Chapter 22
CRESCENT
“Hey,” said Mahogany on the other end of the phone. “So, look.”
“Aw shit,” I interrupted.
She sucked her teeth. “What?”
“I know why you’re calling. Wassup, Mo?”
She was silent for a second before sighing. “I know we’re supposed to meet in person today, but I need to switch it back to virtual.”
I shook my head, staring up at my parents’ house.
I was back. Had been there damn near every day for the past week.
Moms went from watching the soap operas to sleeping all day.
She hadn’t been awake for real for two days.
The only time she woke up was to use the bathroom.
Other than that, she was out. I’d just left out from seeing her, and shit wasn’t looking too good.
I needed a break. I was looking forward to the meeting with Mahogany.
Looking forward to the solace that would come from it.
But shit… she was canceling on me. What did I have left?
The crib to go to? A bottle to kick it with?
I didn’t want that. Could’ve called my niggas…
didn’t want to be around them neither. All day, I’d been looking forward to her.
Anything else would be a poor ass replacement.
I felt this coming. Another shift. Shit, we were barely out of the previous one.
But her husband walking in, catching us fucking changed a lot.
For days, I thought about what that would do to our relationship.
Today would be the first day I saw her since everything went down.
I was really looking forward to it, as I always was.
But... she was doing the Mahogany thing, shutting down.
I looked away from the house at the sight of Luna jogging down the stairs. Just as I was about to kick the car into reverse, she held her finger up. In return, I held mine up, showing her the phone. She placed her hands on her hips, stood next to the car, and waited.
“I need you to be a little patient with me.” She said, since I hadn’t said anything. “What happened was crazy. I just need a minute.”
“If it’s the office that’s a problem… work from mine.”
Her husband had a tendency of popping up. Wouldn’t have to worry about that shit at my spot.
I looked up at the house again and my chest tightened. I needed to see Mahogany today. Needed the hug seeing her would give me.
“What? No—I can’t. I’m not in the headspace to get dressed up right now, Crescent. All of my virtual meetings been done in a work shirt, and pajama shorts,” she said with a laugh. “Crescent—“
“Throw on the pajama top and work out of my in-home office, then,” I pled. “Listen… shit…” I paused. “I’m having a fucked-up day and could use the Mahogany experience.”
“The Mahogany Experience isn’t really an experience right now,” she mumbled. “I just told you I’d been in pajama’s all day.”
“I don’t give a fuck...” I paused. “My bad.” Running my hand over the top of my head, I sighed. “I didn’t mean it like that.” I tapped the steering wheel again, feeling my anxiety rise. “I need to see you.”
I hated to be a begging ass nigga, but it was the truth.
I did need to see her. I couldn’t wait. Wouldn’t wait.
I had to see her, and it had to be today.
I could’ve called Daija… could’ve released some stress on her, but I didn’t want to.
It wasn’t about sex. I just needed to see Mahogany.
This situation was fucked up. I needed her all the time, whenever I called.
Didn’t have it that way though. She was split and I couldn’t stand that shit on most days.
I was subjected to having her during working hours.
She sighed.
“Tell me okay,” I said.
She was quiet for a minute. Probably thinking of ways to tell me no without me convincing her.
Outside, Luna grew impatient.
I put my finger up again. She kicked at gravel.
“I just told you I needed you to be patient with me.”
I tossed my head back against the headrest. Mahogany was a sweet spot. She was… peace in the middle of chaos. And she didn’t have to do much of anything to be that. Just… be present. Being able to look up and see her working would give me what I needed.
“What you want me to do?”
She was quiet for a second. “What do you mean?”
“With needing to see you. In person. How am I supposed to navigate around that and… this?”
“I need patience.”
“I need you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“How you gon tell me what I need?” I asked with a grunt.
She sucked her teeth. “Crescent.”
I sighed. “I need to see you, Mo. Not over no fuckin’ computer screen, neither.”
I needed a distraction from reality and the gravity of it.
It was pulling me down. Pulling me closer and closer to a place I didn’t want to be in.
Grief was whooping a niggas ass. Hadn’t even lost moms yet but I was grieving her.
Grieving because I knew we were closer to the end than we were to anything else.
“I need to see you too,” she mumbled.
“So, what’s the problem?” I asked.
“You know what the problem is. Shit is... it’s complicated."
"You make things complicated. Things could be so simple.”
“But you know they aren’t.”
“Because you complicate them,” I said with a light chuckle.
"You know that’s not just it. You see what just happened.”
“Which is why I gave you the option to work at my office,” I reminded her.
“And how much work do you think we’re going to get done... at your in-home office. You remember what happened the last time I was there.”
I sure did remember. I bit my bottom lip at the thought of it. I remembered very fucking well.
“I know how to control myself.”
“Do you?”
“I do. Can you?”
She sighed, went quiet again and then sucked her teeth. “Yes I can control myself, Crescent.”
“So, my office? In an hour."
“What?”
“We gon’ keep going back and forth or are you going to meet me at my crib in an hour?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Tell me yes,” I said, taking the phone from my ear to shoot her the address to the crib since she’d only been to the condo.
Again, she went quiet, and I continued to tap on the steering wheel, watching as Luna grew more impatient.
“Two,” said Mahogany.
“Two what?”
“Hours. Bye Crescent.”
With that she hung up and I signaled for Luna to get in.
Did I want her to? Hell naw. She was too emotional.
I was trying to bury my emotions, not feel them because she felt them.
That’s how it was. Twin shit. Even with her standing outside of the door, I could feel what she felt.
Luna’s emotions were heavy because she wore them muthafuckas on her sleeve.
On her skin for real. She did nothing to hide how she felt.
Everything she felt, she felt ten times more than the next muthafucka.
It was good that she wasn’t a mother because being a parent required a level of strength that I just didn’t think my big sister had.
She got in and immediately got to it. “Mommy is about to die. What—what am I supposed to do with that? How can I—I can’t handle that Crescent. I don’t want to.”
“There is a lot of shit we don’t want to handle that we have to, regardless of feelings, Lu.”
If anybody knew that it was me. I hated to keep referencing Nova but death knocking on the door was a constant reminder.
She looked over at me. “So, she’s about to die?”
“I didn’t say it. You did.”
“You didn’t correct me.”
“Didn’t see a reason to.”
“Because you believe me.”
“Because death is inevitable,” I said, tapping my thumb on the steering wheel. Sighing, I asked, “What up, Lu? You heavy right now.”
She balled her body up, putting her feet up on the seat, pulling her knees up to her chest. I sighed again. She was heavy as fuck. Tears ran down her face, threatening to run down my own. I looked away, out of the window.
“I’m scared, Cres,” Lu said.
I was too.
Would never admit that to her. Couldn’t.
Not because I was ashamed but because she needed to believe I wasn’t.
She needed strength and if there was anybody out of the three of us, it was me that she looked to for that.
Couldn’t scare her by telling her that I needed some strength ‘round this bitch too. But like moms said… when shit hit the fan they would forget about me and it was happening already. Fuck was I supposed to do with that? Bitch and moan about being forgotten? Act like a little ass boy that needed a hug, too? I took it on the chin. Did what I had to do. Felt when it was time to feel. Although… I felt all of the time. Just couldn’t address it.
Had to push it down. Had to walk around like I had it all together…
thought out… planned. When in reality, I didn’t have shit worked out.
Couldn’t stop thinking about losing Nova.
Couldn’t stop thinking about losing ma and what that would mean not just for me, but for a lot of muthafuckas.
Still… had to be strong Crescent. Had to be Crescent with all of the answers.
“Aren’t you?” Luna asked.
“I don’t have time to be scared,” I honestly told her.
It was true. I didn’t have time to be anything but strong.
I had to stay on the go. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sit in my feelings at the end of the day, though.
Had been stuck in my feelings so heavy that I hadn’t even gone down to visit my daughter.
The weight of what I was dealing with was too heavy.
And just like before, I was battling it alone.
It was just history repeating itself in a different way.
Luna sucked her teeth. “Crescent.”
“What?”
“You’re scared. It’s… it’s okay to be scared. Don’t… never mind.”
“Don’t what, Lu?” I asked, looking over at her. “Huh?”