Chapter Two
Starling
Everything about my plan just falls into place like a dream.
“The last time I spoke to Tony,” I continue, “he told me he had a work dinner, which means he’ll be away from his apartment. That gives me a chance to get in and surprise him when he gets back. Happy Christmas. It’s so freaking perfect.”
“Starling, you’re a scientist, not a stealth ninja. You can’t break into his apartment; you’ll get arrested—”
“Who said anything about breaking in?” I ask mischievously.
“I have no idea how we got onto this subject, but he once told me his family uses the code 'gli dei' for nearly everything. I asked him if that means I can get into his apartment if I use 'gli dei,' and he said yes, but after I press the letters, I’d have to hit the pound key for three seconds and then enter the numbers again, and I’ll be in.”
“I’m sure he trusted you not to break into his apartment.”
“I’m not going to steal anything… He’s going to give me ‘stuff’ willingly. It’s different, okay? I’m going to surprise him in my little temptress outfit, which I still need to buy, and he won’t be able to keep his hands off me. Trust me.”
If I want to know what it really feels like to have sex so wild that I won’t be able to walk straight for the next few days, Tony is my guy.
He’s gorgeous, smells nice, and at our first encounter at a mutual friend’s party, he caught me before I fell face-first to the floor. Textbook romance in the making. He’s my hero.
Then he looked at me with those sexy eyes and asked if I was okay, and my heart just went thud, thud, thud.
“You’ve had coffee with him countless times already, and you said he didn’t even try to kiss you, remember?”
“That’s because coffee is boring. It doesn’t lead to lip-locking or lower body entanglements. He doesn’t want the niceties. He wants to bang. I know guys like him.”
“Girl, you’re as clueless as I am about what guys like him want.”
“Trust me, I know a little.”
“You know what? Go get yours. You deserve it. I’m all in for you,” Raya says. “And if I didn’t know Tony was already a nice guy, I wouldn’t let you do this.”
“You love me.”
“You give me gray hair, and I’m only twenty-three,” Raya laughs. “So what happens now in your scheme to un-virgin yourself all over Tony’s goodies and before you get engaged?”
“That’s the spirit,” I say, doing a little dance. “Are you up for some shopping? I need to knock the boxer briefs right off Tony’s cute little tushie.”
This is it. I hang up with Raya after telling her I’ll pick her up in an hour and ensure she gets home in time for a late lunch with her aunt, who isn’t doing too well.
It takes me another five minutes to find my car keys, and then I’m on my way.
“Where are we going?” Raya asks as she slides her supermodel body into the passenger seat of my car and buckles up.
“To the Sex Saloon,” I say dramatically.
“Is that like a sex shop?” Raya asks.
“It is, and apparently, it’s the best. I scrolled through their online catalog after I hung up with you, and they have everything I need, and then some, all under one roof.”
“And away we go,” Raya says, waving her hands as she hollers. She really does cheer on my half-baked ideas with great enthusiasm, no matter how madcap they are.
“Also, I cleared my entire evening and night for sex duty, meaning the instant you call or text, I’m coming to get you.”
“You do love me; you really do,” I say, stretching out the words. “What more do I need in a friend?”
“That’s me, there with you through thick and thin.”
“Well, for my sake, let’s hope it’s not too thin.” I waggle my eyebrows. What is it with me and suddenly wagging my eyebrows? I need to stop.
The Sex Saloon is a ginormous warehouse with ceilings that stretch to the sky, filled with aisles upon aisles of sex toys and accessories. It’s so huge we need a tour guide, and Mindy turns out to be a lovely one.
“So, the theme is drop-dead sexy Ms. Santa?” Mindy asks, handing us each a bottle of water shaped like a penis before we embark on our journey into sextopia.
“Yes, with a side of bomb, because I want him to go poof at the sight of me… but not deflated poof, just… you know,” I explain, doing that eyebrow thing repeatedly, aware that I look as if I’m malfunctioning. Starling, stop.
“Trust me, I got you,” Mindy assures me, and I would follow this woman to the ends of the earth, dragging my virginity behind me.
But what am I actually doing? I can’t flirt to save my life. I have to watch how I walk because fresh air seems intent on tripping me up. I haven’t been kissed before. Not ever. I barely go to the gym, and my jiggly butt can attest to that.
My V card is so intact, it’s still in its original packaging, bubble wrap and all. Maybe because I’ve been considered a nerd all my life, and no one cared to date me.
I guess having a Bachelor of Science in Microbiology and always being known as a bug connoisseur throughout my life didn’t earn me any romantic points, but as a lab assistant now, I’m doing what I love.
I’m merely swapping my science club for the sex club for a little bit.
A detour, if you will as Mindy takes us deep into the underbelly of holiday sex mania. My eyes will never be the same again.