Chapter 31 Harley #2
Her eyebrows furrowed. ‘Maybe the guy you were back then, Harley, but not now. I read the tabloids, and you seem different than how you were portrayed. If you were sleeping with Kirsten and she got pregnant, what would you do? Instinctive response?’
‘I- erm…’ For a moment, he imagines Kirsten’s belly rounded with his baby, a loving smile on her sexily freckled face.
His throat tightens, and a fist of emotion clenches in his chest. The desire for a child was absent with his ex-wife and he never expected to enjoy spending time with a child the way he does with Rosie.
His marriage had comprised two people orbiting a distant sun, rather than each other.
What used to scare him now fills him with a tentative joy.
No, he can’t hope. It’s too much. Would break both of his hearts to have a new, unexpected dream and then lose it.
‘It doesn’t matter.’ Changing the subject, he stands up.
‘I’ll bring Laurie back to yours for dinner.
In the meantime, read a book, or do something relaxing.
’ Striding away, he yanks his phone out and calls a number he hasn’t used in months.
Listening to Vanessa’s experience hurts. She’s a woman who’s been left behind and made to feel shitty about herself. It sling-shots an arrow of remorse through him. He must try and make things right.
‘Hi. Thanks for answering. Please don’t hang up,’ he blurts at his ex-wife, ‘I need to say something.’ He thinks of all the times he wasn’t there for her, and the late nights he should’ve been agonising over his behaviour, but slept soundly.
‘I’m sorry. I’m genuinely regretful for the things I did.
For all the pain I put you through when we were married.
I was a complete shit.’ He prays she can hear the sincerity in his voice.
‘I have a new perspective since everything that’s happened. ’
He touches a hand to his chest, running his index finger along the long, ridged, vertical scar.
Recalling his collapse in the Oblix restaurant in The Shard, people peering down at him as he blacked out.
Regaining consciousness in hospital to be told his heart was failing and his other organs would follow soon.
The rush of tests, concerned medical staff and discussions about the organ register, weeks of dragging breathlessness while confined to a bed, followed by fear, pain, and confusion after waking up from the op.
Confused as to why he no longer felt like himself.
Which, as it turns out, has been a good thing.
Marnie is silent, but after a long pause, she volleys back, ‘You’re sorry?’
‘Yes.’ His thoughts turn to more recent months. The slow beat of recovery, becoming healthy again, finally reclaiming some of what he lost, in body and spirit.
‘What do you want?’ She sounds suspicious.
He can’t say he blames her. Peace of mind, he admits to himself, but it sounds selfish, so he says, ‘Nothing, other than to apologise and say that I hope you’re happy. I don’t expect you to forgive me after one conversation, but I wanted to make a start.’
‘Wow. This doesn’t sound like the Harley I once knew, and sadly, loved. Even if you didn’t think I did. What was it you called me during the divorce? A money-grabbing bitch?’
He blanches. ‘Sorry about that too. I wasn’t in a good place.’ Watching Rosie and Laurie chasing each other in circles on the lawn, he gulps as a wave of affection washes over him. ‘And I’m not the same man anymore.’
Her voice softens. ‘If I take what you’re saying at face value, it does sound that way.’
‘I can’t blame you for questioning my honesty. Look, before I let you go, for what it’s worth, I did care about you in my own screwed-up way. Even if it was buried under layers of ego and narcissism.’
There’s another silence, before she says in an undertone, ‘The fact you’re self-aware enough to use those labels tells me you have changed.
So, thank you. All through the divorce process, I needed to know if I’d ever meant anything to you.
It’s part of the reason I was so hurt and angry, demanding so much in the settlement.
Also, because of the cheating and lying.
’ Her gulp is audible down the line. ‘And imagine how it felt when your affair and her attempted suicide was splashed all over the papers. Everyone knew. It was so humiliating.’
‘I know, and I’m truly sorry.’ He shudders. ‘I never should’ve had an affair with someone so vulnerable. Shouldn’t have had any affairs, but you know what I mean. You deserved so much more. I hope you’ve found someone who treats you better?’
There’s an inflexion of happiness in Marnie’s voice as she ends their short, cathartic call, ‘Yes. I see her in the mirror every day. Good luck, Harley. Goodbye.’
‘Take care of yourself.’ Hanging up, he tucks his phone away and sets off towards the children in his care, his steps feeling a thousand times lighter than before.
The manor, ever observant, supplies the stained-glass doors leading from the ballroom into the garden with a blast of glitter to make them sparkle in the afternoon sunshine.
A moment later, one of the rose bushes in the walled garden changes colour from a light peach representing gratitude to a brilliant white signifying grace and new beginnings.