Chapter 25 #2
Then it moves back to the three women sitting around the fire again, where they begin to hash out the details of their plan, strategizing how to keep me from finding out they’re targeting Cole.
Meanwhile, I put my head in my hands, the anguish I’m feeling now tinged with bitterness.
I knew I was telling the truth when I told Cole I didn’t betray him when we talked after the final tribal council, but I had no way to prove it.
All I had was my own word, and that clearly wasn’t enough for him.
Now the evidence is right in front of me, on a giant TV screen, being broadcast for the whole world to see.
I still should have played my idol for Cole or just given it to him and let him decide whether to play it, and I regret not doing that.
But this proves that I had no reason to think he was in danger, because Rhonda was telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. He broke up with me for nothing.
It’s all too much to handle, and an overwhelming desire to flee, to be somewhere, anywhere else, takes over me.
I jump up from my seat and all but run out of the room, not caring what the others think.
How could he do that to me? I stumble down the hall towards my dressing room, blindly grasping for the handle, barely able to see where I’m going through my tears.
But just as I reach the door, I hear a voice behind me, from the very last person I want to talk to right now.
“Ry, wait!”
I turn to see Cole running up to me, his face flushed. “What do you want?” I ask, my muscles quivering and my voice taut. “Come to kick me while I’m down?”
He skids to a stop in front of me, slightly out of breath. “I just wanted to talk to you,” he says, the words tumbling out like he’s been holding them in for months. “Privately, I mean.”
I narrow my eyes at him, my heart pounding like a drum. How dare he try this shit after what he did to me? “You want to talk?” I hiss. “What is there to talk about? I have nothing to say to you.”
“Please, Ry.” He steps forward; unlike his voice, his movements are slow, as though he’s afraid I’ll get spooked if he moves too fast. “Just for a moment. That’s all I ask. If you don’t like what I have to say, then I’ll leave.”
I consider him silently, then jerk my head towards the door, pushing down on my anger as best I can. I have a feeling he’s not going to give up easily, and I might as well get this over with. Besides, it’s not like this whole situation can get any worse than it is right now.
He follows me into the dressing room, carefully closing the door behind him. The episode is playing on a small TV in one corner, but I don’t bother to turn it off. I want him to see just how wrong he was.
Cole turns to me, blinking rapidly. “Listen,” he continues, his voice low. “I understand that you’re furious with me right now, and I don’t blame you. I guess I just …” He sighs and runs a hand through his blond hair. “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
My vision goes red, and I take a step towards him.
Despite the fact that he outweighs me by at least twenty-five pounds, he flinches.
“You’re sorry?” I say, my voice heated. “We haven’t talked in months, and that’s all you have to say to me?
The last time I saw you, you accused me of betraying you!
Now you know the truth, and all you can say is I’m sorry? !”
At least he has the decency to look abashed.
“You’re right,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I fucked up big time. I realized as soon as I got home that you would never do that to me. It’s just …
well, when I saw you sitting next to Rhonda at the end, all I could think was that it should have been me sitting next to you, not her.
And then when we talked right after, I let my paranoia get the better of me.
You didn’t deserve that, and I should never have reacted the way I did.
I’ve been beating myself up about it for the last eight months. ”
If anything, his apology only makes me angrier. “You’re damn right that I didn’t deserve it. But why are you only telling me this now, when you apparently figured it out several fucking months ago?”
“I wanted to tell you before. But I wasn’t sure you’d want to talk to me.
” He makes a sound that’s somewhere between a laugh and a sniffle.
“I was so nervous about seeing you tonight that I almost made myself sick. That’s why I was late getting here in the first place.
Besides, I knew if I was going to apologize, it had to be in person, and I was afraid that if I showed up at your apartment out of nowhere, you’d just slam the door in my face.
I think that might have broken me for good. ”
He sounds so sincere, like he actually would’ve been hurt if I’d ignored him. That, plus the undertone of raw grief I hear in his voice, dispels my anger, leaving only emptiness behind. “What do you want, Cole?” I repeat, my voice leaden. “Just tell me already so I can go back to the green room.”
He steps forward, stopping barely a few inches away from me, and I let him take my hand in his.
“I want to be with you,” he says, his voice as soft as his touch.
“I pushed you away, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. You’re still the most amazing, wonderful man I’ve ever met, and I was a fool to forget it.
If you don’t want to be with me, then just say the word, and I’ll leave you alone.
But I’m not going to leave here without at least trying to make things right. ”
I thought I was done crying, but apparently I was wrong, because tears once again come to my eyes.
His words have given me something I thought was impossible: hope.
He wants to be with me? Even though I tried to move on, I can’t deny that part of me still wants him almost as badly as I did the day I first saw him, if not more.
But another, larger part is wary, because I’ve felt this same hope before.
“I want to be with you too,” I say, my voice shaky, barely above a whisper.
“But first, I need you to promise me you truly mean it. You really hurt me, and I can’t—I won’t—go through that again.
If you aren’t absolutely, positively certain, then tell me now, so I can save myself the heartbreak. ”
“I mean it, Ry. I can’t promise that I’ll be a perfect boyfriend, or that dating me will be completely smooth sailing one hundred percent of the time.
” He lifts my hand up to his lips, lightly kissing my knuckles.
“But I can promise you that I’ll give it my best shot, and that I’ll never hurt you like that ever again. ”
He falls silent, clearly waiting for me to respond, but for once in my life, I have no idea what to say.
I want to believe he’s telling the truth so badly it hurts.
But if he was so willing to throw me away because of a misunderstanding, who’s to say it won’t happen the next time we hit a bump?
I’d be the world’s biggest idiot if I allowed myself to walk into that trap.
On the other hand, if I let him go now, will I regret it forever?
I’m still undecided when I hear my own name coming from behind me. I turn to see the finale episode playing on the small TV in the corner, and wince when I see that it’s showing the tribal council where Cole was voted out. If only I had just played my idol for him, I could have avoided all of this.
I move to look away, but Cole places a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Please watch it,” he says softly. “I think you’ll want to see what comes next.”
I nod silently and focus on the TV, not trusting myself to speak right now, even though I’m incredibly curious.
On the screen, Alex finishes asking questions, and the five of us go up to cast our votes.
It hurts to watch knowing what’s about to happen, and when Alex comes back with the urn and asks if anyone wants to play an idol, I almost have to turn away again.
But I power through, steeling myself as he reads the votes, announces that Cole has been voted off, and takes Cole’s insignia and snaps it in half.
The camera lingers on my face as Cole walks down the ramp, an expression of pure devastation reflecting the heartbreak I felt inside.
Then the camera cuts to Cole, sitting by himself in an area surrounded by torches.
This must be his last words—everyone who’s voted out gets to say a sentence or two right after they leave, and the editors usually play it over the end credits.
I look at him questioningly, the real him, and he just nods to the TV.
Screen-Cole looks ragged, his face puffy, like he’s been crying.
“I didn’t see that coming at all,” he says, his voice trembling.
“I’m sad that I won’t win, but I’m even more sad that I’m leaving Ry behind, because …
” He takes a breath and leans toward the camera, his jaw set.
“Ry, if you’re watching this, I want you to know that I love you.
I’ll miss you so much, and I can’t wait to hang out with you once all this is over. ”
I turn back to the real Cole, tears in my eyes again. “Did you really mean it?” I ask, my voice uneven. “Do you really mean it?”
“I did, and I do.” His eyes are locked onto mine, leaving no room for doubt. “I love you, Ry, and I always will.”
All remaining shreds of resistance in my mind dissipate, and I gather him into my arms and kiss him deeply before pulling away again. “Oh, Cole,” I breathe. “I love you too.”
This time when he kisses me, his lips as soft as moonlight reflecting off the ocean, and it feels incredible. More than that, it feels right, like we were always meant to be together. I’ve missed him so much.
After a few seconds, he leans back again, although his body is still pressed up against mine. “Does this mean you’ll give me a chance?” he whispers, grinning and tilting his head slightly.