Chapter 24
October 15th, 1898, Boston, Massachusetts
As Matthew stood outside the front door of his father’s house, he felt a shiver run down his spine. It hadn’t changed a bit, since that fateful day when he had come here after his final exam and had told everyone within earshot who Grantham St. Cloud truly was. But he had changed. He wasn’t the angry, betrayed boy he had been back then, and it had taken Andrew and Elise’s letters to make him realize that he had reacted to Rachel’s lies in exactly the same way he had to his father’s, and that he had only reacted so badly to his father, because he had thought that his mother had lied to him, too.
He knew that he would never learn the truth. With both his mother and father dead, that was a luxury he would never be blessed with. But what he could do was to make amends for all he had done to cause pain to people who had not been to blame for any of his. They might not accept his apology. They may never forgive him. But he had to let them know that he was contrite, that he had regrets about behaving as he had, and that he had been tortured by the memory of that fateful day, and always would be.
He suffered a moment’s hesitation before reaching out and banging the heavy iron knocker against the door. He stepped back, politely, and waited. It felt like a lifetime had passed before anyone came. The door opened cautiously and a grey-haired man using an ebony cane with a silver-tip stood before him. He was frail and bent, but his eyes were sharp and narrowed as he saw Matthew standing there. “So, you finally came back. Run out of money did you?” he asked.
“I, I thought you were dead,” Matthew gasped, realizing that this wizened old man was his father.
“You certainly left me for dead. Some doctor you are.”
“I thought I had killed you.”
“Not quite, but you gave it a good try,” his father said drily. “I suppose you had better come inside. With your habit for histrionics, I’d rather the neighbors did not hear everything you wish to yell at me this time.”
“I’m not here to yell,” Matthew said earnestly. “I promise you I’m not.”
“We’ll see.” He flicked his head to indicate that Matthew should follow him and began to walk slowly across the grand hallway. Matthew closed the door behind him and followed a little nervously. His father led him to a small study, where he sat down in a high-backed chair by the fire and indicated Matthew should take the one facing him.
“We’ve a lot to talk about, haven’t we?” he said with a sad look on his face. “I never thought I’d see you again. I sent people after you, to find you and bring you back.”
“I thought your family were trying to ruin my career,” Matthew said.
“After I’d paid all that money for it?” his father exclaimed. “No. I just wanted to talk to you. To apologize for the way I handled everything. When the military turned us away, I gave up hope of ever getting the chance.”
“Where are your daughters, your wife?” Matthew asked. The house seemed terribly quiet.
“My daughters married wealthy men and left home long ago. One of them is happy, the other blames me for ruining her life. My wife sadly passed away just a year ago. She hated me once she knew about you. But she stayed with me and made my life a misery – as I deserved.”
“I don’t understand,” Matthew said. This was not the welcome he had expected. Nor was his father the titan he had remembered. This was a lonely and broken man, one who had sinned and had learned the hardest way possible the cost of those sins.
“Shall I start at the beginning then? Perhaps you might when I tell you everything.”
“Please do.”
“I, like most young men born of wealthy fathers was expected to marry well and produce beautiful offspring to continue the family name. And I dutifully did so, and hated my wife for it, when I should have stood up to my father before the marriage was arranged. My wife, in return, hated me. She did her duty and gave me two children, both daughters, then refused to keep trying until we got a son. My father blamed her for his not having a suitable heir, she took that out on me, too.”
“How do I know that this isn’t lies?” Matthew asked softly.
“Because you can read her diaries, or you can ask my daughters. They will happily tell you of how evil I am and how I ruined their mother’s life, and how they hated growing up in a home full of spite, on both sides.”
Matthew nodded. The man did not have any reason to lie. Given the heart attack he had suffered all those years ago, and his frailty now, it was likely that he did not have much longer to live. Perhaps he truly did wish to put something right if he could before he truly did meet his maker.
“So, everyone hated everyone else. And then I met your mother while I was away on business. I was away on business a lot back then. I moved her to Boston and I spent every moment I could with her. If there is anything good, anywhere in my life, it was the love I had for her, you must believe me about that.”
“So, why did you leave her alone when she was pregnant?” Matthew asked boldly.
“Because I truly did not know. She was afraid to tell me. She knew I couldn’t leave my wife. Knew I didn’t dare upset my father that way. I called on her one day, as I always did, and she was gone.”
“Why did you not look for us?”
“Don’t you think I tried? I went to her parents and they told me they’d sent her away, not wanting anything to do with an unwed mother. And after that, I had no clue where she could have gone. This is a very big country, and all the money I spent on investigators to try and locate her were wasted. All I ever learned was where she wasn’t.”
“And then she died.”
“And you arrived on my doorstep, having worked out all the clues and found your way back here.”
“And you told me you would have honored me as your son, then as good as banished me.”
“As a baby, it would have been easy to pass you off as my own, as my wife’s. She wouldn’t have liked it, but she would have done it, because then my father would have been happy, which would have made both our lives easier. But as a boy? How could I suddenly have a ten year old son and claim him as a legitimate heir to the St Cloud fortune?”
Matthew had to admit that there was some reason behind his excuse. “You’ve had a long time to think about this, to prepare your defense.”
“I have,” his father admitted. “But I am telling you the truth. I did what I could for you, didn’t I? I sent you to the best schools, offered you the protection of having me as a guardian, while protecting my wife and daughters from the shame of my affair. What more could I have done?”
Matthew nodded. His father was a weak man. It was clear from all he’d said that his father had been the one in control of his life, in every way. And he had not tried to fight against the current. He had just held on for dear life. He truly did believe that he had done the best that he could, because it had been all he could offer. He did not have it in him to love anyone, for he too had grown up without a father’s love. He had never learned what it truly meant, which was why he’d been able to let Matthew’s mother go. If he’d truly loved her, he would never have stopped looking for her.
Matthew had known love. His mother’s love, and the love of his friends in Eagle Creek. And because he’d thought he didn’t deserve it, he had run from them. Because this silly little man had made him feel worthless, all this time. He shook his head and laughed hysterically. “Do you have any idea how much of my life I have ruined because of you?” he asked him. “I came here to apologize to your daughters, thinking to end whatever hard feelings there might be between us. And again, I come to your door and I find you, full of your fear of how everything will affect you. What impact will I have on your life. Well, your father is dead. Isn’t it time you stopped fearing him and did what will make you happy?”
“The only thing that ever made me happy was your mother,” he said sadly, not even a hint of anger in his face or his voice. “And I let her get away. I let a life of love escape, because I was afraid of him. You’re absolutely right. We could have been happy together, the three of us. You could have had the childhood you deserved. But I was too weak to do what either of you needed.”
“You did what you could,” Matthew said softly, whispering the words his father had said a little earlier. “And was it enough? For you, or for me?”
“No,” his father said. “And now it is too late to make amends. But I want you to know that you are named in my will. I had it changed after I got home from hospital after…” he patted his heart. “You are my son. If you want it, my name is yours. I will not blame you if you leave here today and never return. That is your right. But I am glad I got to see you once more, to try and explain that I was simply the very worst of men, and that I am sorry for the harm I did you and your mother.”
Matthew let himself out of the house. Whatever he had expected from the visit here, it had not been what he had found. His father was alive and alone. He had suffered the agonies of his ill health, and wound up without anyone. It was a fate he deserved and Matthew knew he would never regret feeling that way. But the regrets he had come here with had disappeared. Nobody would be following him anymore, and they hadn’t been out to ruin him anyway. He felt the years of anxiety slough away from him, the way a snake loses its old skin.
He no longer had to carry the guilt of killing his father, for he had not died. But he did have regrets, and he knew that it was time that he stopped letting this old man and his legacy ruin his life. It was time to break free and to live the life his mother would have wanted for him. One full of love, and kindness. One where he could be whatever he wanted to be, whether that was a husband and father, or as the director of a fancy hospital.
All of the lies, all of the assumptions, all of the denials were over. It was time to live his life. It was time to be with the people he loved. It was time to go home.