Chapter 24
There’sa ringing that fills your ears; it screams through your brain when you’re knocked down. When your face is on the mat, and you’re bleeding and can’t focus. For a moment, you have two senses: what you hear and pain.
I hear every word from Luca. From Zar, too. And the ringing is here, too. It’s damage from my previous fights, but this pain is new.
It’s excruciating.
Every word they say to me makes sense, and they land like punches, so I cross my arms over my body to protect myself, but my heart is beaten.
I’m still stuck on that same word—whore—the word Luca has condemned his soul for saying. And it’s odd.
It doesn’t hurt me.
No matter what he says, I know how Luca makes me feel when he says it. Revered, not reviled. Worshiped, not condemned. I feel like I’m finally found in Luca’s loving arms, and he moans with me like he’s holding his truth, his soulmate.
But what finally defeats me?
Still.
Luca leaves.
He puts on his ring and goes back to Darby’s ghost every time.
And I’m left staring at the window, at a widower, hoping he comes back to me.
“Scarlett?” I hear Luca’s voice through the high pitch in my ears. My name suddenly sounds foreign in his accent, like I don’t belong in his world—I never did.
I’m going to miss him.
I’m going to miss so much.
“Can I see her?” I ask Luca, not caring about the tears I can’t stop. “Can I please see her sometimes?”
“What?” Luca softly shakes his head. “She’s dead.”
It’s his truth. I’m not even here because, in his mind, Luca’s still married to Darby. He won’t let her go, and the pain makes my lips tremble.
“Gia,” I beg. “I don’t want her to think I abandoned her. I’ll always be here for her, so can I still see her sometimes? Please? I love her, too.”
“What?” Luca stammers. “What are you talking about?” Finally, he sees me. He hears me. He confronts the truth he can’t hide,and his face falls. “Belle…don’t.”
“You leave me no choice.”
“Why?”
“Will I ever be good enough, Luca? Good enough for you to love?”
“You are.” He chokes. “I’m not.”
I nod, hearing what he’ll never say to me.
Salty tears pool over the seam of my lips, but I don’t care. I’m still that broken-hearted girl with her chin up and fighting back.
“You know,” I confess, “I used to wonder what I did to make my dad leave. I felt guilty about all the times I misbehaved with my sisters. Or that we cost him money he didn’t have. So, I’d barely eat for days so that my sisters could, so he wouldn’t leave to go to the store. Then, I tried to be so perfect, so strong after he left, hoping that would bring him back to me…”
“Scarlett…” Luca steps toward me, but now I pull away.
This fight is over.
“But there’s a moment you realize it wasn’t your actions,” I explain, “it was you. You weren’t good enough for him to love. And?—”
Luca rushes, “That’s not?—”
But I put my hand up. “And that’s what you believe as a child. That’s your pain until you grow up and learn you can’t make someone stay. You can’t make them love you. That it’s not your fault. You know it. You just don’t feel it. Because you’re still that little girl he left waiting by a window.”
“Scarlett, please. Don’t do this. Don’t leave.” Pain brims in Luca’s eyes. I glance over, and it’s filling Zar’s, too. “Don’t do this to us.” I look back at him. “To me. To Gia. We need you. Don’t make us go through this again.”
“Then answer me…Luca.” That name. His name. I already feel his fresh scar on my heart. “Decide: will you live with me, or will you die with her?”
That pushes him over. His tear falls, but the darkness that falls down his face frightens me more.
“Never,” he strains. “I can’t, and I won’t. I lost her. I lost me. In a way, I lost my daughter, too. I never want to know the truth if Gia’s not mine, because in my soul, she is. I’m committed to my wife, to her mother, to the family we had together. And if I break my promise to her, I’ll lose all I have left.”
“You already have,” Zar answers.
Fuchsia petalsfrom the crape myrtle trees form a bright carpet over the grass. Crimson rolls around in them, making Gia laugh.
If I focus on her, I can almost fight my tears. I can almost ignore Luca, sitting alone like a dark shadow on the bench across the park.
“So, kiddo.” I’ve practiced this. I ran it by Abbey, who approved. She’s pissed at Luca, worried about him, too, but she understands. I’ll reach out to her from here on when I want to see Gia. “I have a new job.”
“But you work for Baba.” Gia sits in the grass with me.
“Well, actually, I work for Ms. Charlie. Remember her?”
“The fat one?” Gia scrunches her nose. “The one with a baby in her belly?”
“Yeah, but her baby is here. He’s a baby boy, and she needs my help. I’m going to work for her, but I’m gonna visit you all the time, okay?”
It’s not entirely true. Charlie and Daniel are fine. They have their detail. But I called Charlie and said since the threat to Luca and Gia has been contained for at least months, I was ready for a new assignment. And Charlie does need me. There’s a new series being filmed nearby with three famous brothers, a former pop trio. Their security will be a nightmare. I’m already dreading screaming teenagers.
No, I’d rather be singing The Little Mermaid with a six year-old.
“But what about Baba?” Gia pets Crimson. Dutifully, he lies down for her. “If you leave, he’ll be sad.”
I’m sad, too.
It’s been two weeks, and I’m broken beyond what I knew was possible. Telling Luca and Zar to leave that night took everything I had.
At first, Luca refused. “I won’t leave you,” he growled. “You’re mine, and you know it.”
“No,” but I stood up to him, “you were never really with me. You never gave me everything like I gave to you. I only belong to someone who’ll love me back, who’ll say it, and be proud about it, so leave.” He wouldn’t move, so I put all my pain in my words, not my fists. I screamed in his face, “Leave, Luca! I’m a whore, right? I’m not worth your love, your kiss, your touch, or your fuck, so leave! I fucking hate you for hurting me, too!”
It was the right and worst thing to say, but it worked. It punched his jaw to the side, the death blow real. Anguish and shame took his face, so he silently turned and left, slamming my door behind him.
Zar gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. He promised, “I’ll watch after him. I won’t kneel for him. I deserve more, too, but I’ll make sure he’s okay.”
“Please.” I meant it, hugging him back. And he kept hugging me until my sobs finally stopped.
I’ll always be bonded with Zar, and I didn’t want to hurt Luca. I’ll always love him, but I love myself, too, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Or, at least, maybe one day I won’t.
“Your Baba will be okay,” I assure Gia. “He loves you so much, and he may be grumpy for a while, but he’ll get better. I promise.”
I tug at the hem of her navy uniform dress. Gia only has a week of kindergarten left, and I’ve hated not driving her there.
Zar told Gia I went on a vacation with my sister when, really, I’ve been lost. I took time off. Every day, I run back and forth over that bridge. It’s five miles and designed for pedestrians to enjoy, but I don’t. I’m just trying to find peace.
“Will you be okay?” I ask Gia. I need for her to be. “I’m right here, okay?” I point to the building she can see from the front door of The Mercier. “You can ask your Aunt Abbey to call me anytime, and we can do a playdate.”
“What about Zar?”
“Zar can play with us.”
“But Baba can’t play with us?” She looks back at him, glaring our way behind sunglasses. “Is he still your friend?”
Oh fuck. Please don’t do it. Don’t cry.
I kept my piercings. They sometimes hurt as I do, but I left my collar and hair clip with the concierge last week. I made sure Luca got my message with no note—he didn’t choose me, so I’m choosing myself.
I don’t belong to him anymore.
“When your Baba ever feels like playing again,”—loving again—“he can be my friend.”
But I don’t trust it. I won’t break Gia’s heart, but I don’t trust Luca won’t always break mine.
Broken people break people.
That’s what my mom used to say.
“Will you still come to my karate classes?” she asks, and I stare, treasuring every freckle dusting Gia’s nose. She deserves someone to love her like a mom, and I feel like I am because this hurts so much.
“Of course,” I croak, fighting to keep it together. “I’m so proud of you. You just earned your yellow belt. Next is orange. You may earn it by Christmas.”
Gia nods. “I’m good!”
“You sure are!”
“Gia!” That voice booms, shaking my soul. On instinct, I turn my head and follow it.
Luca’s standing on the edge of the park, far enough away to make this worse. His hands are shoved in his faded jeans. His thin, V-neck T-shirt hangs soft on his bronze body, but his voice is harsh.
“Gia!” He shouts again. “Let’s leave.”
Leave.
He said that on purpose.
Luca could’ve used other words, but he swears by how much they hurt, and now, he’s using them to hurt me, too.
“Bye, Scarlett.” Gia jumps up, wrapping her little arms around my neck, but I don’t get up. I let the pain pin me down.
“Bye, kiddo.” That’s what my dad called me; I hear it now, so I squeeze her tight. “I’ll see you again soon. I promise. I’m not leaving you.”
She pecks my cheeks, as her dad does to all but rarely did to me, before she runs away, and I watch.
I watch a little girl grab her father’s outstretched hand before she turns back, waving goodbye to me.
But Luca?
He doesn’t look back.