Chapter 23 #2
I figured she might ask something like that.
“Honestly, in the end it came down to the fact that I thought I had a better chance of winning against Rhonda. You’re an incredibly smart player, and I figured if I were sitting next to you, it would be difficult to differentiate my game.
It wasn’t an easy decision, and I know it sucked for you to get voted out at the last possible moment.
But at the same time, I want to win, not come in second. ”
“Fair enough,” she says, shrugging. “Rhonda, if you had won the final challenge, would you have taken me or Ryan with you?”
Rhonda thinks for a moment. “I hate to say it, but I probably woulda taken Ryan,” she says. “We promised each other we’d go to the final two all the way back on day three, and I’d like to think I woulda kept that promise.”
Katie nods. “Got it. Congrats again, and best of luck to both of you.”
Next up is Tamika. “Like Katie said, congratulations on making it this far,” she says, her hands on her hips. “Rhonda, it seems like your strategy was to befriend all of us, and I’d say you did a pretty good job of it. But do you think that’s enough to win you the game?”
Rhonda frowns. “Well, I suppose that depends on the seven of y’all,” she says.
“It ain’t like I was completely out of the loop on the strategizin’.
But, like I said, I really do believe that trust is the most important thing in this game.
Sure, you can win all the challenges, and that might be enough to get you to the final two, but it ain’t enough to win.
The relationships you made are what you need for that, and I think I did a better job than Ryan at buildin’ those relationships. ”
“Understood.” Tamika turns to me, frowning lightly. “Ryan, in your opening statement, you said that at the merge, you came up with the plan for your alliance. But when you boil it down, all you really did was lie to me about Randy so I would vote with you. Do you regret manipulating me like that?”
A shard of guilt stabs in my gut. “Of course I regret it,” I reply.
“You’re a good person, and I hate that I had to lie to you to make it further in this game.
” I look her directly in the eye. “But if I had to go back and do it again, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
Our backs were up against the wall, and there were no good options.
I just picked the least bad one that would still give me a good chance of getting to the end. ”
Tamika considers me silently for a moment. Then she says, “Thanks, guys. I’ll be listening carefully, so make sure you answer the rest of the questions honestly and fully.” She resumes her seat, her expression inscrutable.
It’s Ashraf’s turn next, and he asks us what we think our best move was from before the merge.
Rhonda says hers was getting Ashley out on day three, since that set the tone for the entire game, and I say mine was coming up with the plan to split the votes after the tribe swap and get Juan out.
He seems satisfied with our responses, nodding to himself as he sits back down.
After Ashraf is Jenny, who doesn’t ask either of us a question. Instead, she tells us that she wishes she’d gotten more time to get to know us, and that she’ll be keeping an open mind.
Next is Alina, followed by Marina, both of whom ask us questions about our specific gameplay. The former nods along with Rhonda’s answer but frowns at mine, while the latter gives us both a wide smile as she congratulates us and wishes us the best of luck.
Last is Cole, who looks as amazing as ever in a dark purple T-shirt and white shorts.
My stomach flutters as he gets up and walks over to the center of the set.
This is the first time I’ll get to actually hear from him since he got voted out, and I still have no idea what he’s thinking.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he throws me a bit of a curveball with his question, but if I’m lucky, he’ll just lob up a nice softball for me to hit out of the park.
He takes his spot, then turns slightly to face Alex. “I just have one question,” he says. “For Ryan.”
My heart immediately drops upon hearing the last word. That was the first time he’s ever used my full name, and it can’t be a good sign. The fluttering sensation in my stomach is gone, replaced by a pit that seems to weigh a hundred pounds. Please, let it just be for the cameras.
Cole turns to face me, his eyes as hard as diamonds.
“Ryan,” he says, his voice trembling ever-so-slightly on the second syllable.
“The conversation we had the night after Marina was voted out—did you mean any of the things you said to me? Or were you just lying to get yourself further in the game, like you did with Tamika?”
My heart immediately plummets to the ground and stays there.
I knew he might be upset about being blindsided, but this clearly goes deeper than that.
“I meant every single word,” I reply, struggling to hold back tears.
“And, just for the record, I had no idea you were going to be voted out. That was all Tamika, Rhonda, and Katie.” I want to say more, but I can’t, not in front of everyone. Please, you have to believe me.
Cole’s eyes glisten, and his expression softens slightly. I want him to tell me that he believes me, that he forgives me, even if he can’t be very specific while the cameras are on him. Please, Cole, I silently will him. Just give me some indication you still want to be with me.
But then he shakes his head, and when he looks up again, his eyes are hard once more. “Thanks, Ryan,” he says, his tone as cold as winter. “That’s all I wanted to know.”
Then he returns to his seat, while I hang my head, trying not to cry.
What kind of monster would I have to be to even consider pretending to have feelings for him just to get myself a bit further in this game?
Does he really think I’m that bad a person?
Sure, I may have lied to Tamika about Randy wanting to get her out, but that’s completely different!
My feelings for Cole transcended this game, and I thought he understood that. Maybe I was wrong.
I barely pay attention as Rhonda makes her closing statement, unable to move on from thoughts of Cole, and when it’s my turn, I stumble through on autopilot, even though I should be paying attention.
I just have to hope that there’s been some misunderstanding, some miscommunication that I can clear up easily.
Maybe Tamika told him that getting him out was my idea, or maybe something I said just now made him think I was in on it.
If only I can get through the rest of the tribal council, then I can talk to him privately and reassure him that my feelings for him are real.
At least, that’s what I tell myself. I try my hardest to believe it, because if I don’t, I might just break down in front of everyone.
Once Rhonda and I have finished our closing statements, Alex tells the jury that it’s time for them to vote for a winner.
One by one, they stand up and make their way to the voting booth.
I do my best to put on a neutral expression, even though my mind is roiling like a storm-tossed motorboat.
If they see me looking nervous, they might think I have reason to be nervous, and I need to project confidence right now.
Each of them seems to move in slow motion, and I silently urge them to move faster so we can get this over with and I can talk to Cole.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, the last juror returns to their seat, and Alex goes to retrieve the votes.
He brings the urn to the podium, but unlike previous tribal councils, he doesn’t open it.
“Jury, thank you for your service,” he says.
“Rhonda, Ryan, I’m sure you’re anxious to find out who won.
But you’re going to have to wait until the live finale in a few months.
” He gives us one last grin. “I’ll see you back in the States. ”
With that, the final tribal council and this portion of the game is over.
The cameras turn off, their job done. Meanwhile, Neema directs me, Rhonda, and the jury back to the production camp.
I force myself to slow down and take a deep breath as we walk in a single file down the ramp and along a trail lit with torches, Rhonda and I taking the rear.
It’ll be okay, Ryan. You just need to talk to him and explain what really happened.
After a few minutes of walking, we reach a clearing with a large outdoor space and two squat buildings lit by spotlights and strings of bulbs hanging from palm trees.
Neema points out bedrooms for Rhonda and me in one of the buildings before leading us into the courtyard, which has two large tables under a wooden roof, one set with chairs and the other holding trays of food.
With a considerable force of will, I ignore the buffet, instead squaring my shoulders and making a beeline directly towards Cole, reaching him just before he picks up a plate.
“Can I talk to you?” I ask, my voice low. “In private, preferably.”
He stares at me for a moment silently, then nods.
My heart in my throat, I lead him to my new bedroom.
It’s rather spartan, just a bed, a night table, and a small dresser, with a door on one wall that I assume leads to a bathroom—in other words, basically a five-star hotel compared to where I’ve been living for the last month.
Once we’re both inside, he closes the door behind him and turns to me, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Well?” he asks, his voice breaking just the tiniest bit. “What did you want to talk about?”
For a moment, I just stare at him. “Cole, please don’t play dumb with me,” I say. “What the hell was that at tribal council? Do you really think I was lying to you?”
His eyes hold mine for a second longer, but then he looks away.
“I’m not sure what to think anymore,” he mutters.
“I thought you and I had something real.” He looks up at me again, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“But just when everything was going perfectly, I got blindsided. Can you even begin to understand how much it hurt to have everything ripped away from me like that?”
I take a cautious step forward. “Of course I understand,” I reply, my tone low and soothing. “But it was hard for me, too. I wanted to sit next to you at the final two, and I would have given anything to make that happen.”
“How can you expect me to believe that when you had a chance to stop it and didn’t? You told me not to worry, ‘cause you’d play the idol for me. And then, right when I needed it, you kept it in your pocket. How am I supposed to feel when you betrayed me?”
A feeling of emptiness settles deep within my chest, like there’s a black hole where my heart used to be. “I didn’t betray you!” I nearly shout. “I did what you told me to do! You were the one who made me promise that I’d only play it if you were in danger, remember?!”
“And obviously I was in danger, since I got voted out!” He stops and takes a deep breath, visibly attempting to calm down.
“Look, just try to see it from my perspective, okay? You just spent the last hour doing your level best to convince the jury that you played this amazing strategic game, that you were on top of everything from beginning to end, right? And now you’re telling me the exact opposite, that you had no idea I was going home. What am I supposed to believe?”
My vision goes blurry. “You’re supposed to believe the truth,” I say, blinking away a tear.
“You’re right. I should have played my idol for you.
If I could go back and do it differently, I gladly would.
But holding onto it was a mistake, not some nefarious plot to send you home.
My feelings for you are real, and I would never, ever do that to you. ”
Tears begin to fall down his face, and he looks away again. “My feelings were real too,” he says, his voice quivering. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you could have saved me and didn’t.”
I step closer to him, gently cupping his face with both hands. “Please, Cole,” I whisper into the canyon that separates us. “I’m begging you, don’t throw away everything we have because of one mistake.”
For a second that feels like a lifetime, he just stands there silently, unmoving as a statue. Then he sighs and pulls away from me. “I’m sorry,” he says, his eyes not quite meeting mine. “I think … I think I just need some time.”
Without giving me a chance to respond, he turns away and leaves the room. His footsteps echo in the caverns of my mind, and even though I might have just won the game, it feels like I’ve lost everything.