Chapter 2 #3
“Mm mm. Thank God. She been running me raggedy all day. Since about six thirty this morning. The child don’t know what sleep is,” she said with a soft giggle, that weariness heavy in her tone.
I felt like shit.
But I didn’t address the time I had spent away. Ms. Rochelle knew the truth now. I didn’t have to keep coming with excuses and I wouldn’t. I was trying; that was the only thing that mattered.
“Probably a bad time to wake her up then, huh?” I asked, stroking my beard.
Ms. Rochelle shrugged. “You taking her right? Might as well wake her to get this over with.”
Today we were telling Diary who I really was.
Her father. It was time. Neither of us knew how that would go over, but it was well overdue.
I would be needed in a lot of areas in her life, and I couldn’t be there as ‘Mr. Duke’.
I wanted to get her in daycare, take her to appointments and shit like that.
A friend of the family couldn’t do what her father could.
I left work early for this little meeting.
I was needed on site, but I felt like I was needed here more so I told my boss one of my kids were sick and I needed to leave work early.
I hated to burn bread but how else was I supposed to get this to work?
Lately, I’d even been thinking about lessening my work hours without telling Mahogany.
I had ma to help but I didn’t want to pawn Diary off on her anytime I needed help.
We walked to the back of the house where Diary’s room sat.
“This her bedroom?” Ma asked. “Uh uhn, Ducati you gon’ have to do something about this.”
“I know,” I mumbled, standing in the doorway.
“She look just like Sparkle. Couldn’t deny this child if you tried,” ma said, with a sweet smile on her face. “Another grandbaby. Ain’t that some shit.”
I didn’t say anything; I sat on the bed and ran my hand over the top of Diary’s head, brushing up against an old scar from the car accident. She squirmed, made noises and held on to her baby doll tighter. I rubbed her head again and softly said, “Diary.”
She hummed and her long eyelashes fluttered open. “Hm?”
“Hey baby girl.”
“Hi Mr. Duke.”
Mr. Duke. I wondered if that would change after today’s conversation.
“You wanna get up and come in the living room with me?”
“Yes,” she said, sitting up. Her eyes immediately went to my momma. Cowering away, she leaned over against me with dipped brows.
I glanced at my ma, and then back down at Diary. “Diary, this is Ms. Adena. My momma.”
“Hi,” she whispered.
“Hi sweetheart,” my ma said, with her hand extended.
Diary looked at it for a couple of seconds before she looked to me for approval.
I nodded and she placed her hand in my ma’s.
She trusted me. That shit warmed my heart.
Made me feel like her father and not just a friend of the family.
My mama looked at me, smiled a little and shook her head.
Not one of those condescending head shakes neither.
One that told me that despite the circumstances, her heart was warm.
We went into the living room and Diary jumped on Ms. Rochelle’s lap who groaned.
She was over it. I wanted to ask her how she was doing.
Really wanted to know. But Ms. Rochelle wasn’t fooling with me the way she was before.
I could tell she was mad at me. So, I left it alone. Still, I was worried about her.
“Did you meet, Ms. Adena, baby?” Ms. Rochelle asked Diary. Diary nodded. “Alright now. You be a good girl for Ms. Adena too. You treat her the same way you treat nan’ okay?”
“Okay,” said Diary, laying her head on Ms. Rochelle’s chest, steady looking up at my ma with uncertainty.
“Now, Diary… I want to tell you something. Today is a very special day, okay?”
“Mmhmm.”
Ms. Rochelle looked to me with furrowed brows and rubbed her lips together. “Remember I told you Mr. Duke was a good friend?”
“Yes.”
“Well, baby, he’s more than just a friend. Mr. Duke is your daddy, too.”
“Daddy?”
“Mmmhmm. Da-Da,” said Ms. Rochelle.
“Justin?” Diary said, with dipped brows.
That stung a little but shit, he was all she knew.
“No. Remember mommy told you—”
“I want my mommy,” Diary sadly said.
Ms. Rochelle told her the truth. She said it didn’t go well.
Diary’s little mind couldn’t comprehend mommy never coming back.
She said she was gentle with her and told her mommy was hurt really bad and couldn’t get better so she wouldn’t be coming home.
Diary cried for a while. Long and hard. But still asked for her every day.
I could just imagine… how that felt. Having your grandbaby ask for her mother—your daughter—every day. Ms. Rochelle was having a hard time.
Ms. Rochelle took a deep breath and started to say something, but I intervened because I could see the pain in Ms. Rochelle’s eyes.
“You watched Blippi today?” I asked Diary.
She looked over at me. “No.”
“You want to?”
She shrugged her right shoulder. “I don’t know.”
“We can go to McDonalds first if you want to. Grab you some nuggets, chill and watch Blippi.”
She smiled. “Okay.”
Just like that, her mind was switched off Erika.
I swallowed and ran my hand down over my waves.
Who I was to her wasn’t important. Not right now it wasn’t.
She could call me Mr. Duke for the rest of her life if she wanted to.
What I wanted to be for her was more important than anything else.
And what I wanted to be was a safe space. Like a father should be.
“What you gon’ do, Ducati?” Asked ma as I looked across the room at Diary, eating her nuggets, watching Blippi.
After we left Ms. Rochelle’s, we went to McDonalds and then to moms, where Diary and I would be spending the most time together.
“What am I going to do about what?” I knew very well what she was talking about.
She wanted to know what I would do about Diary and the situation I was in.
Shit I didn’t know. I didn’t have a plan.
At this point I was just winging it, handling shit a day at a time.
I was relieved a little bit. The situation wasn’t as heavy as it was before I included ma.
I didn’t want to sit up and try to figure anything else out at this point.
I was keeping Mahogany at bay. She was straight.
We were straight. I didn’t see a reason to add stress where stress wasn’t needed just because I wanted to look ahead at an endgame I knew nothing of.
“About everything. That lady old as hell, the house small… she can’t live like that forever.
Hell… Ms. Rochelle on her last leg and you can’t keep this up.
You think you gon’ be able to hide this from the family forever?
I had to lie to Deante earlier to make this happen.
I ain’t about to keep doin’ that Duke. Ain’t about to be carrying your secret around forever neither. ”
I was tired of the same ol’ conversation, but it was the elephant in the room that needed to be addressed. Regardless though, I wished she would hit me off with something else instead of constantly trying to get me to tell my wife.
“What that mean? You gon’ tell on me?”
That was the only thing I heard. The only thing of significance.
“Nah I’m not going to tell on yo’ overgrown ass.
I ain’t gone be lying for you though. That’s fa damn sure.
Figure it out, Ducati. Figure it out fast because.
” She paused and shook her head. “I told you… shit like this don’t stay hidden forever.
You don’t want to be found out—you want to be a man and confess. ”
I swallowed and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Confess and then what, ma? Lose her? Lose my family?”
“Let her find out on her own and lose them in a worse way. You choose. What you prefer? To jump ahead of it or to let the shit unravel and smack you in the face?”
I let her words marinate a little. Stood there against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over my chest, thinking.
The real nigga way to go would be to just tell Mahogany.
But my racing heart and the fear that crept up the nape of my neck every time I thought about it wouldn’t let me.
I was a coward. When it came to this shit…
I was a cur like a muthafucka. But moms was right.
I did need to tell her. Having her find out on her own would be ten times worse.
“Gotta bite the bullet huh?” I asked, staring over at Diary again, with a deep sigh.
“Mmmhmm, before the bullet bites you.”