1. Chapter 1 #2
They’ve been good friends to me, looking out for me despite my attempts to slip under the radar as of late, and I appreciate it. I do. I can see that they care. But it makes me feel like crap because I’m still lying to them.
They know I’ve been having money troubles ever since I started paying for my mom’s palliative care.
And they saw me hit rock bottom: getting evicted, living off the complimentary snacks from the break room, and making bad decision after bad decision in an attempt to fix my life.
They saw me floundering, and they stepped in.
But what I told Alex is true. I’m not on a downward trajectory anymore.
I’ve been staying with Dixon rent-free, even though it scrapes at my dignity to do so.
Niko helped me reorganize my finances so I can be smart about how I’m paying off debt.
And Alex has been my relentless cheerleader, coaxing me on with peppy zeal.
I’m lucky to have them, I know that. But I’m still keeping secrets—like the truth about my past—and I’m afraid of what will happen if I come clean. Will I lose these men?
I wish I would have been honest about myself from the get-go.
If I could go back—if I’d known how much I’d come to appreciate this place and these people four years ago when I first accepted a job in the adult entertainment industry—I’d do things differently.
I’d have trusted them from the start because now, I know I could have.
But I can’t change my past choices, and the lying and the hiding is slowly eating at me. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it up. But do I have a choice?
“I know you’re fine,” Alex reiterates. “But I still care about you, so you’re going to have to suck it the hell up and let me mother hen.”
“Yes, Mommy,” I quip, tugging on my shirt swiftly enough to displace my prior thoughts.
Alex grins. “I’d make a great Daddy.”
“Really?” I ask, looking over at my five-foot-nothing waif of a friend. “You wouldn’t rather be someone’s boy?”
Alex narrows his gaze my way and clicks his tongue. “Watch it, Curly. I’m not afraid to spank you.”
I laugh, but when I think about it, I wouldn’t mind having someone to take care of me.
Not as a boy, exactly, but it’d be nice to have fewer worries.
Less weight on my shoulders. A knight to swoop in and pull me atop his great, white steed, holding me tight as we outran my troubles.
Doesn’t everyone wish for that just a little? Someone to sweep us off our feet?
Too bad fairytales are just like porn. Not real.
I tug my pants on. “No punishments today, thank you. Trevor’s cock was enough.”
Alex hums happily. “That beast is a reward, not a punishment.”
“If you say so.”
Many of us here treat sex as the job, but Alex enjoys it on a whole other level.
And Trevor, who just so happens to have one massive dick, exceeding Elite 8’s reputation for eight-inchers, is one of his favorite partners to work with.
I, on the other hand, prefer my poundings not to leave me sitting gingerly for the rest of the day.
“Are you heading home?” Alex asks once I close my locker.
“To Dixon’s,” I correct him.
He does that soft look again. “Still home.”
I shrug. “I’ll see you in a couple days.” I’m not scheduled for another scene until Friday.
Alex hops in close and gives me a tight hug before stepping back. “Take it easy, Mal.”
I’m not exactly sure how to take it easy, but nevertheless, I nod before walking off. When I get to Dixon’s, it’s easy to hear that he and Niko are occupied in his bedroom, so I grab my headphones and plop onto the couch, keeping myself busy by scouring my new requests.
Since Jerome is already giving me as much time on set as he can, I’ve had to supplement my income in other ways—my side hustles, as I think of them.
Genevieve, my second employer, only calls when she has a job for me, and since I haven’t heard from her in a week, that leaves me with my webcam for the night.
I don’t show my face in my videos; I can’t.
It’s in the contract I signed for Jerome that I’m not allowed to perform for any competing sites while I’m employed at Elite 8 Studios.
Technically, I’m in breach of that contract—a fireable offense.
But I keep my face out of the frame for my private shows, so it’d be almost impossible for Jerome to catch me.
Dixon is the only person I’ve told about my arrangement with Genevieve—and he promised he wouldn’t tell Jerome—but even he doesn’t know about the camming. Yet another way I’m keeping secrets from my friends.
I grimace as I look through one particular request that involves my toes. Twenty bucks isn’t enough to have me doing that. But there is an offer for a couple hundred dollars for a private half hour. That’s worth it. I message the guy back, setting up a time later to jerk off for him.
I barely hear it when Dixon approaches, but luckily, I’m able to snap my laptop closed before he has a chance to see what’s onscreen.
“Hey, Mal,” he greets me when I remove my headphones.
“Have fun?” I ask, smirking when Niko comes sauntering down the hall, his long, brown hair a rat’s nest around his face.
Niko ticks up his chin, walking past to grab water from the kitchen.
Dixon simply chuckles. “Niki and I are going to order Thai. What do you want?”
“I’ll just make something later,” I reply, not about to spend money I can’t afford and unwilling to ask Dixon for more than he’s already given me, which is plenty.
Dixon sees right through me, though, leveling me with a glare. “I’m buying whether or not you want me to, Mal. So you might as well tell me your order, or I’m getting you shrimp and watching you eat every goddamn piece.”
I shudder. “God, no. Fine . The green curry with tofu.”
“And the papaya salad?” he checks.
“Yes, thank you,” I mumble.
“Was that so hard?” he asks, joining Niko in the kitchen. The two lean into one another’s space, grinning like lovesick fools.
Yes , I think to myself. That was hard.
I hate this. Being indebted to other people, feeling like I can’t keep myself afloat in life. I’m working three jobs, and it’s still barely enough. I don’t know what it’ll take to turn things around, but I’m desperate to find a solution.
And, maybe one day, I’ll be able to find that . Someone to look at me the same way Niko stares at Dixon. Someone whose face melts when I’m near, like how Dixon’s does every time Niko is around.
But it’s not going to happen anytime soon. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a boyfriend.
And no one, not even a knight, deserves to be saddled with a hot mess like me.