Chapter 31
Canaan
Peace had evaded me since Kensie walked out of my life.
Discontentment and unhappiness affected my ability to function.
I’d been unable to even get into a car to drive around the city.
Meditation didn’t work. I even tried using Kensie’s ASMR playlist, but all that did was remind me of her.
After years of having purpose and drive, I couldn’t figure out why racing mattered anymore.
What am I trying to prove? Who cares if I become the first Black man to win a fucking race when Black men are killed for simply existing?
I’ve accomplished more than most people would ever do in a lifetime at a young age, right?
My time could be spent traveling the world and engaging in philanthropic activities.
Or open a nonprofit organization that teaches children about engineering and auto mechanics.
I could work at my company full-time instead of on a consulting basis.
Or I could work alongside Malcolm and become part of a crew for up-and-coming drivers like Gabriel.
The world was truly my oyster, and yet, I couldn’t drum up the energy to get out of bed.
Only nature and Ms. Murielle made me exit my sanctuary for any length of time.
She would make me shower, and she would change my sheets while I cleaned myself, though housekeeping wasn’t her job.
With no appetite, I only ate enough to get Ms. Murielle off my back.
I wanted to escape the world and didn’t know when I’d return.
No one could get through to me. Not Malcolm, Ms. Murielle, and definitely not my father.
I refused my father’s calls, unwilling to listen to yet another tirade of how I fucked up and somehow cost our company millions.
I did speak to my grandparents out of respect, though I never felt up to it.
They prayed for me, encouraged me, and asked me to visit home.
Barbados didn’t feel like home anymore. Any place that didn’t include Kensie would never feel like home.
My doorbell rang, breaking my desolate thoughts, and I ignored it, expecting Ms. Murielle to answer.
When it rang again, I checked the monitor on my bedside table.
The condo was empty. Ms. Murielle must have run an errand or gone home.
I then checked the camera and sighed when I saw the person standing there.
Nude, I slowly rose from my bed, pulling on the joggers that Ms. Murielle left on my satin bench at the end of my bed after I showered. I scanned the room and didn’t see a shirt or my sling. I held my left arm still in a cast to my chest and went to the door. “How did you get up here?”
Emme smiled weakly. “I wanted to check on you since you won’t answer my texts or calls. The doorman remembered me.”
“Remind me to report him.” I leaned against the door, debating whether to let her in my place.
She batted her eyes. “He couldn’t resist me. Don’t get him fired. I made up some lie to get up here.”
Her manipulative ass. I stepped back. “I’m good. Thanks for checking on me. Anything else?”
“I’ve never seen you look like this. Kensie must not be taking good care of you,” she said with disdain.
At her implied insult about Kensie, who had taken very good care of me until I ran her away, I clenched my jaw to stop the curse words that threatened to escape.
“Emme, stop coming around. Stop checking for me. Just stop. Please. It’s so over.
I don’t know what else I need to do or say for you to move on. ”
Emme’s eyes watered. “Can you please just answer me? Why her? I was there for you for years.”
I shook my head. “We both cheated on each other in college until I decided enough was enough, despite whatever lie you told Kensie. You were never there for me. You told me I was a fix whenever you were between boyfriends. You never asked about my life or seemed to care about what I did outside of the few times we had sex. Most of the time, we didn’t even spend the night together.
I’m not trying to hurt you anymore because I realized I gave you false hope every time I answered your call or text.
You’re here right now because of ego and nothing else.
You seemed happy when you told me about your man more than two years ago.
All you and I had was some lust, and that’s it.
From what you’ve told me, your man sounds like a better fit for you than I am.
And if you can’t let go of whatever is in your head about us, you’ll miss out on a love that’s meant for you. ”
Then the elevator pinged, and the doors opened right behind Emme . . . to reveal a stunned Kensie who didn’t move. I rushed from my place before the elevator closed again, leaving Kensie and me alone on the elevator.
“It’s not what you think,” I started and grasped her arms, pain slicing through my left arm and chest as I did so. Yet, I held on.
Kensie looked up at me. “It doesn’t matter. I know better than to drop by a man’s home uninvited.”
Surprised by her calm and even tone when I expected rage, I squeezed her arm gently. “I didn’t invite her, either.”
She held up her hand. “I shouldn’t have come.
Or maybe I was supposed to be here exactly at this moment to grasp the hurt Emme must have felt when she saw us splashed everywhere.
I shouldn’t have betrayed a friend like I did by being with you.
I knew how she felt about you and ignored her feelings.
” Kensie chuckled derisively. “Betrayal seems to be our little group’s hashtag.
I’m here because Ms. Murielle was worried about you.
Besides a haircut and some grooming, you look fine to me. So, I’m out.”
“I’m not fine. My head and heart are so fucked up. I don’t know what to think or feel about anything. It’s like I’m numb and don’t give a fuck.” Now that she was here in front of me, I didn’t want her to leave, but I couldn’t allow myself to tell her that.
“Because of me. You made that clear when you dumped me.” The doors to the lobby opened, and she said, “You can let me go now.”
“I know you don’t believe me about Emme. You won’t let me explain.” My voice trembled. I would focus on her immediate anger since I didn’t know how to apologize for how I ended our relationship.
“I believe you, so you don’t need to explain any further. We started off with a lie, so how could we possibly expect a happily-ever-after?” Kensie moved from my grasp off the elevator, and I released her. “Thank you. I needed this.”
“Needed what?” I blocked the door from closing. Kensie was leaving again. This time, on her own accord, and with every step she moved from me, my already shattered heart broke into even smaller pieces.
“Closure. I swore I wouldn’t be another sad song.
A pitiful woman hoping a man will wake up and see that she’s the only one for him when it’s painfully clear he doesn’t see her the same.
” Her chest rose before it fell in resolve.
“I’ll tell the truth. Everything is my fault, and I’ll deal with the fallout.
Hope your rep will remain intact. It’s the least I can do since I started all this when I asked you to pretend in the first place. ”
My forehead dipped as the elevator started ringing because I held the door open too long. “I thought you didn’t know about the video.”
The right corner of her lips curved downward.
“Who am I to teach the world about love when I didn’t know how to have it for myself?
You were right that I had no intention of calling you again after Montego Bay, and I made the mistake of telling Saraj I couldn’t stop thinking of our night together in Jamaica.
If I’d kept that to myself, maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did, trying to blow up my career.
Or if I refused to follow you to the kitchen or let you go down on me when I knew you were too much for me, there wouldn’t be a video.
Maybe Jamaica would’ve been a hot memory of us, and you would be standing right now victorious rather than broken.
I didn’t know about the video, but I did start all of this by default. Now, I’m finishing it.”
She turned around and walked away from me with her head held high.
As much as I wanted to go after her and hold on, I had nothing to offer her when I had no clue how I felt about anything anymore. I finally allowed the screaming elevator to close.
Darkness. Sweet, sweet darkness. I welcomed the night.
No expectations at night. I could sleep and wallow in pain uninterrupted.
Covering my head with my pillow, I closed my eyes.
Kensie defiantly stared back at me, telling me she would go public with everything.
Everyone would soon know that we weren’t really a couple or engaged.
Except we felt real. We were real until we weren’t.
Suddenly, the lights illuminated my bedroom. “Get up, Canaan.”
“I’m not in the mood,” I retorted.
Ms. Murielle threatened, “In two seconds, I’m throwing those covers off you.”
“I’m naked.”
“Then I suggest you get up on your own if you don’t want me to see your glory.”
When I didn’t move, cool air swept under the comforter, and I grabbed the material to keep it wrapped around me. “Okay . . . Okay. I’m getting up.”
“I’ll be in the TV room. Three minutes and I’m back here.”
She slammed the door behind her, and I swung my legs to the side of the bed, cursing under my breath.
“What did you say?” Ms. Murielle spoke through the door.
“Nothing. I’m coming.” Properly chastised, I pulled on the joggers I had on earlier and left my bedroom.
When I entered my media room, she had a photo of me and Kensie on my TV that I’d never seen. A picture of Kensie running into my arms after my victorious practice when she professed her love for the first time.
“Where did you get this?” I couldn’t tear my eyes from the evidence of our joy.
“I took the photo and kept it to give to you as a wedding gift one day. You were so happy in this picture.” Ms. Murielle sat in one of the recliners and patted the seat beside her.
I sat down. “We were.”
“And you can again, if you let go of what happened.”
“Trust was already hard for me because of my mother, and then add billionaire status, and I always have to keep one eye open,” I explained to Ms. Murielle. “I thought she was different.”
“She is, which is why you fell in love with her.” She poked my forehead. “Then you have to be stuck on stupid with Emme and run off Kensie. That woman didn’t want to come over here, and when I convinced her to do it, your ex is here?”
Edging to the end of my recliner, I bellowed, “You went to see her behind my back when I’ve asked you not to? Stay out of my personal business.”
“Lower your voice right now, Canaan Jackson, or so help me God, I’m walking out that door and not looking back.
” Her chest heaved up and down. “I’ve been here for you, taking care of you, never saying anything when you let those skanks come in here and destroy your stuff because you won’t commit—traveling and preparing meals at a moment’s notice because of your impulsiveness.
Whatever you have asked of me, I have done it.
You treat me like family until I say something you don’t like. Then I’m just the hired help.”
“Not true.” Her words cut like a knife.
“I’m not finished, Canaan.”
“Naw . . . naw . . . No disrespect, but I have to jump in before you say another word.” I turned my knees toward hers.
“You are not and have never been the hired help. You are my fam—the mother I never had. I don’t want you in my business, like I don’t want Mama G or Pops, and damn sure not my father.
Hell, Ms. Murielle, you know I’m stubborn and don’t like to listen.
I’m just treating you like the rest of my fam. ”
A grudging smile traced her lips. “Well, you’re still going to listen. Whether you take heed will be up to you.”
I settled back in the seat and reclined it. “I’m listening.”
She promptly pushed the button to have me sit up.
“It’s time to live again. It’s been a month of wallowing, and it ends tonight.
Yes, I went behind your back because I didn’t know what else to do.
” She tugged on my scraggly beard and uncombed hair.
“This isn’t you. The crash scared you as much as it scared all of us.
But you aren’t motivated because you don’t have Kensie. ”
“She told me she was done with me, and she’s not coming back to me.”
“Of course, she did. She caught you with your ex; she probably took it as a sign that you and she don’t belong together.”
“Isn’t it? Think about it. Kensie just happens to show up when Emme is here?”
Her forehead puckered. “You want to be with Emme?”
“Fuck no.” I grinned sheepishly. “Excuse my language.”
Ms. Murielle arched one brow.
“Seriously, she snuck up here, and I told her to move on. Then Kensie showed up, saw us outside my place, and wouldn’t give me a chance to explain. Nothing happened between me and Emme. I wouldn’t let her in here. And after Kensie left, I refused to talk to Emme and left her standing outside.”
“Then how is it a sign?” she exasperatedly asked.
“That we both have been hurt in the past and don’t trust each other. We wouldn’t work anyway. She hated me for so long.”
“Canaan, she isn’t your mother, who carelessly traded one life for another. Kensie wants to be there for you, and she isn’t going to abandon you if you let her back in.” Ms. Murielle grabbed my hand. “She isn’t your mother because she loves you for you. You are enough. Kensie is enough.”
Tears sprang into my eyes, and I dropped my head.
“Listen to your gut and ask yourself if Kensie is worth the risk of a second chance. All I know is that I had the greatest love for over thirty years, and if we hadn’t seen the people we really were through each other’s shortcomings, I wouldn’t have taken a risk.
And what a damn shame that would’ve been not to experience a love like that.
” She kissed my forehead before standing up.
“Regardless of whether you and she can move on, or whether you ever race again, it’s still time for you to get back out there. ”
Long after Ms. Murielle left the room, I stared at the picture of us.