September 13, 1976
Blue worked out her plan as she hurried up the hill in the late day sun, her feet sizzling on the road surface.
First, get the money and stash it somewhere else. Do that right away while Dean was out. Do it now. She circled the woods to the clearing and hauled the bag out of the tree. Once it was in her hands, heavy with cash, the
reality of it all washed over her. Was she really going to do this?
Stop wasting time. Helen’s voice was in her head. Move.
Blue worked her way through the trees, sliding on the sloping ground beneath the back porch, moving around the house. The
ground was rocky and cut into jags. One of these had an opening underneath that was big enough for the bag. That it might
house a timber rattlesnake or a copperhead was something she chose not to think about. No snake jumped out at her as she pushed
the bag into the opening, so that was a good start. To mark the spot, she stuck the calendar in along with it. She covered
the spot with leaves and sticks, leaving a corner of the calendar sticking up as a flag.
The hard part started now. Everything from this point would be a performance, one that she had to nail.
She would say that she felt ill and that Star was waiting for something at the store and would come back soon.
There would be a search party for Star at some point.
Blue would say she felt too sick to go. They’d leave her at home, probably with Jane, maybe with someone else as well.
They’d take the van. When they came back without Star, Blue felt pretty certain that Dean would get paranoid and check on the money, and when he found it gone, he would assume that Star took it.
If they went to town looking for Star, and they would, Loretta would talk about the money for the phone.
What would she say about the call if they asked?
Star said she wanted to call her brother while she was waiting. I tried to talk her out of it, but I felt so sick . . .
That was fine. Star would be hidden behind the farmstand or long gone. They’d never find her. That was one advantage of never
talking about where you were from—they’d have no idea where to look.
Blue would leave as soon as the coast was clear, because things would get ugly when Dean realized his money was gone. Maybe
a few days from now. She would wait just long enough to take suspicion off herself.
She brushed off some dirt and returned to the start of the driveway. Time to perform. She walked up slowly, her hand on her
belly, and went right back to the kitchen, where Jane was washing off some vegetables in the sink.
“Where’s the stuff?” Jane said. “Where’s Star?”
“They’re waiting for a truckload of inventory,” Blue replied, moving toward the sink to wash her hands. Her heart felt like it was going to break through the wall of her chest. “Star’s waiting for them. She’ll get them and bring them up.”
“Alone?”
This broke a fundamental but largely unspoken rule. You never did things alone. Blue understood why now—because if you were
alone, you could think about what was happening. You might look around. You might plan.
“Yeah, I just . . . I didn’t feel good. I . . .”
Blue indicated her lower abdomen.
“Cramps,” she said. “Really bad ones. I just had to come back. I feel like I’m going to die.”
Sweet Jane’s concern transferred from Star alone in town to Blue’s pain. It would have been different with any of the others—they
would have zeroed in on Star. But Jane was too good-hearted.
“Oh,” she said. “Go outside and rest. I’ll get you something.”
Blue went outside and sat on the grass. Jane went to the garden and cut herbs, then came out a while later with a mug of sweet
mint tea.
“Drink this. The mint is good for cramps.”
It was only as Blue got to the bottom of the mug that she tasted the funky, earthy flavor.
“Were there mushrooms in that?” she asked.
“You’ll feel better really soon,” Jane replied with a smile.
That was bad. Incredibly bad. This was not the time to be tripping. She needed to throw up, to get it out of her system. She jumped up and started to put her finger down her throat but Jane stopped her.
“It’s okay,” she said, laughing. “It’s just trip anxiety. I’ll babysit you. Don’t worry. Relax.”
She wiped the sweat from Blue’s forehead with her hand. It was too late to stop this train. Who even knew what she might say
once the mushrooms kicked in?
Be silent, Helen’s voice said. Just be silent and ride it out. Try to go to sleep
Jane was already seeming to come closer and then retreat in gentle wavelike motions. Blue remained still, letting the nausea
ripple over her. The sunlight was spreading through the sky like melted butter. She could see the layers of it with a strange
clarity now. Yellow, white, blue. The clouds were so starkly white as well, and my God they were close. Ridiculous clouds,
so heavy. Inside the house, someone turned on a record to perfume the air with a gentle sound that exactly matched the shape
of the air. Blue could feel the minute undulations of the grass. The earth had a heartbeat—a soft, slow one. She turned her
ear to the ground to listen. Time melted.
Suddenly, Dean was above her, looking impossibly tall.
“Where’s Star?” he demanded.
Some clarity cut through the gauze of Blue’s brain. Star . . . where was she?
be silent be silent be silent
Blue rolled onto her back on the grass and looked at the sky.
The summer night sky was blue. The winter one was black, but the summer was hers.
Blue. She tried to find the moon but decided that all the bright points in the sky were worth knowing and it was silly to think the moon was any more important.
The moon was just closer to them. That’s why it looked so large.
Had they pulled it closer? Was that all the moon was—a point in the sky someone had grabbed with a hook? Could she pull it closer?
She reached up a hand to try.
Sweet Jane must have explained that Blue had been well and truly shroomed.
“How much did you give her?” he asked.
“Enough to take the pain away.”
Dean tried to get information for a few minutes before giving up and walking away. Everyone let her be. Mosquitoes stopped
by Blue’s arms and legs for a cocktail or two. Things skittered around in the brush. A dog howled in the distance, singing
to all the other dogs, telling them to be on their guard.
She heard the van leave, crunching on the dirt road. She knew she was supposed to go somewhere now but had no idea where.
Something to do with a bag and with Star.
It would have to wait.