Chapter 12 Gilly
Gilly
Say Sorry and Mean It
The new job was going well, but by her third week, Gilly was completely distracted by her personal life.
After they’d made up over champagne, she’d hoped Ariel would be so busy painting and helping with the cottages, IVF would be on the back burner.
Instead, she was prodding daily, setting Gilly’s teeth on edge and dredging up a dark, horrible guilt.
First, she booked an appointment with a private fertility specialist, having a meltdown when Gilly explained they couldn’t afford it.
The following day, she’d waved a GP registration form under her nose, intent on getting a referral to the nearby hospital underway.
Qualifying for NHS treatment would be lengthy due to stringent criteria set out by local Healthcare Trust with a strong bias towards hetero couples.
When Gilly said she wasn’t ready to start the paperwork yet, the result was an instant explosion of temper which unaccountably rattled a print off the lounge wall, the corner of the now-broken frame leaving a gouge in the oak floor.
She knew how desperately Ariel wanted a baby.
Not being able to have a child together was an exquisite type of pain.
The difference between them was, she wasn’t willing to sacrifice everything, including their financial future, mental health and relationship, to have one.
Ariel was becoming obsessed, and Gilly was so concerned she’d suggested talking to a professional over dinner the previous evening.
‘You mean a therapist?’ Ariel crossed her arms.
‘Maybe.’
‘I don’t need that kind of help,’ Ariel sniffed. ‘I need you to stop being selfish. I don’t understand why you won’t just agree to get on with it. We’ve got credit cards.’ Shoving her plate away, she’d flounced into the spare bedroom, leaving Gilly gawping, stung and sleeping alone. Again.
The words circled her head all night. Stop being selfish.
Was she, or was Ariel, in her single-minded pursuit of parenthood?
Either way, she wasn’t sure how much longer they could go on, stuck in this exhausting impasse.
Hopefully, following her research at lunchtime, they might be able to move forward as a couple.
Perhaps not ideal, but worth considering.
Meet me in our cottage at 7pm, Xx.
Ariel had texted earlier, making Gilly’s heart skip with apprehension. Did she want to meet there to break up away from their flat, or to talk about how they were going to handle the rebuild together? One option led to heartbreak, the other to a tentative future.
Despite her uncertainty, Gilly was calm driving home from work through pretty wildflower-laden lanes and into Little Beaubrook.
The village was showing green shoots of progress since the association (apparently mostly Albie and Kirsten) had secured quotes and appointed builders.
Ariel had filled her in before their latest argument.
Several half-filled skips now stood in front of the small allotment, banging and tapping sounding from the upstairs windows of Albie’s cottage as replacing rotting floorboards got underway.
Parking outside their disintegrating property, the second building on the right from the manor’s gates, she grabbed her laptop bag and locked the car.
Shoving the creaking wooden gate open and tripping up the uneven, weed-choked path in the twilight, she all but tumbled over the threshold and straight into Ariel’s arms.
‘Wow, that was some greeting. Must’ve been a hard day at work,’ Ariel joked, steadying Gilly and acting like the row the night before had never happened.
‘Come on, thought we’d eat in here.’ Guiding her across the hallway and into the dim lounge, she pointed at the picnic spread out on the dusty wooden floorboards.
There were no electrics yet, but it wasn’t dark outside, so the jars of candles placed strategically around the room illuminated the space the team of builders had cleared the day before.
‘This looks romantic. Any reason?’ Gilly murmured, studying the bowls of Greek food on straw mats on the thick navy blanket, which was their best throw.
Trying not to wince, she ignored the peeling wallpaper, cold draft blowing down her neck (the front door rested against the frame rather than properly closing) and the dirt coating everything.
The important thing was Ariel trying. Now she just needed to find out why.
‘I thought it’d be nice to spend time here, check out the energy of the place before deciding what to do to it.’ Gesturing for Gilly to sit, she pressed a chilled glass of Pinot into her hand and knelt to dish out flatbreads, olives, Dolmades vine leaves, lamb skewers, hummus and tzatziki.
Once they were digging into full plates, Ariel blurted, ‘I have exciting news. I’ve been thinking about why you’re so opposed to another cycle—’
Gilly groaned. ‘This again? I don’t—’
‘Hear me out.’ She set her food aside. ‘From your perspective, it’s not just the money, you’re worried about the physical toll on me and scared of other disappointments. Right?’
‘Yes.’
‘So, what if our chances of having a child were much higher?’ Ariel leaned forward. ‘I’ve been looking into it and—’
‘I didn’t think you’d consider it.’ They must be talking about the same thing.
God, what a relief. They could put all the expense, devastation and grief behind them.
‘It could be incredible.’ Digging around in her laptop bag, Gilly pulled out the printed papers.
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with it. ’
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ Ariel set the wad of paper aside and squeezed Gilly’s hands.
‘Well, I know it’s not how you imagined, but you wouldn’t have to go through invasive treatments. Adopting a child would be so rewarding—’
‘Adoption?’ Ariel wrenched her hands away. ‘No!’
Gilly stared, bewildered. ‘I don’t understand. What are you talking about?’
‘Using an egg donor.’
‘What?’ More expense, more heartache and no guarantees.
‘We could find someone younger with better quality eggs to try and produce viable embryos—’
Gilly jumped up from the floor, furiously brushing herself down. ‘We don’t know for sure that would make any difference.’
Ariel rose too. ‘I can’t see any of other way. Your eggs wouldn’t be good enough quality given your age, and clearly mine aren’t much better. This is the perfect solution. Gah, why are you being so rigid and unfair?’
Gilly’s lips went numb, something inside icing over. ‘I’m unfair, I’m the one who’s selfish. But you never seem to consider what I want, or how I feel.’
‘Feelings? How about the fact an adopted child would have no genetic link to either of us, and I’d also miss out on the chance to experience pregnancy.’
‘We’d be on equal footing,’ Gilly spat, ‘and not everything is about genetics. Parenting is the love, care and support as you raise them, which we’d do together.’
Ariel gritted her teeth, starting to edge away. ’You aren’t making sense. You need to decide what the hell you want, because I’m not even considering adoption if we don’t try an egg donor first.’
Gilly blocked the doorway, sick of her partner running off whenever they fought, not noticing the walls were rippling strangely and a bigger draft was coming through the front door. Swallowing, she demanded, ‘Are you giving me an ultimatum?’
‘No. I’m telling y-you it’s a d-deal-breaker.’ Voice wobbling, moisture filled Ariel’s wide green eyes.
Gilly softened, anger defusing. ‘I love you, but we can’t work if you keep going off in sulks.’
Her mouth gaped. ‘It’s not sulking…’
‘What is it then? No more running, Ariel. Please trust me and be honest. We can’t go on like this.’
Ariel gulped, before confessing in a tremulous tone, ‘I need to be alone when we argue because it hurts so much, I can’t talk.
I need to shut myself away where no one can hurt me.
’ Tears plopped down her cheeks. ‘It takes ages to calm down, and afterwards, I feel horrible and ashamed. I don’t know what to say without re-starting the argument, so I try and pretend it didn’t happen. Easier that way.’
Gilly stepped around the picnic, wrapping her arm round Ariel’s shoulder. ‘Why have you never told me this?’
‘I didn’t think there was any point. It’s who I am.’
‘But people can change their behaviour, if they want to.’ Gilly paused. ‘Do you think it comes from having such a chaotic upbringing?’
‘Maybe,’ Ariel admitted, sniffing.
She’d grown up in a commune with an addict mother and absent father, mostly fending for herself and exposed to a series of overfamiliar men.
Spending most of her teens on the streets, she’d chalked art onto pavements for cash.
Perhaps the overwhelming desire for a child was a need to create the normalcy she’d never experienced.
‘Do you think it might also be about your ex, Topher?’ A short-lived, rocky relationship with a man with a short temper and big ego. ‘I know he used to shout a lot and cut you off, with no right to offer opinions or make decisions. That must’ve made you feel powerless?’
Ariel wiped her cheeks with her sleeve, understanding dawning in her gaze. ‘Yes. Exactly. I had to lock myself away because he’d get nasty. It was the only way I felt safe until he’d calmed down.’ She looked at Gilly. ‘I didn’t realise.’
‘We don’t always, when it’s about us. But I’m not him. I’d never treat you like that.’
Ariel bit her lip. ‘I know.’
‘Thank you. And your inability to apologise?’ she asked, recalling that morning’s noticeboard sign about saying sorry and meaning it. It was good advice, and she had an inkling who might’ve put it there.
‘What do you mean? I apologise.’
‘No, you don’t. You’ll refer to what’s happened, say you shouldn’t have done it, but you never say sorry.’
‘I suppose apologising means admitting I’m wrong,’ Ariel said slowly, ‘and giving someone ammunition to attack.’
‘But saying sorry only means you regret causing upset, and didn’t set out to hurt the person. We’re all human and get things wrong sometimes.’
‘You said I need therapy,’ Ariel gave a watery smile, ‘but I didn’t think you’d be providing it.’
‘I’m not a therapist,’ Gilly said tiredly. ‘We all have our own shit to deal with. But what do you think might help?’ Taking a deep breath, she broached, ‘The running off has got worse since starting IVF.’
‘The whole thing’s just so painful. I’m physically and emotionally raw, but the thought of giving up is even worse. Guess my fight or flight instinct kicks in…’
‘Maybe I need to ground you then.’ She wrapped both arms around Ariel in an echo of the way she had to hold pupils sometimes to help them de-escalate when their emotions were too overwhelming.
‘I can hold you, and even if we lose our tempers, it doesn’t mean you’re not safe.
If you’re struggling, you can go for a walk, but when you get home, we talk calmly before bedtime.
Also, we can’t keep sleeping apart because we lose intimacy. Deal?’
Ariel snuggled her damp face into Gilly’s neck, lips hot on her collarbone making her shiver.
‘Deal. Or at least, I can try.’ She pulled back, peering into Gilly’s eyes.
‘I love you.’ Taking a deep breath, she went on earnestly, ‘And I’m sorry.
For all the times I’ve lost it and said horrible things.
I’m sorry for locking myself away and not acknowledging your feelings, or when I’ve upset you.
’ Her face was beautiful, despite being ravaged by tears.
‘I’m sorry we can’t agree on the IVF. I’ll try to listen and do better. Because I love you too.’
Gilly exhaled, stroking Ariel’s cheek with her thumb. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry for not questioning before why you behave like this. I’m also sorry I can’t give you what you want. I don’t want to cause you pain. I just… can’t put your wishes above mine and cause us more pain. At least, not yet.’
‘I understand. And if you’re not definitely saying no, that makes it less scary.’
‘Why don’t we take a break,’ Gilly suggested, ‘and have a month without talking about IVF? Spend time together without an agenda, enjoying each other’s company. Learn to have fun again. Go on dates. Let go of stress.’
‘Pause for a while? Yes, okay, we can do that. Shall we start now?’
‘How?’ Gilly let Ariel tug her down onto the blanket, the tension in her body dissipating even though there was a clear air of expectation in Ariel’s words. The decision wasn’t made, only delayed.
‘I just want to hold you, and for us to be close. That okay?’
‘Sounds perfect.’ She sighed as they lay down and wrapped their arms around each other on the hard floor.
Ariel must still be feeling vulnerable not to be initiating sex to make up.
But they’d both said sorry and meant it, and their tenderness as they lay together in the candlelight stroking each other’s hair was reflective of the kindness they’d shown each other.
It was the most at peace Gilly had felt in a long time.
Above them, the wall gave a final ripple and settled into place, and the front door shimmied tighter into the frame, protecting them from the draught.