Chapter 1
MAHOGANY
“Miss. Did you hear me?”
I was stuck.
Speechless. Not just speechless. I literally couldn’t move. My hand stayed tightly gripping the door while I just… stared at her. The little girl who looked like my little girl, who looked like her daddy. Unmoving. Unblinking. In disbelief.
“Hey,” said Sienna, walking up on the porch. “What’s goin—”
“You need to leave,” I interrupted, talking to Justin. “You need to leave right now.”
Justin frowned. “What—
“I need you to leave before I call the police,” I threatened, as my body quivered and my heart raced.
This…
Nah. This couldn’t be true. He couldn’t have another baby.
She—she couldn’t be his. With her big doe eyes, button nose and little pouty lips.
Justin had to have the wrong Duke. Duke was a common name.
Had he addressed him as Ducati? Mmm, then I’d think yeah, he had my Duke.
But no. Justin had the wrong family. Duke didn’t have another baby.
He didn’t. He didn’t have a baby on me. Nope. He did not have a baby on me.
“Did you hear what—”
“Yes, I heard you. Did you hear what the fuck I just said?” I interrupted, with wide eyes, looking at him like a crazy woman.
Justin didn’t say anything—he just looked at me with this perplexed expression on his face, confused. Not as confused as me. Not with as many questions as I had. Impossible.
He took Diary’s hand, looked down at her, looked back up at me, and shook his head. “Tell—”
“Have a blessed day, sir,” I interrupted again, before he could say too much in front of Sienna who had a puzzled look on her face, too.
Without another word, Justin turned and headed down the stairs. Sienna pivoted to make her way through the doorway. I… I just… I turned around, wringing my shaking hands, with labored breathing.
“What’s—"
“Give me a minute. I just ran down… down them stairs, girl,” I lied, as I hurried away from her to go to the guest bathroom to get myself together.
I closed and locked the door behind me. The space was small—the only thing in this bathroom, a toilet, and sink.
But it felt a lot smaller. Felt like the walls were closing in on me.
Felt like the ceiling and the floor were too.
I couldn’t breathe. I gripped the neckline of my shirt and tugged on it, looking for air that seemed to just…
ignore me. I gasped. Paced. Hummed. Did everything I could not to cry.
The tears building up in my body made my chest hurt.
My throat ached. Head hurt and eyes stung.
I needed to cry. But…I didn’t. I couldn’t. Sienna was here.
Instead, I stood at the sink and dug my nails in the inside of my left arm.
Why? I didn’t know. It was something I picked up a long time ago.
When I was sad—too sad, and needed to hide it, I just…
I dug into my skin. Today, I wanted to punch myself in the chest. Wanted to get rid of the pain there.
Tried to swallow it, but it was like all that did was make the lump bigger.
Harder to push down, making it harder for me to breathe.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“You alright? What are you in there doing?”
The doorknob rattled.
I snatched my eyes away from the mirror to make sure I’d locked it.
I did.
Forgot I did.
“I’ll be out in a minute. I told you… told you I was… tired,” I struggled to say.
Tossing my head back, I let out a deep sigh and silently asked God to help me.
I didn’t ask for much. The only time I actually went to Him was when there were issues in my marriage or one of the kids were sick.
Today I needed strength to get through. Not only the day—but in general.
I needed to breathe. I needed air. I needed to forget Justin and Diary happened.
I… Today, on my baby’s eighteenth birthday, I needed more strength than ever before.
“You making a lot of noise and—”
“I’m coming, bitch. Damn, I said give me a minute.”
She was quiet for a little while before asking again, “Who was that?”
Turning the faucet on, I ran cold water over my hands to ground me. “Who was who?” I asked, pretending not to know she was talking about Justin and Diary.
“On the porch. That man and the little girl. She reminded me so much of—”
“They had the wrong house. He was looking for his baby momma. Thought I was her friend, hiding her girl. Ghetto shit,” I lied.
“Say swear! I know you lyin!” She said, stunned.
“Nope. He was on some other shit, talking about let him in to see. I was about to call the police for real.”
Lying was easy.
I’d only been lying my entire relationship.
What would I do when the truth came out…
what truth? There was no truth. I was… tripping.
Diary wasn’t Duke’s. He didn’t know a Justin.
For damn sure didn’t know a Diary. I had to…
I had to push it down. I had to forget about it.
But how would I? How could I? I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t be able to. Duke had a baby? He had a baby on me?
Seriously? When? I thought he stopped cheating.
I thought—oh yeah… the little girl wasn’t that young.
She could walk. She had to be about three years old.
She wasn’t new. She was from his past. That meant—oh God. He had another family. Duke…
No, he didn’t.
Diary didn’t exist.
Justin didn’t exist.
I took a deep breath and nodded. Yeah. I was… that didn’t happen.
Turning the water off, I ran my wet hands over my chest. Would have doused my face with the water if it weren’t for the makeup I put on earlier.
I looked up. Asked God for strength once again.
Just enough to get through the party. Just enough to forget about Justin and Diary.
If not forever, for today at least. I… My baby turned eighteen.
We were having a party. I thought today would be the day I didn’t have to pretend. I was wrong. Sadly, horribly wrong.
After I got my breathing under control, I stepped out of the bathroom. Sienna was resting against the wall across from it, with her arms crossed over her chest. Sizing me up and down, she asked if I was okay again.
“Yeah, I’m good. You ready?” I quickly asked.
I had to stay busy.
Staying busy would stop me from thinking so much and—
“NeNe,” Sienna softly said. “You’re crying.”
“What?” I asked with a frown, drawing back. “No, I’m not. I yawned and—”
“We’re not leaving until you tell me the truth. I swear to God we ain’t,” she interrupted again, shaking her head. “Something just happened. You think I’m stupid enough to believe what you just said? Fuck out of here. That little girl looked too much like Sparkle for me.”
“What?” I frowned and quickly swiped at the tears running down my face. Against my will. My body just… it did what it wanted to do. “Bitch, shut the fuck up. That little girl did not look like Sparkle. We have to go. I have to pick the cake up and—”
“And it’s going to have to wait because like I said, we not leaving until you tell me why you’re crying.
I’m not going through what I went through on your birthday, again, Ne.
Too much shit been happening. I don’t have your iPad anymore.
I’ll be damned if I look up and you missing again. Look at you. Can’t even stand still.”
I was pacing again. Pacing with my head tossed back a little, trying to contain the tears and my breathing.
Trying to… trying to find a mask. Trying to hide.
Trying to pretend I was okay. I needed one.
I needed one bad. Needed that more than I needed to breathe.
SiSi could see me. She could see my scars.
She could see the pain. And I wasn’t okay with that.
I wanted to go back to the NeNe I was before I answered the door. I needed to completely erase what happened. How could I do that? Forget all together? Just… like it didn’t happen. I needed God to help me. Needed him to take the last twenty minutes of my life away and—
“Okay, come here. Sit down,” said Sienna, grabbing my arm.
I snatched away. “Mm. Mm,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “I have to—we have to go. The party is—”
“Hours away. You need to relax.” She grabbed me again. This time interlocking her arm with mine. She led me out of the hallway to the kitchen where she practically sat me on the barstool.
I heard her go into the cabinet. Heard the glasses clink as she pulled one down.
Heard the cabinet shut, and her walk over to the refrigerator where I could see her in my peripheral.
Heard when she pressed the glass against the water dispenser, too.
She was talking. Rambling about how I needed to tell her what was going on.
Said she was so tired of me and my secrets.
Said she wasn’t letting me walk away with this one with an ‘okay’.
She needed answers. Was afraid that one day she’d get a call about me.
One that would destroy her. She was worried about me.
Thought I was suicidal. Thought that whatever happened a minute ago would send me over a cliff.
She had a good idea, but she didn’t want to say. Said she had to be wrong.
I just sat there in somewhat of a daze, barely listening. I mean, I heard her but my mind? My mind was on ‘Diary, Duke’s daughter’. It kept replaying in my mind. The way he said it. The way she looked up at me with the eyes of my daughter, who had the eyes of her father. Who… was her father too.
No, he wasn’t.
I laughed.