Chapter 25 #2
It was the same thing with Nova. Reign didn’t help with the arrangements.
She could barely help herself. She was fucked up.
Just stared at the TV screen all day, every day.
I had to meet with the funeral director.
I had to pick her last dress out. I had to tell them how to do her hair.
Had to pick the bows and shit out. It was all on me. Just like this would be.
I didn’t know how long I was standing there crying before Luna and Orion walked in. I was in a daze up until Luna’s screams pulled me out of it.
“Mommy!” She cried. “Mommy! Please don’t leave me!”
Orion held her up as they walked over to the bed where I stood, my eyes steady on moms. I needed to call 911. I needed to get her up out of here, but I couldn’t move. My hands stayed inside of my pockets. My feet planted. My eyes locked on her. Sometimes I even had to remember to breathe.
“Fuck ma,” Orion grumbled, reminding me of myself not too long ago. “Damn man.”
Luna climbed into bed with her, laid her head on the other side of her chest and bawled.
Orion stood next to me, staring just like I was.
Pops hadn’t moved. He was still on his knees, head on her chest, crying.
The crying had subsided a bit. Went from hysterical to soft and quiet.
Soft and quiet like the tears me and O shed.
I swallowed. “I gotta make that call.”
“Not yet,” said Pops. “I’m not ready for her to leave yet.”
Neither of us were but she had to go. She couldn’t stay here. I looked over at Orion. He looked over at me.
“Five minutes, bro,” He said.
I looked away and said nothing. Five more minutes wouldn't make a difference. In five minutes, they would want five more. And after that, five more.
Hours later, the house was full of family and friends.
They were in the living room. I was in the bathroom, sitting on the lid of the toilet away from the chaos.
I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn't want to talk to anyone.
Didn't want to hear another ‘sorry, nephew’. I was over it. Wanted to leave this bitch for real but I couldn’t.
I had to spend the night. I had to make sure pops was alright.
About thirty minutes into me sitting in the bathroom, there was a knock on the door for the second time.
First time, I told whoever I was using it.
That was about ten minutes ago. Moms ‘nem had more than one bathroom, but this was the guest bathroom.
The other, the master. Whoever it was had to use it so I had to get up.
I took a deep breath, got up and headed out, running into Uncle Lew.
I sized him up. “Don’t make a mess, Unc. Please.”
If moms was here she would have whispered for me to check behind him when he was done.
He nodded. “Aight nephew.”
I tossed the hood to my hoodie over my head and pulled a barstool out from the island.
With my hands stuffed into my pockets, I stared off, thinking about everything I had to do.
Not just with the funeral—period. I had to be at the construction site tomorrow morning.
I had to meet with three investors within the next two days.
And I had a meeting with the team scheduled.
My mind went to Judah and I thought about passing it all off to him.
All but one. The meeting at the construction site tomorrow.
Only because she would be there. Only because I needed a sight for sore eyes.
But I wondered if seeing her would add to the pain since what we had was done.
Since she needed time alone. Since she’d cut me off.
I wondered if it would be best for me to just pass it all off to him.
I sighed, knocked my hoodie off and ran my hand over my head.
What did I have to do first? Shit, I couldn’t remember.
Was I supposed to contact the funeral home?
Yeah, I was sure that came next. Maybe I should run to the store tomorrow afternoon to grab her outfit.
Moms loved purple. She needed a purple dress.
What size did she wear? Was I supposed to get shoes too?
Shoes for what? She didn’t need them. Wouldn't be walking no-fuckin’-where.
I clenched down on my jaw and shifted my eyes to the refrigerator. I knew Pops had to have something on ice. Getting up, I walked over to the ‘fridge and opened it, finding a bottle of 1942 at the bottle of the freezer.
When I closed the refrigerator, I was face to face with Reign.
“Hi,” she softly said, her eyes bloodshot red with bags underneath them. “I hope it’s okay that I’m here. Lu called me and... I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t say anything. Didn’t even stop her when she wrapped her arms around me for a hug. I let her. Hugged her back, too. I wasn’t surprised she was here. Like I said before, moms loved her. Looked at her as a second daughter. Treated her as such regardless of the breakup too.
“Do you um... Do you need anything?” She asked, pulling away from the hug.
I looked down at her, stared for a couple of seconds, and shook my head.
Fuck did she mean did I need anything? What could she do for me now that she didn’t do for me then?
I was in a mood. A fucked up mood. Went from being sad as hell to being mad.
I was tired of this shit. Tired of having to accept life for what it was.
Tired of being dealt fucked up hands. Tired of having resources and them not amounting up to anything when I needed them to the most. Shit was pointless. Life.... it was pointless.
We lived to die.
Loved to lose.
Where was the fulfillment in that? What was the purpose behind that? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Shit didn’t make any sense.
Reign rubbed her lips together and nodded. “Okay. Well... I’m here Crescent. Okay?” She locked eyes with me and raised her brows. “I am here. You don’t have to go through this alone, alright?”
I huffed. “Not this time huh?”
She ran her tongue over her bottom lip and nodded again. “I guess you can say I deserved that. But,” she paused. “That’s... that’s not fair. Don’t be unfair, Crescent.”
I could have been a little nicer. A little lighter. But all this shit didn’t do anything but unbury feelings I kept buried for a reason. I didn't like what today was doing to me. Didn’t like what today had done. What it had taken. What it had brought up. Shit left a nasty feeling in my spirit.
I walked by her and headed to the cabinets for a glass.
She lingered.
“Did you eat? I was thinking about going to grab food. For everyone,” she said, watching me.
I hadn’t eaten.
Hadn’t had anything to drink either.
“Nah. I’m good though.”
I didn’t want anything from Reign. I didn’t want her condolences. I didn’t want her support. None of that. I really just wanted to be left alone.
“You need to eat. I’m going to run to the Jet’s around the corner. I’m going to see if Rah will ride with me to help me with everything. You still like pineapples on your pizza... right?”
“I don’t want no fuckin’ pizza, Reign,” I coldly told her, as I poured 1942 into the scotch glass, hitting the rim.
She was quiet for a second before saying, “I know. I’m still going to get it though. And hopefully you eat it.”
With that, she walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Good.
I went from sitting in the kitchen, to sitting in the living room on the couch, in the middle of Orion and Luna.
The kitchen started to feel a little lonely, and I wanted to be around my siblings.
Luna sat next to me with her head on my shoulder, steady crying.
Orion sat on my other side, staring ahead, like me, while the rest of the people in the room laughed and reminisced about how crazy Niecy was and about how much she would be missed.
Pops was upstairs, laying in the spot moms died in.
His brothers sat outside of the bedroom, giving him privacy.
After about thirty minutes or so, Reign came back with Rah and about six boxes of pizza.
The younger kids and the rest of the family bombarded it while my siblings and I sat on the couch, unmoving.
They felt what I felt. I knew it because I could feel it coming off of them.
They wanted to be left alone. They wanted the house empty.
I understood why the family was here. I understood because I went through the same thing before, with Nova.
They were here for support, love, and compassion.
And while they did a good job giving that, they also gave off pain.
Listening to stories about moms wasn’t comforting.
It was a constant reminder of what I lost.
“Here,” said Reign, sitting a plate with two slices of pizza on it, in my lap. Pineapple and cheese...just the way I liked it. But I wasn’t hungry. Didn't have an appetite. Wasn't lying when I said I didn’t want no fuckin’ pizza.
She did the same for Lu and O. Sat pizza in their laps that they didn’t touch.
I didn’t say anything. Turned the glass of 1942 up to my mouth and took a long sip, finishing it.
Sitting up, I took the plate out of my lap and sat it on the table before getting up to go to the kitchen to refill my glass.
When I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle, Uncle Larry said something to me about it.
Joked about me getting drunk as a skunk like he used to.
I didn’t say shit. Didn’t laugh. None of that. I didn’t find shit funny.
I knew what he was doing. Trying to lighten the mood.
Trying to give me a little bit of the Uncle Larry he always was.
But I wasn’t here for it. Didn’t give a fuck about anything.
I mean, they were hurting too. Probably damn near as much as us but they were trying to lift our spirits.
I didn’t think anything would do that. Not for a long ass minute.