Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
Deacon
On reflection, a text message and flowers probably wasn’t the best way to tell the woman who you want to spend the rest of your life with that you’re sorry.
I’m new to this stuff. I’ve had to fight in business. But I’ve never had to fight for a woman before. I’ve never wanted to.
I figure flowers are a start, so I arrange deliveries to the hotel every day.
I check the calendar, and I’m sure I only have a week left of Aurora being in New York.
A week to convince her to give me another chance—to give us another chance.
And then I just have to ask her not to move continents.
It’s an uphill battle I have on my hands, and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do it, but I’m not going to stop until I win her back.
She needs to know that she’s all I think about. She’s pretty much all my daughter talks about. She needs to know how deeply I feel. How I want us to create a family and a life together. Forever.
I just need to figure out how to show her that I’m not going to hurt her again.
My first priority is to see her in person.
Which is why I’m booked into Hotel on Ninth Street tonight.
I enter the lobby and see arrangements of ranunculus everywhere I look. Seems like Aurora isn’t taking them back to her apartment. I take comfort in the fact they’re not in the trash either.
I scan the lobby, but there’s no sign of Aurora. I step up to the reception desk.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Black,” the receptionist says. “I didn’t realize you were staying with us tonight.”
Probably because I had my assistant make the booking under her name. “It might be under the name of Adams.”
The receptionist taps away on her computer. “Oh yes, here it is. A standard room, is that right?”
“I’d like to upgrade if possible.” I deliberately didn’t book my regular room, and I didn’t book a suite.
I figure as director of rooms, Aurora will be called to assist with my request for an upgrade.
If she’s on duty. I know ambushing her at work may be considered underhanded, but I’m playing to win. I’ll do whatever it takes.
“I can do my best to accommodate you. Do you have a room in mind? Room 325?” she suggests.
“Do you have anything bigger?” I ask. I look around, but I don’t see Aurora anywhere.
“We have the presidential suite,” the receptionist replies.
“Can I see it?” I ask.
She shifts from foot to foot. “Certainly. Give me a second and I can arrange that for you.”
I grip the handle of my suitcase tightly, silently praying that she’s going to ask Aurora to come and show me the presidential suite. She steps to one side and whispers something to the male receptionist. He nods.
“I’ll just be one moment,” she says. She comes out from behind the desk and crosses the lobby.
In a few minutes, the receptionist reappears, and when I turn towards her, I see Aurora is following.
My heart lifts in my chest like it’s trying to come up for air and a sense of peace descends on me.
It’s so good to see her. Good to be close to her.
More than good. It’s perfection.
At first, she won’t meet my gaze. She’s focused on the computer. Then the receptionist fiddles with something and hands her a key.
Aurora turns to me and gives me a professional smile. “Mr. Black, please follow me. I’ll show you the presidential suite.”
She marches off in front of me and we head into the elevator.
We’re going to be alone at last.
But just as the doors close, another guest, a woman, gets in and stands in front of us.
I turn, facing Aurora, but she stays still, her gaze fixated on the closing doors in front of us.
She’s angry.
I get it.
She should be angry.
But I have to win her over. I know we’re meant to be together, and if I don’t risk her wrath, we could both lose everything. I’ve come so close to losing her forever, seeing her feels like a second chance and I won’t let it slip through my fingers.
The three of us travel up to the tenth floor and then the three of us all get out. I follow Aurora along the corridor. At some point the interloper in our party peels off and lets herself into a room.
“Aurora,” I say, as the door to the woman’s room clicks shut.
“This is the presidential suite,” Aurora says, as she puts her key into the lock and opens the door. “It has the most incredible views uptown,” she adds, sweeping her hand toward the window. “And a separate office. The bedroom is through there. Does this have the space you’re looking for?”
“Yes, this is great. Aurora, please, give me five minutes.”
“I’m at work, Deacon.”
“I know,” I say. “But I want to talk to you.”
“We’ve said what we need to say to each other.”
“I want to marry you,” I blurt out. I hadn’t expected to lead with that, but it’s true.
She steps back like I’ve slapped her across the face.
“I want to be your husband,” I say, softer now, and something inside clicks into place at the idea of being Aurora’s husband with her standing right in front of me. It feels so completely right.
She shakes her head. “Don’t say that. You don’t want to marry me.”
“I do want to marry you,” I say. I understand she’s skeptical.
I walked away so easily, I have to convince her.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
I love you, Aurora.” Telling her how I feel releases something in me, something that’s been so tightly wound for so long.
Everything loosens and slots into place.
“You have made me see the world differently. You make me want to be better. A better father, brother, man. And I want to be the best husband I can be to you.”
This is how life’s meant to be. Me with Aurora.
She steps back again. “You can’t love me.” Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence. I understand her fear. I wrote the book on being afraid. But I’m not going anywhere.
“I love you,” I tell her again. I won’t ever stop telling her. Because it’s the truth and I can’t not say it.
“No,” she says.
“I’ve been weak. And fearful. And I’m still fearful, but not of change. Not of disrupting Willow. Willow is… Willow isn’t me.”
In that moment, I realize, I haven’t been parenting my daughter.
I’ve been parenting myself. I’ve been trying to rewrite history in the present, and it’s impossible.
I can’t undo my sister dying, or the endless moving around that came out of being a child of a dad in the army.
I can’t stop Willow from feeling pain and loss and fear. It’s part of life.
But so is joy and happiness. They coexist, whether I like it or not. I’ve been so busy running and hiding from fear that I’ve not embraced the good in the world. I need to lean into the good bits of life and start really living.
“I was afraid of what change would do to Willow. Now I realize Willow’s more than happy with her world.
It’s me who’s not. I’m still afraid. Afraid of losing you.
Afraid that one day I’ll wake up in a New York that doesn’t have you in it.
That I’ll live in a New York without you.
That I’ll be forced to live in a world where you’re not right by my side. ”
Aurora searches my face. “Deacon.”
“I mean it. I want you. I want us to be together. I want to marry you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.”
She shakes her head—and my stomach turns inside out.
“What do I need to do? I understand that you might not believe me. You might think that I can’t be trusted. Let me show you. Let me prove to you that everything I’m saying is true. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“Deacon,” she says again. “I can’t give you what you need.”
“I need you.”
She shakes her head. “Even if everything you say is true, and even if I get to a point where I can accept that, it still doesn’t—”
“Do you want me?” I ask. “Can you see a life together, like I can? Because if you can’t, then I’ll walk away. But—”
“Deacon, it’s not about wanting you. I’ve always wanted you. But you and Willow…you both deserve someone…” Her eyes go glassy and she looks away. “You both deserve someone who can give you a family. You’re an incredible father. You should have more children.”
“You don’t want me because of Willow?”
“What?” she says. “Willow’s the most delightful child. This has nothing to do with her.”
“So if you’re not opposed to a child, then…” I’m trying to understand what she’s saying.
“I’ve told you, I can’t have children, Deacon. I can’t give you the family that you and Willow deserve. So even if you want me now…you’ll soon come to see that you both need someone else—”
How could she possibly think that I could chose anyone else over her? She’s trying to save me from a future without children when I already have Willow, and all I want now is Aurora.
I close the gap between us, because I can’t not be touching her any longer.
I cup her face. “I don’t want anyone else.
I need you. I want you. And just because you can’t have biological children doesn’t change any of that.
I’ve told you that it doesn’t matter. If you want children, then we’ll adopt.
We’ll find a donor. We’ll find a way. And if you don’t want to, then we won’t.
The only thing I won’t change is Willow. If you don’t want her, then…”
Tears spill out onto her cheeks, and I wipe them away.
“I love Willow,” she says. “But I…”
“It must be so hard, knowing that you can’t carry your own child. I can’t begin to imagine.” I want to take her pain away, but I know it’s impossible.
She swallows down a sob. “You shouldn’t spend your life with someone who can’t have children. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
“Don’t you get it?” I ask. “I want you, me, and Willow to be a family. I want us to be a we. And we’ll deal with it. I want to be with you, and nothing will ever change that.”
She looks up at me like she needs more reassurance than what I’m saying is true.
“I love you,” I whisper. “I love you. I love you.”
“Really?” she asks, her eyes searching mine. “But…”
“Completely and utterly in love with you. There are no buts.”
Her body finally relaxes under my touch and she exhales like she’s utterly exhausted and completely relieved to have me holding her. I want to press my lips against hers, but I want her to finish what she’s saying.
I drop my hands from her face.
“I wasn’t sure I’d be able to survive after we broke up,” she says. “But I did survive.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. I hate myself for hurting her. I hate that I wasn’t able to see the way through to her. I was consumed by my own fear.
“I can’t do it again,” she whispers.
“Never,” I say. “If I get you back, I’ll never let you go.”
“You never lost me,” she says. “I tried my best to move on, but all I did was survive without you.” Her voice cracks at the end of her sentence and I pull her closer.
Her hands sweep up my chest, and I swallow. I don’t want to mishear her. But it’s hard to focus on anything when Aurora touches me.
“I never lost you?” I ask wanting to make completely sure that she just made me the happiest man alive.
She shakes her head. “I’ll be yours until the end of time, whether we’re together or not.”
Pure joy courses through my body at the idea that she might feel the same way about me as I do about her. I let out a guttural yell. “Oh thank god!
“Marry me?” I ask, searching her face. “Marry me.” My heart thunders in my chest and I will it to quiet so I can hear her answer.
“Maybe,” she replies, and her mouth curls up at the edges.
“Maybe?” I ask. My body tenses, ready to combat the next obstacle I need to demolish.
She shrugs. “I’m yours until the end of time. If you want to get married, we can, but you already have my heart.”
My body sags with relief and I chuckle at her teasing. “You have my heart completely and entirely. You also have a six-year-old that’s obsessed with you.”
She grins like I just put a cherry on top of the cake and joy burrows deep into my heart, alongside the old grief. God, I wish Penny were here to know Aurora and Willow.
“Maybe we should take one step at a time,” Aurora says. “Be sensible. You know?”
The last thing I want to do is take my time.
We’ve wasted too much already, but whatever Aurora wants is fine with me.
“I’m all the way in, Aurora. There are no steps.
Not for me. If you want to go slow, then we can do that.
But I don’t need to. We can get married next week as far as I’m concerned. ”
“But what about Willow?” she asks, and my heart inches higher in my chest at her concern for my daughter.
“Willow will be just fine. She keeps asking when you’re moving in.”
“She does?”
“She’s your biggest fan—second-biggest fan. I’ve learned that Willow wants me to be happy almost as much as I want her to be happy. And honestly, Gabby getting engaged and the change in Willow’s living arrangements has helped Willow adjust to a new life. Willow gets that she has two families now.”
“She’s a wonderful little girl.”
“She really is. She’s also very determined. And very clear on what she wants.” I chuckle. “I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. I’m very clear it’s you who I want.”
“I want you too. I love you.”
Her words burrow into my chest and expand and I feel more complete than I ever have in my life.
“I’m sorry I turned up at your work.”
“I guess this is where we started out. And now I’m about to be the manager of this hotel, despite that I’m almost engaged to one of the guests.”
I can’t wipe the smile from my face. Almost engaged? I’ll take being an almost fiancé. The way I see it, it makes me the luckiest man on the planet.
“Wait, what?” I ask. “You’re the manager? You weren’t planning to go back to the UK?”
“I start in September. Manhattan changed everything. I don’t want to go back to my old life.”
“Then start a new life with me.”
She smiles as she nods. “I think I could do that.” She glances at her watch. “I’ve officially finished my shift. So you might want to kiss me now.”
I take a step back. “I actually can’t, because when I kiss you, neither of us will be able to stop. Let’s go home together and start our lives tonight.”
“You can ask me to marry you again,” she says. “I might even say yes.”
Did I hear her right? Fuck, how did I get so lucky? “I’m going to ask you every single day until you say yes.”
“You won’t have to ask three times. Deacon Black, I love you.”
“Aurora Reynolds, I love you too.”