Chapter 54 Zeke
fifty-four
Zeke
I’ve never been to a funeral before.
My dad’s parents died before I was born. And I never knew my mom’s parents. So, my only family has always been my parents. It was always just the three of us.
When I was a little kid, I always wondered what it would be like. Other kids in school would talk about it, whether it was losing a grandparent or another elderly relative; they’d talk about all the food… and all the crying.
I guess I never thought my first funeral would be my mom. At least not this early.
“It’s the perfect day,” My dad says as we sit in my truck. People are pulling up to the cemetery, and even though I know how amazing my mom was, it’s still crazy to see the number of people here.
“Only the best for Mom,” I mumble, fidgeting with my keychain. I brush my thumb against the cross, perfectly fused to the back.
“Are you ready to go?” He places a hand on my shoulder, and I turn to look at the casket in front of all the chairs. The sun is shining on it, as if she’s saying hi, letting us know she’s here.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
I jump out of the truck and adjust my suit. My mom would always yell at me because anytime she’d she photos from my hockey games on Rockford’s Instagram, my tie would be crooked.
She hated a crooked tie.
“There’s a lot of people here,” I begin.
“A lot of people loved your mom.”
I see a lot of familiar faces and a lot of people I’ve never seen. It’s weird how funerals bring people together. Everyone always talks about weddings being a reunion; people rarely mention how funerals do the same thing with the same people.
“Hey, man.” Declan pats me on the back before pulling me in for a hug. “How’re you doing today?”
“I’m okay,” I respond. I thought it would be a lie, but I feel better today than I have in a while. Everyone was right; I can feel my mom’s presence here.
“Hi, sweetie.” Mrs. Sanderson smiles, placing a hand on my cheek, just like my mom used to. “She loved you so much. No parent talked about their kid as much as your mom talked about you. From the day I met her, you were her greatest pride and joy.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. “And thank you for being here.”
“Of course.”
Ember gives me a small smile and squeezes my hand, “We got you, okay?”
I nod.
Every person I love is here. Well, almost every person. All of my friends are here. My coach and the team are here. There are even people I’ve never even seen before coming up and telling me they're sorry for my loss.
But the only person I can think about is the one I pushed away. The one who trusted me enough to be open and honest about her own struggles, but the second I’m in her position, I pull back.
I hurt her. I wouldn’t blame her if she never forgave me. I told her I never loved her. That our relationship meant nothing, all because I blamed her for something that wasn’t her fault.
“Avalon?” my dad questions.
“She’s not coming,” I mumble.
“No, she’s here.”
I look up and see her walking up with Jay. My body is overrun with emotion.
“Mr. Harris.” I’ve missed her voice. I thought I needed to hear my mom’s voice, but I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear Avalon’s.
“Avalon,” he hugs her, “thank you for coming.”
“I wouldn’t have missed it,” she replies. “Elise was a special lady. I’m thankful that I got to meet her.”
“You brought a lot of light into her final months, Avalon. Thank you.”
“How are you doing, kid?” Jay shakes my hand while placing another firm hand on my shoulder.
“I’m alright,” I reply. “Thank you for coming.”
“Of course.” Jay walks away, finding an empty chair not too far from us.
And then suddenly she’s standing in front of me.
I wouldn’t have blamed her if she just ignored me altogether. But that’s not who she is.
“Hi,” she whispers.
“Hi. I didn’t think you’d come.”
“I’m here for your mom.” My smile fades.
Of course, she is. Everyone here is here for her, not for me, but to honor her memory.
“Yeah, right, I know—”
And then her arms are around my neck, allowing me to sink into her. I close my eyes, focusing on this moment, as I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her close.
“How are you doing?” she asks. “Are you okay?”
I didn’t realize how much I needed this.
How much I needed her.
“I am now.”
Ihaven’t seen Avalon since everyone dispersed at the cemetery. I’m finally at the part of the funeral everyone talked about when I was younger. The food.
We had the crying, the I’m sorry for your losses, the groups of strangers giving me hugs, and now we’ve made it to the food.
Unlike everyone else, I’m not that hungry. It’s been a lot already, and even though I’m happy knowing this is exactly what my mom would want, most of these people have no idea who she actually was.
Not like my friends. People who were with her daily and not just a coworker she was around every so often. Or hospital workers who only knew her as a cancer patient.
I’m not saying I’m not grateful for them being here, but I just want to talk to people who have real memories with her. Heartfelt memories.
“You gave a beautiful eulogy,” Avalon says, walking around the corner and into the living room.
Most of the guests are in our kitchen or out in the backyard. I went to the only place I could get some alone time.
“Thank you.” I swirl the coffee around my cup.
“You look good, Zeke.” She smiles. “Sober.”
I stifle a laugh. “Thanks. I am. You were right; it wasn’t the right way to deal with my problems.”
“Yeah, well, I usually am.” She sits down next to me on the couch.
“I’m sorry.” I stare down at my hands. “For everything that I said to you.”
“Zeke—”
“No. You were right. I had no right to be an asshole just because of what I was going through,” I respond. “You never once treated me like shit when you had issues with your mom and dad; I should’ve leaned on you. Instead, I pushed you away.”
“Why did you?” she asks. “Push me away.”
“It’s gonna sound really stupid,” I begin.
“Try me.”
“My mom told me right before she passed that she felt ready to go because of you.”
“Because of me?”
“Because of you,” I repeat. “My mom told me that for the first time since she got sick, she felt like I was going to be okay without her because I had you. Because you opened me back up to the world. Obviously, I did the exact opposite. But I guess in some fucked up way, I thought—”
“That she wouldn’t have died if I wasn’t in your life.”
“I know, it sounds stupid. Truthfully, it was easier to blame you than allow myself to come to terms with the truth. My mom was sick, and no matter how bad I wanted it, she wasn’t going to get better this time.
And she would’ve died whether I knew you or not.
And I’m sorry I allowed myself to use you as a scapegoat for my emotions. ”
“What made you change your mind?”
“My mom.” I grin. “She left me a DVD because she knew I’d spiral without her. And she told me she was happy she met the woman I would marry.”
Avalon’s eyes widen, and I laugh. I had the same reaction when I first heard her say it, too. I don’t think either of us is there yet, but if she’ll have me, I’d love for her to be in my life forever.
“Don’t worry, this isn’t a proposal. She gushed on and on about you,” I continue. “And when the video ended, it was like everything was clear. Especially how much of an ass I was to you.”
“You were.”
“And I’m not apologizing with the hope that you’ll take me back, which I’d love, because I love you regardless of what I said the other day, but I just miss having you in my life.
Whether it means us just being friends forever or you possibly forgiving me enough to take me back, I just want you in my life. ”
“I don’t blame you,” she says, reaching for my hand. “I did. Trust me, I did. I wanted nothing to do with you, but my mom came back last week. She finally decided to go to rehab, and she’ll be gone for the next year and a half.”
“Oh my god,” I gasp. “Avalon, h-how did that go? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she responds. “I’m bringing this up because after she left, I went into my room, and the only person I wanted to talk to was you.
I felt like you’d be the only one who’d understand how big this was because you were with me through the ups and downs of the last several months.
So much so that you’d also understand if I choose to not let her back in. ”
“So, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that you were an ass. The biggest ass. Like, you’re so lucky I didn’t beat the hell out of you after what you said to me.”
I laugh.
“But I also said something I shouldn’t have said—”
“You were right. If my mom had seen me, if she had been there to witness that conversation, she would’ve been ashamed. And I was, maybe not as quickly as I should’ve been, but once she talked some sense into me, I couldn’t believe those words ever came out of my mouth.”
“You’re right; you did deserve to hear those words.” She grins, grabs my coffee mug from my hands, and takes a sip. “It’s cold.”
“Yeah, well, it’s been sitting in that cup since we arrived over an hour ago.”
“It’s full.”
“I wasn’t really thirsty. This whole thing really isn’t my vibe. I’m just here because it’s what my mom wanted.”
“Then let’s leave,” she whispers.
“Leave?”
“You once told me that your mom loved hearing stories about other people; it gave her joy. Maybe today’s the day that we share stories about her,” she responds, and I tilt my head to look at her.
“What do you mean?”
“I think we should get your friends and head back to your place,” she continues. “And we’ll celebrate your mom the way she deserves to be celebrated.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Avalon stands up, putting her hand out for me to grab it. “Let’s go.”