered wrathfully.
Marco wiped his eyes quickly; he looked at me but followed my father. I watched as they both entered the car and left. My mother hadn’t even been buried for an hour and he was already anxious to get away. I stood there on my own as a few others remained to give me their condolences.
The world around me began to close in. It became harder and harder to breathe and I could feel my lungs constricting. No matter how much I tried to pull in air, it didn’t come.
“Excuse me,” I said to no one in particular and walked away from the gravesite.
The longer I tried to distance myself, the quicker the trees began to close in on me until I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I stopped.
Placing a hand against the tree trunk, I tried to breathe but I just couldn’t. Desperation settled over me, and I tried to fight against the current that was pulling me back under. I was tired. So, fucking tired of fighting.
“I’m going to die.” I realized as I tried inhaling.
“Francesca.” I felt someone put a hand on my shoulder.
“I’m drowning, Cassio, I’ve been drowning for a long time.” I sobbed, fighting the tears. “I can’t breathe. I’m dying,” I repeated, complete desperation taking over me.
He spun me around and grabbed onto my cheeks.
“Look at me,” he ordered, and somehow, I managed to do so. “You’re not dying, Francesca. I’m never going to let that happen. Do you hear me?” He spoke with conviction. “Hold on to me. Let me fight the current for you.”
I broke down, tears that had been painfully pressing against my eyes now fell freely, they blurred my eyes and wet my cheeks. He kissed my forehead and brought my head toward his strong chest where I buried my face. I grabbed onto him as if he were my lifeboat.
“Let me help you,” he spoke against my hair as his hand caressed my back in soothing circles. “Let me save you.”
I couldn’t breathe. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, afraid that at any moment he would let me go and I would drown in the darkness. Please, I begged with each cry. Please.
“Breathe, Francesca. Breathe for me,” he soothed me. “Please breathe, Principessa.” The words caused me to become still.
One word and my fears abated, the tidal wave was drawn back, and I was once more left on the beach. Simply. Just like that, I was breathing. Air filled my lungs as I inhaled and exhaled following the rising and falling of his chest pressed against me.
When I finally looked up, the summer sun was shining through the trees, lighting him up as if drawn to him. The person who stared down at me was the same person I fell in love with all those years ago. The same considerate, compassionate, loyal, protective, and perhaps a bit possessive person, was looking at me through bright green eyes. The person I am in love with. Always was, always would be. Even when I hated him, that hatred was fueled by love.
I felt drained, the events of the past few days finally took hold of me, and with the addition of my panic attack, my energy was depleted. The words left my mouth, but I was too tired to take them back.
“Don’t let me go.” It was a desperate plea which held so many meanings.
“Never again.” He held me tighter. “Never. Again.” He repeated. A promise. An oath. “Let’s go home, Principessa.”