Chapter Three
Sara
Jasper lays his head against his pillow and stares up at me with big brown eyes. “I love you, Mommy.”
It’s moments like these that I live for. The quiet glow of Jasper’s bedside lamp, a bedtime story about mice with cookies, and my boy snuggled up tight telling me how much he loves me.
“I love you more, sweet boy.” I kiss his forehead gently and tuck the blankets up around his shoulders. “Are you going to sleep well tonight?”
He nods dramatically, his eyelids getting heavy. “Cowboys need their sleep so they can wrangle the herd!”
“That’s right! You have to be all rested to take care of your horses come morning.”
“Do you think I’ll ever have real horses?” His eyelids fight to stay open as he speaks.
“I think you’ll have a whole pasture of horses someday. Painted, Arabian, maybe even some wild.”
“And a big house with a red barn?” His voice is a drowsy murmur.
I brush his hair away from his forehead. “I’d bet you could even have a big truck too. One with the big wheels like you like.”
He nods slowly and drifts off to sleep with a hum in his throat. My sweet little boy. God, I don’t know what I’d do without him. Every day is an adventure when you see things through his eyes.
It’s funny. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified that I’d be an awful mom.
I worried about everything, like how to make sure he got enough food, how to keep his soft little head safe, how to make sure he felt loved and cared for.
The whole thing was overwhelming, and I was convinced I’d be the worst mom in the world.
Now, I feel like this is what I was born to do.
I watch his little chest rise and fall a moment longer, then turn back, pull the chain on the lamp, and head back out into the hallway of our tiny rental.
If it were up to me, I’d be raising Jasper out in the woods somewhere.
A growing boy needs wide-open spaces to run in.
Heck, I’d say every kid does. There’s something about growing up with the dandelions that gets inside a person’s soul, changing their brain chemistry for the better.
“Hey, babe.” Pete stands, blocking the narrow hallway with a smile, and I get the feeling he wants to hook up tonight.
I probably shouldn’t be repulsed at the thought, but this hot/cold thing he does confuses the hell out of me. He’ll be sweet like this until I need anything from him emotionally. Then, we might as well be in a courtroom because he’ll debate like lawyer of the year to avoid real intimacy.
“You’re such a good mom.” He leans in and kisses the top of my head, the scent of mandarin on his shirt. “We’re lucky to have you.”
This is it. He’s being kind. In most relationships, someone in my position would be a jerk for not being thankful, but how do I know this is real when last night he was telling me how I ruin his life?
At this point, I don’t care. It’s been a long day. I had fourteen haircuts after Wade’s and no lunch break. Then, I picked up Jasper, made dinner, cleaned the house, played with him, put him to bed, and now all I want to do is take a long hot bath and breathe.
“Thank you,” I manage, my throat closing as the words come out. “I think I’m going to take a hot bath.”
“Okay, I’ll sit with you.”
Sit with me?
He’ll sit with me?
“Actually, I was thinking I might just sit alone.” I laugh nervously. “I really need to decompress. I was on my feet all day and I’m not feeling any sort of conversation right now.”
“Sure, sure.” He brushes his hand down over my shoulder and turns away.
For a second, I feel like the biggest jerk alive. Maybe he’s really trying this time. Maybe I’m pushing him away. Maybe it’s true that I’m the ass, and he’s the victim to my irrational bullshit.
“Thank you,” I say, squeezing his hand. “I won’t be long. We can watch that show you like after. I’ll feel better after this refresher.”
He nods slowly, and though I was clear about needing space, he follows me into the bathroom. “I’ll just sit with you for a second. I want to see you naked.”
Maybe it’s the long day I’ve had. Maybe it’s all the mean things he said last night. Maybe it’s the fact that it feels like he wants my body without wanting my heart, I’m not sure, but something snaps inside of me like a bolt of lightning under my skin.
“No! I just told you, I need to be alone for a minute.”
“Jeez, babe!” He rolls his eyes and steps back as though I’m crazy. “Calm down. I’m trying to see you naked.” The way he says it, I almost believe I’m the jerk. I almost believe that the problem is me. That somehow I’m a narcissist prude who isn’t being a team player.
“No,” I snap and turn back toward him, the hall light flickering as I speak. “I just told you I need some space to relax. I’ve had a really long day.”
“You’ve had a long day? You work for your family's shop, Sara. You don’t have to commute to the city every day to play corporate monkey.”
I swallow hard, feeling guilty. Why the hell do I feel guilty? I work hard. I know I work hard. The fact that I don’t commute doesn’t mean I don’t work hard.
“I just need a few minutes to relax. That’s all, okay? Then we’ll watch your show together.”
“Right,” he drags his hand over his jaw, “because everything is about you. When you need to relax, we prioritize your relaxation. When you need to talk about your feelings, we prioritize talking about your feelings. It’s your world, isn’t it, Sara?
” His tone rises so roughly that I’m afraid he might wake up Jasper.
“Are you seriously going to do this again? What are you even mad about? I’m just trying to take a bath.”
He scoffs and tugs at his T-shirt as he says, “You’re selfish! You’re selfish, and it’s only a matter of time before Jasper figures it out too!”
Usually, this is the part where I burst into tears, curl up into a ball, and let him win while I wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life. This time, my blood boils and everything I’ve wanted to say for years pokes at me from the inside out until I explode.
“Are you serious right now?” My voice is stern and louder than necessary. “I cook for you, I clean for you, and I take care of our son. I—”
“Don’t you do those things for you too? Don’t you need to eat? Don’t you like a clean house? Don’t you like taking care of Jasper?”
I laugh, though not in a jovial way. It’s more so in a way that shows how crazy I’m about to go. “You’re a fucking joke!” I step toward him as I scream the words over and over again from some place so deep down in my gut that I feel a vibration as they spill into the air. “You’re a fucking joke!”
“You mocking me, Sara?” His voice is eerily calm, then all at once he shoves me. He shoves me so hard that I stumble into the bathroom, nearly hitting the edge of the tub.
This is my life. What the hell am I doing?
“And please save us all the drama and don’t go pretending like this is some kind of abuse. You did this to yourself.” He lays the words out and storms into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
For a second, I stand still in the bathroom, unsure of what to do. A bath is no longer the answer. A bath won’t even scratch the surface.
No.
I need to leave.
Now.
Quietly and quickly, I grab a backpack down from the hall closet, toss in some clothes from the dryer for Jasper and I, grab my purse and keys off the counter, head to the back room, take my sleeping son into my arms, and walk straight out the front door without another thought.
I half expect Pete to stop me, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t leave the backroom, and he doesn’t holler out. He stays wherever he is and completely ignores the fact that I’m leaving with our son.
It’s for the best. If he were to come out, he’d try and stop me, and I don’t want to be stopped tonight.
I can’t let my son think this is how a man treats a woman. I can’t let him grow up watching me be so unhappy, and I know for a fact, I’ll never be happy here. Not when I know there are men like Wade in the world. Men who I’m sure aren’t perfect, but maybe care.
It’s probably a bad time to think about Wade but I can’t help it. He’s big, strong, kind, and I’d bet he’d never treat me the way Pete has.
Ugh… I need to get my shit together!
Careful of black ice, I carry my sleeping son down the short driveway to the street where the car is parked against the curb. I’ve been living in town with Pete for the last two years and I’m still not used to how little space we have.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a convenient walk to work in the morning, but I miss the sound of the trees creaking in the wind and the howling of coyotes.
I buckle Jasper into the back seat of the car and slide into the driver’s side, escaping the cold wind that’s whipping down the street. Okay, now what do I do? I’ve got clothes, we’re out of the house, and we’re in the car, but what’s next? Where do we go?
My mom will stress that kids need both parents and likely spend all night trying to convince me to go home. I have a cabin with a caved roof that was ‘gifted’ to me to fix up, but I’m pretty sure we’d freeze out there tonight.
I truly have no idea what to do. I know a ton of people, but I’m not super close with anyone except for my friend Ivy.
That said, I’m pretty sure she’s hosting all her siblings this weekend for some kind of family reunion.
I can’t interrupt that. She doesn’t see her family much, and she was really stressed about how crazy it was going to be.
The only option left is the inn, which I totally can’t afford, and last I checked they don’t offer rooms in exchange for haircuts.
I drag in a deep breath and let it out slowly, the reality of my life coming into focus. I have no money to speak of, no home to live in, no food to eat, and I have a small child to take care of.
Oh my God… I’m an idiot.
Maybe I should go back inside. Maybe I’m making a huge mistake. Maybe I’m wrong.