Chapter 22 #3
A niggas ego was a little bruised. I couldn’t lie.
I said I wouldn’t chase her ass and I meant it.
I mean, I tried to mean it. Mahogany made it hard for me.
The constant confusion, the staring off, thinking too much and shit was starting to really get to a nigga.
Why though? I knew my position. I was on the outside.
She had a whole ass husband. Didn’t matter that they were going through what they were going through.
Didn’t matter that he’d caught me fucking her.
She was married, still, with that one foot planted.
Fuck was I even doing though? This wasn’t me.
I didn’t operate like this. Fuck had she done to me?
It was something in the air every time we were in the same room.
A longing. A deep desire. My heart raced every single time we were together.
I couldn’t help but want more. She felt the same way.
I could sense it. The way I felt… it wasn’t just one sided.
Mahogany was just… she was making it hard for a nigga.
I clenched down on my teeth and grabbed my phone from my pocket to check the email so we could get to work.
An hour and a half passed before we were done. The rest of our meeting was spent with me all in, listening. I was in a mood. I wasn’t a fan of rejection. Not at all. Especially not when it came from her. Fuck did I expect though, right?
She grabbed her things, put her laptop in its bag and I led her out of the office.
She had to know I was in a fucked up mood after she shut me down because she hadn’t said anything outside of business-related stuff since then.
I needed to chill but could you blame me?
I asked to take her out and she brushed over it like it was nothing.
When we made it to the front door, she lingered a little.
Pulled her lips into her mouth and looked off before finally looking back at me.
She wanted to say something. That beautiful, confused mind of hers was swimming with thoughts.
Any time we were together I wished I could read her mind.
She was so got damn complicated it didn’t make any sense.
“Umm,” she hummed.
“Wassup, Mo?”
She scratched her head. “We haven’t talked about what happened.”
“What we need to talk about it for?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. “What happened, happened. Dawg walked in on us, we scrapped and that was it. What more needs to be said?”
She frowned. “A lot needs to be said.”
“For what? Will it change the situation?”
“No,” she paused. “But it’ll help explain this one.”
“What you mean?”
“My husband caught me cheating on him.”
I snorted. “The husband you’re unhappy with?”
“It don’t matter if I’m happy or not, Crescent. I have to live with that man.”
I’d been so wrapped up in what I wanted with her that I didn’t consider how hard it might’ve been for her, living with that nigga after he caught her cheating.
She’d been in contact since everything, shooting me texts every now and then, so I was content with knowing she was breathing.
However, I didn’t consider what he could have been doing around the crib.
I uncrossed my arms and ran my hand over the top of my head.
Damn. Had I been in my right mind, not consumed with everything going on around me, I would have been a little more present.
But all I’d wanted during this whole thing was an escape and the comfort being with her gave me.
That escape. I was a glutton for it, not looking at the full board.
I said we didn’t need to talk about what happened but… we did. I was bugging.
“He put hands on you?” I asked with raised brows.
She shook her head. “No. Not like that. I mean, he did choke me when he woke up—”
“You sayin it like that’s normal. Fuck?”
“It’s not normal but he did walk in on me having sex with another man, Crescent. I don’t want anything to come out of what we did. That’s part of the reason I didn’t want to meet in person today. He was talking crazy, saying he’d kill you if—”
“Kill me? Yeah, aight.”
“Will you let me finish a sentence, Crescent? Damn,” she snapped.
With a deep breath, she looked away and hiked her bag over her shoulder.
“I don’t think he’ll do anything. That’s the only reason I came over here anyway.
He’s been quiet. We don’t talk or anything.
He stays out of my way, and I stay out of his.
He’s been looking for a place to move and everything.
” Again, she paused. This time, looking down at her feet.
“I didn’t want to ignore you earlier when you mentioned going out.
I would love to. If my situation was different. If I didn’t have so much going on…”
I started to say something, but she put her finger up.
“Let me finish. It’s hard enough doing this…”
I clenched down on my teeth, expecting the worst. There she was again, with the serious shit.
Emotional. Cycling through the thoughts rushing through her mind.
I needed to have a bit more understanding for her situation.
Shit was just hard to do because I wanted her so bad.
I’d just gotten her back for real. My anxiety was a little high, thinking about what would come out of her mouth next.
Since we got back on track with everything, I’d been worried about her putting an end to us again. Felt like that’s where we were headed.
“You asked me to go out,” she started. “And the look in your eyes when you asked was… wow. You want more with me. You want more with a person that can only give you a portion. Yes, I’ve given you my body.
Sometimes it feels like I’m giving you a piece of my soul.
When we’re together. But like I said, you want more with a person that can only give you a little.
I’m not reduced to giving you a little because of that nigga, neither.
I’m reduced to giving you a little because Crescent, I have issues.
I have deep, deep issues. Not just trust issues but…
things that need to be sorted through. I’m—” she paused.
“You couldn’t have come back into my life at a worst time. ”
“Back?”
She shook her head. “Sorry. I mean… you couldn’t have come at a worse time.
It’s not that I don’t want to take things to a new level with you.
I can’t. This thing between us happened because I was in pain.
I’m still in pain and Crescent you are an escape.
That’s unfair to you. Very unfair. I don’t want to lead you on.
Today, when you told me you needed me… I recognized it.
And when you asked to take me out, I saw it.
I felt it. I can’t do that to you, knowing I’ve got shit. I can’t give you what you want.”
I didn’t know what to say. I heard her loud and clear. She put it all out there for me to understand, vividly. But the only thing I could think about was having that piece of her that she mentioned.
I was quiet for a while before I finally opened my mouth. And what came out of it pissed me off. “I’m cool with whatever you can give me, Mo.”
Was I a simp? Had I turned into a bitch? I wore my feelings on my sleeve like a muthafucka when it came to her.
She shook her head. “You’re not though. And that’s not your fault—it’s mine.
I—” she looked off. “We can barely work together with all of this… stuff between us. You see how every time we get together, it goes from business to personal? I took a look at the progress we’ve made and Crescent we should be further along.
It's not just a bad thing on me, it’s bad on you too.
This is what I was afraid would happen with in-person meetings.
I really should have never let you convince me to take Shardae off your case, but I thought I was doing what was right for my company. ”
I bit down on my bottom lip to stop saying what I wanted to say.
Really, there was nothing for me to say.
She was right. All of the shit between us was interfering with work.
What was happening was exactly what I knew would happen, too.
But shit, what was I supposed to do about that?
Turn my attraction off? I couldn’t. I couldn’t help myself when we were together.
That something in the air pulled me toward her.
“You’re not going to like this,” she mumbled. “But I think the best course of action to take would be to stay virtual. And when we have to meet in person, I’ll bring along a colleague. Because—
“Here you go with that shit.”
“Did you hear anything I just said? I mean… any of it? On top of me not wanting to lead you on, I have to think about… I have to be careful with myself. Crescent, I like you. I like you a lot. Like… a hell of a lot. This isn't just about you. It’s about me too. I don’t have room for this in my life.
There are a lot of moving parts in my family right now. My kids are—”
“Aight,” I cut in. “You don’t have to explain anything else. I hear you, Mo. I hear you loud and clear. Whatever you want, I’m with it. I can’t keep doing this back-and-forth shit with you.”
“Back and forth shit?” she asked, as if she was offended. As if something I’d said was wrong.
“Yeah, back and forth shit. One minute you creaming on a nigga’s dick, the next minute you talking about putting some division between us. Again. You don’t have a clear thought. You’ve never had a clear thought. You goin back and forth with a nigga as if I don’t have feelings my damn self.”
I was done.
Over it.
Saw this shit coming a mile away. I was in my feelings.
Heavy. But I couldn’t beg her or get her to see shit from my angle so fuck it.
I was throwing the towel in too. If she wanted to stay virtual, we could stay virtual.
If she wanted to have a ‘chaperone’ present when we had meetings, we would have a fuckin’ chaperon present.
Fuck it. I was tired of Mahogany’s ass. For real.
I should have had a little compassion and understanding for her, right?
I should have shown her more grace. But the thing about all of this shit was, I didn’t force her to do shit.
This second time around? It was on her. She approached me at the bar, asking to leave.
She put us in this position. Because she was confused as hell. I was sick of it.
She pulled her lips into her mouth, looked away and then looked back at me.
This time with tears in her eyes. I felt a little shitty but the frown on my face didn’t leave.
When I said I was tired of the back and forth, I meant it.
On my soul I was tired of it. I wasn’t going to keep fighting for whatever it was between us, if she wasn’t in it.
I felt like a fool. Of course she wasn’t in it.
At that moment, I regretted going into business with her at all.
“I—” she paused and shook her head. “I apolo—
I opened the front door and stepped aside so she could walk out. “No need to apologize. Have a good one, Mo.”
She walked out of the house, and I closed the door before she could get down the stairs.