Chapter Fifteen
Sailor
It was nice to spend time with Noah away from Benito. Without his father there, he was more relaxed, almost casual. A normal man, instead of one who was tied up in the life and death situations of a mafia don.
Selfishly, I’d hoped to hear some information I could pass on while we were together.
Other than reporting the men in the picture, which was really not even worth mentioning, I had nothing to give to Lauder.
It had become frustrating as hell. I was even prepared to tell her the reason I agreed to the date was to get closer to Noah and gain more intel on the Costas, even if it was a lie.
I agreed because I wanted to. It was that simple.
Of course, then panic had set in. I didn't know how to comport myself on a date, and I was sure I would blow it. The internet gave me some pointers, though I felt foolish for needing them. With the tentative relationship we had, I was bound to put my foot in my mouth, and I wanted to avoid that.
My area of expertise was medicine, and my experiences in life were shaped by a tragedy. We had nothing in common outside of the death of our mothers, which—as he pointed out—was a morbid discussion to have on a date. But then I didn't know what else to talk about.
I didn't do carefree.
As I watched him swirl a fry in the mayo-ketchup combination he’d created, I decided on a question that seemed first-date appropriate. “Why does Benito sometimes call you Nero?”
Before taking a bite, he responded, “He was hell-bent on giving us traditional Italian names, but our mother wasn't keen on it. Even knowing we would attend a private school, she thought the other kids would make fun of us.”
“So it’s your given name?” Even though I technically knew it from the briefing Agent Parkes gave me in the beginning, I wasn't supposed to know.
“Yes. Mom came up with Noah as a nickname, and Dad agreed to use it—most of the time. Unless he’s mad at me or trying to convince me to do something I don’t want to do,” he added with a frown.
“Does it bother you when he uses it?” I asked, genuinely curious that time.
His frown deepened. “It often feels manipulative. My sister’s name is easier to shorten; Vittoria to Vicki isn’t such a leap.”
“I guess girls have it easier sometimes.”
“Especially in our line of business, where the women aren't in line to inherit.”
There was an odd openness to his answers. We both knew what he did for a living, if for no other reason than his family was often in the news. But he and his father had constantly pretended they were legitimate businessmen.
“Are you renovating the house?” I asked after he ate his fry.
“Dad has contractors working on it, yes.”
“Do you like living there?”
“Not really.” As soon as he said that, he looked up at me with a guilty expression. “I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”
“I think you did.”
While I took a bite of my messy bacon cheeseburger, I saw how badly he warred with himself. I licked grease off the side of my hand, and he tracked my movements.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my father. But at my age, I should have moved out by now. I should have my own house.”
“Should? According to whom?”
“Societal norms, I guess.”
Nodding, I said, “And those are important to you?”
Noah wiped his hands on a paper napkin, then tossed it down. “Not especially, but if I think about it too hard, it feels embarrassing to be closing in on forty and still living at home.”
“It’s not like you’re the perpetually online son living in the basement. You run a business with Benito, and it’s convenient to live in the same house.”
“Maybe.”
“Vicki lives there, too,” I pointed out.
“Not anymore. She’s officially moved in with Gio.”
“Would she have done that if her hand wasn’t forced by the literal destruction of her home?”
He narrowed his eyes. “Why are you pushing so hard?”
Flushing at his scrutiny, I replied, “I don't want you to feel bad about something that ultimately doesn't matter.”
His face relaxed, and he sat back against the booth. “I’m sorry. I treated that as an interrogation instead of a casual inquiry.”
“It was meant as lighthearted conversation, as requested.” I smiled, but I wasn't sure it reached my eyes. He was so intense about every little thing.
“I see that now. Sometimes I forget you’re very kind.”
“I’m na?ve. Sheltered. Naturally smart in what I apply myself to, but not street smart.”
Picking up more french fries, he said, “You could be bitter after the life you’ve led, but you’re not.”
I had to laugh. “Oh, but I am. Haven't my coworkers told you otherwise?”
When Noah studied me so intently, I had to force myself not to squirm. “It’s a hard outer shell, isn’t it, Sailor? You’ve had no choice but to guard your heart against the emotions you so desperately want to feel.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tried for a casual tone of voice. “You said no heavy conversation.”
“You’re right.” He nodded. “But I felt that it needed to be said. The others are wrong about you because they make surface judgments without getting to know the real you.”
“I don't let them get to know me.”
There was nothing to know, anyway. Nothing but broken emptiness.
“And why should you? They’re assholes.”
“Where did this nicer side of you come from?” Though I might be treading on thin ice, I needed his answer. “You hated me at first sight.”
“I was wrong.” Reaching out, Noah ran his fingertips over the back of my hand.
“God, I was so angry at your hospital for the way they treated Dad. And then on top of that, they couldn't stop him from leaving when I thought they should. I was so sure he’d die within the first forty-eight hours, and I would’ve treated anyone like shit because I wanted him under constant monitoring.
Even though I hated the doctor assigned to him, at least at Grandview, someone could save him if he coded. ”
“Even though it makes sense, you terrified me.”
He smirked. “Really? You acted indifferent to my threats.”
“You think you’re the first family member to intimidate me? I’ve been through it all, Noah, and I had no choice but to develop a thick skin.”
“Have you gotten too used to it, though? Putting up walls and never letting anyone in?”
“I’m sure.” His constant touch had raised goosebumps on my arms beneath my long sleeves. “No one has cared to get past them so far.”
“What if I do?”
“I’ve already cured your father. There’s no need to pretend anymore.”
He frowned, and I bit my lip. I hadn't meant that to sound as if I was the one pretending, but that was exactly how it came out.
“Who’s been pretending?”
My belly trembled at the heat in his gaze. “I meant you don't have to pretend to care about me so I’ll treat Benito properly.”
“That’s not it.” Sighing, he took his hand back, and I missed the contact. “You’ve grown on me, Sailor.”
Wrapping my arms around my waist, I retorted, “Like a black mold infestation?”
He chuckled. “No, like a tenacious weed.”
“As if that’s any better,” I said with a scowl.
“Winding around me until I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Tears filled my eyes. For so long, I’d been hollow inside. Why did the man I set out to destroy have to chisel his way past the bricks I’d built up around my heart? There must be something missing inside me; if he discovered what it was, would it rip through his flesh until we both bled out?
“God, don’t cry.” Noah handed me a napkin, and I blotted my face. “I wasn't trying to hurt you.”
“I don't know how to accept what you said.”
“Just forget what I said.” Fishing out his wallet, Noah stood and went to the register to pay while misery engulfed me.
I fucked it up, just as I knew I would.
The drive back to my apartment was too silent. My heart felt heavy, my cheeks burned, and I longed to have a good cry. We were suddenly miles apart in the same car, back to the strangers we once were.
I didn't even expect him to walk me to the door at that point, but I guess he was determined to be a gentleman.
“You need to get an alarm system,” he said when we stopped under my front porch light.
I blinked up at him. “Why?”
Looking around the street, he focused back on me when he said, “Because being associated with me isn’t safe, and anyone could easily pick your locks.”
Heat flooded me as I thought about Lauder and Berkshire doing exactly that.
“I never worried about it before,” I admitted quietly. “But I’ll look into it.”
“For your sake, not mine.”
I folded my hands together in front of me, unsure of what else to do. “Okay.”
Noah leaned in, his cologne wrapping me in comfort. But he only kissed my forehead, and I bit back a sigh. Had I killed what might have been before it even got started?
Panic strangled me when he turned to go. “I’m sorry,” I said into the quiet night.
Stopping on my walkway, Noah faced me again. “For what?”
“Ruining the evening.”
Shoveling his hands through his hair, he strode up to me, backing me against the door. The light reflected in his eyes until the depths showed me my own face, and I hated that I looked like a cornered rabbit.
“Goddammit,” he muttered, yanking me up tight against him. His mouth wasn't soft when he pressed it to mine. His actions were rough as he groped me, crushing me close until I couldn't breathe. My head went light, spinning out as I accepted his desperate kiss.
He groaned, and it went straight to the dormant parts of me. If he asked to come in, I was afraid I’d accept, and then I’d more than ruin the night; I’d ruin myself.
Finding his way into my mouth, he stroked his tongue along mine, retreating to tease my lips with it before he plunged it back inside. I’d never known what it felt like to be dominated by a man, but I knew I wouldn't want to feel this way with anyone but him.
Pulling back, Noah rested his forehead on mine. His hands still roamed up and down my back, burning me through the layers of rayon. Finally, he sucked in a breath before kissing my cheek and then my temple.
“You didn't ruin anything, Sailor. We’re just new at this.”
“Well, I am,” I mumbled. “But surely you’re not.”
Kissing the shell of my ear, he whispered, “Completely new?”
I shivered, reluctant to answer.
His shaky exhale made my body want to ignite into a thousand suns. “We need to get to know each other, and then it will become smoother.”
“Or I’ll just remain awkward for the rest of my life, and you’ll run away like everyone else does.”
“Give yourself some credit, Sailor.”
I couldn't help moaning when he nibbled on my neck. “I’ll try,” I replied breathlessly.
“I should go.”
It was the smart choice, but I wasn't ready for him to leave. Then again, I was certainly not ready for anything more.
“Good night, Noah.”
“Good night, Sailor.” With one last chaste kiss on my mouth, he left.
I went inside, feeling foreign in my skin.
Was I actually falling for him, or was I creating a scenario in my head about the first and only man to show me kindness?
Did I still need to cry, or were those emotions different now?
I wasn't disappointed in the outcome of our date, but in myself. I’d tripped over my tongue, said everything wrong, and nearly drove him away.
As I got ready for bed, I looked down as a text came through.
It was a confirmation for the new security system that would arrive in the next few days, and an invitation for the tech to install it at my convenience.
Apparently, I’d have to get used to Noah casually spending money on me if he and I were to be together.
I’d been independent for most of my life.
Relying on other people had continuously backfired, especially when I lived in foster care.
Those experiences had given me no choice but to rely on myself, and after I became a doctor, I made enough money to never depend on the government again.
Year after year, I strived to continue furthering my knowledge so that raises were never a question but a guarantee.
I was scrupulous to a fault, ensuring my evaluations were consistently positive.
Well, with the exception of playing well with others. Unsurprisingly, I fell short in that category every year.
With my toothbrush in hand, I stared at my reflection.
I was a traitor, either to the Costa men who claimed to care about me, or to the feds I’d agreed to work with.
Or, the third and worst choice; I was a traitor to my parents’ memory.
Reneging on my deal would close their case forever, and they’d never get justice.
Maybe it was time to believe Agent Lauder when she said they weren't intended to be targets and accept that it was just an awful accident.
Wrong place at the wrong time and all that.
Dark tint and poorly lit roads contributed to that theory.
They were good people, so no one would even consider going after them.
My heart ached at the thought of giving up on Noah, but it burned a hole in my gut to consider giving up on my parents.