31. Beckett
BECKETT
Out of all the ways I could die, seeing Sawyer’s very naked and very pregnant body fresh out of the bath seemed like the way to go.
Water droplets clung to her body, sliding down her neck and across the freckled skin of her chest to her swollen belly.
Nothing and no one had ever looked so good before.
It was a dream.
She was a dream.
I hadn’t known what I was walking into when I stepped foot inside my bathroom.
I called out to her from the top of the steps, and assumed she heard me when she said my name.
The moment I’d opened the door, she moaned for me to touch her, and I’d lost all sense of being.
It’d taken everything I had, every ounce of self-restraint I possessed, not to give her what she asked for.
I’d fucked my hand to the thought of touching her again nearly every night this week, but I couldn’t bring myself to go further when we were together. Her body was easy to read. I knew exactly how eager she was for us to explore each other again, but I was nervous about her blood pressure.
Sex had come with a warning to be careful. I’d done plenty of research on gestational hypertension after she was diagnosed. Everyone was different, but there was a genuine concern about the added strain on her body. I couldn’t live with myself if our own selfish desires had dire consequences.
That was all I could think about when Sawyer pleaded for more.
I knew I should talk to her about how I was feeling, but I worried she would take it as an excuse not to go there with her again.
I’d seen the way she’d stared in mirrors when she passed.
How her nose would do this little scrunch as she tried to stretch her shirt more.
She hated fabric that clung to her body, saying it made her feel more exposed than being naked ever did.
I wished she could see herself through my eyes. Maybe then she’d realize just how beautiful and perfect she was.
Seeing her in that tub, playing with those dusty nipples and grinding her legs together, had been far too much for me to take. The space was too small, shrinking by the second. I had to get out of there before I did something stupid.
Hell, maybe leaving was the stupid thing to do after all, because seeing her standing at my dresser with the towel at her feet had me cursing myself.
I ran my hand over my jaw, letting the sharp stubble grate against my skin. The pain wasn’t enough to give her the privacy she deserved, and drag my gaze away. Instead, I looked my fill, blowing out a sharp breath before muttering, “What’re you doing, Sawyer?”
She turned to look at me over her shoulder, jaw set in that stubbornly defiant way I loved. “Getting clothes,” she clipped, tilting her head to the side. “What’re you doing, Beckett?”
Her question was more of a challenge. She knew what I was doing and wanted to test me.
To see if I would break. And goddammit, I wanted to.
I wasn’t this strong. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t look away.
The warm, muted light from the lamp behind her cast a soft halo around her frame.
She was like an angel—if angels were sent to Earth to torture men like me.
“You’re killing me,” I said, voice rough with need. “God, I—”
“Please don’t say shit you don’t mean,” she said, opening the drawer and pulling out a pair of my boxers and a t-shirt. “I get that my body has changed, and I don’t look like I did before.”
My head jerked up at her words. “What? No, Sawyer. That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it?” she asked, wrapping herself up to shield her body. “Why won’t you do anything else other than kiss me, even when I literally fucking beg for more?”
I was across the room in three strides. She stepped back, and I followed until her ass hit the dresser and she had no way to escape.
“What is it?” I echoed through clenched teeth.
My eyes went lower, taking in the rise and fall of her heavy breasts, as I leaned forward and braced my hands behind her.
“I’m fucking terrified of losing you, Sawyer. ”
Sawyer blinked, drawing her brows in tightly. “What?”
Bringing my hand up, I cupped the back of her neck.
I could feel her body tremble as my thumb swept across her jaw.
“I haven’t pushed things with you because I am so goddamn scared of accidentally hurting you in some way.
Or sending you into preterm labor before our baby’s lungs have developed.
I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to either of you. ”
Her bottom lip wavered. “But the doctor—”
“I know what the doctor said. She also told us to be careful, and that is all I’ve been able to focus on over the past few weeks.
” I paused, licking my lips to buy me some time.
“Ever since you were diagnosed, I’ve had nightmares.
Terrible ones. I just keep seeing your face and you look so fucking scared.
The baby isn’t ready. You aren’t ready. But it doesn’t matter.
He has to come out now,” my voice broke.
“And then, every time, you look at me and scream for me to do something, anything, to keep our baby safe. Even if it means losing you. And how could I do that, Sawyer? How could I possibly choose one over the other? Especially when losing you would mean losing my fucking everything.”
“Baby,” she breathed, bringing her hands up to cup my face. I hadn’t realized a tear had fallen until she wiped it away. “I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with that alone. I wished I’d known.”
I shook my head. Telling her had never been my intention. She shouldn’t have to worry about me on top of everything else in her life. It would’ve been too much to burden her with. “I didn’t want to say anything because they were just dreams.”
“But they were real enough, and that’s what matters.” She pressed a kiss to my jaw, and I relished the contact. “I don’t want you to keep these things from me. Especially if they’re weighing this heavy on you.”
“I just—”
She pressed her finger to my lips. “Shh… Don’t say anything for a minute.
” Then she dragged it down my chest, grabbing my hand and placing it on her stomach.
I loved touching her like this. It grounded me when the noise in my head was too great.
Her hand covered mine as her belly twitched beneath us. “We’re okay. Everything’s okay.”
My head fell against her own as I sucked in a ragged breath. I counted the kicks, letting his movement reassure me that Sawyer was right.
They were okay. They were safe. They were here.
Some part of me was ashamed I hadn’t said anything earlier.
How long had she gone around thinking she wasn’t desirable?
God. I hated knowing that’d ever crossed her mind when it was the furthest thing from the truth.
I struggled to keep my hands to myself, fighting with every primal urge inside me not to lay her down on this bed until I made it abundantly clear how much she meant to me.
I rolled my forehead against hers, letting out a low groan. “Fuck it,” I whispered, capturing her mouth with mine. I ran my hand up, rolling her hard nipples between my fingers until she was panting at the touch.
“Beckett,” she whispered, letting her head fall back as I peppered her neck with wet kisses. “I can’t go down this road again if you aren’t willing to give me something.” Nipping her shoulder, I pulled back. Her eyes were glazed over, only a sliver of green to be found.
“Get on the bed,” I ordered, jerking my chin toward the center of the room. “I have an idea.”
Sawyer didn’t need to be told twice, slipping from my grip and perching herself at the edge of the bed as I made my way to the closet. Opening the door, I homed in on the small bag at the top and grabbed it.
I had no good reason as to why I bought the thing. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness, or keen consideration of Sawyer’s needs, but as I pulled the black wand from its sleeve, I relished the way her lips parted.
“Oh,” she breathed. Her legs drew tight as she struggled to sit still.
My fears hadn’t completely gone away. They’d likely keep me company until Sawyer’s pregnancy was over and our baby boy was safe in our arms.
But this?
This I could give her.
I grabbed the chair in the corner of the room, dragging it over until I was directly in front of her. The legs scraped against the wooden floor, but I didn’t care. Not as her eyes bled black and her hands curled into the sheets.
Tossing the wand next to her, I slowly undid the buttons of my shirt and let it fall to the ground.
Next, I worked on my belt, taking my time to slip it free from the loops.
Finally, my fingers found the button of my jeans.
I popped it open, grabbing the band of my briefs and shoving them down my legs.
There was no reason to rush when we had all night.
Hell, we could hole ourselves up in this cabin all fucking weekend if we wanted to.
Judging by the way Sawyer licked her lips at the sight of my hard cock, it was a real possibility.
She whined, squeezing her thighs together as best she could.
I took the seat in front of her and spread my thighs, giving my length one long stroke.
“Have you ever touched yourself in front of someone before?”
She might have been a virgin when we met, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t experienced in other ways. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “Never.”
Did it make me a total caveman if knowing I was the sum total of her sexual experience turned me on?
I was the only one who knew her body intimately.
The only one who knew what she tasted like or the face she made when she came.
The only one who ever heard that slight hitch of her breathing when I pushed inside for the first time.
“Grab the wand and scoot back against the headboard. Yeah, just like that,” I said, stroking myself. “Good girl. Now show me that pretty pussy.”
Sawyer blushed, but kept her eyes on me as her legs fell open.
Arousal coated her sex, making it glisten in the low light.
I wanted it on my tongue and coating my cock, but I had to be patient.
Tonight wasn’t about that. It was about testing boundaries and finding common ground until we felt comfortable with more.
“You look so beautiful, Sawyer.” My voice was little more than a whisper. “So fucking beautiful, and all mine. Isn’t that right?”
She nodded. “All yours.”
“Do you ever think of me when you touch yourself?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “That first night plays on repeat as I rub my clit. And it’s your name I cry out every single time.”
“Fuck, baby. Turn that wand on and show me. Show me how you make that perfect fucking pussy feel good.” My cock was already thick and pulsing in my grip, precum leaking from my tip.
I ran my hand up, gathering it for moisture before sliding back down.
It wouldn’t take much to make me come, not as I watched her bring the head of the wand to her exposed clit and moan.
Nothing has ever sounded sweeter. I wanted to record it. Play it until I memorized every sigh and gasp and moan. Sawyer’s eyes were trained on my hand as it moved along my length. She matched the tempo I set, both of us chasing after a long overdue release.
“How’s that feel, sugar?” I panted, slowing my movements to gather more moisture.
Her head lolled to the side, free hand cupping her breast to play with her nipples. “So good,” she moaned. “I’m not going to last long.”
“Neither am I. Don’t worry. Do what feels good. Show me what you like, baby. Show me how to make you feel good.”
My words spurred her on as she chased that high, rolling her hips before letting out a guttural cry. I squeezed the base of my cock, matching her frenzied tempo until I felt a climax barreling toward me. “I’m gonna come,” I gritted out.
“Yes, yes, yes,” she chanted, letting her eyes slip closed for the first time as I watched her orgasm hit. She snapped her legs together, trapping the wand against her clit as she rode out the waves crashing against her.
My head fell back against the chair as I frantically followed her over the edge. So good. So fucking good. Cum coated my fingers, running down and making a mess at the base of my cock. I didn’t care, not as she opened her eyes and licked her lips at the sight.
Without speaking, she turned off the wand and tossed it aside before crawling to the edge of the bed in front of me. Her gaze dipped to my hand curiously. “Can I taste?”
Goddammit, what was this woman doing to me? “You don’t have to,” I said quickly. “It’s not great.”
“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Consider me curious.” She lifted one shoulder. “There’s nothing I don’t want to try with you.”
Reaching forward, she took hold of my wrist and lifted it toward her mouth. Then, because she was surely trying to kill me, she wrapped her lips around my pointer finger and sucked. Her tongue swirled around the digit, cleaning up the remnants of my release.
My cock twitched at the thought of what it would be like to have her mouth wrapped around it instead. How good it would feel when she ran her tongue along the underside, or around my slit. It was enough to have small aftershocks of pleasure running through my body.
When she finally let go, her eyes practically glowed in the low light. She licked her lips, running her thumb along the corner to wipe away a stray drop.
Then, she licked that, too.
“Jesus christ, woman. Are you trying to kill me?” I panted. My hand was sticky with what was left of my release, but I didn’t care.
“No,” she said sweetly. “I like you too much to kill you.”
I laughed, feeling lighter than I had in days. “That’s good,” I murmured, pushing to my feet and using the towel Sawyer had left on the floor to clean myself up. “Because it would be a shame if I were alone in feeling like this.”
I grabbed a clean pair of briefs and pulled them up my legs. She watched me closely as I brought the clothes she had discarded before our argument and did the same. First, with the underwear, and then the t-shirt. “Come on,” I said, gently tugging her up. “Let’s get some sleep.”
“I think this is a first,” she mused, going sleepily.
“What is?”
She pointed to the plate on the nightstand. “You give me one orgasm, and I stop eating my feelings.”
Pulling back the covers, I helped her into bed and followed after. My arms wrapped around her waist, supporting her belly as she fell back into me and sighed. With everything outside of these four walls forgotten, I couldn’t help but acknowledge the fact that I didn’t just like Sawyer Sutton.
I was irrevocably in love with her.