Chapter 7 #5
Every Sunday, for as long as I could, I strolled up in that church wearing dresses that were two sizes too big to hide the ‘blessing’ God gave me.
That was what she called it. My momma. When she found out, she fussed at me, called me sneaky, fast and just about everything but a child of God.
But she called the baby a blessing regardless of how it came about.
It was a blessing alright. A blessing we kept hidden from the church until I was six months and too big to hide it in a way that didn’t look obvious.
You think she hid the baby for me? Hell no.
She hid it for herself. Didn’t want the congregation to know she’d raised a ‘heathen’.
She didn’t say that, but she didn’t have to.
She was ashamed. And although my mother being ashamed of me, broke my heart, I was ashamed of myself too, so I went along with it.
When they found out I was pregnant, I got all kinds of looks, and heard more rumors about myself there, than at school.
The preacher seemed to center his sermons around sin and premarital sex and everything.
It was a very rough time for me. You think she let me sit out of church on the Sunday’s that followed?
Hell no. She made me go anyway, with the looks, whispers, and rumors.
The only piece of guidance she had for me then was ‘they talked about Jesus Christ’.
As if that was supposed to make me feel better.
So nah, me and religion didn’t get along. At all.
“So, what’s goin on NeNe? Talk to me. Tell me why my daughter canceled her birthday party. Tell me why my daughter thought leaving her husband was the right thing to do.”
I squinted. “Like I said, I didn’t leave my husband.”
“You did leave ‘em. You don’t spend the night out without him. Ain’t nobody know where you were at. You are a mother Mahogany Mills-Morris. You can’t be leavin, disappearing. Doing only God knows what. I pray to the Lord you weren’t out there desecrating your marriage.”
I stared at her with a flat expression. Nobody knew where I was at… my sisters knew! They didn’t tell her. Didn’t tell anybody. Out desecrating my marriage. Mmm.. not that time! I wanted to go off on her so bad but knocking on the door stopped me from doing it.
Knock, knock, knock.
As if he knew the topic of desecrating a marriage had been brought up, Duke opened the door and stuck his head in. I looked at him, with dipped brows, wishing he could save me. I wanted to run to him. He was my safe space when I was up against anything that made me uncomfortable when it wasn’t him.
Walking in, Duke immediately came over to me, leaned down and kiss me on the cheek. “My bad, I just wanted to let you know I was home,” He said, before kissing me on the other. “I already gave the kids they food. I’m about to hop in the shower really quick so we can go and get ours.”
I was grateful for the space we were in. Happy I’d decided to throw in the white flag this morning. Yes, I know… Chanté had just said what she said but still. If there was anything I needed right now it was support, and who better to get that from than my husband?
“Fast food?” said my momma, with a light laugh, butting in on shit that had nothing to do with her, once again. “You ain’t cooking NeNe?”
I locked eyes with her. Piercingly, so she could get the fucking picture. “No, I am not cooking tonight. I worked, had therapy… nah. It’s a fast-food night tonight for sure.”
Duke and I locked eyes and had a silent conversation. Today couldn’t have been a worst day for her to pop up. I was dead tired and not in the mood for any sly remarks. As drained as I was, she was going to end up having a conversation with herself.
Duke’s eyes softened before he looked away from me, to address her.
“Hey ma, you alright?” He asked, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek.
“Mmhmm. I’m alright son. I was just sitting here talking to her about leaving you.
She can’t be doin’ that. A wife’s place is the home, with her husband.
Now, I don’t know what’s going on around here, but I know ain’t no marriage perfect.
We all go through stuff. But at the end of the day, you a good man and—”
“My bad, ma. I had to stop you right there because I ain’t always been a good man, now,” he said with a nervous laugh.
“The past is the past and—
“Oh God,” I mumbled.
The past wasn’t just the past. I hated when muthafuckas reduced experiences to things we should just get over because it happened. Everything happens. Are we supposed to say fuck the good times too because they happened in the past? It just didn’t make any sense.
“Yeah I know ma. But look… we cool. She needed a break. We talked it through. Everything good though. Like you said, ain’t no marriage perfect, but we holding it down. Just a little hiccup—ain’t nothing we can’t get through.”
I didn’t need Duke to defend me, but… I needed Duke to defend me. It was crazy what the man was to me. I complained about him a lot but at the end of the day he was my rock. Duke was respectful but my momma was treading on territory she didn’t know a damn thing about.
Was it silly? Me wanting to cry? I was trying my best—as a mother, wife, and shit…
as a human. So, what the house was a little dirty.
So, what my kids played the game and scrolled on their devices?
And so muthafucking what I left? I regretted it, yeah.
Just because it was a little selfish toward the kids.
I didn’t consider their feelings. But when it came to ‘leaving Duke’ so the fuck what?
I thought he was cheating. Shit was bad. I needed to breathe.
I didn’t even bother defending myself because she wouldn’t get it. So, instead of wasting my breath arguing with her about why I left, I let her have it. Let her sit there and act like Duke was a good ass husband who’d done no wrong. I knew he’d chew her up as nicely as possible though.
“Mmmh,” She mumbled. “I hope she know that."
I squinted at her. “Hope I know what? That it’s nothing we can’t get through? Ma, please…”
“Ma please what? You sittin there with an attitude for what Mahogany? I’m just trying to understand what happened. If the roles were reversed and it was Aubry sitting where you at and you sittin where I’m at… how would it be then?”
I was pissed. Too pissed. I hated that my momma was bringing shit up out of me. I just wanted her to leave me alone. Talking about she was trying to understand. Understand what? For what? My life wasn’t for her to understand. It was for me to.
“The roles wouldn’t be reversed. This wouldn’t be happening. Because if my daughter told me she left because she needed a few days to clear her head, I would leave it alone. I wouldn’t try to—”
“You a bold face lie, Mahogany” she interrupted. “Mmhmm. You just ain’t got there yet. When you get to where I’m at with y’all, you’ll see. Ain’t nobody tryin to be up in your business Mahogany. I’m just trying to see what happened so quick. You were just good and—”
“I’m still good,” I lied before clenching down on my jaw. “Ma, I need to shower and eat. I only got a couple of hours left in my day and this is not how I want to spend them. I appreciate you coming over here to check on me. Thank you for cleaning up too. Work has been crazy.”
I wanted her the fuck out of my house.
“I’ve been waiting for you to get here for two hours and you think you about to throw me out after a five-minute conversation? Mm, mm. We gon’ talk for a little while. Ain’t done it in I don’t know how long.” She looked to Duke, smiled and said, “Give me a couple minutes with my baby.”
I gritted my teeth and gripped the arm rest to my office chair, wanting to curse her the fuck out.
Couldn’t for multiple reasons. One being, she kind of cooked with that line about switching roles.
I’d never be a meddling mother, and I wasn’t.
But if something was off with my baby I would have wanted to sit and talk with her too.
I’d done it before. Noticed something was wrong, asked if she wanted to talk, pushed a little bit.
But I respected boundaries too. So, although she might have been a little right, she was wrong.
However, because she was my mother and something was off about me, I decided I’d let her talk just because I sympathized.
When Duke left the office, she got to rambling.
Stopped asking questions, trying to meddle though.
Just talked, giving her unsolicited opinion about shit that had nothing to do with her.
Quoted those bible verses I knew she couldn’t wait to quote too.
Didn’t talk much about the ‘stress’ she thought I was under.
Just went on and on about how I spoiled my kids rotten and how cleanliness was next to Godliness.
She went on and on and on and on about Duke and I.
Said to give whatever we were going through to God, and he’d fix it.
As she always said. I spent the majority of my marriage giving it to God.
Hell, I still gave it to God. Giving it to God and relying on him to fix it was what got me where I was today.
What about the resentment that came with forgiving and then giving it to God?
When would He fix that? What about the urges to leave? Was that God’s way of fixing it?
Most of what she said went into one ear out of the other.
It was nothing I wasn’t used to hearing from Eve.
Instead of entertaining the bullshit, I nodded and let her talk, figuring the quieter I was, the faster she’d get the fuck out of my house.
I was right too because she left not even fifteen minutes later.
As soon as she left, I headed upstairs. The only thing I wanted was my husband.
It might’ve been crazy to say, all things considered but again, he was my rock.
And what I needed most after sitting through a one-sided conversation with my mother, was a hug.
I was happy Duke came home when he did. I doubted I would have felt the same way about it if Eve didn’t trigger me, but regardless.
. I needed him. Duke had always been a safe space for me when it came to her.
Despite what we went through, despite where we were…
if Eve was on my ass about something, I could run to him, get a hug, and feel ten times better.
It started when I was pregnant with Aubry.
He defended me to the end of the earth. Against everybody.
When the hood and people at school whispered about me, spreading lies, Duke was on everybody’s ass.
He got into a lot of fights because of me.
It didn’t stop there neither. He went up against his momma, my momma, and the church whenever we saw them in passing too.
Any time somebody made a slick remark, he was on their ass.
I didn’t have to say much. I mean, shit, I didn’t say much back then as is.
Getting pregnant did something to me. Took my voice away.
But where I couldn’t speak up at, Duke always did.
When I made it to the bedroom, I went straight for the bathroom and slid the shower door open, scaring the hell out of him.
“Mannnn,” he stressed. “You almost gave me a damn—”
Cutting him off, I stepped into the shower, fully clothed and wrapped my arms around him.
Was he caught off guard? Yep. Did that stop him from embracing me, soapy and all?
Nope. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and kissed me on the forehead.
Regardless of what Chanté said, Duke felt like home and that feeling was what I needed most at the moment.