Chapter 7
SEVEN
Deacon
There’re not many times I would make a call to meet someone for a social drink after work, but tonight is one of those nights.
Tomorrow’s Wednesday, which means I’ll be back at the townhouse.
I’ll have to interact with Gabby for the first time since she told me about her engagement on Sunday, and I still haven’t figured out if I can handle whatever it is she’s going to say.
If she says anything. My conversation with Chloe and how everyone handles things differently has been circulating in my head.
“I’ve ordered a bottle of tequila and two beers,” Ben says as I near the table. He gets up and we give each other a hug. I’m not a hugger, but Ben is one of my few friends and we’ve known each other a long time.
“Jesus,” I say. “An entire bottle? Are you trying to kill me?”
I haven’t seen Ben for over a year, but he’s really important to me.
Anywhere I’m with him feels like home. Maybe because the years we lived together—first at university and then in New York were the most stable, most secure I’d ever felt up to that point.
Gabby and I made him Willow’s godfather, although he wasn’t Gabby’s first choice.
For me, there wasn’t another man I’d want my daughter to have a connection with other than Ben.
I can’t believe it’s been so long since we caught up.
It’s not because I don’t like him, but life’s busy.
Especially as I try to spend as much time as possible with Willow at one end of the week.
It means that I spend the other end of the week trying to catch up on work.
It doesn’t leave much time for socializing.
But Ben is someone I can trust to tell me the truth. And I feel like I need a little truth telling tonight.
“No, but Bray might join. So we need enough to go around, and anyway they don’t do the good stuff by the glass.”
It would be good to see Bray. It’s been even longer since I’ve seen Ben’s brother. “Oh, great.”
“It’s good to see you, man. How have you been?”
I frown as I slide into the booth. “Okay,” I say. “You?”
“Okay?” he asks. “Is that Deacon for terrible, but I can’t share my feelings?”
I chuckle. “Maybe.”
Even though I haven’t been to this bar before, it feels familiar somehow.
Safe. It’s because Ben’s here. He feels like family.
It’s like I’m meant to be here. I didn’t stay in touch with many kids, as we moved around so much.
But I met Ben at eighteen, and he’s the oldest friend I have.
When we graduated, I didn’t know what to do, and Ben was headed to New York, so I decided to go with him.
What started off as a friendship that consisted of drinking, playing rugby, and him taking the piss out of me being miserable, evolved into a brotherhood as we both tried to make it in Manhattan.
“I’m sorry I haven’t seen you in a while.” I take a swig of my beer.
“I get it. My sister has kids, remember. Although they’re older now, so I get to see her a bit more. The first five years seem brutal.”
“I’m not sure brutal is the—yeah, brutal is true. But it’s also completely awesome. I never thought anything could…feel like it fills me up like being a father does.”
“That’s great, man.”
“Is it something you want?” I ask. “Kids, a family, that kind of thing?”
He gives a noncommittal shrug and sets about pouring tequila into two of the three shot glasses in front of us. “Maybe,” he says. “I’m having plenty of fun and working hard. It’s not like I see a huge gap that needs to be filled.”
Ben always enjoyed his fair share of women.
He’s also a workaholic, and a control freak, so having a child doesn’t fit like a glove in those circumstances.
But having a child in any circumstances isn’t ideal.
That’s what I said to Gabby when she told me she was pregnant.
We weren’t living together at the time, we weren’t exclusive, and I certainly hadn’t considered whether she might one day be the mother of my children.
But when she told me, it wasn’t even a consideration that we had to try to make it work between the two of us. I wanted my kid to grow up in a family.
It didn’t last long.
Gabby and I weren’t compatible and a baby just made the cracks between us open up.
She’s not a bad mother, or a bad person, but she’s not someone I feel comfortable going deep with.
And I covered that up by avoiding her. Gabby’s family is wealthy, and she grew up privileged in New York.
As a former army brat, I know what it’s like to never call one place home for long.
We had such different backgrounds, and I just couldn’t relate to her view of life—that everything’s great.
Because not everything is great. Or at least at any moment it can stop being great.
“I get that,” I say. “It’s a lot.”
“I wondered if you and Gabby would get back together.”
I pull in a breath. “Nope. I told you it was done.”
“I know, but you’ve always been so big on trying to make things stable for Willow.”
“Yeah. But it’s very amicable between us and she’s moved on, so that’s great.” Kinda great. I don’t see why she had to get engaged to the guy. She has a kid. Does she need to get married?
“You still do that weird thing where you move in and out?” he asks.
I nod. It’s unconventional, but it works.
“So why don’t you get a place of your own?” he asks.
I take another swig of beer. “Because my home is where Willow is. I don’t need another.”
“So you live out of a suitcase and waste money on hotel bills?”
“It’s a matter of perception. As she gets older, I don’t want Willow to think she’s missing out on a part of my life that she doesn’t get to see. My only home is with Willow.”
He pauses and looks at me like he’s inspecting some kind of museum exhibit. “You’re a sentimental guy, Deacon.”
I laugh and raise my bottle of beer. He clinks his to mine.
“I’m not sure I’m sentimental when it comes to anything but my daughter.”
“Are you sure you’ve not lost your killer edge?” he asks. “You always knew exactly the right time to strike when it came to buying tech businesses on the cusp of greatness.” He chuckles.
“You’re an arsehole,” I say. “I buy them and make them great.” I take a shot of tequila.
“Oh is that right?”
“That’s a fact.” I’m probably more strategic now than I ever have been about the businesses I’ll buy.
Unless I’m completely sure I can help them, level them up, I won’t take a chance.
Some people think that makes me ruthless.
To me, it makes me smart. But I know I have a reputation for being an asshole.
I can’t help but think about the woman I saw at the hotel, first in the lobby and then again when I saw Sienna out last night.
I wasn’t certain at first, but she’s definitely the one I spilled coffee on and then barked at for being in the way.
It wasn’t my finest moment. I should have apologized and offered to pay for a new shirt or pick up her dry-cleaning bill or something.
I’d had a thousand things swirling my brain because of the news of Gabby’s engagement, but that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have treated her like that. Maybe that does make me an arsehole.
Then when I saw her last night, as Sienna was leaving, she’d looked flushed, hurried.
Maybe I’m being an egotistical prick, but I can’t help thinking she was flustered by seeing me. Does she hate me?
Why do I care?
Why have I even thought about the woman twice?
She’s attractive, but that can’t be it. She has brown hair that she wears up, revealing a long, elegant neck, alabaster skin, and green eyes that seem to show everything in her head, like a ticker tape of emotion running across her face.
“The stuff with Gabby,” I add. “I’ve found myself a bit more bad-tempered than usual.”
“You know the cure for stress is sex. I’ve told you a thousand times.”
I grin. “I’ve missed you.”
“See, I told you,” he says. “You’ve gone all sentimental.” He shrugs. “But for what it’s worth, I’ve missed you too.”
“I’d love for you to see Willow.” I pause. “Or maybe not. I can’t imagine you’d be a good influence.”
He puffs out his chest in an exaggerated way. “How dare you. You made me godfather, remember.”
Bray interrupts me rescinding Ben’s role as godfather, and Ben and I both slide out of the booth to greet him.
It feels like old times. Before Gabby, before Willow.
Before life became a puzzle of fitting everything in as tightly as possible.
But in my evenings without Willow, I’m not sure why I don’t see more of these guys.
Yeah, I’m busy with work, but every now and then, why haven’t I called these guys and arranged a catch-up?
Sometimes I struggle to see what’s right in front of me. That’s why I have my sister. And Ben.
“Good to see you,” Bray says, as we all take our seats.
“I knew we’d get you back once Willow started school.
That’s what happens. New parents are knee-deep in shit and throw-up—quite literally.
And non-parents don’t want to be bored to death with stories of how non-adorable their incapable, parasitic offspring are.
Minimal contact for the first five years works for all parties involved. ”
“Incapable, parasitic offspring?” I ask. “That’s…” I turn to Ben. “That’s why you’re Willow’s godfather.”
“I said what I said,” Bray says. “And you can’t dispute the facts.”
I laugh, and it feels like someone’s lifted a weight from my chest. It feels good being with these guys, but more than that, I feel good being with them. I feel more like myself.
“I hear Gabby’s engaged,” Ben says.
I land in a heap, back down to earth. “Yeah. And how the hell did you know?”
“It’s my job to know everything that goes on in this city. Plus it was in the New York Times.”
“Is that bad?” Bray asks. “Were you hoping you two would get back together?”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not that. I just…my sister thinks she’ll want to change our nesting arrangement so Willow goes between two houses.”
“But she’s older now. Better able to handle that,” Ben offers.
“She shouldn’t have to be handling things,” I reply. “Certainly not the choices of her parents.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Ben says. “You’re a dedicated father. You’re not raising her in a crack den. She lives in a townhouse in Manhattan. I’m sure she has every material thing she could ever want and she has two involved parents.”
“I don’t want her to be treated like she’s some kind of shared household appliance,” I add.
“I stayed with my dad every other weekend,” Bray says. He and Ben are half brothers with different fathers. “I didn’t have a problem with it.”
It’s an easy thing to say. Now. “I’m sure at the time you saw it differently,” I say.
“No, I don’t think so. I felt kind of special going off and spending time in a different house every other weekend. I liked it.”
“Every kid’s different,” Ben says.
“Right, and Willow is a bright, sensitive girl. She shouldn’t have to put up with this shit.”
“Life isn’t perfect, Deacon,” Ben adds. “She’ll adjust. That’s what we’re good at as humans.”
“I hate the idea that she’s going to be shunted from place to place—”
“Not from place to place,” Bray corrects. “Between two homes. Between two parents who love her. I haven’t seen you in forever, Deacon. You’ve totally dedicated yourself to your little parasite. She’s going to be okay.”
Ben asks, “When’s the last time you—”
“I got laid last night, if that’s what you were going to say.”
“I was actually going to ask if you’ve seen anyone since Gabby.”
I shrug. “Like I said, I got laid last night. I’ve been busy.
I haven’t got time for anything other than work or Willow.
That’s why I haven’t seen much of you two.
And anyway, I wasn’t exactly dating Gabby when she got pregnant.
Relationships aren’t my thing. Willow’s already going to have to get used to a stepdad, with Gabby getting engaged.
I don’t want her to have to get used to someone else too. It’s too much for a small child.”
“You don’t have to marry anyone, but maybe you should try and carve out a life for yourself beyond Willow and your business.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?” I ask.
“No offense, but I’m not getting naked with you again,” Bray says. “Not after last time.”
The three of us laugh at a shared memory. We’d all gone to the Hamptons and decided it would be a great idea to skinny-dip in the pitch black, five beers in. Our clothes got taken away by the tide and we had to head back through Southampton, naked, to our beach house.
“Anyone in the mix?” Ben asks.
I shake my head. “Not really.” I shrug. “I mean, there are plenty of hot women about, just…” I hadn’t seen Sienna for a few weeks until recently, because I’d lost interest in her really.
I’ve lost interest in all the usual women I sleep with.
And I don’t often meet new women I might be interested in.
My mind wanders back to the woman at the hotel. She was the first in a long time I’d even noticed as being attractive. Someone I might hit on in the right circumstances.
But she works at the hotel. It’s not like I’m going to suggest we go get a drink. Hotel on Ninth Street is extremely convenient. If anything ever happened with Willow, I’m practically on the townhouse doorstep. I’m on to a good thing. I don’t want to fuck it up by sleeping with the staff.
“I’m going to make you a promise,” Ben says. “I’m not going to let you disappear again. You’re back in the land of the living now. There’s no going back.”
“I’m not sure if that’s a promise or a threat,” I say.
But it feels good. Gabby’s announcement was like being pushed off a building. Ben and Bray are the soft landing I needed.