Chapter 17
Seventeen
That foggy Deathday afternoon, I walked to the Department of Magical Aptitude and Assessment to see if I could scrounge up a tester for my merry band of Outcasts.
The home of the testers was a complex consisting of several large buildings on its own plateau a bit off the Collegium, on the road to the Pallentine, which was an even more illustrious district for statesmen and nobles. I’d not yet dared to visit.
The testers’ compound struck me as a lot more humble and businesslike than the ostentatious display of wealth and importance of its neighbors.
The Collegium was one massive academy after another, each one in a wildly different architectural style from its founder’s homeland, all trying to outdo each other.
The place was all looming towers and beautiful palaces, and they even had one great big hollowed-out tree that was practically its own town.
Meanwhile, the testers got a bunch of grey concrete blocks with some windows and a warning sign that if you weren’t here on Nexus Council matters, you were trespassing.
There were a couple members of the Core City Watch manning a guard shack at the entrance.
I’d worn my best clothes, so they didn’t immediately chase me away as a beggar.
I had no appointment, but did have a piece of paper signed—grudgingly—by a nobleman which declared I represented a magical academy, so they let me through.
Considering how often I’d been snubbed in the Collegium, that victory made me feel smug.
The interior was as boring and utilitarian as the exterior. I didn’t know a lot about their organization, but that seemed fitting. Testers didn’t need flash to show off their clout. Their power came from giving accurate results, not lightning bolts.
A female gnome sat on a high chair behind a desk overlooking the reception area. The rosy-cheeked, tiny woman flashed me a brilliant smile. “Good day, sir! Welcome to the Department of Magical Aptitude and Assessment. How may I assist you today?”
“I was hoping to speak to Tester Pivorotto. Has he returned from the Plane of Fire yet?”
“He has, just recently, in fact, but he’s currently on another assignment.” She seemed saddened to disappoint me, but added, “Could another tester help you?”
I’d been hoping for Pivorotto because he’d struck me as a genuinely kind man, giving of his time, and most importantly, willing to take a bribe, but within reasonable limits of bribery.
A generous amount of Red had bought me some time on his busy schedule, but nothing would get him to lie about my results.
That seemed to me the perfect balance of what the Outcast Academy needed in a tester.
“Sure. I’ll see another tester.”
“Of course, sir! I shall see who is available.”
The gnome was so eager to help, I’d nearly forgotten not everyone from this organization was so nice. “It’s not Tester Ewing, is it?”
“No. She’s currently on assignment in the Water Realm.”
“Oh good.” I didn’t add that I hoped she drowned or got eaten by a Squalo while there. It was one thing to crush a young boy’s dreams of being a wizard, but she hadn’t needed to be such a malicious bitch about it. “Anyone else will be fine.”
“May I ask who you are and which academy you’re from?”
“I’m Ozwald Carnavon of Fogo, representing Gaul Haddar, master of the newly formed Academy of Outcasts.” I stated that with pride, because it was nice to feel like a bigshot for once.
“Oh…” The gnome’s smile died. Her manner changed so fast, I thought I’d unwittingly wronged her somehow.
“What?”
“You’re one of those people. Wait here…” She climbed off her chair. “And don’t be tempted to steal anything or deface the premises while I’m away. If you do, I’ll know it was you!”
I looked around the waiting room. “I’m the only one here.”
She pointed one stubby little finger at me menacingly as she left. “Exactly!”
Haddar didn’t like this city, and many of the high-ranking mages who ran it felt the same way about him.
I didn’t know what all the history was there, but his unplanned promotion had surely upset a lot of very important people.
Backbiting and rumormongering were popular hobbies among the Core’s upper crust, so these people knowing about us wasn’t too surprising.
I only felt bad because I’d temporarily gotten my hopes up for once.
Five minutes later, the gnome returned, and this time, she had a human with her. He was grey-haired, distinguished, and wearing the insignia of the testers on his robes. While the gnome climbed back up her chair, she said, “This is Mr. Carnavon of the aforementioned academy.”
His manner was coldly polite. “Hello. I am Tester Ritter.” He handed me a sheet of paper. “This is the price list for our services.”
I’d not even said why I was here, but took the paper and looked it over, only to realize they were trying to rip us off worse than Carcalla had. “I intend no offense toward your fine and respected organization, but these amounts quoted seem rather steep.”
“Are you questioning my accuracy?”
That had to be a major insult among testers, so I quickly said, “No, I’m sure they’re right, they’re just a bit more than I’d budgeted for.”
“I assure you these are the current rates. This humble amount should be but a pittance to a prestigious magical academy. We are the only organization accredited by the Nexus Council to provide an accurate assessment of an individual’s magical aptitude. Our services are in great demand.”
Of course they were. The only way to gain respect and access as a mage was by increasing your rank, and the only path through the lower ranks was by a tester’s say so. “Surely this can’t be what you charge a nobleman to test each of his subjects?”
“My organization has existing arrangements with every kingdom, principality, and academy in the realms. Yours is new, and therefore not among those.”
“So every time we want to see if one of our students has gained a rank, we have to pay you this?” I gestured at the outlandish sum.
“And there are no refunds if they are not advanced. Also note, there is an additional fee each time one of our testers has to travel to a different location.”
That had to be the hundreds of Obols for travel to or through a dangerous realm clause. They were acting like they’d have to cross lava flows to reach us. “We’re still in the city. It’s a leisurely hour’s carriage ride from here.”
“Correction. The Under Slump is not part of this fine city, sir.” The gnome sniffed after correcting me, like how dare you insinuate that trash is related to us? “It’s a tumor that has grown upon this city’s flank, and frankly, I’m surprised the Council hasn’t excised it entirely.”
“We can come up here. Surely, I could work out a lower rate than this if we were to make an appointment at your convenience and only bring one student at a time who we’re certain is ready to advance in rank. We’d hate to waste anyone’s time.”
Tester Ritter shook his head. “That’s not how things are done around here, Mr. Carnavon. We have a system. That system has rules. Without those rules, there would be pandemonium.”
“Bereft of tradition, we’d be no different than the lawless Slumps,” the gnome added.
I was asking them to test a handful of students, not to police marauding gangs of nightbolgs. “This seems more a racket than a system.”
They both gasped at that, like how rude, such tone.
Tester Ritter grew rather annoyed by my plain-speaking ways.
“It is unfortunate that your Master Haddar has loudly voiced a similar slanderous opinion in public about this department several times in the past. He has been rather vocal in his criticism of how the Nexus Council chooses to manage things.”
So that was the real issue. It was as if every day I got to learn about someone else Gaul Haddar once mortally offended in this city. It was just my luck that the only rank ten who’d adopt us was seen as a barbaric pariah. “Could we discuss—”
Ritter interrupted me. “Look at the time. I’m afraid I have another appointment I must attend to now, Mr. Carnavon. The watchmen will show you out. Good day.”
Once outside, I fumed for a bit, but standing around angry wasn’t going to accomplish anything.
My visit to the testers had proved fruitless, but since I’d come all this way, I decided to stop by a certain location within the Collegium.
A saying here in the Core that I liked was kill two birds with one stone.
That wasn’t something we said in Fogo, as we didn’t have flesh and blood birds there, since their feathers would promptly catch on fire should they land, but the saying made sense in principle.
Each academy had its own library, full of secret tomes they guarded zealously.
I’d been told that there was also a library in the Collegium maintained by the Council, which was open to representatives of all the academies for research purposes.
There were no spellbooks there, but rather, this was the place where the city collected all its official documents and records pertaining to magical affairs.
There was no way they’d have let the likes of me in there before, but I was now armed with a fancy letter bearing the stamp of Ambassador Dardick Argent declaring me the official interim representative of a real honest-to-goodness magical academy. It was worth a try.
After asking a passerby, I was told the Collegium’s Hall of Public Records was on the far side of the district, backed up against the mountain.
When I got there, I found that it was more built into the mountain than on it, as they’d carved a giant vault straight into the stone.
From how everything about it appeared squat and brutal, surely the place had been built by dwarves.
It was much busier than expected, with many people coming and going. By some miracle, my letter actually got me past the watchmen and inside. However, it appeared my luck would end there.
The stern old lady at the counter looked me over and could tell I was no scholar. “What do you want, boy?”
“I’m seeking any documentation you’ve got about a little island in the bay named Korthican’s Warning.”
“Korthican’s Warning, is it?” She laughed in my face. “Are you daft?”
“Not particularly.” The sullen testers I could understand, but I wasn’t sure what I’d done to give offense here already. I hadn’t even shown her my letter, so the government lady wasn’t among Gaul Haddar’s admiring legions. “What’s so funny about my request?”
“You think you’re the first dumb-ass adventurer to come here trying to do research, thinking he’s going to take a run at that place? So, to get in here, did you bribe some sucker from an academy to vouch for you? Or did you just forge the papers?”
I glanced around, but it was just a bunch of other little old ladies on one side of a counter, separated by thick glass and a small window from the patrons who’d been waiting in line to get help.
Once the requests were put in, the ladies would comb through their shelves until they found the right documents and bring them back. I must’ve gotten in the wrong line.
“Excuse me, ma’am?”
“Don’t look to any of them to save you, and don’t waste my time acting like your delicate feelings are hurt, kid.
I’ve worked here twice as long as you’ve been alive.
Everyone here can recognize an adventurer looking for an angle a mile away.
We’re supposed to throw patrons out once we figure out they’re illegitimate, but… we can be convinced to look away.”
“This isn’t fake.” I took out the letter and handed it through the window. “I’m from a real academy.”
“Sure you are.” She took one brief glance at the Argent’s seal, winked at me, then passed it back.
“Because public records are only to be used for proper research duties, you’re a right proper wizard doing right proper and respectable wizardly research on some notorious ruins, and not some ruffian adventurer looking for information on how to better plunder the city’s ancient bits.
We’ve never seen that before here, no sir! ”
Her manner of speaking reminded me of home. “Are you from Fogo?”
“Close. Born on Ohen, but I’ve lived in the Core for a real long time. You barge cadre, boy?”
“Yes, ma’am. Barge 519.”
“I knew it! You’ve been here just long enough to get a bit of sun, but I could still smell the smoke on you.”
I realized she was the only one of the old lady employees wearing a giant wooly sweater, even though all the Core’s vast government buildings had Red-fueled furnaces. “Does this place ever get any warmer or does it always feel like this?”
“Eh, you get used to it after a while. About ten years in, the perpetual shivering stops. Not that any of us hotlanders would ever traipse around this city half naked like those from other lesser realms do, all undignified like. Now, back to business. Don’t try to shovel anymore trogshit at me, boy.
I know a scam when I see it. The only folks who ask about old places like Korthican are on treasure hunts. ”
I laughed, as it was nice to finally have an honest exchange in this part of town. “I assure you I am a right proper wizard, from a real academy… However, I’m also looking to do some plundering on the side.”
“Keep your voice down there, stating the obvious. Most of these Collegium twerps will rat you out to the watch in an instant. The watch frowns on such behavior.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Now it was her turn to look around to see if anyone was listening in, but the other white-haired ladies were occupied with their papers. “Here’s how it’s gonna work. You want the good stuff, the real scoop, you gotta pay a little extra, know what I mean?”
“If I had a little extra, I wouldn’t be reduced to looting tombs.”
“I suppose that’s true… But knowledge is power, young adventurer.”
I still hated that title. “I was a trapper back home. We learn the hard way, it’s plan and prepare or die.”
“I had an uncle who was a trapper. May the saints see to it he rests in peace. Way to prey upon an old woman’s nostalgia, boy!
I suppose trappers are like adventurers.
The smart ones know to do their research before hanging their nuts over the lava to see if it’s still hot.
Alright, you caught me feeling generous today.
On account of me not wanting to see a neighboring countryman get killed stupidly, this time, I’ll aid you for free. The next favor will cost you.”
“That’s more than fair.” It would be nice to have a friend here, especially considering Carcalla had us on the hook to do this sort of thing again. “Provided I don’t die, who should I ask for next time?”
“I’m Wilma. Now let me get all the records on why you’d have to be a moron to set foot on that evil place!”