Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
Emilia
Hold up, hold up!” Heidi exclaims, holding her hands out in front of her. “Are you being serious?” Her wide eyes bounce between Kayla and me. “Zac really… teased the cherry?”
“What?” Kayla grimaces, hoisting her bag higher on her shoulder. “He fingered her, Heidi. Call it what it is.”
“Kayla!”
“She’s right,” I say. “My cherry was popped a long time ago.”
“Rayden?” Kayla asks, one brow raised, a teasing edge to her voice. I purse my lips, tilting my head as we step over a puddle, and a small laugh slips through her lips. “I’m not gonna punch you. It was a long time ago.”
“Fine,” I mutter. “It was Rayden.”
“Me too,” Kayla says.
Heidi stops walking altogether, eyes wide, lips parted. “And you’re both okay with that?”
I shrug, and Kayla does, too. A couple passes us, and we cross the street.
“He was… something else,” Kayla says finally.
A smirk pulls at my mouth, and I hitch my bag higher on my shoulder. “She’s right, Heid. There was something about Rayden back then that none of the girls could resist.”
“Wait…” Heidi’s pitch jumps an octave. “Did he sleep with more than just you two?”
“Probably.”
“I’d be surprised if he didn’t.”
Heidi’s mouth drops open. “But he’s… so…” she trails off.
“Handsome?” Kayla offers, her tone teasing.
“Muscular?” I add.
“Sexy?”
“Desirable?”
“Delicious?”
“Alright, alright! I don’t get you two,” Heidi exclaims, shaking her head.
“I’m surprised you’re not still screwing the same man.
” Our laughter fades, and the sound of my boots against the pavement becomes deafening.
The events of twelve days ago flash to the front of my mind, and Heidi’s cheeks flush as the silence stretches.
“Not that I… I didn’t mean… I know you aren’t… ”
“Heidi, it’s fine,” I say quickly, forcing a small smile.
“Yeah,” Kayla murmurs, wrapping her arms around herself.
As we pass under a small bridge, a shadow slides across Kayla’s face, but it’s more than the bridge that darkens her expression. Her jaw tightens, eyes fixed ahead.
“Is there… any news about your mum?” I ask softly.
Her shoulders stiffen, and she looks away. “No.”
“I’m sorry, Kayla—”
“I’m sure your mum—”
“So, you want to sleep with Zac?” she blurts, snapping her head towards us, a fake, too-bright smile across her face.
Despite wanting to dig deeper, to make sure Kayla is actually okay, I can tell she needs a distraction.
And maybe an impromptu intervention for me, to figure out if I should act on my stupid, spiralling desire for Zac, is just what she needs.
So I let her have it.
“Why not?” I shrug.
Ever since that night, every single time I see him, my eyes can’t help but magnetise, tracing the sharp lines of his jaw, the amber of his gaze, the way his body moves.
It’s pathetic. After the newest fucking wet dream about the man, I woke up this morning alone in that double bed and decided I had to talk this out.
But not with Zac.
With my two friends, as we make our way to work.
“It might complicate things,” Heidi says. “Someone always catches feelings when sex is involved.”
“I disagree,” Kayla replies. “It hasn’t really worked out that way for Jace and I. We’re sleeping together, but honestly, other than that, we’re definitely more friends than… romantic.”
“There you go.” I point at Kayla and smirk at Heidi.
Heidi frowns. “It’s only been twenty-seven days.”
“Alright, but don’t forget Rayden and I have been going at it for years with no strings attached,” I remind her.
Heidi’s head snaps towards me, and Kayla’s lips press together. “When it comes to your feelings, maybe,” Heidi says carefully. “But Rayden definitely feels something.”
I laugh, but it’s forced. “What? No!”
Kayla exhales. “I disagree. He definitely does.”
“What? You know more than anyone—”
“How he finally threw me aside and didn’t come back again?” she fills in, tone flat, but eyes light. “Post-war Rayden is a different man; he made his choice, very early on.”
My chest tightens. “You’re mad—”
“He told me we’d had a ‘fun few years’ when I came back to Nottingham,” she says. “He was hooked on you, Mils. Still is.”
Her words hit harder than I want to admit, and my stomach knots, but I try to shrug it off. “You’re both delusional. We’re just friends.”
Kayla hums, and Heidi shrugs.
“And anyway, I don’t even like Zac as a friend,” I say. “He definitely doesn’t like me.”
“So, why do you want to do this?” Heidi asks softly.
I sigh, gripping the strap of my bag tighter. “Why not? I have needs.”
Kayla hums in agreement. “Amen.”
“Mils, I really don’t think sex is the answer…” Heidi says gently.
“And what is?” I shoot back. “Holding out for someone who’ll love me? That’s impossible in this day and age,” I counter. “Besides, Rayden’s… off limits for now.”
“I say, go for it, girl.” Kayla shrugs. “It’s not like Jace and I waited for anything.”
“I just don’t want you getting hurt.” Heidi reaches over and squeezes my hand.
“I know.” I smile, though I’m not sure it reaches my eyes. “Somehow, I can’t see Zac wanting it anyway.”
“Why?” Kayla frowns.
“Something about him seems… rattled since the other night,” I admit.
He’s not avoiding me, as such; he’s been at home both evenings, and he’s made dinner both nights, too.
Our conversations have been tense, though, focused on small talk and avoiding the pressing questions that hang between us.
The ones I want to throw at him, the same ones he’s ignoring.
I’m trying to give him time, to show him that I’m not the liability he deems me to be, but I’m running out of patience.
I want answers about that bar before the week is out.
“You know what you need to do,” Kayla says, reaching up and gesturing to her body. “Seduce him.”
“That black lacy bodysuit you asked me whether Rayden would like last year should do it.” Heidi snorts, crossing her arms over her chest.
“What were you doing the other night?” Kayla asks. “When he gave in?”
“I… We were arguing,” I admit.
Heidi’s brow lifts, and Kayla smirks. “Sounds to me like you just need to rile him up.”
“Talking of which, this has been great, but I’ve got to get to work before the Enforcers get riled up for all the wrong reasons,” Heidi says, nudging my shoulder. “I’ll see you later.”
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I call after her.
“Bye,” Kayla says.
My brunette friend slips away, heading down the street towards the office blocks as Kayla and I continue on our way, the sun already bright for a late June day.
“I’m honestly here for you, Kay,” I say softly. Her shoulders tense, lips pursing. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but it’s not good to sweep things under the rug.”
Her voice is small when she replies. “I know.”
“Just make sure you at least talk to your other friends, okay?”
It’s quiet for all of five seconds before she answers, “I don’t have any other friends.”
I blink. “You… What?”
She shrugs, toe kicking at a loose bit of gravel. “Molly, Phoebe, Mia, Toni… they all died in the war.”
“I know, but…”
Kayla turns to me, one brow raised. “I didn’t find it so easy afterwards. Didn’t want to replace them… didn’t really try either.”
“Me neither,” I admit, the words settling heavy over the two of us.
She huffs a short laugh. “What a fall from grace you had, Emilia Burton.”
I smirk. “You too, Kayla Downing.”
For a moment, neither of us says anything.
Our footsteps—mine louder than hers—slap against the cracked pavement.
Six and a half years ago, I never would’ve imagined this; traipsing through the ruins of our old city together, on our way to work on a farm, united in grief, none of our petty fights meaning anything.
The two of us civil, side by side… friendly.
I never would’ve imagined the whirlwind that is Zac Hastings either.
His quiet, unexpected kindness still throws me. The dinners cooked without argument, stargazing in the yard, self-defence training.
But then he disappears without warning. Holds secrets that he refuses to share. Bursts with anger that fucking bites...
The same anger that turned into something else the other night.
Something unexpected. Surprising.
I can still feel it. The pull of him, the roughness of his touch, the way the air vanished between us.
He made me forget the world. Forget the lies.
Forget myself. But when we walked home in silence, and I went upstairs, collapsing into bed alone, I felt restless.
Hungry. Like he’d given me a taste of something so addictive, so impossible to let go of, that I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing him on the back of my eyelids.
Without feeling the ghost of his fingers on my skin.
And now, I don’t know what to do with the need left burning inside me.
“It’s probably really stupid, isn’t it?” I ask her. “To consider… Zac…”
Kayla shrugs. “In a world like ours, you have nothing to lose, Mils.”