Chapter 5 #2
“Mahogany. You gon’ let me explain?”
“Who. Is. Diary?” She asked through gritted teeth.
I swallowed. “NeNe—“
“Bitch ass nigga can’t even keep it real,” she interrupted with an angry laugh, her chest heaving. “Please get off of me.”
“You gon hit me again?”
“You don’t get off me right now I’m going to kill you.”
The venom in Mahogany’s tone was heavy. Did I think she would actually kill me? I didn’t know. Had never hurt her as badly as I hurt her with this one. I didn’t know what to expect from her. A nigga was scared. As hell. Wasn’t afraid to admit it either.
Regardless, I let up. I loosened my grip and slowly climbed down off her.
Standing, I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, the taste of blood immediately filling my mouth.
I shook my head, watching as she sat on side of the bed.
Her elbows were pressed into her knees, and her head was down.
I tilted mine a little to get a look at her face.
Wanted to see if she was crying. Would pain me to see her dropping tears.
Honestly pained me to see her the way she was.
There were no tears though.
Thankfully.
Just… that blank expression again. Eyes low, staring at the floor.
It was quiet. Eerie. The sudden change in the room was a little unsettling.
I ran my tongue over my bottom lip again.
More blood. Walking away, I went into the bathroom to check my face.
There were scratches on my neck, my bottom lip was busted, and by the way my eye continued to throb, I knew that tomorrow it’d be black.
How in the fuck were we going to explain this to the kids?
I stood there a moment. Staring at my reflection, disgusted.
Clenching down on my jaw, my nostrils flared and I hated the nigga staring back at me.
She asked me twice who Diary was and not once had I been able to answer.
If Mahogany was asking me anything, it was because she already knew the answer to the question and that went for everything.
When I was cheating, she’d ask stuff and I’d know she already knew.
She knew who Diary was. So why in the fuck couldn’t I just—
Mahogany walked into the bathroom and stood next to me, looking up at me.
Emptily. Her eyes were red and glossed over with tears I didn’t want her to shed.
Tears that were barely hanging on. If she blinked, they would fall.
But she didn’t. She just stared at me. And the tears?
They just continued to build. Likely clouding her vision.
With furrowed brows, I swallowed.
Rubbed my lips together.
Swallowed again.
Ran my hand over the back of my neck.
I was scared. Scared of what opening my mouth and telling her who Diary was would do. Scared of admitting it out loud to her. It was hard for me… telling the truth. Telling a truth of this magnitude. It was fucking hard.
But I had to do it.
She asked me to be honest.
She deserved honesty. Deserved to handle the honesty however she felt fit. I didn’t have a say so in any of it.
Scratching my cheek, I said, “Uh…”
Swallowed again.
I wasn’t a bitch. Had never bitched up about shit in my life but tonight? With my wife staring up at me with dead eyes filled with tears, after she’d just beat my ass? Man… a nigga was shook to the core.
“Diary is um…” her expression didn’t change. She just stood there. Hand on the counter. Watching me. Waiting.
“She’s my daughter and—“
“Get out,” Mahogany whispered, finally blinking, letting those tears pool over.
“Mahogany. Can I uh… can I explain? She—“
“I said get out once. I won’t say it again,” she interrupted.
We stood there, staring at each other once again.
I wanted to explain. Wanted to tell her that I just found out about Diary.
Wanted to tell her that I was going to tell her.
Wanted her to know that I hadn’t cheated.
She needed to know that Diary was almost three.
She needed to know about her mother. Needed to know that she was dead and that was the only reason I knew about Diary.
I needed Mahogany to know she couldn’t leave me.
I needed her to know that… that without her I’d rather be dead.
I’d be better off that way. Wouldn’t be me.
So much of who I was, was because of Mahogany.
What—what in the fuck would I do without her?
How would I live? Where would I live? Who would I become?
We stared at each other for a good five minutes before she walked away, into the bathroom. Leaning over into the shower, she turned it on.
“Don’t say shit to my kids on your way out,” she said. That was her way of telling me to leave again.
I wanted to fix shit. Wasn’t ready to just walk away
So.
I didn’t.
I dropped down to my knees and grabbed her. Touched her waist and she swatted at me. Looked down at me with eyes of a mad woman.
“I—I didn’t know. I—Mahogany. I just… I just found out about her. She’s… she’s almost three and—“
The tears rolling down Mahogany’s beautiful face halted me.
Stopped me mid-sentence. I said I didn’t want to hurt her and I had.
I said I didn’t want to make her cry… but I had.
She was drained. I was destroyed. I—I didn’t want to leave.
Didn’t want to walk away but the longer I spoke…
the more I tried to plead my case, the bigger the hole felt.
The one I was digging. The one with her standing at the top and me at the bottom.
One so big I wouldn’t be able to climb out.
A hole so deep, the surface would feel miles away.
I had to stop.
I never listened. When she told me to leave something alone.
When she said she was just having a day.
When she told me to stop. When she said she needed time.
I didn’t stop. I pushed. I kept trying to fix it.
But tonight… with her standing before me, after learning about Diary, with tears running down her face…
I listened. Finally, I stopped. I heard her.
I didn’t have the right to plead. Didn’t have the right to beg.
Instead of trying to force anything else, I laid my head on her chest and said, “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t move; she let me lay there a minute before walking away.
Thirty minutes later, I was at my ma’s house.
When I pulled up and seen my sister's car, I thought about turning around and booking a hotel room. But I said fuck it. I didn’t give a fuck about shit but getting to the bottom of things.
I didn’t call. Didn’t text. None of that shit.
I wanted her to look me in the eyes and tell me she told my wife about Diary.
Didn’t want to listen to lies over the phone.
Couldn’t call her if I wanted to anyway.
The whole ride to the crib, my mind was gone.
I spent the entire ride thinking about Mahogany and what this meant for my marriage.
It was over. I dropped a couple of tears too.
I was man enough to admit that this shit was tearing me to shreds.
I shifted my car in park and leaned my head back against the headrest with a deep breath. Turning my head a little, I looked up at the house. Maybe I should have rethought the decision to bring it to her since Amber was here. Tae probably was posted up in that bitch too.
I dragged my hand down over my face and grumbled, “Fuck it.”
It didn’t matter at this point. The cat was out of the bag.
There was no point in trying to hide the shit anymore.
Mahogany knew. Shit was going to start crumbling now.
I had to brace myself for the fallout behind it.
The whispers. The rumors. The judgment. It was coming at me at full speed and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
So why hide it? Why try to keep shit under-wraps?
They were going to find out regardless. Shit, the one person I never wanted to find out knew and her opinion and love meant more to me than anybody else’s.
I got out of the car, walked up to the house and knocked a couple of times. After waiting for longer than I wanted to, I fished my keys from my pocket and let myself in. As soon as I opened the door, I was face to face with ma.
She turned the corners of her mouth up at me and shook her head. “What the hell you doin here? Something happened huh?”
Instead of immediately answering her, I turned to lock the door.
I ignored ma and turned my attention to Amber sitting on the couch. Something happened. She was dressed in pajamas, looking down at her phone, knee bouncing, sniffling every couple of seconds.
“What up doe, Amb,” I spoke, tilting my head a little to get a good look at her face.
She looked up at me and as expected, her eye was black. I gritted my teeth. “Why the fuck ain’t nobody call me?” I yelled.
Amber sucked her teeth. “I called Deante. You all the way in the—“
“I don’t give a fuck!” I barked. “Where that nigga at?”
Amber’s baby daddy had a hard time keeping his hands to himself.
You see the shit Ne just did to me? I didn’t put hands on her.
Would never put hands on her. Unless it was to restrain her.
All of that other extra shit? Didn’t have it in me.
Hated niggas who put their hands on women.
It was bitch shit. And Amber’s baby daddy was notorious for it.
Tae and I would pull up on him every time, whoop his ass, and then a couple of days later, Amber would be right back with him.
It was a recurring cycle, but I didn’t give a fuck.
If there was ever a time he hit her and I knew about it, I was on his ass.
D wanted to kill him.
I felt the same way. But that nigga… he really wanted to kill him.
Had to stop him a couple of times. He was on the verge of doing time behind sis a couple of times, but I was smart enough to know that it wasn’t worth it.
Killing that nigga would do nothing but destroy Amber and the kids.
I wasn’t in a position to risk my life over it.
I would be sitting in a jail cell over murder, while she’s mourning the nigga I saved her from. Shit wouldn’t make sense.
“It’s over. Tae already heading back and—“
“Mannnn,” I stressed, pacing with my hands to my head. “Too much shit goin’ on bro.”
“What you doin here, Ducati?” Asked my momma. “With scratches all over your neck.”
I looked over my shoulder at her with a snarl and brushed my hand over my neck. “You just had to open yo mouth?”
She drew back, offended. “Nigga, who the fuck you think you talkin to?”
“You!” I barked. Pacing, I roughly ran my hands over the top of my head.
“Aw hell naw. This nigga don lost his got damn mind,” she mumbled, before walking over to me. Standing in front of me, she pointed her finger in my face. “I don’t give a damn about what you got going on but I didn’t open up my mouth and tell that fuckin’ girl a damn thang!”
I sucked my teeth. “Yeah okay.”
“Tell Mahogany what?” Amber asked.
“Mind yo’ business Amb. You got enough shit to worry about and—“
“Don’t do that,” she interrupted, her tone of voice sad and low. “Do not do that.”
I loved my little sister. We weren’t the closest, but we were close enough.
She was a smart girl that made a lot of dumb ass decisions when it came to men.
Andre to be more specific. They’d been together for about ten years and had five kids.
Every one of them muthafuckas were made around a time where D and I had to check the nigga Dre about putting hands on her.
Crazy right? I just wanted my sister to do better, bro.
They were staying in the hood, off E. Warren, in a two-bedroom house, that didn’t have nowhere near enough room for the seven of them.
Dre was a broke ass nigga who sold drugs and could barely keep a roof over their heads.
Amber was the breadwinner, working down at Sinai as a nurse assistant.
Sis could do better. She could do a lot better.
“My bad. Ay, ma. I need to talk to you.”
“No, what you need to do is apologize. I really do not know who the fuck you think you is coming to my house on bullshit, accusing me of doing shit I didn’t do!”
I swallowed and gritted my teeth. “My bad. I—I apologize.”
Amber sized me up. “What’s going on with you?” She asked.
I shook my head and looked back and forth between her and moms. The house was quiet, with the exception of The Outer Limits playing on the TV at a low level.
Both of their eyes were on me. I wondered if moms would open her mouth and speak up before I could.
She just stood there with the corners of her mouth turned up and her hand on her hip, waiting.
I sighed. “Maaaan,” Pausing, I shook my head again and started to pace again. “She know, ma. Somehow… she know and—
“Mahogany? She know what?” Amber asked with raised brows. “You cheatin’ bro? Oh God do not tell me you cheatin on NeNe. What is wrong with you niggas?”
I looked over at her, sucked my teeth and said, “Man shut up. I ain’t cheatin on her ass.
” I shook my head again and bit down on my bottom lip.
“I cheated. Years ago. And… shit,” I shrugged, swallowing again.
I was fucked up. Hated having to say that shit out loud.
“A baby came out of it. A baby I didn’t know shit about until recently. ”
“I told you she was gon’ find out, nigga. I don’t know why the fuck you—”
“A baby!? You had a baby on NeNe? Oh, my fuckin… I swear niggas ain’t shit!” Amber yelled. “I thought you was a good one bro! I thought—”
“I don’t give a fuck about what you thought, nigga,” I cut in. “Mind yo’ business man. Don’t be around here runnin yo mouth.”
“Boy ain’t no secret no more. That little girl gon’ be around just like the rest of them.
” Ma said, shaking her head before sitting on the couch.
“And I didn’t tell that girl shit. When would I have had time to do that?
When she was avoiding me at Aubry party?
And you know I ain’t called her.” Pausing, she said, “Tuh. Skeletons don’t stay hidden in closets for long, boy. ”
I stopped pacing and looked at my ma.
“Mmhmm. I did not tell that girl shit,” she reiterated.
“You didn’t?”
“Didn’t I just tell yo ass multiple times I ain’t had shit to do with that?”
We locked eyes for a second before I sized her up. “Yeah okay.”
With that, I went back for the door, unlocked it, snatched it open and slammed it on my way out. Ain’t no way she didn’t tell Mahogany. Shit just didn’t add up. I couldn’t believe the one person I counted on all my life betrayed me the way she had.