Chapter 16 #4
Whatever I was expecting him to ask, it wasn’t that, and a shard of pain spikes directly into my chest. I’ve thought about Areille so many times since coming out here, and I figured I was used to the emotions thinking about her brings: pressure to win for her, and fear that I might lose and go home empty-handed.
Above all, though, is guilt for leaving her alone, even though I know it’s for the best.
But hearing Cole ask about her, his voice full of sympathy, somehow magnifies those emotions, makes them more real, and now I can’t hold them back anymore.
Before I know it, I’m crying, letting out all the sadness and anxiety and worry that have built up, all the tears that I could never let myself show because any weakness could be fatal in this game.
For a bare moment, I feel completely alone, even though I know in my head that I’m being watched even now by the unrelenting eye of the camera, as I have been almost every second of the last few weeks.
And then Cole wraps his arms around me and presses my head against his warm chest, and just like that, I feel a little better. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I look up into his eyes, still a bit teary. “It’s all right,” I tell him, my voice still shaky. “I just … how did you know?”
“Come on, Ry. I may not be as smart as you, but even I notice things sometimes.” He gives me a light, easy grin that fades just as quickly as it came.
“It’s clear that you love her, but whenever anyone asked about her, you’d get this faraway look in your eyes.
It’s obvious something is wrong, even if I didn’t know the details.
If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.
I just figured that if you did want to talk about it, I could give you a chance to do that. ”
I shake my head again. “No, it’s fine,” I reply. From a game perspective, I’m still not sure whether it’s a good idea to tell him. But I think that if I don’t, I might burst. “Hang on, let me just …”
Taking a deep breath, I gently unwrap myself from his arms and scooch away a bit—still close, but far away enough that we’re not touching. If I’m going to do this, I don’t want to be distracted by how nice it feels to be held by him.
“You already know that our parents died when I was sixteen, and that Arielle basically raised me after that,” I continue, willing myself to look him in the eye.
“But what I didn’t tell you is that she was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago.
Thankfully, the doctors caught it early.
They said she had a good prognosis, because she was young and otherwise healthy, but even so, that moment of hearing she was sick, that she might …
” I trail off and I swallow before I resume.
“Well, it was hard for me, and I can’t even imagine how it must have been for her.
I tried to stay strong, but deep down I was terrified.
I just kept thinking that I couldn’t lose her, too.
She started treatment pretty much immediately, and even though she never complained once, I could tell it was taking a toll on her, and that almost broke my heart.
She did so much for me after our parents died, and there wasn’t a single thing I could do to make her better.
” My voice gets small, barely above a whisper, and I look down. “I just felt so … so helpless.”
Cole takes my hand in his and gently squeezes it. “I’m really sorry,” he says, his voice as gentle as his touch. “I’m guessing she’s better now, or you wouldn’t be out here?”
I nod and look up again, wiping my cheek with my other hand. “The treatment worked, and she was officially declared cancer-free six months ago. She’ll have to have tests for probably the rest of her life, but that’s a small price to pay. The real problem is—”
For the second time in as many weeks, I remember who I’m talking to, and I catch myself before I give away too much.
“The problem is that I don’t know how she’s doing while I’m out here,” I add, somewhat lamely.
“I mean, I’m sure she’s fine on her own, and she insisted that I come out here as soon as I got the call from casting. But it still hurts not knowing.”
Cole sighs. “Oh, Ry,” he says, squeezing my hand once again, harder this time. “I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to go through this game with that hanging around your neck.”
Part of me wishes I could tell him the whole truth. But this is still a zero-sum game, and even though I trust him, I can’t take the chance, so I just shrug. “I’ll see her in a couple weeks, and until then I’m just going to do my best to focus on the game.”
“I guess that’s the smart move. We do have a lot of game left to play, don’t we?
” He lets out a breath and leans back. “To tell you the truth, I’m really not looking forward to what happens when we get down to the final six.
I’ve been trying not to think about it too much, but I guess I’ll have to at some point.
Assuming I don’t get voted out first, that is. ”
Pain stabs my heart once again, but this time it’s at the thought of Cole being voted out. I know he’ll have to go at some point, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. “I can’t say I haven’t thought about it,” I admit. “But there’s so much that could happen between now and then.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. After that scare with the hidden immunity idol last night, I’m ready for anything.
” He frowns, furrowing his eyebrows. “Speaking of idols, what do we do if Jenny or one of them finds the one that was hidden at our beach? Katie told me about how you split the votes to get out Juan but I’d rather not take the chance if we can avoid it. ”
Maybe it’s because I feel bad for lying by omission about Arielle, but suddenly I feel an overwhelming compulsion to ease his mind. “We don’t have to worry about that,” I say, making a split-second decision. “They’re not going to find the idol.”
He gives me a quizzical look. “What do you mean? Did someone find it already?”
I take a deep breath before I continue. What I’m about to say could completely mess up the game for me, even more so than the truth about Arielle, but it’s too late to back down now. “Yes,” I tell him. “I found it this morning.”
“Are you serious?” He breaks out into a wide smile, and he reaches out and shakes my shoulder lightly. “That’s awesome! Where was it?”
Despite my trepidation, I return his smile with a small one of my own; his enthusiasm is contagious. “It was hidden behind a loose rock on the outside of the well. We must have walked by it a million times. Really, anyone could have found it. I just got lucky.”
“Sometimes you just need a little luck in this game.” He leans forward, his eyes alight. “Have you decided what you’re going to do with it yet?”
“Not really. Hopefully I won’t need to use it for a while, but you never know.” I pause, nervous again. “Listen, could you do me a favor and not tell the others that I found it? I’ll tell them eventually, but for now I just want to try to figure out what I’m going to do with it.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not telling anyone.” He mimes zipping his mouth shut. “It’ll be our little secret.”