Chapter Twenty-Two
Amelie could not move. Her body would not respond to any commands and she wondered if she had suffered an apoplexy.
Just now, she wished more than anything for the familiarity of her home.
She wanted to curl up under the covers of her childhood bed and wait for her mother to come and comfort her, to make everything better.
It was doubly painful knowing that her place of comfort was long lost, along with her mother.
She glanced at Will and could see him deep in thought and she wanted to reach out, to pull him to her. She felt as though she were drowning, but because she was silent no one was taking any notice.
‘Amelie,’ a soft voice said, filled with warmth and gentleness. ‘Excuse my intrusion into your thoughts, but I wondered if you might like a little air?’
Amelie looked up into the kind face of Miss Flint and managed to nod.
Fresh air might be exactly what she needed.
At the moment her whole body felt on edge, locked in position by the panic that had taken over.
She was still shaken by the revelation that gossip about Will and her was blazing through Cambridge and had also reached London.
It felt as if her whole world had crumbled within a matter of minutes, her prospects for the future shrinking, pressing her back into perpetual worry about providing for her family.
She stood, glancing at Will, but Lady Elizabeth was talking to him about her dowry.
Following Miss Flint out into the garden, she breathed deeply, calmed a little by the sweet, fresh air. They walked a little away from the cottage, stopping when they got to the banks of the river.
‘I hope you don’t mind my boldness,’ Miss Flint said at last. ‘I saw your expression in there. The weight of this must feel unbearable.’
Amelie gave a brittle laugh. ‘Unbearable is one word. It feels as though the ground has been ripped away beneath me. Everyone knows my name. I cannot imagine ever finding another household willing to employ me now.’
Miss Flint slowed her pace and turned to look at her.
‘This may seem like I am being forward, given we have only just met, but it think it could be important for you to hear.’ There was pain in Miss Flint’s expression but she pushed on regardless.
‘I know how cruel gossip can be. I also know how it feels when the people you thought you could trust turn their backs.’
She hesitated, as though choosing her words carefully.
‘Before I met Lady Elizabeth, I lived in Oxfordshire. There was…another young woman, someone I loved dearly. We thought we were discreet, but her family discovered us. Like the situation you find yourself in now, the gossip spread very quickly; my name was on everyone’s lips. ’
Amelie’s breath caught.
‘They spread vile rumours,’ Miss Flint continued quietly, her eyes shadowed with memory. ‘I was accused of corrupting her. The village turned against me. My parents, terrified of disgrace, sent me away. I had nothing.’
Amelie felt a pang of sympathy, fierce and raw. ‘How did you survive?’
‘I met Lady Elizabeth. She offered me protection, friendship and eventually something more than either of us had expected. With her, I have found peace again. A different life than I imagined, but a good one. A happy one.’
They walked a few more paces. Amelie’s throat felt tight.
‘I tell you this,’ Miss Flint said softly, ‘Because I think you and I stand in similar places. You love him; I can see it. And perhaps he loves you too. But the world will not bend for us. It never has. What Lady Elizabeth suggested…it is not madness. It is a chance. A way for all of us to keep what is most precious, even if the world does not accept it.’
Amelie stared at the roses, still vibrant in their colour. ‘And if it fails?’ she whispered.
Miss Flint reached out and touched her arm lightly. ‘Then you will at least know you tried. Sometimes we must be bold and take the opportunities life offers.’
Amelie swallowed hard, her heart aching.
Miss Flint had sat in their parlour for less than fifteen minutes and she had seen how Amelie cared for Will.
Yet neither of them had ever spoken of love.
Amelie knew Will cared for her, felt a deep affection alongside the desire, but perhaps he had allowed that to blossom, knowing there would be an end point to their relationship.
He might not want to be tied to her for ever.
‘I will leave you. Lady Elizabeth and I have a long ride back to London.’ She smiled at Amelie and pressed a folded piece of paper into her hand. ‘Whatever you decide, you have a friend in me. Here is my address. If you ever need anything, please call on me here, or write—any time for anything.’
‘Thank you.’
Amelie stayed outside after Miss Flint had disappeared back into the cottage and remained there until long after the carriage had rolled away through the quiet streets of Grantchester.
At first she remained alone, lost in her thoughts, but after a while Will came out and joined her.
He looked at her cautiously, as if he wasn’t sure how she was going to react.
He silently slipped his arms around her and pulled her to him.
Amelie felt a little of the tension she was holding melt away, although this time Will’s touch could not fix everything.
‘Tell me what you heard in Cambridge,’ he said as he led her to the little table and chairs that sat at the back of the cottage.
‘I was in Market Square, browsing the stalls, when I heard two women talking about us—well, about you, really. They said you were “holed up in Grantchester with some working girl from London”. They laughed at your audacity at taking me to the ball at Trinity and commented on how they think you are attractive and they would take my place if given the chance.’ Amelie swallowed, reliving the feeling of humiliation that had crashed over her in Cambridge when she had heard the women talking.
‘They knew my name, these two women who I have never met before, who know nothing else about me except my indiscretions.’
‘I am sorry, Amelie.’
She continued, hardly hearing him. ‘And now it is clear the rumours have reached London. You are a duke; of course people are interested in your scandalous behaviour. I cannot believe I was na?ve enough to think that out here we were safe.’
Amelie wanted to bang her head against the table but instead pressed her palms hard against her eyes, fighting the sting of tears.
‘How could I be so foolish? I should have known better. I should never have allowed myself to be seen with you in public, never let you take me to that ball. I’ve ruined myself, Will.
Whatever happens to you, you will recover, your title will protect you.
But me? I will never be free of this. I will always be the maid who let herself be seduced by the duke. The fool.’
Will reached across the little table and took her hands in his. His grip was steady, though his voice was low with guilt. ‘Do not blame yourself. If anyone is at fault, it is me. I should never have asked this of you. I put you in this position. I should have protected you.’
She shook her head, staring down at their joined hands.
‘And yet, even now, I don’t regret it. Only the consequences.
’ Amelie realised it was the truth. These last few weeks with Will had been filled with happiness and contentment.
She had felt peace here in Grantchester and, for the first time in a long time, hope for the future.
Will had opened her heart to the possibility of love.
After thinking she would never want a relationship, never want to rely on another, he had made her realise everything she was missing.
Groaning, she closed her eyes. It was such a mess, and a mess of her own making.
She had known an affair with Will had the potential to be uncovered, to end in scandal, yet she had allowed herself to be swept along by her desire.
It had been selfish and reckless and she could not escape the fact that she had brought this upon herself.
In many ways she was no better than her father.
He had brought shame on the family with his gambling and his debts and she had now compounded that shame by becoming the mistress of a duke.
Amelie felt the panic take hold of her. Whatever they decided, the outcome would be disastrous.
If she declined to become Will’s mistress she would once more be on her own.
Without a job she would be back on the streets, searching for employment whilst desperately trying to keep a roof over her kin’s heads.
The practicalities were a worry, but alongside that she would lose Will, the man who had made her feel happiness again.
Amelie felt despair threaten to overcome her.
The alternative was no better. In that scenario she would keep Will, but only part of him. She would be hidden away like a dirty little secret, never able to tell anyone the truth about her life. It would be a half-existence, condemned to the shadows.
‘Amelie, I meant what I said inside. I will find a way through this, for both of us. Lady Elizabeth’s offer is not what I ever imagined for my life, but perhaps it could work.’
‘Are you considering Lady Elizabeth’s proposal?’ She had wondered if he would dismiss it immediately, but then she saw the longing in his eyes. She might not be worthy of becoming his wife, but he did care for her, and she knew he would find it hard to give her up.
‘I am,’ he admitted. ‘Think of it—you settled comfortably in a quiet house in the countryside, with no mistress or employer to govern your every movement. I would visit you, as I have here. We could walk by the river, sit by the fire, talk as we always have. Nothing need change between us, except perhaps that you would no longer have to worry about losing your place or finding a new one.’
Amelie stared at him, her lips pressed tight. ‘And my brother and sisters?’ she whispered.
He hesitated only a moment before nodding. ‘If they wished, they could live with you too. No one would deny it. I would see to their care, their schooling. They would want for nothing.’
Her chest rose and fell quickly, as if she could not draw enough air. It was everything she wanted, and yet it felt wrong, hollow.
‘I don’t know, Will,’ she said at last, her voice breaking.
‘It sounds like freedom, but it also sounds like a prison. To live so near you but never truly be yours…’ She pulled her hands from his, pressing them to her chest as though to still her heart.
‘I need time to think. Please don’t ask me for an answer now. ’
Will reached out but let his hand fall short of touching her. His eyes searched hers, filled with longing and regret. ‘Of course; take all the time you need.’
Amelie stood, unsure where she was going to go. She could not show her face in Grantchester now, not with the gossip swirling around them. Yet she wanted to stride out, to walk until her legs ached and her lungs burned. Instead, she retreated inside to her bedroom, hating how confined she felt.