EPILOGUE
One year later
“Same time next week?” asked my therapist, Michael.
I nodded and slapped hands with him. “Same time next week.”
“Alright then. Take it easy on yourself, okay? You made some great progress today.”
I thanked him, grabbed my phone from the couch and headed out of his office.
I was in therapy. Once a week. Initially it was hard to sit on someone’s couch with the focus being me and my life.
It took me a minute to open up to him. Three sessions.
After he reminded me of the money I was wasting, I took a deep breath and told him why I was there.
A broken heart. A broken heart caused by me and me alone.
I was sitting with karma, suffering through it every day.
Once I told him that, we went from there, starting from the beginning.
I told him all about my childhood shit, about Mahogany and how we started.
Told him about how I mishandled her and about how I thought God was punishing me because of it.
Michael was a good dude, told me that wasn’t the case, but I couldn’t escape that feeling.
I carried it with me every day, even now, a whole ass year and a half after everything went down.
Felt like it would haunt me for the rest of my life for real.
Before I got in the car, I called Aubry to let her know I was on my way back to the condo.
“Stop Sparkle! They her dolls!” She yelled, answering the phone. “Hey daddy.”
“What she doin?”
“Keep taking all the Barbie’s from Diary. I don’t know how she left hers at home. I might go over there and grab hers. The girl don’t know how to share. Spoiled butt.”
Sparkle was five and having a hard time adjusting to the fact that she wasn’t the baby anymore.
Her and Diary got along for the most part, but when it came to sharing, she was horrible at it.
Diary didn’t let her run over her though because her ass was horrible at sharing too.
Every now and then I had to break up a little fight.
It was bad, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.
They got along more than they fought, that was for sure.
I laughed and shook my head. “I’m not too far from the crib.” I said, referring to Mahogany’s house. “I could stop by and grab—”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll go get them,” she cut in, like she didn’t want me to go to the house.
I turned the corners of my mouth up and got into the car.
Shit was a little weird. Shit would always be weird.
Something in my spirit told me Mahogany was in a relationship and the nigga stayed at the crib.
I didn’t think she would be spiteful like that and have a nigga around my kids without me knowing though.
We had a mutual respect, but we’d never talked about what would happen when or if either of us started to date.
“Why not? Your momma got company or something?”
“No dad,” she said after sucking her teeth. “I’m just saying—ain’t no reason for you to go to the house. I need to grab my MacBook anyway. I don’t know how I forgot it.”
“Mmhmm,” I grunted. “Well, I’m on my way. What y’all tryin’ to eat tonight?”
“I cooked. Spaghetti and wings.”
“I had stuff for spaghetti there?”
“Nope. I packed everybody in the car and went to Kroger,” she said with a laugh. “They got on my nerves so bad. We can’t eat fast food every time we here, daddy.”
I tossed my head back against the headrest and stared off into the distance. “You right. Thank you, Bry-Bry. You know I appreciate you, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be reimbursed too.”
With that, we laughed and hung up. Instead of pulling off, I sat there a minute, stuck in my head.
I did appreciate my daughter. More than she would ever know.
It was rocky getting where we were. She was mad at me for months before she started to open up again.
For a while, I thought she would go off to college with that same chip on her shoulder but nah.
A couple of weeks before she started, she softened up and bits and pieces of the Aubry I thought I lost started to resurface.
I thought I hated when Mahogany was pissed at me.
Nah, nothing compared to the cold shoulder my daughter gave me. Shit was heartbreaking for real.
Before I could pull off, my phone vibrated and I checked it.
It was Juanita, asking me how therapy went.
With a deep breath, I stared at the screen.
Scrolling up a bit, I read through our feed, shaking my head.
What the fuck was I doing? I needed to put an end to whatever it was that Juanita thought was happening between us.
Every morning, she texted good morning, every night, good night.
She checked on me, brought me food to work, sat with me, hinted at wanting to go out and shit like that.
And I fed into it all. Texted her back, accepted her food, gave off the impression that we would go out eventually.
All for nothing. I wasn’t in it with her.
Would never be in it with her. She was cool.
Beautiful, sweet, caring, thick as hell.
My type for sure, if I was actually looking.
But I wasn’t. I wasn’t in that headspace.
When I said I didn’t think I would ever move on from Mahogany, I meant it.
Shit, I meant it more than I thought apparently.
I hadn’t had pussy since Talia and the crazy part about that was, I had no desire to fuck on anything neither.
I was lonely, jacking my dick damn near every night at the thought of Mahogany.
I missed her. Still. Now more than I did before.
I was sick as hell without her and felt like I would never find love again.
On one hand I was cool with that. Felt like that was what I deserved, low key.
I was still, as usual, beating myself up.
The only difference about it now was that I wasn’t blaming anybody for where I was in life.
I took accountability for it all. What I did landed me here.
Mahogany didn’t have to forgive me. She didn’t have to accept Diary.
I was a bold ass nigga to even think that shit.
Entitled for real. Since we split, I’d had a lot of time to think about everything and where I was, was where I was destined to be all along.
Why did I think I’d get a happily ever after with her?
After all of the dirt I did? I didn’t deserve that.
Regardless of what Michael said, there was a balancing of scales happening.
You can’t do dirt and expect to get rewarded at the end.
What I was going through was a direct reflection of the negativity I put out.
And accepting that was a hard ass pill to swallow.
After telling Juanita therapy went straight, I backed out of the parking spot and headed home.
There was no telling for real where life would take me.
Maybe I would find the urge to date and seek love again.
From where I sat, it didn’t feel that way.
Not only because I didn’t think I deserved it but also because I had no desire for it if it wasn’t with Mahogany.
She did what she did, yeah but even that was a reflection of the energy I put out.
If Mahogany called me right now and told me she wanted the family together again, I would push past that shit and take my baby back.
Letting go of Mahogany was something I didn’t think I would ever do.
I was respectful though. Didn’t call her.
Didn’t try to get up in her business. I gave her space and love from a distance, regardless of how painful it was.
About twenty minutes later, I was pulling into the garage at the condo. I killed the engine, grabbed my phone and got out. Before I could walk in, I heard them coming. With a smile, I slowed my stride and waited.
A second or two later, the garage door swung open and out ran both Sparkle and Diary.
“Daddy!” Yelled Sparkle, trying to jump into my arms.
“Daddy! Daddy!” Yelled Diary, trying to do the same.
Yeah, I was daddy these days. Later was that Mr. Duke shit.
I could remember the day I went from Mr. Duke to daddy vividly.
She’d just woken up from a nightmare and was calling me in the night.
I thought I was tripping for a minute, hearing Sparkle.
But when I finally came to, and realized what was going on, my heart filled with an overwhelming amount of love, and I rushed to her room to check on her. From that day forward, I was daddy.
“What y’all been doing all day?” I asked. “Fighting?”
“No!” yelled Sparkle.
“She took my doll,” Diary pouted.
“No, I didn’t! You said I could play with it.”
“I wanted it back!”
While they argued, I walked up the stairs to the main level of the condo.
The smell of fried chicken immediately hit my nostrils and I silently thanked God.
I was tired of fast food too. Aubry was helpful as hell, but I needed to step up.
I couldn’t rely on my daughter cooking. Especially since she was usually at school.
Cooking wasn’t her responsibility. She liked it but it was on me to be better in that department.
I made a mental note to cook at least three times a week.
“You saw what they said about Durant?” asked Gabe, sitting at the island, looking down at his phone.
I put the girls down and told them to play fair. They ran off after shouting okay in unison.
“Nah, what they say?”
He looked over his shoulder at me, shook his head and said, “Trading him.”
“Swear to God?” I said with raised brows.
“Bible,” he said, steady shaking his head.
We were cool. Back like we never left, talking about sports, music, and playing the game together like nothing happened.
I was complete. Complete in every area but my love life.
My heart was full since I had my kids, but there were still little holes in it.
A big ass hole in it for real. A hole that only Mahogany would fill.
But… that was a wrap. And although I didn't think God was much of a fan of me, I still asked him on a daily to help me reach a place of true acceptance. I didn’t think Mahogany and I would ever get back together but…
I hadn’t quite reached a point in my journey where I could say that without it hurting.
When I sat at the island, Aubry jogged down the stairs. Before she headed for the door, she kissed me on the side of my head and told me she would be right back.
“I hope you sprayed the bathroom with yo stankin’ self,” Gabe said with his nose turned up.
She rolled her eyes and popped him in the back of his head. “Shut up, ugly! My booboo smell like roses.”
“You wish! I don’t know why you think you perfect.”
She sucked her teeth and looked at me with a knowing expression. “Ain’t I perfect, daddy?”
I smiled and nodded. “You already know.”
She made a cute face, smiled and stuck her tongue out at Gabe. “Told you.”
“That’s why she act like that,” Gabe said, shaking his head, leaning over to show me the post about Durant on his phone.
I might not have had love from a woman… well, the woman I wanted but I had it with my kids and right now that was enough. Low key, it would be enough to last a lifetime.