Chapter 42 Winnie
WINNIE
The next morning, I wake up cocooned in Jonah’s arms, warm and content. I roll over and look at him, his eyes still closed, hair mussed from sleep, one arm hanging heavy over me.
He’s so beautiful like this.
It takes me a moment to realize that this is the last time I’m ever going to see him this way, but when I do, something fractures sharply in my chest. I don’t want to leave him. But I don’t want my parents to come after him even more. I have no other choice.
Last night, after Jonah had fallen asleep, I stayed up and thought it all through.
I considered telling him about it all—but I know what will happen if I do that.
He’ll sacrifice himself for me. He’ll be ripped apart online by my parents and the fragile dream he had of releasing music will die.
No one will care about his voice or his songwriting or his talent.
All they’ll pay attention to are the lies.
He’ll sacrifice himself to save me—to protect me—and I can’t let him do that. He’s already done so much for me, he’s already given so much.
It’s time now for me to give. For me to protect.
Jonah wakes up a few minutes later, and like a coward, I pretend to still be asleep. He gets out of bed and pads across the room. In the kitchen, I hear him turn on the coffee grinder and open the fridge—sounds I’ve grown used to. Sounds I now love.
By the time he returns, steaming mug in hand, I’m brave enough to open my eyes and look at him again
“Hey,” he says, reaching down and pushing a lock of my hair off of my face. “How are you feeling?”
My heart leaps for a moment. How does he know? But then I realize that he must be asking because we got back late last night, and I had a few more drinks than normal after our set was over.
“A little queasy.” It’s not a lie. I’ve been nauseous since I saw my mom and dad last night. “I’m going to stay in bed a while longer.”
“I wish I could join you.” He takes a sip of his coffee and groans. “I promised my dad we could go to the lumber yard today. He’s got a few projects he wants to get started on over the holidays.”
Right. Christmas is only two weeks away. I was really looking forward to spending it with him and his parents, but now I guess I’ll be in Birmingham for it. I hide my frown with a yawn.
“That’s nice,” I say blandly.
Jonah starts getting dressed for the day, and far too quickly, he’s ready and about to leave.
“When will you be back?”
“By late afternoon. It’s a bit of a drive.” He smiles at me and leans down to kiss me on the cheek. “I’ll see you for dinner tonight.”
I nod, unable to get myself to verbally lie to him. But I can’t resist sitting up and tugging him towards me. I kiss him deeply, trying to infuse it with everything I feel for him.
“You’re making it really difficult to leave, Win,” he growls. He kisses me again, his lips parting mine for an instant, and then he pulls away. “But if I bail on my dad, he’ll never let me hear the end of it.”
“That’s okay.” I stroke his hair back from his forehead. It’s another one of the things I love about him, how good of a son he is. How dedicated he is to those he cares about. “Have a good time, and say hi to your parents for me.”
I know that his parents will likely hate me after what I’m about to do. I didn’t expect that part of this to hurt so much. I didn’t expect that I’d start to love Jonah’s family as well. Meg is going to be so disappointed in me.
Jonah leaves the room and after a few minutes, I hear him start the Jeep and pull out of the driveway. As soon as he’s gone, I fling the covers off and leap out of bed. I have a lot to do.
I start by telephoning every taxi company in Bozeman until I find one that is available to come here and pick me up in a few hours.
It’s going to cost me an arm and a leg, but it will be worth it.
I can’t ask Candice or anyone else to drive me because they’ll just try and talk me out of this.
I know that leaving without saying goodbye is going to hurt everyone at the rescue, and Candice especially. But I can’t risk it.
I just hope that they’ll forgive me eventually.
Jonah, too. And Rosie. I won’t be able to say goodbye to the horse that was quickly becoming mine, and it makes my heart ache.
We’d come so far together—from anxious, nervous messes to being able to stand firm and tall on our own.
I was supposed to have more lessons on her this week.
I had plans to learn how to trot and canter, to trail ride, and possibly try out some barrel racing.
I rub my face, and try to swallow down the tears that rise to the surface. But for once, I fail at pretending everything is okay. I fail at pushing down my emotions and smiling. And I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m all alone. There’s no one here I need to pretend to be happy or strong for.
So as I pack my bags, I let myself cry. I cry for the woman I’ve become over these last few months.
I’m prouder of her than I thought was possible.
I came to Star Mountain broken and unsure of who I was, and the weeks and months here healed me.
Jonah was a large part of it but it was also Candice and Jenny and everyone else at the barn. The horses. The town.
I also cry for Jonah. For the heartbreak I’ll be leaving him with. For the love I have to leave behind.
And I cry out of fear too. Fear of going back to my parents’ house.
Fear of what they’re going to want me to do now that they have me back.
I have no plans of staying forever. I’ll keep the rest of my trust fund safe from them, and won’t let them access it no matter how much they pressure me.
I’ll get out when I can. Even if it’s years in the future.
They’ll forget about Jonah eventually, I tell myself.
I finish zipping up my suitcases, which barely close. I get dressed, wearing jeans and my pink boots—a small sign of rebellion against my mother. One that she’s sure to take exception to but I can’t get myself to care. I need to do this with a bit of myself intact.
Then, I sit down at the kitchen table with a sheet of paper and a pen. With shaking hands, I write Jonah a letter, and pray that it will be enough.