41. Sawyer
SAWYER
- Get this baby out of me!
“Beckett, I’m going to have you count down from ten, okay?
Deep breaths in and out. You’ve got this.
” Dr. Adler looked at me from between my knees, which were damn near at my ears, spreading me wide for the whole room to see.
I wished she wasn’t so nice because then maybe I wouldn’t feel awful about wanting to punch her in the face. “Push on one, Sawyer.”
I knew labor would be hard, but I felt like it was massively undersold.
An epidural was not the magical cure everyone told me it would be, and the constant beeping from all the monitors was starting to stress me out.
I understood they were necessary, especially to keep an eye on both mine and the baby’s heart rate given my condition, but I wished they would stop for even a second.
How was I supposed to concentrate on pushing a human out of my vagina in these conditions?
I’d spent the past four hours lying on a bed with people constantly poking and prodding me with needles and checking my cervix for dilation.
Everyone told me how lucky I was that my body was responding so fast to the induction, but it sure as hell didn’t feel like luck.
We’d already been here for nearly eight hours, waiting for the doctor to tell us it was time.
Beckett had been my only saving grace so far. I had no clue how I would’ve done this without him. I knew he was likely panicking, but he held it all together for my own being.
When we left Dr. Adler’s office after she said she wanted to induce me early, he went into overdrive, packing go-bags and spending late nights at the house with Lukas and Duke to finish moving everything in.
It’d somehow all come together, and we were going to be able to take our son home after leaving the hospital.
The past two weeks had gone by in a blur.
None of this felt real. I wanted more time, but we didn’t have it.
“Look at me, sugar,” he whispered, from where he held my leg. I homed in on his worry-filled gaze, knowing how long he’d spent agonizing over this birth. “Squeeze when the doctor tells you, okay? I’m here. I can take it. Give me everything you’ve got.”
“You try giving birth,” I panted, wrapping my fingers around the bed railing. The first tear sprang free as I felt an oncoming contraction. “It’s like needing to take the biggest shit of your life, and it hurts.”
He winced, but never dropped my leg. “I know, I know. But you can do this.” He pushed the hair off my forehead, placing a gentle kiss on my knee. “It’ll be over soon. Just a little longer and we’ll have our baby boy.”
I fucking hoped he was right.
“Alright, Sawyer. You’ve got this. Here we go,” Dr. Adler said. “Beckett, start counting.”
“I can’t,” I cried. “I can’t do this.”
“Sawyer, you have to,” Dr. Adler warned. “Otherwise we’ll need to go with a cesarean.”
“No, no, no,” I said, letting my head loll to the side. I didn’t want that either, but I didn’t know how I could do this. I was so tired already. How did other women do this for hours on end?
Beckett looked around the room, gaze settling on another nurse as he said, “Can you take over for me? And can we adjust the bed so I can sit behind her?”
The nurses looked to me for confirmation, and I nodded my head vigorously.
I wasn’t sure if it would help, but I knew for a fact it wouldn’t hurt.
Feeling Beckett’s strong arms around me would be a welcome reprieve.
They moved fast, helping to support my weight as he slipped in behind me.
It was awkward at first, but the moment my back leaned against his chest, a feeling of comfort washed over me.
He held out his hands for me to take, interlacing our fingers and giving a gentle squeeze. “You got this, momma. Just a little bit more, okay? Then you can rest.”
Dr. Adler’s voice caught my attention. “We’re gonna try this again, okay? Five, four, three, two, one.”
This time, I pushed as hard as I could, letting Beckett’s gentle voice ground me as he whispered how proud he was, and how good I was doing. I let out a scream as the pressure crested, falling back into his chest as the contraction waned.
“I see his head,” Dr. Adler called. “He’s coming out nicely, Sawyer. You’re doing so well.”
“Hear that, sugar? Our boy’s almost here,” he murmured, tucking his chin in the crook of my neck. “Just a little bit more.”
Blowing out a breath, I nodded, readying myself as Dr. Adler counted down to the next push. I lost track of how many rounds we went, focusing instead on Beckett’s whispered words and the gentle tone of his voice coaxing me through every contraction.
Good job, momma. He’s on his way.
You’re doing so good.
I’m so proud of you.
I love you.
And then my world changed as the pressure ebbed and a piercing cry filled the delivery room.
I collapsed against Beckett’s chest, crying tears of relief as Dr. Adler’s team worked quickly to assess our son’s health.
She told us there was a possibility of his lungs being underdeveloped, but judging by the scream he let out, I’d say they were working just fine.
“Apgar of ten,” the nurse holding him said, turning to us with a smile. She walked over, holding out the tiniest bundle I’d ever seen. “Here you go, Mom and Dad. A beautiful and healthy baby boy.”
Beckett showered me in kisses between affirmations, helping to peel my gown away as Dr. Adler set our son on my chest. I blinked away tears, staring down at him as he scrunched up his little face.
His tiny hand splayed against my skin, and I felt my world shift on its axis.
The little bit of hair on his head was a peachy copper color that reminded me of my own.
“Holy shit,” Beckett breathed. “He’s perfect.”
I turned over my shoulder, meeting his gaze. It was crazy to think that we hadn’t even known each other a year, and yet I’d never felt more connected to another human in my life until I held our son. When he leaned in to kiss me, I felt every ounce of his love and affection.
I pulled away, looking down at the wiggling bundle on my chest. “Yeah, he’s pretty perfect,” I murmured in between sobs. Was it normal to cry this much after birth? Surely the tears would stop soon. They had to at some point. I couldn’t go through life crying every time I looked at him.
“Do we have a name for the birth certificate yet?” Dr. Adler asked.
Oh god. The realization we still hadn’t picked a name hit me at full force. Beckett and I had been going back and forth for weeks trying to settle on something. He kept insisting it was my choice, and he’d support me no matter what, but this felt like too important a decision to make by myself.
As if sensing my rising panic, she smiled and patted my hand. “Don’t worry, Sawyer. Y’all have time. Just focus on soaking up these little moments.”
“Thank you for everything,” Beckett said, tearing his gaze away from our baby.
“The pleasure was mine. You’re in good hands here. I’ll check on you in a bit.”
Dr. Adler walked out of the delivery room to a chorus of questions. I could just make out a few familiar voices before the door clicked shut, silencing the noise.
One of the nurses came up and peered down at the wiggling worm on my chest. “Looks like he’s hungry. Why don’t we try to feed?”
“Oh,” I said, glancing down. “Can we do that already?”
I was almost positive the question was stupid, but I asked anyway.
Blame it on the chaos of giving birth. Thankfully, she was patient with me.
“Oh yes. But don’t worry if he doesn’t eat much.
His stomach isn’t much bigger than a marble.
” She helped get him into position as he rooted around my breast. “It can take a bit for him to get used to feeding, so don’t get discouraged if he doesn’t latch right away. ”
I nodded, helping support his head while guiding my nipple toward his mouth. He cried and cried long enough for me to wonder if I could really do this when I felt an intense tug and looked down. His chin was tucked against my breast, mouth open wide as he sucked for the first time.
“There we go,” she said, stepping back to give us space. “You’re both naturals.”
The room quieted again, leaving Beckett and me to stare down at the miracle in my arms. I could only focus on the soft sound of his suckling and the occasional coo. Beckett leaned in, resting his head on my shoulder. “I know I’ve said this a million times, but I’m so damn proud of you, sugar.”
“I doubted myself there for a minute,” I confessed. “I wasn’t sure I could do it before you climbed up here.”
“No, you had it in you all along,” he said, reaching forward to place his finger in our boy’s open palm. “Isn’t that right? Your momma is so strong.”
I turned and stared at Beckett, who wore an expression of absolute awe as he stared down at our son.
It was hard to imagine a time when this wouldn’t have been a possibility.
Liv would’ve held my hand and talked me through it.
Duke would’ve sat patiently out in the waiting room, eager for news.
But even though Beckett had unwavering faith in my ability, I didn’t know if I could’ve done this without him.
Nor would I have wanted to. Going through this experience alone would’ve taken a toll on me eventually.
Thankfully, I never had to find out.
“I know we haven’t been able to decide on a name, but I think I have a suggestion,” Beckett said. “For the middle name, at least.”
I smiled. “Let’s hear it.”