39. 39
39
M alice sat on the sofa, one arm around Bonnie and his gaze on the TV, but the sitcom she’d found to watch couldn’t seem to hold his attention. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the show, he’d loved it when he’d first seen in years before, but it wasn’t grabbing his attention tonight like it used to Probably because of everything that had happened today. He wanted to get up, to do something physical, even if it didn’t need to be done. Chopping wood sounded like an amazing idea.
Except that it was dark. And Bonnie had asked him to watch with her, she leaned into him, seeming to enjoy that he’d wrapped an arm around her.
Other than the bath turned shower, and getting dressed, she hadn’t been far from him since he’d carried her out of that basement. When the EMT had insisted she go to the emergency room, she’d refused unless Malice could go with them. He’d talked to Talon about shuffling the vehicles, and he didn’t know all the details, but they’d gotten Lurch’s truck back to the ranch. Steele had come into the ER while Bonnie had been giving her statement to the police to give him the keys to the truck they’d moved over from the hotel so the two of them could get home when they were done. When they’d left the hospital, instead of sitting on the passenger seat, like normal, she’d slid over to the middle and sat right beside him, close enough their arms brushed as he drove.
He’d liked the reassurance of having her close so he hadn’t said anything and wouldn’t for a while. Maybe if she was still like this in a couple of days, then he’d insist on talking about it.
Malice didn’t know how much time had passed when the noise from the TV stopped, drawing his attention. He looked down to find Bonnie with the remote in her hand, thumb on the pause button.
“Something wrong?” he asked, thinking she probably needed to use the restroom.
She took a deep breath and let it out in a rush. “I guess now that this is all over, I should move back into my apartment.”
“You don’t have a car yet. We need to look at getting you a car so you can get back and forth to work first.”
He hated the thought of her going back to her apartment, especially without him. Not that he wanted to be anywhere but here on the ranch, even though working a ranch again was not somewhere he’d ever seen himself again, he did love his new brothers. Still, if she wanted to go back to her place, he could manage the commute, if that’s what she wanted.
What if now that she was safe, she wanted nothing more to do with him? He searched her face, looking for some sign of what she was thinking, what she might be wanting.
She tilted her head and watched him for several seconds before looking away. “I don’t want to impose. I should go back to my place and go on with my life. I can call my dad and ask him to help me get another car.”
Malice swallowed the growl that threatened to escape from his throat. He didn’t want her going home and he didn’t want her asking her dad for help.
“I’m sure we can find you something without bothering your dad. But back to the first part of that. You don’t want to impose?” His arm tightened around her, and he held her against him for a long moment. “Having you here is not an imposition, sweetness.” His voice was soft, but firm, as he fought the need to snarl the words but needing to make sure she understood he didn’t want her to go.
She looked up at him, eyes wide. “But you had asked for a place of your own so you would have your own space. Then I needed help. I don’t want to take that space from you. You need it.”
One corner of his mouth quirked. “Sweetness. I do need my space. From the men in the bunkhouse. Not from you. I have a strong suspicion that if you go back to your apartment, and I can’t see you every day, I’ll go back to that same grumpy asshole that made me ask for a place of my own.” He took a deep breath, preparing to lay himself bare and searching for the words to say it right. “Sweetness, when I realized you weren’t home on time today, I was cranky and worried, but I used my head. I borrowed a truck and backtracked your route from work. I kept my cool with your boss and got him to take a look at the security footage. When I saw that fucker take you, the way you fell when he hit you with the stun gun, my first thought was to kill him.” He paused to take a deep breath, partly to calm the way his heart raced at just the memory, partly because he knew she needed to hear this, so if it killed him, he’d say it.
He tilted his head back and looked up at the ceiling without seeing it. “You know I’m not a good guy.”
Bonnie started to say something, but he tightened his hold and kept talking. He needed to get this out, and now that he’d started, he needed to finish, or he might not ever say it and Bonnie needed to hear it.
“You know I’ve killed. I’ve seen things I’ll never talk about, not to you or anyone else and that’s nothing against you. I told you before, I’ve seen things no human should have to see, much less endure. I don’t want that to touch you. I need to put it behind me and move on. I didn’t realize what I was missing until I met you, sweetness. I thought I was doing well. I had friends, I’d found some brothers here with the Souls, but you’ve shown me different. You’ve brought back something I didn’t even know I was missing.”
Bonnie moved until he loosened his hold and looked back down at where she sat in the circle of his arm. She wiggled until she sat facing him, then took his face in her hands.
“You’re wrong.”
Malice didn’t answer but lifted one brow in question. What did she think he was wrong about?
“You are a good man. It’s not what you wanted to do that decides what kind of man you are. It’s not what you’ve seen or done in the past, besides that was war. You did what you had to in order to survive, or in order to complete your mission. I don’t even need to know more to know that while you killed, I’m also sure you saved many more lives than you took. But it’s not even any of that that tells me you’re a good man.”
He wasn’t going to contradict her and tell her it hadn’t just been during war or his time with the military. He was still fairly new with the Souls, but Ghost had recruited him because his old partner knew he could be trusted to do what needed to be done, no matter what. “I’m not following you. I’ve done things no one should have to.”
“And you did them so someone else didn’t have to. You did what needed to be done. But there’s also this. When Phillip took me, I knew you would find me. There was no doubt. I knew. And you did.”
“I wasn’t going to let him hurt you. I had to find you.”
“That’s my point. Not only did it not occur to you not to look for me, but it didn’t occur to you that I had not come back by choice.”
“Well, it did, but not that you’d done it deliberately. I assumed at first, you’d stopped along the way, and it had taken longer than you’d planned. That you hadn’t thought to let me know you would be late.”
“But that didn’t stop you from looking for me. Searching until you found me. I’m not even going to ask how you managed that. But when you did find me, I know you wanted to kill Phillip, but you didn’t. What did you do?”
“I threatened him. I planned to kill him for what he’d done to you.”
“But you didn’t. What did you do?”
She was trying to lead him somewhere, but he couldn’t figure out where she was going with this. He frowned and shook his head, hoping she’d tell him what she had in mind.
“You kept him from hurting me more until the others were there, then you left him to them while you took care of me.” She ran the pad of her thumb along his lower lip.
“I still want to kill him for hurting you.” He reached up to cup her cheek but hesitated. It was a brilliant purple, and he didn’t want to hurt her.
Bonnie tilted her head, so her face rested in the palm he’d left hovering beside her head.
“Don’t you get it? It’s not what you want to do, it’s not what you think about doing. Those are shaped by the things you’ve seen, the things you’ve had to do, but they don’t define who you are.”
Malice closed his eyes as he battled his need to yell that yes it did and why couldn’t she see how broken he was. For the first time in he couldn’t remember how long, he didn’t feel broken. At least not as broken. “Then what does?” He forced the words out past the knot of emotion that had formed in his throat.
“What you do, babe. What matters, what defines the kind of man you are is the choices you make. You chose not to hurt him, you chose not to kill him, and I know you wanted to do both. What you chose to do was to take care of me.”
She wasn’t wrong. And he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again, or a hell of a lot more if he thought it would save her, or any other innocent, from things they should never have to see or endure. That didn’t make him a good person.
She fell silent long enough that he opened his eyes to see what was wrong and found her watching him, with tenderness in her face.
“What?” he asked.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” Malice frowned. She had nothing to thank him for. He’d just done what anyone would have.
“For caring. For showing me with your actions that I’m important to you. Now I’m going to do the same for you and let you have your cabin back. I’ll go back to my apartment.”
Malice started to protest, to say something, anything to keep her from going, but she stopped him with a single finger against his lips.
“I’m not saying I don’t want to see you. I do. But I want you to be sure that this is what you want. That I, and all my issues, are what you want. This will give us both time to be sure.” She gave him a wan smile, then leaned close and slid her finger from his lips in time to cover them with hers.
He didn’t want her to go and, because she didn’t want him to argue, did his best to use his body to convince her to stay.