Chapter 30
“He told you he’s fallen for you?” Clara’s voice is soft. It’s the middle of the night where she is, but she still manages to make her voice soft. For me. She reminds me of Mom. I cry harder, placing a hand over my mouth so she won’t hear my sobbing. “Juju?”
“Mm,” I whisper.
“Are you crying?”
I shake my head. “No.”
She sighs. “Did he tell you he had fallen for you?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
She swallows, shifting her position. “And what did you tell him?”
More tears flood my eyes. I’m so confused. He has fallen for me? He likes me? For real? Like, really likes me? How . . . ?
“What did you tell him?” Clara asks again, not a trace of impatience in her voice.
I take a deep breath. “Nothing.”
“You told him nothing?”
“I didn’t get the chance to say anything before he stormed off.”
“What would you have liked to say to him?”
I stare into the darkness of my bedroom. I’m sitting on the floor, my back leaning against the bed. Cactus’s head in my lap. “I don’t know,” I whisper. “I . . .”
“Do you like him, Juju?”
My heart skips a beat, and I must bite down on my lower lip hard to stop it from quivering.
Fuck. The answer to that question is so simple I want to laugh.
Yes. Of course I like him. Of course. How could I not?
He’s the most amazing person I have ever met.
But he’s here and I . . . will not be. My heart twists, and I lose my breath.
“Does he make you laugh?”
A pause. “Yes,” I whisper.
Clara hums, and it sounds like she sits up. Then she sighs again. “June. I’ve missed your laugh.”
I wipe my nose on the hem of Dad’s sweatshirt. “What do you mean?” It’s impossible to hide my crying now.
“You’ve been . . .” She brushes out a breath.
“I’ve always loved your laugh—it’s the best sound I know.
Sometimes when I’m in a bad mood, I picture you laughing, and it always makes me feel better.
But the last couple of years, your laugh has somehow sounded .
. . different. And I thought it was temporary.
I know you work a lot. But your laugh never came back, until you got to Pearlband Beach.
And I couldn’t believe it was true. My favorite sound was back.
And it was even better than before.” She pauses, like she’s weighing her words carefully.
“You’ve seemed happy in Pearlband Beach, Juju.
You’re messy again. You’re still flawless, but you look like you did before.
Before New York. You look softer. Relaxed.
And I love messy June. And you sound passionate again.
You talk about Viv’s, and I can hear the fire in you.
You never sound like that when you talk about your job in New York.
Or when you talk about your life there.”
It’s like being burned, and for a moment, I quit crying.
My little sister has missed my laugh? Have I made her unhappy?
Worried? But I have been laughing. Sure, I have.
Benjamin’s face appears in front of my eyes, and something squeezes my heart.
It hurts. I’ve been laughing with him. A lot.
I think of all the moments we’ve shared together.
Of all the times he’s made me laugh, both involuntarily and on purpose.
“Pearlband Beach is not New York,” I mumble quietly, like it’s the answer to everything.
“What’s so bad about being happy in Pearlband Beach, Juju?”
“My life is in New York, everything I’ve worked for . . .” I whisper, but my words sound hollow. I’ve said them so many times they’ve lost their meaning. Or maybe they’ve never had any. Maybe they’re just empty words . . . “I don’t belong here.”
Clara doesn’t respond right away, but when she finally does, I can hear the sad smile in her voice as clearly as if she were right in front of me. “Or maybe you do. You just don’t realize it.”