8. Sawyer
SAWYER
I walked into work on Monday morning bleary-eyed and worse for wear.
My day off was a total waste. I’d only managed to get a couple of hours of sleep before my nausea kicked in.
Then I had to pull myself from bed and trudge into Gram’s room to tell her that I needed to take her up on her offer to go to the store with Harold.
Not that she minded. She was there for a solid hour before his car ever left the driveway.
By the time I was finally able to keep some food down and finish the laundry, night had fallen, and I was ready to cry myself to sleep. It seemed much more productive than sending the email I’d typed out to Beckett, composed on a whim in-between a torrent of angry tears and violent hurling.
I wasn’t sure why I did it. I was never going to send it in the first place. Maybe I wanted to make myself feel better. By getting all my rage-fueled, pity-me thoughts down on paper—or email, rather—hopefully they wouldn’t haunt me anymore.
So far, it hadn’t worked, but I hadn’t completely given up hope yet.
Duke and Olivia smiled at one another, talking quietly, as I stepped inside the bar. I was woman enough to admit I was a little jealous of what they had. They looked so content. So in love. But they fought so hard for their happily-ever-after, and no one deserved it more than they did.
But I was about to fuck it all up.
“Hey,” Olivia called, looking up from her laptop. Her smile dropped as she took in my appearance for the first time. I tried my best to cover up the dark circles under my eyes with concealer. Clearly, I had not done a great job. “Oh, Sawyer. You look—”
“Awful,” Duke finished for her. “Are you sick?”
“Didn’t sleep well,” I said sheepishly, putting my purse in the cubby. “I’m fine, though. I promise.”
Duke opened his mouth, but Olivia placed her hand on his. With pursed lips, he gave her a nod and cleared his throat. “I’m gonna head outside,” he announced. “To…work, or whatever.”
I watched as he awkwardly hurried past and out the back door. The moment he was gone, the tap of Olivia’s nails against the bartop brought my attention back to her. “Wanna sit with me?”
“Not really,” I mumbled, but went toward her anyway. I pulled out the stool next to her, sat down, and waited for her to tell me she was disappointed or worse… I was fired. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to check in with you,” she said. Her tone was soft. Understanding laced every word, making me want to break down right here and now. “See how you were feeling after the weekend.”
“Do I not look fully rested?” I tried to joke. To smile and pretend like I wasn’t absolutely dying on the inside while being put in the hot seat. It would all be so much easier that way if I could pull it off.
Olivia, though, saw right through me.
“Honestly? No, you look like shit. I didn’t think it was possible for you to look worse than you did over the weekend.” She settled back against the stool and gave me a pointed look. “Are you ready to talk about it?”
Was I ready? Absolutely the fuck not.
Was it something I needed to do? Unfortunately.
So, without overthinking it too much, I bared my soul to the only person in this world I knew wouldn’t judge me.
I told her about meeting a handsome stranger at our bar, one who not only defended my honor but also made me smile.
A man who was honest about nearly ditching me, yet was adorably afraid of heights and hard-pressed to win me the biggest stuffed animal I’d ever seen—one I had to begrudgingly leave during my escape the next morning.
And then I told her my secret. The one I never intended to tell anyone.
“I kind of, sort of, was a virgin until that night, and he…” I trailed off, unable to meet her burning gaze. “Well, we…”
“Fucked like bunnies?” she finished for me, raising a perfectly groomed brow as she carefully watched me.
I didn’t need to look in a mirror to confirm what I already knew. My cheeks flushed with heat, turning them a positively perfect shade of pink. “Kind of? It was sweeter than that, though.”
She snorted. “It was your first time. I hope he was sweet.”
Oh god, I was absolutely burning up now. “He didn’t know.”
“You didn’t tell him?”
I shrugged. “There wasn’t really a good time to be like, ‘Hey, by the way, I’ve never done this before.’ It wasn’t like I planned it. I thought it’d just be a nice date, maybe a kiss at the end of the night, and that was it. I didn’t realize—”
“You’d wind up with a little souvenir?” I glanced up, expecting to see anger or disappointment staring back at me, but Olivia wore a smile.
One that immediately had my muscles going lax.
Tears sprang to my eyes. I quickly tried to wipe them away before she saw them, but I wasn’t fast enough. “Oh, Sawyer...”
Olivia moved, hopping out of her chair and wrapping her arms around me before I could register what was happening.
I relaxed into her hold immediately, letting her floral perfume and hushed promises lull me into a false sense of security.
This was what I needed the other night. A safe place to tell my secrets, fears, and insecurities, knowing I wouldn’t be judged or reprimanded for my stupidity.
“Did you get this stranger’s name? Maybe we could find him…”
That was the only part of my story I left out.
Olivia had money and connections that I could only dream of.
If anyone could help me get in touch with Beckett without it looking like some desperate attempt to extort him for money, it was her.
I wasn’t sure what stopped me, but the idea of how that’d play out stopped me.
What if, by involving him in the knowledge of our baby’s existence, he tried to take them away from me?
Most courts sided with the mother unless there was a safety concern, but he had the money and connections to fight me.
I worked in a bar and lived in a run-down trailer park with my grandma.
His team of fancy lawyers could tear me to shreds without a second thought.
I wouldn’t stand a chance, and then what would happen?
Even if I spent most of the weekend in a blind panic over the idea of being pregnant, the thought of losing a baby I was just now realizing I wanted was even worse.
No, it was best if I handled this on my own.
I shook my head. “No. No names. We thought it’d be better that way.”
“But he was a bar patron? Have you looked at batched receipts, or—”
“We don’t keep records that far back. I checked.” It was a lie. I absolutely did not check, but I needed her to believe me. Much to my relief, it seemed like she did.
With a sigh, Olivia stepped back and rested against the bar. “Well, fuck.”
I barked a sharp laugh. “Yeah, that about sums it up.”
We lingered in silence for only a moment before Olivia hesitantly asked the question left unanswered. The one hanging between us like a goddamn elephant in the room that I was desperately trying to pretend was nothing more than a fluffy bunny.
“Well, what do you want to do about this?” Her gaze traveled down to where my arms had become wrapped around my belly at some point during our conversation. “Duke and I are here to support you however you need.”
Her confidence that everything would be okay and the unfailing support she offered were touching.
For the first time in two days, I actually believed this whole thing might work out for the best. That I could do this by myself.
Or rather, by allowing myself to accept help and guidance from those around me.
I just hoped I wasn’t making a monumental mistake.
“I’m really scared, Liv,” I admitted, my lip trembling. “I can’t do this alone, and—”
“Hey, hey, hey,” she said, taking my hands in hers and giving them a squeeze. “What did I just say? We’re here to help, no matter what that looks like. Even if you need someone to take you to get ice cream at three in the morning because it’s all you can keep down.”
Her compassion was almost too much to bear. I didn’t deserve it. Not after putting her and Duke in a position where they felt like they had to take care of me. They had their own kids to worry about. They shouldn’t have had to worry about mine on the way.
“But what about work? I’ll need time off to go to doctor’s appointments, and even more when the baby is born.
” I let out a low groan and let my head fall into my hands.
The tears were already slipping down my cheeks as I said, “I can’t afford any of this.
What right do I have to give birth to this baby when I live paycheck-to-paycheck? Maybe my own mom had the right idea.”
Liv’s eyes grew cold at the mention of my mother leaving.
I knew Duke had dealt with a similar situation before Olivia came into their lives, and it had shaken her to the core.
“I’m going to tell you something that very few people know,” she said quietly.
There was no music in the background. No sound of employees stocking or cleaning in the back room.
All I could hear was the thundering of my own heart as I waited for her to speak.
“When I found out I was pregnant with Charlie, I almost didn’t tell Grady.
We both had wanted kids, but not necessarily with each other.
I felt like I’d ruined his chance at happiness by taking that away from him.
The night we’d spent together had been a lapse of judgement.
A moment where weakness overruled sense, and left me facing the consequences.
” She tapped her fingers against the bartop, and looked away.
“It would’ve been so easy for me to drive across state lines to terminate.
I traveled for work constantly back then. ”
“What changed?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe it was the weight of the secret, or the decision itself, but I broke down and told Grady a few days later.
It was too much to decide on my own. He was brilliant, of course.
Told me he would stand by whatever decision I made, and hold my hand through it all.
That was when it clicked for me. This was my chance to be a mom.
Likely my only chance, if I was being honest with myself.
” She shrugged. “So, I took it knowing Grady and I could fall apart at any time, and that it would drastically change my life. I just didn’t realize how good of a change that would be.
My pregnancy prompted me to think beyond the here and now.
It made me consider what I really wanted from life.
While it took a little while for me to figure it out,” she gestured around, “I think it was worth the wait.”
It seemed so simple coming from her, but she existed in an entirely different tax bracket than I did.
If she wanted to, Liv could’ve hired a nanny to take care of Charlie while she went out and girlbossed her ass off.
I didn’t think I’d even be able to afford the mountain of diapers needed, let alone eventual daycare.
“Liv, I can’t afford—”
“If finances weren’t a consideration, would you want to have this baby?”
Yes. I didn’t even have to think about it. The answer came to me, clear as day. But it didn’t matter because finances were a hindrance, no matter how badly I wished they weren’t.
As though she could tell I was preparing to argue, she held up her hand to stop me from talking. “I need you to listen to me when I tell you that should you choose to have this baby, I don’t want you to worry about money.”
“But I don’t live in a world where that’s an option for me,” I said, voice breaking. “These rent spikes have nearly taken me out. Any savings I had is gone now.”
“We’ll help–”
I shook my head, knowing what she was about to offer. “Nope. No way. I can’t take money from you. Not after everything y’all have done for me.”
Liv’s eyes softened as she stared at me. It made me uncomfortable. Like she was sitting there, thinking about how much she pitied me. “Sawyer, do you consider me a friend?”
Her question took me off guard. I’d never really thought of it before.
I might’ve thought of Liv as a friend, but I considered myself an obligation.
No more than an employee that she took interest in.
I worked at Frank’s long before Olivia and Duke started working together.
When we met, she was more than kind. She always checked up on me, offered me rides when my car broke down.
Picked me up after a one night stand without question.
But somehow, calling her my friend seemed wrong.
I was almost afraid to answer. What if I said yes and she laughed? What if it was all in my head?
“I think so,” I answered honestly. “I’ve never had many friends before, which sounds a little pathetic admitting out loud.”
“Neither have I,” Olivia admitted, laughing softly.
“Friendships don’t come easy when you work as much as I did, but Sawyer…
I’m honored to consider you one of my first. And as your friend, I want to help.
No matter what that looks like. Whether that’s digging through my old storage unit for Charlie’s old baby furniture, or making sure you have enough money in your account to breathe a little.
Duke and I have been talking about raising your salary for a few months now, especially since you’ve taken on new responsibilities around here.
” Reaching out, she squeezed my knee. “But if you decide this isn’t a path for you, I’ll help you however you need.
We could take a girls trip to California. Maybe some sun would do you good.”
I understood what she was offering without her having to spell it out. Before me were two roads, and only I could decide which one to follow. There was no way of knowing which was best, but either way I had to keep moving.
Could I be a good mom? I knew all I needed to about being a shitty one thanks to my own abandonment issues.
Hell, that already made me better than my own mom.
My hand slid over my stomach. Even though it was flat now, I imagined what it would be like to feel the eventual bulge of my belly or the flutter of kicks to my ribs.
It would be hard. Of that, I had no doubt.
But some part of me didn’t want to let go.
Like Liv, this might’ve been my only chance to have a baby.
I was only in my mid-twenties, but I had no relationship prospects.
Adoption or even freezing my eggs was out of the question given how expensive both options were.
But I didn’t need either of those when I already had what I needed most.
“I don’t know if I can do this alone,” I whispered.
Liv hopped off her stool and pulled me into her arms. “Then it’s a good thing you don’t have to, isn’t it?”