Chapter 9 #2
I pushed up from the couch, grabbed the bottle and my wine glass, and marched towards the kitchen, uninterested in hearing another lie.
He was on my heels. Always on my muthafucking heels when I was pissed.
As if I wouldn’t turn around and bash him in the face with the bottle.
I was a different bitch these days. Had hung up my crazy cape and traded it in for one doused in poise and quiet get back.
But I—I wanted to kill him. Wanted to make him feel a fraction of what I felt.
I had half a mind to confess. To tell him about all of the dick I sucked before coming home to kiss him real good.
I was tempted to tell him about the threesome I had.
Wanted to confess just to hurt him. But Duke—he couldn’t handle that.
He’d probably try to kill my ass. Pussy ass bitch.
“You think I’m—man come on!” He yelled. “Why would I? NeNe, I’m not?—
I jumped in his face. Leaped, really. I was so close to him that if I was taller, our noses would‘ve touched. “Lie, bitch ass nigga! Lie!”
He drew back. “Yo. I’m telling you right now if you?—”
“If I what? Duke, you ain’t gon do shit. Fuck you. Lying ass piece of shit. Cancel that party too because bitch! I’m tired!” I said through gritted teeth before mushing him in the face again.
He reached out and touched me on the shoulder.
I jerked away and spun around again. “I swear to God on my babies, your life, my life, and everybody else’s…
if you touch me again, I’m going to hit you in the face with this bottle.
Try me if you want to—you know muthafucking well I don’t play about my babies.
Bitch, I’ll do time behind this shit. On my soul. ”
I was hot. Hadn’t spoken to him like that in years.
But I meant every word. He believed me. I didn’t know if it was because I’d put it on my kids, or if it was because I didn’t yell.
I cared about my babies. Loved them with every part of me.
And I would never, in a million years, do drama in front of them.
I didn’t want to wake them. Didn’t want them to see me handling their father like that.
Didn’t want them to see him as the monster I saw him as.
Even in my darkest hour, I cared about what they thought about him.
About us. Because I knew, despite how upset I was with him, I wasn’t leaving. Not yet. I—I just… I needed a minute.
“Alright, Ne,” He protested with his hands up. “I told you I wouldn’t cheat on you again. I put that?—”
“Duke, just… shut the fuck up and get away from me. Like I said, cancel that party because I won’t be there.”
I walked away and as usual, he followed.
I was in shambles. Breaking with every step I took towards the kitchen.
My stride was shaky. Hands too, as I gripped the glass harder.
Close to shattering it. I was tired . Had never been so tired of a situation in my life.
I gave Duke everything. Loved him from a place of devotion and he did this to me again.
So, fucking what I cheated. Regardless of what I did, I still loved Duke from a place of devotion.
“Ne,” He called out. “Please… Just… Just look. Listen to me.”
I turned around expecting to yell in his face, except he was kneeling in front of me, with prayer hands. “I—I swear to God I’m… baby, I’m not on no dumb shit. I—Mahogany, I put that on my soul.”
I just stared at him, with a trembling bottom lip.
Was I supposed to believe him because he was on his knees?
Was I supposed to care about the tears in his eyes?
He was convincing. Duke’s always been convincing.
Every time he cheated, it was the same shit.
Waterworks and I love you’s. He swore to God he wouldn’t cheat on me again three women ago.
And look at me now, on bitch number six.
I—I couldn’t believe him. Couldn’t fall for it.
I—I felt it in my bones. The cheating. The lying.
And I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Was I to take his hand and wait for proof?
Did I supposed to follow my gut and just…
try to leave? Try to take that step? I didn’t know what to do.
Couldn’t move. Stood there paralyzed by both fear and heart break.
I tried my damnedest to keep my tears at bay, but without warning, they came rushing through my tear ducts.
I blamed the Caymus for my behavior. I was better than this.
These days, I was… I was whole. I was stronger.
Could handle more. I did a damn good job keeping my emotions intact.
The only time I really cried about us, openly, in front of someone else, was when I was at therapy.
My own, private sessions. And even then, I contained them.
Didn’t let the levy break. Held back. Didn’t want to do too much.
I was afraid that if I did cry, I mean really cry, I’d break for real.
I’d lose my mind. So, I kept it all inside.
Let it out little by little. However, tonight, I couldn’t stop them.
The tears. They fell like a waterfall. The levy cracked .
A lot. And I just… I cried. For real this time.
Duke pivoted a little on his knees and slowly raised his hands to grab me by the waist. I let him.
Couldn’t move, remember? Let him touch me.
I didn’t know how to proceed. It was like déjà vu.
We’d stood in this very spot, with him doing the same shit.
Two years ago, he got on his knees and apologized.
Told me he wouldn’t do it again. Told me he would spend every day of his life making things right between us.
Said when it came to women, I was at the top.
I was the only thing that mattered to him.
Me, and saving the family. So why was he ripping us a part again?
“Mah—”
“Stop,” I croaked through tears. “Just stop, bro.”
I pried his hands from around my waist and pulled away.
With a shaky hand, I popped the cork on the wine bottle and took it to the head.
Fuck it. I was polishing it off. I needed a couple edibles.
Needed something to numb the pain in my chest. What type of shit was this?
After finishing the bottle, I pushed it across the island, knocking it onto the floor, right where he stood, on his knees still.
While Duke jumped back, avoiding shattering glass, I stepped over him and it. Before I could get too far, he grabbed me again, holding onto me by the waist. I pushed him in the face and told him to let me go.
He wouldn’t.
Said he refused to.
“I’m—look! I—we—we put too much in for you to just skate on a nigga. Aight! I’m not letting you go, NeNe! We—we gotta fix this shit, man! What I gotta do to get you to believe me?”
“Ay, what’s goin on?”
At the sound of Gabriel’s voice, I looked over my shoulder and quickly snatched away from Duke. Shit, shit, shit!
“Nothin—go back to bed, G,” Duke said, standing. “And watch out for that glass, too.”
Gabriel looked back and forth between me and Duke with dipped brows, unmoving. “Ma… You good?” He asked, sizing me up, studying me.
I wiped my face with both hands and put on a forced smile. Nodding, I told him I was okay. “Yeah, baby. I just—I dropped my bottle of?—”
“Didn’t I just tell you to take yo ass to bed, Gabriel!?” Duke yelled.
I turned and looked at him with my head cocked to the side, ready to go to war behind my baby, just as much as he was ready to go to war behind me.
Again, Gabriel ignored him, keeping his focus on me. His sad, worrying brown eyes washed over me again and he asked for a second time, “Ma… Are you good?”
Gabriel was worried sick. Had to be. His dad was intimidating as hell, standing at over six feet, ripped with a booming voice that demanded respect.
He didn’t play when it came to the kids not listening, but Gabriel didn’t seem to care one bit about the consequences that could come out of disobeying his dad.
I stepped over a few pieces of glass and stood in front of him.
Cupping his face, I told him I was good and that he needed to go to bed because he had school in a couple of hours.
Before kissing him on the cheek, I told him I loved him.
Gabriel was old enough to see I wasn’t okay but because I told him to go to bed, he walked away, reluctantly, looking over his shoulder every so often.
I didn’t say another word to Duke. Instead, I gave Gabe a little time to get to his room before I headed in the same direction, while Duke somberly cleaned up the mess I made.
I wanted to leave. Didn’t want to spend another second in the house with Duke, but I was stuck.
Tomorrow was school and well… I couldn’t just leave.
When I made it to the room, I made sure to lock the bedroom door behind me, letting his ass know he could not sleep with me.
At five, my alarm sounded, pulling me out of my sleep. Turning over, I grabbed my phone and hit the stop button, staring at the date on the top of the screen. It was my birthday. Yay.