Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ren was singing.
There had been a lot of singing in the café lately, and Allie hoped they weren’t scaring off any customers. Today, it was a heartfelt and dramatic rendition of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”
Ren gestured theatrically to Allie as they sang, throwing their arms apart and then moving one hand over their heart.
“You are loopy.” Allie laughed, stooping to unload a tray of steaming dishes from the dishwasher. She’d told Ren a week ago that she’d agreed to take over the café. Ever since then, her normally cool coworker had turned into a gyrating joy machine.
“I’m just happy!” Ren countered, retrieving a tray of mugs to bring out to the front. “My job is safe. My girlfriend is a hot, horny genius. My outfit looks great. It’s almost Christmas. Everything’s coming up Ren!”
Allie shook her head but couldn’t hide her smile. Ren’s reaction had so far been one of the best things about her decision to take over. Seeing them so happy and secure just confirmed her decision.
“But you didn’t tell anyone yet, right? Even Anisha?” Allie’s voice was firm.
“On my honor, I did not!” Ren said. “It’s been hard. But every time I feel like talking about it, I just make out with her instead. It’s working pretty well, I gotta say.”
“Because she’s a hot, horny genius?”
“You got it!” Unaffected by Allie’s mockery, Ren moved smoothly back out to the front, holding the tray of mugs on one hand and singing, as though they were a waiter in a musical review.
A moment later, Ren popped their head back into the kitchen. “Ryan’s here.”
“He is?” Allie’s voice was higher than usual.
Ren regarded her with a squint of suspicion. “Yeah. Are you…surprised? You folks are still boning, right?”
“Uh.” Allie laced her fingers together and twisted her hands. “No, we decided we’re better off as friends.” Her words sounded unconvincing, even to her.
“Oh boy.” Ren shook their head. “I do not want to be in the middle of whatever is going on there. Come out and talk to him yourself.”
“Excuse me?” she shouted after Ren as she bent to unload more dishes. “What if Mindy and I hadn’t wanted to be in the middle of whatever was going on when that very pretty lady named Alice cried all over Mindy and then me and then Mindy again while you hid in the bathroom for an hour and a half? Huh, Ren?”
“Hey, Jetski!”
Allie’s body snapped back up into a standing posture.
He was smiling wide, looking like his normal self, no trace of the awkward, confusing Ryan from the day after the party. Her heart leaped. She forced herself to stay calm.
“Hey.”
Still handsome. He was wearing his winter jacket, the tan chore coat that Allie thought particularly suited him, with a bright-red beanie. And now that she knew how good he was in bed, it was hard to be in the same room with him without wanting to grab him and drag him up to her apartment.
“I have good news.” He slid his large frame into the kitchen and kept his back against the wall.
As far away from me as he can get.
Allie sighed, still working hard to act normal. “Yeah? What kind of good news?”
“So, our podcast is hosting a night at the Brooklyn Arts Fest. They’re calling it Mixtape Universe Live . It’s going to be, like, a bunch of musicians playing one song each, and I got you on the gig.”
“You…what?”
“I got you on the gig!”
“Like…to cater it?”
“No!” Ryan tilted his head and looked at her. “To play.”
“Ryan.” Allie furrowed her brow. “I can’t play at a festival.”
“Why not?”
“I have written exactly one half of a song in the last ten years. No one even knows who I am. I’ve never played live without a band.”
“That’s the beauty of this exact situation!” Ryan was buoyant. “You only need to play one song. Everyone is playing one song. Like a live mixtape. Get it? And there are so many artists of varying degrees of fame, no one will blink about an emerging artist like you, especially if we introduce you as from the seminal underground punk band the Jetskis .”
“Ryan, I—”
“And you won’t have to do it alone. I’ll play with you.”
“You?”
“I’ve gotten really good on the drums. I mean, I can handle criticism, but I think I’m capable of holding it down for one song that we play together. It’s gonna be great!”
Allie stared at him. What was going on in that big, ridiculous head of his?
She rubbed her eyes with her fists, hoping that when she put her hands down and looked again, he would have vanished and she would not have to deal with this situation. It didn’t work. Ryan’s Labrador retriever expression was still there, looking at her expectantly. She felt her insides twist with frustration.
“Ryan, I’m not playing your show!”
“What? Why not!” He tilted his head more dramatically.
“Because I’m not this person!”
“What person?”
“This person who just takes chances and tries new stuff and plays a fucking show when she’s been irrelevant for a decade! And…has casual sex. I am not that kind of person!”
“Allie—”
“No! Listen to me! This is all on your terms! You added me to your—I don’t know— harem ? Of random ladies you’ve slept with and it didn’t mean anything to you, and now you’re pushing this gig on me because you think it would be cool or whatever, and you’re not thinking about me. I don’t want this. I don’t want hookups and random, unpredictable performances. That’s you. It’s not me. Stop pushing your shit onto me and cramming me into some hole in your life that needs filling. It’s hurting my feelings. ”
She gasped for air after the words were out.
Ryan was staring at her. His eyes were wet. She felt a twinge of regret but tried to shake it off.
Don’t feel bad for telling the truth.
But she did feel bad. She hated fights.
“I—” Ryan raked his hand through his tidy hair. “I must have really messed this up.”
He looked at Allie as if he was waiting for her to respond. She stayed silent. He exhaled, looking at the floor. “Well, first of all, that sex wasn’t, uh, casual for me. It wasn’t a random hookup. It made me, like, ludicrously happy that you even wanted that kind of relationship with me. When I woke up with you, I wanted to wake up with you all the time.”
Allie felt a lump in her throat. Her eyes burned. She forced the words out. “But then why did you say you just wanted to be friends? Why did you say it was a mistake?”
“I thought that’s what you wanted me to say. I thought you wanted an out.”
Allie rolled her eyes, anger welling up. “That’s bullshit! You said it before I even had a chance to talk!”
“But you agreed! You agreed, like, right away !” Ryan held up one hand helplessly.
“What was I supposed to say? You just decided in the light of day that you didn’t feel strongly enough about me for us to have a relationship.”
“That’s not true!” For the first time in the conversation, he took a step toward her. “That’s the furthest thing from the truth. I’ve liked you all along. I’ve been into you since—” He looked off to one side, took a deep breath and looked back at her. “Since the first time we met.”
“If that’s actually true, then seriously, what’s your problem , Ryan?” The words came out with more poison than she intended. His face crumpled, and she felt a whoosh of sadness.
“Well, since you asked.” He stared right into her eyes. “My problem is, I feel like this big, weird monster who scares everyone off and doesn’t even have a family who wants him around and is just mostly lonely all the time. I feel like most people I have been close to have just…never been able to love me.”
Allie tried to temper the harshness in her voice. “What about your sister, Ryan?”
“My sister?”
“Yes!” She threw her hands up in the air. “Weeks ago, you said you’d think about writing her a letter. Have you?”
Ryan looked at the floor. “No.”
“Well, maybe you should stop pressuring me to face up to complicated people from my past and start facing up to yours. We’re never going to find Jessi. It’s just dead end after dead end. At least with your sister, you know where she is. At least you could try !”
Ryan looked back up at her, not even trying to conceal the tears that were running down his face. He looked helpless, miserable.
Allie’s anger deflated. “Oh.” She stepped toward him. He backed away.
“I know I screwed up. I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. You deserve better,” Ryan mumbled as he turned to leave the kitchen.
She could not handle this. She’d been wrong to think she could.
Well, that’s it. Everything you were afraid of has happened. You’ve lost him.
When she heard the bell ring as the front door closed behind him, she leaned back against the wall by the office and slid to the floor, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Ren appeared immediately. They sat down beside Allie.
“Well, that didn’t seem to go well.”
“You heard?”
“Do you want me to pretend I didn’t?”
“I guess not.” Allie dropped her face down into her hands and groaned.
Ren put their arm around Allie’s shoulders. “I’m sorry. I was rooting for you two.”
“Why did I have to start a fucking fight? If none of this had happened, then we’d just be discussing all that new shit that Ayla told me about Jessi.”
“Yeah, but you’d still be pining for him, even behind all that friendship. Friendships have an expiry date when what you really want is to take each other’s clothes off.”
Allie laughed miserably. “That’s kind of what George said.”
Ren considered this information. “I wouldn’t have thought the old guy had it in him, but good work, George. Walking around picturing various ladies at the seniors’ center without their bloomers on.”
Allie laughed more authentically at that one. “You’re impossible.”
“Impossible not to love, you mean?” They rolled their head to one side, meeting Allie’s eyes and grinning.
“Okay, sure.” Allie smiled back. “Impossible not to love.”
Ren stood and held their hands out to Allie, who allowed herself to be helped to her feet.
Allie opened the door to the staircase. “If you’re okay without me, I’m going to go upstairs for a bit.”
“To wallow?”
Allie considered lying but knew that Ren wouldn’t buy it. “Yeah. To wallow.”
“Only a few hours of wallowing, and then you need to do something else.”
“I’m not sure when you became an expert on self-care, but fine. I will limit my wallowing, if possible.”
Allie wasn’t sure that it would be possible.