21. Beckett
BECKETT
Whatever the appropriate response was to being kissed by the woman carrying your child… I’d fucked it up.
The moment Sawyer’s lips touched mine, I’d wanted nothing more than to pull her closer. I wanted to touch her body, see the imprint of my fingers against her skin. To worship her the way she deserved. The way I’d been dreaming about for six months.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. She’d been in the middle of a full-blown panic attack only seconds before, and the kiss had likely been nothing more than her body’s way of snapping her out of it.
A miscalculated risk that she’d end up regretting.
There was no way I could take advantage of her like that without knowing it was what she truly wanted, and I had no way of doing that while her pulse hammered wildly beneath my palms.
It was only after I pulled away that I noticed the twinge of hurt staring back at me. I wouldn’t say I regretted my choice not to give in, but I wasn't confident either. No matter how many times I told myself it wouldn’t have been appropriate to kiss her back, that look in her eyes would haunt me.
Saying the kiss had meant nothing was supposed to show Sawyer that we were okay. Nothing had to change between us. The thin line we’d been toeing was still firmly intact. I didn’t want her thinking that I was going to push for more than she was willing to give.
Even if it made me desperate for more.
But it hadn’t taken me long to realize my misstep. The moment she hung her head and asked me to take her to the diner, my own panic began clawing its way to the surface. She was already shutting down. The window of opportunity was closing, and it wouldn’t take long for it to be sealed entirely.
So, the moment we pulled up to the diner, I killed the ignition, walked around to the passenger side, and opened the door. She looked up at me hesitantly, her furrowed brows drawing the cutest crease between them.
“You don’t have to stay.” Sawyer’s voice was small, like it had been before. She was already retreating back into her shell. “I’m sure you’re busy.”
“I am,” I said, holding out my hand to help her out. It wasn’t necessary, but I was greedy. What if this was the last time I got to touch her like this? I didn’t want to waste the opportunity. “I’m busy taking you to lunch and getting to know the people you love.”
Sawyer’s lips parted, mouth hanging slightly ajar before she snapped it closed.
It seemed like she always assumed the worst of situations and people, likely because she’d been let down more times than she could count.
But whether we were just friends or co-parents or something else entirely, it was my mission to show her my loyalty wasn’t wavering.
Sure, I had a moment of panic regarding Sawyer and I’s living situation but that was all it was. A moment. Something I could unpack with Tate later tonight when she called. I didn’t have all the answers, but I didn’t have to right now.
When Sawyer asked about it, I’d just wanted to be honest with her about how I was feeling. The thoughts racing through my mind weren’t easily quieted unless I worked through them out loud.
But now I regretted saying anything at all. There was hardly a speck of trust staring back at me through Sawyer’s gaze. I hated that I’d given her a reason to look at me like that.
“Beckett…”
I stepped forward, gently taking her chin between my thumb and forefinger. “I’m staying, sugar. There’s no place I’d rather be than right here with you.”
Sawyer wriggled free of my grasp. “You don’t have to say those things to placate me. I’m a big girl, and I made a mistake. A big one. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was wildly inappropriate.”
“Was it?” I cocked my head to the side. “Because I didn’t think so.”
“You said it didn’t mean anything,” she said, staring down at her feet instead of looking at me. “You might as well have said we should just forget the whole thing happened.”
“I said that so you wouldn’t freak out, but clearly that was a misstep on my part.”
Sawyer huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. The movement caused the fabric of her hoodie to tighten around her waist, accentuating the bump beneath.
Sawyer had been stunning when I met her, but seeing her pregnant with our child was a different kind of beauty.
One I'd never experienced before. It had nothing to do with how much makeup she wore or the designer labels attached to her clothes.
She didn't care about that, nor did she need any of it.
“Sawyer, I’ve been panting after you since I stepped foot back into town.
At every turn, you’ve been the one to turn me down, and I get it.
Our emotions aren’t all we have to be concerned about anymore, but…
” I reached out and pulled her hand free, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“It was wrong of me to say it didn’t mean anything.
It meant everything. The only reason I didn’t kiss you back was because you were in the middle of a spiral, and I didn’t want to take advantage of you. ”
Sawyer glanced at me from the corner of her eye, jaw locked in that stubborn way I’d only seen a handful of times. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t say such stupid shit.”
I barked out a laugh, the tension leaving my body at her smart quip. My girl might’ve been as sweet as cherry pie, but there was a bite to her. A sharp-witted edge I was finding I loved to cut myself on. “Duly noted. Now, are you hungry?”
She let me help her out of the vehicle before shooting me a terribly grumpy look. “I’m pregnant. I’m always hungry.”
Placing my hand on her back, I guided her toward the diner door. “Then let’s feed you before you do something you might regret.” His lips twitched. “Like kiss your baby daddy.”
The look she sent me would’ve had a lesser man running, but I wasn’t afraid. Not about this. The only thing I was scared of now was her saying she never wanted to see me again. It would destroy me.
“Too soon,” she grumbled as I held the door open for her.
The moment we stepped inside Lucy’s, it was like being transported to a sixties diner—bright blue checkered walls, hot pink tables, sparkly red booths, and monogrammed aprons.
It reminded me of the Grease set, but much more packed.
There wasn’t a single empty table to be found.
Waitresses bustled around, taking orders and refilling drinks, as the line cooks in the back shouted out orders.
And don’t even get me started on how amazing everything smelled.
Duke, Olivia, and their girls were seated at a round corner booth.
I guided Sawyer over, keeping my hand glued to her lower back.
I could lie and say it was to keep her steady, but the truth was much simpler.
I couldn’t stop touching her. I’d always been someone who craved physical affection more than anything else.
I’d learned at an early age that words of praise meant little when they were followed by criticism and doubt.
My mother’s comforting touch after my father’s fits of anger was the only thing that could calm my nerves.
“Was worried y’all got lost,” Duke said, inspecting us closely.
Sawyer blushed. “We got caught at the light. Al’s dog got off his leash again, and they were having trouble getting hold of him.”
I wasn’t sure who Al was or what his dog had done in the past, but Duke seemed to accept her answer as truth and unclenched his jaw. “I’ve told that man a million times,” he said with a shake of his head. “He needs to tighten that thing’s collar.”
Sawyer mumbled her agreement, slipping in on the other side of Olivia. I followed after, picking up one of the menus and passing it over. “Oh, I don’t need it,” she said sheepishly. “I get the same thing every time.”
“Ah.” I took it back. “Well, maybe you could help me?”
Sawyer rolled her eyes. “It’s a menu. Do you not know how to read?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what’s good.”
Just then, an older woman came strolling up with three milkshakes and a basket of something that looked like fried batter-covered coins, but I couldn’t be sure.
Her gray hair was spun into a neat, tight bun at the top of her head.
“Most of these recipes are older than I am. Trust me. Everything’s good.
” She looked at Sawyer and smiled. “Hiya, honey. What can I get you to drink?”
“A Diet Coke, please,” Sawyer said, tucking her hands into her sleeves.
“And I’m assuming you want the regular?”
Sawyer nodded, beaming. “Yes, ma’am.”
The woman groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that? Ma’am is for old bitties, and do I look like one?” She turned to me. “What about you, hotshot? Do you know what you want?”
Hotshot? I wasn’t sure where the name came from, but I was terrified to ask. “I’ll take a Diet Coke as well.” I turned to her, giving her my best smile. “What do you recommend to newcomers?”
The woman lit up at my question. “Mama’s Burger. It’s a classic, and you can’t go wrong with a classic.”
I wouldn’t have argued with her even if she said liver and onions—though I would have a tough time convincing everyone I wasn’t hungry by the time it came. “Let’s go with that then.”
The woman nodded and grabbed the menus before dashing off to place our order.
The girls dug into their milkshakes as Olivia slid the third between her and Duke, sticking in two straws for them to share.
I should’ve looked away as their eyes met, heads lowering to take their first sip.
He whispered something in her ear that made her laugh.
Suddenly, that familiar ache was back. I found myself rubbing my chest, attempting to clear it up.
This discomfort wasn’t caused by a physical blow, but rather by seeing two people who were disgustingly, blissfully, in love.
They deserved happiness, but didn’t I? Or had I not earned that yet?
Did I need to atone for more of my father’s sins in order to see a speck of good fortune sprinkled my way?