Chapter 25
CHAPTER 25
MALO
“ W hat do you mean, they’ve gone?”
Antonio shrugs, monosyllabic. “They said they’re heading back to Houston,” he replies. “Guess you’ll have to hold down the fort for the Kings until they send someone else out here.”
“Shit,” I mutter, and I turn my back on Antonio to storm back to my room. I can’t fucking believe this. Maria and Blue have already taken off back to Houston, without even waiting for me? Why? What’s going on? Maria, I knew she wanted to leave, but something must have happened for Blue to have gone with her without so much as a word to me.
I reach the room once more, and find it cleared of everything Maria brought with her, and it hits me hard in that moment. She’s gone. She’s really gone. And if I had just stuck around a little longer, I might have been able to keep her here with me.
I shouldn’t have walked out the way I did, but there was only one thing on my mind—scoring. I don’t know exactly what I was looking for, but I wanted something, anything to take the edge off the mess in my head right now. Normally, I have a pretty good eye for junkies, the kind of people who’ll be able to take me to a city’s dealers and dark corners, but today? Today, it wasn’t so easy.
Because every time I pulled my bike to a halt to talk to someone, I found myself faced with the memory of a person who’d put their trust in me. Harley, Sin, Blue, Beast, Thor… Maria. All these people who want better for me, I saw them in every person I’d tried to score from.
All the people I’ve failed, all the people I’ve let down. I grit my teeth. I fucking hate myself sometimes, hate this habit that leads me to become the worst version of myself.
I jump in the shower, scrubbing the sweat from my body, trying to bring myself back down to earth. I don’t need to score. I don’t need to use. I don’t need to let anything into my system that isn’t going to help me take down the cartel. With my mind a drugged-out mess, I’m going to be of no use to anyone, and I’m just going to prove to Maria that I can’t be trusted, that I’m useless when it comes to getting her father back.
I could see how beaten-down she felt about all of this when I brought her back from the warehouse. She didn’t even think to ask how we’d found her, all she could focus on was her father, and it’s clear how much she’s struggling with being away from him. I wish there was more I could do to ensure his safety, but I can’t pull off some reckless stunt just for his benefit. No matter how much it kills me to see Maria hurting so much.
I know I’m projecting my failure with Harley onto her, and it’s not as though she’s even aware of what Harley went through. I have no doubt she’d hate my guts if she knew, and it’s not like I can blame her. I’ve been able to present a decent front to her all this time—apart from that first night—and I don’t want to shatter that by letting her see what lies underneath. How much of a waste of space I really am.
I step out of the shower and stare at the spot on the bed where she slept last night. I can still see a little dent in the pillow where her head lay. Fuck, I miss her already, and that’s the last thing I need. Getting emotionally involved with her, when I know I’m just going to let her down…
Anyway, she’s probably halfway back to Houston right now, and I need to remember that. She didn’t want to stay here with me. She’s made herself clear. She’s in this because she wants her father back, not because she feels something between us. The sooner I come to terms with that, the better.
I emerge from my room and find Marquez waiting for me outside. He looks me up and down.
“You look rough,” he remarks bluntly.
“Thanks,” I mutter back sarcastically. “What do you want?”
He jerks his head outside. “There’s a chartered flight heading back to Houston in a couple of hours,” he explains. “Thought you should be on it.”
“You don’t want me to stick around and help with the cartel?”
“You saw that compound,” he says, shaking his head. “We’re going to need time to build up the firepower to take them out. Not much we can do about it in the meantime. You should go home, recoup. Looks like you could use it.”
It’s that obvious? I guess he’s right. I don’t like the thought of walking away from a fight like this, but what choice do I have? We’re not going to be able to take them down that easily, and it’s better that I go back to the Kings and figure out our next move than stay here, away from my support system, where it’s all too easy to fall into using again.
I grab my bag and head out to a car outside, where Antonio is waiting for me. I slide into the seat next to him, nodding at him in greeting. I don’t have a lot to say to him right now, still stuck in my own thoughts. Outside, the city whips by, and I stare out longingly at a couple of junkies on the street corner. They’re out of it, and I wish I could be in the same position right now. Never thought I’d be feeling jealous of people who’d clearly lost everything to their addictions, but that’s the kind of headspace I’m in.
Antonio clocks me looking at them, and, as we pull away from the lights, he casually sparks up a conversation.
“Heard Maria and Blue talking about you earlier,” he comments.
My ears prick up. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he continues, keeping his voice casual. “Heard them talking about you… using in the past.”
My stomach sinks. So the club’s on to me then? I know a few of them had an idea, but clearly, it’s become common knowledge. And now, Maria probably has an inkling that it isn’t just a one-time thing, as well. She’s not going to want anything to do with me, I’m sure of it now. She’s got her life together in so many ways, outside of this mess. And yeah, I might have been able to convince myself that we could make something work before, but there’s not a chance in hell she’ll want to put up with me now that she knows about my addiction.
Something that’s been part of my life long before this..
“Right,” I mutter.
“Is it true?” he asks. I nod. No point denying it. Not like I have anything to hide anymore, anyway. Clearly, everyone’s talking about it—everyone knows how much of a mess I am. I don’t need to pretend to be anything else.
We reach the small airport, and, before I can climb out of the car, Antonio grabs my arm.
“You were out looking to score today, right?” he asks.
I think about denying it, but then shrug and nod. “Yeah, why?”
He reaches into his pocket and surreptitiously pulls out a small bag. I stare down at it, my mind reeling in a hundred different directions at once.
“What is it?” I ask, as though I don’t already know damn well.
He holds it out to me. “Something to take the edge off,” he replies. “Undetectable, don’t worry. And clean. You’ll be back on your game in no time.”
I hesitate before I take it. Of course, there is a part of me, that idiotic junkie part of me, that wants to snatch it from him and take it right then and there. But there’s another part of me that’s all too aware of how much harm I’m going to do to myself and the people around me if I start getting high again. I don’t even know what that shit is, and, while I have no reason to think Antonio would be trying to fuck me over, there’s no way to tell for sure.
I grab it and stuff it in my pocket before I can talk myself out of it. It would be rude to turn them down, right? I don’t even know if I’m going to use this, but it’s better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
“Thanks, man,” I reply, and he nods.
“Any time.”
I get out of the car and head to the waiting plane, and it feels as though my pocket is pulsing, like it’s calling out to me to just take it already and get it over with. But I know I need to hold myself back, at least for now. I’m going to be in enough shit when I get back as it is without actually taking something on the plane.
I can’t believe I’m leaving Monterrey without making more of an impact. It’s frustrating to be heading home, knowing there’s still so much left to do—knowing that I let Maria down, that we aren’t any closer to getting her father back. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her when I see her again, since she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be around me. Flying out to Houston without even waiting to say goodbye? Yeah, it’s obvious where I stand now. I’m not stupid. I see the writing on the wall, and it’s telling me that she’s only here for as long as it takes to get her father back.
She’s not like me, she isn’t meant for this world. I don’t know why I deluded myself into believing she could be. Maybe because of how I met her, out on the streets like that, but I have to remember that she was forced into that. She didn’t ask for it, she had no choice but to deal with what they put her through. She would never have chosen to be out there, seducing someone like me, if she had any choice in the matter.
And when she does, when we finally bring the rule of this cartel to an end, she’s going to be gone. Out of my life, back at her studies again. She hasn’t told me much about them, but it’s clear she’s passionate about her work. She’ll probably change the world for the better someday, while I’m still out here, snorting anything I can find, letting myself lose to the addiction I feel as though I’m never going to be able to escape from.
The plane rises from the runway and into the sky, and I begin my trip back to Houston. I promise myself that, as soon as I get there, I’m going to trash whatever shit Antonio gave me. I’m not even going to think twice.
At least, that’s what I tell myself.