Chapter 21
The ride back to camp after tribal council is terrible, like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
How could this have happened? The other three must have planned this while we were on the reward, and I was too stupid, too goddamn blind, to see that they were lying to me.
I was so sure that Cole and I would go to the end together that I ignored what was right in front of my nose.
Tears stream down my face as I remember how broken he looked right before he walked down that ramp and out of the game.
And if it’s this bad for me, I can’t even imagine how he must be feeling right now.
The thought of him sitting in the production camp, broken and devastated as he wonders how this could have happened, is almost too much for me to bear.
And the worst part is that I have no one to blame but myself, because even after the other three flipped, I still could have saved him.
All I had to do was play my hidden immunity idol for him, and he’d be right here with me.
Hell, I could have given it to him before tribal council and let him decide whether to play it for himself!
But I was so sure that he wasn’t in trouble, and now I’m stuck with a worthless trinket while Cole is out of the game.
I wish I’d never even found the damn thing!
I almost take it out of my pocket and hurl it overboard, but I manage to stop myself in time.
Keep it around so you remember what happens when you get too confident.
I try to take a deep breath and calm myself, but it doesn’t really work, so instead I sit there and stew in my own anger.
As the motorboat skips over the waves, that anger slowly evaporates into the air, replaced by a bone-deep weariness, and by the time we get back to the beach, all I want to do is go to bed.
I’m sure Tamika and Katie and Rhonda want to explain why getting rid of Cole was the right move, but I don’t want to hear it now, or ever.
As soon as we hit the beach, I get off the motorboat and immediately walk towards the shelter, but as expected, Rhonda intercepts me. “I need to talk to you,” she says quietly.
I shake my head. “I’m going to bed. We can talk tomorrow.”
I turn to continue to the shelter, but she grabs my arm. “Ryan, I understand you’re upset,” she says, her tone firm. “But this was the right move. Not just for me, but for you too.”
I bite back a comment with some difficulty. The right move, huh? “How can you say that?” I ask instead, my muscles quivering. “He was in your alliance!”
“He was, just like everyone else on this beach.” She looks me in the eye, unfazed.
“The fact of the matter is that if we didn’t get Cole out tonight, while he was vulnerable, we might not have gotten another chance.
I had to do what’s best for my game. You and I both know Cole would have just waltzed right to the end if we didn’t get rid of him.
Sure, maybe he was gonna take you along with him. But where would that leave me?”
The fact that she’s not wrong only makes me angrier. “What about Tamika? She’s pretty good at challenges too, if you hadn’t noticed! Isn’t she a threat?”
“She is. And that’s why she needs to go next, if she don’t win immunity.”
I shake my head again. You won’t fool me that easily, not a second time. “How am I supposed to trust you after what just went down? What’s to stop you from blindsiding me like you blindsided Cole?”
“Ryan, look at me.” She waits until I’ve done as she requested, her gaze unflinching. “I never promised Cole anythin’. But you and I have a deal, and I’m not going back on that. Not now, not ever.”
With that, she turns to go, and even though the rest of the tribe is no more than a few yards away, I still feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.
Days 30-31
Just as the days immediately before Cole was voted out were some of the best I’ve had in this game, the days after are easily the worst. It’s not just that he’s not here, although that’s certainly part of it.
What really hurts is the fact that I had this plan, this perfect plan, to go to the end with him.
Maybe one of us would be voted out at the final three, but if that had happened, it wouldn’t have been my fault.
The hidden immunity idol would have been useless at that point, and I wouldn’t be beating myself up because I didn’t play it for him.
But despite the pain, I remind myself that the game doesn’t stop just because I’m upset.
Even though things aren’t going how I planned, I still want to win this game.
I’m doing this for Arielle, and if I gave up now, I’d never forgive myself.
Besides, I know Cole wouldn’t want me to roll over and die just because he got voted out.
I’ll see him in a few days, no matter what, and until then, I need to focus on the game, no matter how much it hurts.
Plus, I’d be lying if I said part of me doesn’t want revenge against the others for betraying Cole.
So, I continue to talk to my tribemates, doing my best to pretend like everything is normal.
There isn’t much strategizing to do at this point—not with only four people left—but I do what I can.
My main plan right now is to get rid of Tamika at the next tribal council, although that didn’t exactly work the last time I tried.
If she wins the next immunity challenge, I’ll have to try to switch the vote to Katie or Rhonda.
At least the latter promised she wouldn’t vote for me.
Who knows if she’ll change her mind, though.
By the time we get to our next immunity challenge, on day thirty-one, I’m determined to ensure that Rhonda’s loyalty doesn’t get tested by winning myself.
The challenge itself is a monster—the four of us have to navigate a giant maze that must have taken production a week to build, finding bags of puzzle pieces as we do, then use the pieces to complete a giant three-dimensional puzzle.
In the end, Katie solves the puzzle first, winning immunity at tonight’s tribal council. It’s better than Tamika winning.
I’m prepared to do some more convincing, but as soon as we get back to camp, Katie pulls me aside. “I’m voting for Tamika,” she says, without preamble. “I know you probably don’t trust me after what happened with Cole. But I still want you around.”
I still don’t know if I can trust her, or Rhonda for that matter, but it’s not like I have many options.
If the two of them decide to team up with Tamika to vote me out, there isn’t much I can do to stop them.
I suppose I could preemptively flip on them and try to convince Tamika to vote for Rhonda, but it would still only be two against two.
Plus, there’s a good chance Tamika would immediately run to Rhonda and Katie, and then I’d be screwed.
No, the best thing I can do is nothing, even if it feels counterintuitive.
But despite the fact that I might go home tonight, I’m actually looking forward to tribal council, for one reason and one reason only: the jury always watches the proceedings, which means Cole will be there.
They’re not allowed to talk to or interact with us, but I just want to see him, so I can reassure myself that he’s okay.
I can’t imagine it's easy getting voted out, and being blindsided must make it ten times worse. At least if I go home tonight, I won’t be that surprised.
But Cole … well, he must have felt betrayed, and hopefully I can get some indication—a wink, a smile, a nod, whatever—that will let me know he’s feeling better.
Once we’ve taken our seats, Alex signals to his right, and the jury begins to walk in. “We will now bring in the members of our jury,” he says. “Jenny, Ashraf, Alina, Marina …”
The four of them parade past us, but I only have eyes for the one last in line. “And Cole,” Alex continues, “voted out at the last tribal council.”
I try not to stare at Cole as he walks in and takes his seat with the rest of the jury.
He looks incredible, in a white button-down shirt, the top two buttons undone, and khaki shorts.
His beard is gone, and he’s gotten a haircut, back to the same length it was when I first met him on day one.
His cheeks, which had been getting gaunt from the lack of food, are already starting to fill out again.
He glances at me, and our eyes briefly meet before he looks away.
His expression is carefully neutral, and his eyes betray nothing, so I have no idea how he’s feeling.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. The jurors are supposed to be impartial, and he’s hardly the only one who’s not showing any emotion.
Still, I had been hoping for something—a wink, a brief smile, anything to let me know that he doesn’t blame me for what happened two nights ago.
While I’m distracted, Alex begins talking, and with some difficulty, I tear my attention away from Cole. “Rhonda,” Alex begins, “I think it’s safe to say the last tribal council was a blindside. What was the feeling like at camp over the last few days?”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly a party,” Rhonda replies, a ghost of a smile flitting across her lips for a half-second.
“I don’t think any of us were happy to see Cole go, although some of us mighta been more upset than others.
But at the same time, we all know we’re close to the end, and it ain’t gonna be easy gettin' there. Last night was just another reminder of that.”
Alex nods and turns to me. “Ryan, based on how you voted last time, I’m guessing you were one of the people who Rhonda was talking about when she said some of you were more upset than others. Was Cole’s ouster a surprise?”