25. Emily
Emily
February 2020
Adam: Truth or dare?
Me: Truth.
Adam: Have you always wanted to be a teacher?
Me: Yes.
Adam and I have been texting more and more. He does his best to cross the line, but I swiftly push him back. He’s persistent. I'll give him that.
But with the new year and me turning a year older, it makes me want to forget the line was ever there to begin with. I’ve always been one to follow every rule set for me. With violin, school, James, and now teaching; it’s made my life simple as the structure keeps my head above water.
Me: Truth or dare?
Adam: Truth.
Me: What are you thinking about?
Adam: You.
He’s so sure of what he wants. It’s me that’s terrified. My girl's words ring in my head anytime he and I are talking. I’ve never been one for casual. It’s just not how I’m built.
My phone rings, pulling me out of my freakout. Adam. I answer it in the middle of the third ring. “Hey.”
“I freaked you out, didn’t I?”
I look out over the water, mulling over my words. “Maybe. Yeah.”
“Question before I get to anything else. Why aren’t you teaching today?”
“Oh, I always take the day off for my birthday.”
I always felt one’s birthday should be a personal holiday. So for as long as I was working, and I had the days, I took the day off. While the past birthdays have been a little bittersweet, they’ve been a day for me.
“Happy Birthday, Emily,” Adam responds softly.
“Thank you.”
“So what are your plans for your day?”
I do my best to keep my voice from cracking. “I’m not sure yet. I haven’t really loved celebrating my birthday these past couple of years.”
“And why is that?” I don’t detect any distaste in his question, just genuine curiosity.
“James, he loved birthdays. He would go all out for those he loved. But for me, he went to the moon.” I think back to my eighteenth birthday, walking into my room stuffed with balloons and pictures of us. “When he died, I never thought about my birthday until the day came. The first birthday after he passed, I had the day off and spent the whole day crying. I could turn a year older but he was stuck at twenty-six forever.”
Time is never your friend when you want it to be. It laughs in your face when you want it to slow down. It laughs in your face when you want it to speed up. Time is your enemy when you expect it to be your friend.
“Do you ever think you’ll ever love again?” Adam asks me.
It’s not an unfair question. I often wonder if I could love so easily before then what’s stopping me from doing so now? And it always comes back to fear.
“I want to,” my voice comes out in a whisper when the tears threaten to fall. “But I’m scared I’ll never have that again. The knowledge that the person you want wants you back. The knowledge that the love you share is unconditional. I’m scared that I’ll never experience the rush that comes with love.”
He clears his throat. “I think you’ll feel it again.”
“I’m scared of feeling it with someone new. And knowing that person is one I can’t have takes me right back to the starting line.”
Am I talking about James or Adam? At this point, I don’t know. Before James died, I never thought I’d have to be without him. Not just in the physical sense but in the emotional sense as well. The days go by and they turn into years. Every moment takes me away from him. From the life we shared. From the life we were creating.
The other side of the phone is quiet and I pull it away from my ear to see we’re still connected.
I break the silence, “Did I scare you?”
“No, Emily. You didn’t scare me. I want you to be comfortable sharing the uncomfortable with me. Can I…can I see you today?”
“Adam…I’m still your son's teacher. And as much as I want to explore whatever this could be with you, I have to think about my career. For the first time in my life I have to put myself first.”
He’s quiet on the other end. I don’t want to reject him. It twists something inside of me to do so. He’s the first man to make me want more after James.
“Are you this hard on all of your friends?” His question comes out teasing, although I detect a little bit of hurt from my saying no.
I pick at a piece of lint on the blanket that’s covering my legs. “You and I both know friendship is the last thing we’d want.”
“Well, Ms. Bailey, I guess this leaves us at an impasse.”
“I guess it does.” I think of what to say that won’t leave either of us in limbo. So I try to settle for the next best thing, “Friends?”
“For now. Happy birthday, Emily.” Adams tells me.
“Thank you. Goodbye, Adam.”
“Bye.”
“You said, friends!? Friends!? I thought you wanted to wipe your hand across that line you drew?” Sarah is baffled after I tell them about my and Adam’s conversation on my birthday. We’re doing a girl’s night at Kamryn’s house since none of us felt like being around other people. Plus with Mason on a guy’s trip, Kamryn begged us to come to her house. Movie number three of our romantic comedy marathon is on in the background. It’s provided great sound and sight relief when needed.
It’s been a few weeks since then and I can’t stop thinking about that day and Adam. We still text daily, but I know he’s holding back because I made him.
“I got scared. He was saying all of the right things, but then I got scared.”
“Em, and that’s normal. What Sarah is trying and failing to say is that you’ve been on the cusp of wanting more with someone for the first time since James. And while it’s normal to be scared, you can’t run from something when it’s right in front of you.” Kam’s eyes roam over my face. I think she’s looking for something that’s not there. It must be the almost-psychologist in her. And when she doesn’t find it, she continues. “I know it might seem fast for you, but could you see Adam by your side in the near future?”
“I feel like I’m abandoning James if I say yes.” The admission hits harder than I expected it to.
Sarah gets up and sits on the coffee table in front of me, taking my hand in hers. “No one is saying you’re abandoning him, little bird. James is always going to be with you. And if Adam is the man that he’s presenting to you, then he’ll never let you forget him either. You deserve so much more happiness than you’re letting yourself have.”
Happiness is a feeling I didn’t know I could feel. Sure I’ve felt lighter in the sense that the grief I feel daily isn’t so heavy anymore. But happiness? That’s a feeling I long thought I could never feel.
I give the girls a grateful smile and they go back to chatting while I pull out my phone to text Adam.
Me: Hey.
Adam: Hey, yourself.
Me: Is this a bad time?
Adam: Not at all. I’m just watching one of the live bands we have tonight.
Adam: How are you?
Me: I’m good. I was doing some thinking.
Adam: Good or bad thinking?
I pull my attention off my phone and see the girls staring at me. My eyebrows raise in a ‘ Yes? ’ before they turn back to their conversation. But not before I see the smirks they throw at each other.
Me: Good thinking. About how lines should be wiped away.
I see the text bubbles pop up and disappear over and over before his response comes through.
Adam: Are you sure?
Me: Positive. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared.
Adam: I promise to chase the doubt away.
His words light me up on the inside because it’s what I needed to hear to know that I’m making the right choice.
Me: Do you want some company at work?
Adam: I’ll be here until way after midnight.
Me: It’s spring break, so I have nothing but time.
Adam: Okay. Well, I’ll see you soon then.
Me: See you soon.
I tune back into the conversation and wait for the right time to announce I’m leaving. As excited as I am to see Adam, the nerves are coming in full force. Do I rush out of here? Do I take my time? Do I go home to change? Do I show up in what I’m wearing? Is this what it’s like to have a crush as an adult?
It’s terrifying.
“Why do you look so scared, Em?” Jax asks.
I feel my face flame with a blush. “I texted Adam and I’m thinking of meeting him at his restaurant.”
“What!? And you’re still here?” Sarah’s blasphemous expression would be comical if she weren't 100% serious. And in the years that I’ve gotten to know Sarah, she never says things she’s unsure of. She hits me with a throw pillow. “Get your cute butt off this couch and go hang out with him.”
“I’m with Sarah on this,” Kam voices along with Jax.
It takes very little convincing to get me off the couch. And without protest from them, I slide my boots back on and head to my car to leave.
“I need you to tell me it’s not a bad idea,” I say when the phone connects.
“Hello to you too, Em.” Brandon greets.
I let out a huff of frustration. “Brandon, this is serious.”
I hear murmuring on the other end and then a door closing. “I take it this is about the new guy?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“This is a great idea. And I’m not saying that because I’m a guy. But as James’s brother, you deserve happiness again.”
The streets give way, signaling I’m closer to Monty’s. “Do you think he would approve? James, I mean.”
“Well, obviously I haven’t met him, but if he’s making you question right or wrong then I think James would approve. Who knows? Maybe he even set it up so you two would meet.”
I have thought about that. Because what were the odds that he was working the night I showed up? I know he said his assistant went into early labor. But still. This could have James written all over it.
“Yeah, maybe. Did I interrupt something?” I ask because I heard a door close earlier.
He chuckles on the other end. “Now you’re concerned about being a cockblocker?”
“Ew. Please don’t ever say any word with ‘cock’ in it. I still consider you my brother.” I fight a shudder as I get closer to Monty’s.
“I was planning to get it wet tonight…”
“Oh my god! Good night, Brandon.”
“Good night, Emily,” he sing-songs through his laughter.
Shaking off the end of that conversation, I find a parking spot in the parking garage. I take a deep breath and get out of my car.