Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
The lights danced on Glacier’s face as I exited the highway. Her unwavering love was heavy on my heart. And, for nearly two years, I’d tried getting back to that. Back to her .
In the midst, I’d caused so much damage. That was something I never intended to do. Especially not to her. Not to Mommas.
There was so much to be repaired. There was so much to be restored. There was so much to be rekindled. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second, I planned to put in the necessary work to rebuild the foundation I’d laid before things went astray.
I’d come into Glacier’s world at a pivotal point and flipped that motherfucker right side up. Made a fucked up situation better. Not because I had to, but because she made a nigga want to.
Want to help her.
Nurture her.
Listen to her.
Look out for her.
Take good care of her.
Spend the rest of his life with her.
From the first time we spoke on the phone, she’d captured parts of me I was unsure existed. The stress in her voice pulled on my heartstrings and before she could begin to get overwhelmed with her misfortunes, I was in my whip and on the way to save a woman I didn’t know from a fucking can of paint.
Knowing Mommas was preparing to walk across that stage without a single loved one in the crowd to acknowledge her accomplishments and clap until their hands burned did something to a nigga.
No mother.
No father.
No friends.
No family.
No one.
She was like me in more ways than she knew. Maybe she was green and maybe she was as legit as they came, but her pain mirrored mine. I saw it in those pretty eyes the minute they met mine.
Her mother was beneath the dirt. So was mine.
Her father was beneath the dirt. So was mine.
Their deaths were sudden. Jolting. And almost simultaneous, too.
A car crash had murdered her parents. Mental illness had murdered mine.
We were so different, yet the same. And since the day she dialed my line, she’d left a stain on my heart. I wanted her and the physical, for once, wasn’t enough. I wanted her , every part of her. Even the ugly parts.
Strangely, I’d yet to discover a single one. A single flaw. But, I had many and she loved a nigga despite any of them. That’s why I had to make this right. Make this better. Make her better.
Because as hard as it was to admit, she was a fraction of the woman I knew she could be. Even though wiser, smarter, and better than before, she wasn’t at her best. With me by her side, she would be soon enough.
Lessen her burdens.
Carry her load.
Take good care of her.
Fuck her well and often.
Speak life into her.
Love her, every day and in every way.
Make sure she understands she’s valued.
I lowered my lips onto Glacier’s hair to land a kiss.
You can rest, now, Mommas. I’m here. And, I got you .
Makenna was the first person I scooped from her seat. I’d already unbuckled Madelyn, so I scooped her into my arms immediately after. The front door of my home was ajar. Midnight was by my side. Ghost was standing beside the door with watchful eyes and a rumbling belly.
I got the girls up the stairs and into the room next to the main suite. They didn’t have a space of their own in the crib yet, but that would be changing soon. For now, I let them stretch out on top of the sheets in the queen-sized bed.
Piece by piece, I removed their clothes until they were down to their princess undies. I pulled the comforter over their bodies.
Muah . I kissed Madelyn’s cheek.
Muah. I kissed Makenna’s cheek.
I stood back, taking them both in without saying a word. Pride swelled my chest and somehow I began to wonder if this was how my father felt as he watched us sleep. There were four of us, all splitting images of him with my mother’s brains and blood running through our veins.
My nostrils expanded as my breaths shortened. I could hear each one I took in and then released. Just as the pain that was a result of my absence began to surface, I tore away from their small frames and headed out of the bedroom.
Some moments I’d never know the significance of. The joy of. The hardship of. The effort. The time. The energy. The preparation. The capacity. The level of complication. Nothing .
I’d never see them take their first steps. I’d never see them have table food for the first time. I’d never see them crawl. I’d never see them take their first breaths. I’d never feel their first kicks in the womb. I’d never see them during the ultrasound visit for the first time. I’d never hear their heartbeats on the monitor for the very first time.
The videos and letters were Glacier’s way of making sure I didn’t miss a damn thing, but I’d missed every fucking thing.
First words.
First phrases.
First laughs.
First hugs.
First teeth.
First night home.
“I owe her my fucking life,” I choked out, taking the stairs one by one. “She ate them years alone.”
I made it to the bottom and swiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. Whether Glacier knew it or not, I was indebted. I owed her everything. My love. My life. My whole fucking world . And, she could have it. Without fuss. Without fight.
She’ll never know what being alone feels like again .
Darkness surrounded me as I pulled a sleeping Glacier into my arms. I shut the door behind me and carried her into the house. In the bed we once shared, the bed we’d made passionate love and memories that would last us a lifetime, I laid her down and began to undress her.
Exhaustion wasn’t cutting her any slack. She was out cold. When she was down to her bra and panties, I tucked her in and kissed those lips I loved so much. The second my feet made it over the threshold, an instant void plagued me.
I mustered the strength to continue down the hallway and stairs. By the time I made it to the living room, Midnight and Ghost were waiting next to their massive bowls that hadn’t been filled since we left them a few hours ago.
“Y’all niggas should still be full,” I groaned, “Greedy fucks.”
I wasn’t in the mood to prepare anything on the stove, so I settled for a pack of the well-balanced raw beef in the fridge. They each had four packs for our stay in Berekely. They were now down to two each.
I cracked an egg and tossed a carrot in each of their bowls before placing them within reach. As they busied themselves with their late-night snack, I headed toward the living room. At least that’s where I thought I was headed, but my feet were following my heart. Not my head .
I entered the master suite, already regretful of my choices but I couldn’t help myself. The stirring in the bed as I got closer lessened my guilt. I lowered my elbows onto the linen when I was close enough. Though it was dark, I didn’t need light to see my heart. I could feel her .
“Mommas?” I whispered.
“Hm?”
“You sleep?”
She shook her head as if I’d be able to see her. Though I didn’t, I heard her head moving on the pillow.
“What’s the matter?”
A sigh left her lips. My heart constricted.
“I can’t sleep.”
“Why not?”
“You’re not here,” she explained, mending and breaking me at once.
“I was just downstairs, Kiwi.”
“I know, but not here. I can’t rest when you’re not next to me. It’s like déjà vu. The hurting begins all over again. Feels like you’re not coming back to me again.”
“I’m here, Glacier.”
“I know.”
“And, as long as I can help it, I’ll always be here.”
“I know.”
I worried how she’d cope when life back in Berekely beckoned for me.
Will she sleep?
Will she worry?
Will she hurt?
I patted the bed in search of her hand.
“Come downstairs with me.”
“Bab–”
“You said you can’t sleep without me. Then, don’t. Come watch a movie with me.”
The truth was, I missed her the most when she was resting. Though I knew she needed it, I knew I needed her. I’d lost sleep for damn near two years because she wasn’t beside me. I understood the turmoil she was in. The hell she’d experienced.
“Okay.”
I slid her out of the bed and into my arms. She fit so perfectly. Her arms wrapped around my back.
“I love you, Mommas. And, a nigga sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“For everything.”
“Makai, don–”
“You’re owed that for the rest of our lives, Glacier. Even when I stop saying it with words, it’ll be with my actions. Always. Forever.”
She nodded against my chest.
“Come on.”
By the hand, I led her out of the room, down the stairs, and onto the couch. Finally, I could rest my bones. I wouldn’t have been able to if she wasn’t right beside me.
Glacier accepted the invitation onto my lap. I pulled the blanket over her and toyed with the remote as she got comfortable. Belly was the movie of choice. I pressed the play button without thinking twice.
“Uhhhhhhh,” my baby yawned.
“You gone fall asleep on me, huh?”
“No. I’m up now.”
Her mouth was saying one thing, but her body language was saying something else. She wasn’t even facing the television. The first scene caught my attention as I expressed the humor in her lie.
“We’ll see,” I chuckled.
“Umm hm–”
Snuggled up against me, Glacier’s cognizance began to decline. Within five minutes of the movie, her breathing had changed and she could no longer maintain her weight. It was all good, though, because that’s what I was here for. That’s what I’d always be here for.
***
“Fuck you going?” I grunted, sliding in and out of Glacier’s slipperiness.
She was soaked.
With my hand wrapped around the back of her neck, I held her hostage. She lost her arch as the blows to the back intensified.
“Un un. Straight up. Arch that fucking back.”
“Uhhhhhh. Babbbb– Uhhhh.”
Her ass cheeks slammed into me with each stroke. Her climax had left her sensitive, yet I was still tapping on her internal bulb.
Her spine curved, causing her ass to poke out, just how I loved it.
“That’s it, Mommas.”
She fisted the sheets. I admired her from above. Her body was flawless. The extra curves and additional weight had matured Glacier’s frame in my absence. I was grateful for the change. Her beauty had been enhanced, and I hadn’t imagined it was possible.
With her bearings slightly gathered, she began pushing her body into mine. Fucking me back. And, summoning my semen from my sack.
“Shit.”
“Yesssss. Yessss. Yes!”
“Fuck.”
I stilled, allowing her to work her hips and bring me utter pleasure in the process.
Damn, baby .
Glacier was lethal. And with each stroke of her pussy the revelation was clearer.
“Fuuuc—”
Everything tightened, leaving me motionless as my cum evaded my body, fleeing to hers where there was warmth and love that couldn’t be compared to any other feeling in the world.
“Urgh.”
Glacier fell forward and I fell backward, wondering where the hell the last two days had gone and why this time had come so quickly. Next to each other, we rested without words. Our breathing was labored and our hearts beat unevenly.
It wasn’t until ten minutes had passed that I scooped Glacier up in my arms and carried her into the shower where I cleansed her body from head to toe.
Silence .
Out of the shower and onto the bed, I carried her once we’d both dried off. Inch by inch, I slathered shea butter on her skin, paying close attention to the marks along her stomach. As I showed them more love than the other parts of her frame, I found myself bowing my head and doing something I didn’t find myself doing often.
When you’re ready, Lord, bless our worlds and her womb. I’m in no condition to ask for my own personal gain, but she’s an angel. And, I’m asking with her at the forefront of my mind .
I opened my eyes to find Glacier staring at me. No words. Just glaring.
The smile that resulted felt unreal. Though I had so much to be happy about, there was a lingering pain stemming from my commitments back in Berkeley.
Silence.
I wrapped her in threads she owned and then tucked her under the sheets. With her settled in, I began to dress myself. It didn’t take long at all. No effort was put into my attire.
I didn’t have much in the closet, but Glacier had made sure she had a small collection of clothes waiting in the event that I came home to her. There were so many signs that told me she knew I would. Each time I found another one, I rejoiced inwardly.
Silence.
Mornings in our household were usually chaotic, especially when Glacier had a shift at the hospital. This morning, in particular, there was a rumbling silence that made my stomach knot and my head ache. I sat on the edge of the bed with my heart in my hands, dreading the second I stood, because I knew exactly what I’d have to do.
Silence .
Leaving Clarke and leaving my three girls behind had been weighing on me for forty-eight hours. The time had come and I still wasn’t ready. I turned to find a weary Glacier, sprawled across the bed with her eyes closed.
She wasn’t sleeping. She couldn’t. Neither could I.
Putting my best foot forward, I gathered my bearings and prepared to leave. When my weight no longer made the bed sag, Glacier’s eyes opened, revealing the longing within them.
“Three days,” I explained, “I’ll be back in three days.”
“Okay,” she responded without an ounce of enthusiasm.
“You’re going to be alright?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Walk me to the door.”
“Maka–”
“Walk me out, Mommas.”
I towered over her, pressing my lips against hers.
“Talk to me.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“You’re feeling some shit, though.”
Though she didn’t have anything to say, her energy was condemning. I didn’t want to leave and she didn’t want me to, either. We were in a lose, lose situation. Neither of us would be happy with my absence. I just prayed she could tolerate it.
“I don’t know what I’m feeling, baby. I’m just feeling.”
“I’m feeling a bunch of shit, too.”
“Three days,” she sighed.
“That’s it and then I’m back.”
“They won’t know what to do without you.”
“Shit, I’m sitting here biting my tongue, unsure of what the fuck I’ma do without them. You think they want to come?”
She deserved the break I was willing to give. It wasn’t often she was alone. So much had transpired since my arrival. I didn’t mind giving her time to think, breathe, and confront her fears.
Slowly, Glacier nodded.
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I know they will.”
“What they need? I can pack their shit and they can go with me.”
“Nothing. Everything they need is at the condo.”
“I need to drop by there, then. I’m bout to go wake their asses up. You comin’?”
“Go ahead.”
Her sadness lingered. It was heavy. It was paralyzing. It made it hard for me to move, but I did, anyway, knowing that if I stayed any longer I’d never leave. I kissed her lips one more time before heading to get the girls.
“Cheer up, Mommas.”
She buried her face in the pillow as I exited. When I returned, I was certain it would be stained with tears. This shit was harder than either of us had imagined. But, I wouldn’t complain. I would wait until she was ready. And, when she was, I’d bring her home to Berkeley where she belonged.
I’d expected to enter the bright, colorless room and find two sleeping toddlers. I was in for a pleasant surprise when Makenna rushed to her mat, placing her head on her pillow. Madelyn did the same.
“Y’all not sleep!”
Tiny laughter erupted, rocking my core. Being their father was the greatest gift.
“Okay, then, I guess you can’t go with Daddy.”
Both popped up in unison. Their hands wrapped around the bars of their cribs as they bounced up and down, chanting and waiting to be picked up. In the PJs they wore would be exactly what they traveled in.
“Daddy!”
“I go!”
“Up. Up.”
“Daddy!”
One by one, I scooped them up and sat them on the floor. I watched them run to the bathroom. Their routines were set. Glacier had done such a good job with them. Both were trained to potty when their bladders were full or their tummies ached.
After they were both cleaned up with clean hands and empty bladders, I scooped them up and we headed to tell their mother goodbye. When I entered the bedroom, I was hit with another surprise. Glacier was up and out of bed, stuffing clothes into a duffle.
“Mommas,” I called out, “What’s going on?”
A blubbering, beautiful mess, she began explaining, “I can’t breathe at the thought of spending another day without you. I’ve waited too long to watch you leave again. I don't want to sit home with you miles and miles away.
“My heart is too heavy knowing that you’re about to walk out the door. I can’t stomach your absence. I won’t. So, I’m going with you. We’re all going with you and we can figure out the rest later.
“However, wherever you are is where I want… where I need to be . I trust you. I trust you more than I trust myself. If Berkeley is where you want us, then Berkeley is where we will be, Makai. It’s where I want to be.”
“Everything will be okay, Mommas. I just need you to understand that. Everything will be fine.”
“You’re here, Makai. I know it will be.”
That was all I needed to hear. That’s all I’d been waiting to hear.
There wasn’t a need to explain further or reiterate a thing. I marched forward and placed the girls on the bed. I grabbed the bag she was struggling with, zipped it, and secured it by my side. I grabbed Madelyn and turned around so that Makenna could get on my back.
“Let’s ride.”