Chapter 51
Chapter Fifty-One
Emilia
Eight more days.
I work in the fields until my blisters get blisters, and my legs stop aching, instead toning into thick muscles that I’ve never possessed before.
Bridget and I run most mornings, and before I realise, I’m running twice as fast as I was when I started, keeping pace with her, and doing triple the distance, too.
Claudia manages to get her hands on ten packets of biscuits, smuggling them back to the Safe House and letting me steal every single one for Zac’s homecoming.
I look over a map of upcoming truck deliveries with all of them, but find myself drifting off at the table, knowing Zac won’t be involved, and exhausted from Jordan and Kieran’s training.
I wake hours later, Anna still pouring over the map with a frown.
I shift, and a grey woollen blanket falls from my shoulders. Anna looks up, and my eyes find hers.
“Don’t look at me. Kieran did that before he went to bed,” she snaps.
“If you can’t handle this, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
” I flip my middle finger at her before dragging myself from the chair, leaving the blanket and Safe House behind and heading back to the Married Sector, collapsing into my unmade, untidy bed without even taking my boots off.
I train with Kieran.
I throw knives with Bridget.
I try to improve my self-defence with Jordan.
I practice with a handgun, Claudia watching from afar.
I run. I work. I eat. I sleep.
I work through the tangle of complicated, confusing, unnecessary feelings until I come to the realisation that I see Zac as a friend, that there’s an element of guilt simmering just under my skin for being the reason he ever even agreed to go to that party in the first place. I tell myself that’s all it is.
The nightmares still ravage my mind, and eight times out of ten, either Claudia or Jordan, or Rayden or Heidi or Sam are there, easing me awake before reminding me that it’s okay, lying through their teeth as tears streak down my face, haunting images of Kayla and Zac burnt into my retinas.
The other times, I wake alone, having insisted I was fine without them in the house. I shiver incessantly, spine flat against the headboard, and stare out at the night sky, letting the constellations distract me until the sun tears them away.
But as the sun rises on the 4th of August, I’m awake for a whole different reason.
I shower, roughly scrubbing every inch of my body before grabbing my navy jeans and white, open-backed top, hauling them on. I drag a hairbrush through my knotted hair, before descending the stairs and stepping straight out the front door.
The chill of the morning caresses my skin, fresh and fierce, grounding me just the way I need it to.
“Mils!”
It’s Heidi racing across the street towards me. She pulls me into the tightest hug her arms can manage, and when she pulls back, her eyes are glassy, both hands coming to rest on my cheeks.
“Are you sure you don’t want Sam to come with you?” she asks. “He doesn’t start work until later.”
I smile, but it’s weak. I don’t know what I’ll be facing today, although I’m trying to stay hopeful. Positive and hopeful.
“Of course I want him to come with me,” I tell her, lifting my hands to cover hers. “But I also don’t want to overwhelm Zac.”
She nods, swallowing, our hands dropping, laced together. “I understand.” She smiles sadly. “Sam and I are always here for you.”
“I know,” I say.
“Hey, Mils,” Sam’s voice washes over me, his hand landing on my shoulder before he wraps his arm around me. “You good?” I nod.
“She’s okay with you not going,” Heidi tells him.
He frowns, eyes flicking to mine. “You sure? I honestly don’t mind.”
“I’m sure,” I tell him. “But I appreciate the offer.” He nods, giving me a tight smile. “I should go. I need to meet Claudia and Jordan,” I tell them both, gesturing at the street beyond.
“Hey.” Sam’s voice is softer than I’ve ever heard. “I want you to know how sorry I am for what happened last month. For acting like it was any of my business what you choose to do with your life. You’re the strongest woman I know.”
Heidi smiles, nodding her agreement.
“And you can deny it all you want, but I’ve seen how you’ve been this past month. Zac means more to you than you’re admitting.”
“What?” I exclaim. “No, he—”
“Even to yourself,” he cuts me off with a grin. “Save it, Mils; I know my best friend. You’ve never been this way with a man before.”
“No. It’s completely different—”
“Even if you and Zac don’t work out, or nothing ever happens, please, listen to your gut, and what’s really going on in there.” He lifts a finger, tapping it against his skull. “You owe yourself that much.”
“I—”
“Em!” Jordan calls, jogging across the street in jeans, a blue tee and his black denim jacket. “Sam, Heidi.” Jordan nods in greeting, before turning to face me. “You ready?”
“No,” I admit honestly.
He nods, jaw tightening, his lips pressed tightly together. “Me neither.”
“Where’s Claudia?”
“She and Kieran are meeting us down there.” I nod, tugging my lip between my teeth as I do so.
Bridget and Anna are working today, and neither one of them could request the day off, as much as they might have wanted to.
They aren’t even supposed to know Zac, let alone be friends with him.
If they were, it would draw too much attention to the Resistance.
“We should go,” Jordan says, voice low.
My eyes flick back to Heidi and Sam. Heidi’s arms wrap around me before I can speak, holding me tight enough to squeeze the air from my lungs. “You’ve got this, Mils,” she breathes against my hair.
Sam’s arms join hers, heavier and steadier. His mouth grazes my ear, his voice rough. “Don’t forget what I said. Think about it. Don’t punish yourself just because the State are the ones who put you together.”
I bite my lip as his words circle my brain, mind reeling. I mean, sure, I’ve worried about him all month, but I’d be the same if it were Sam and Heidi. I’ve been scared for Kayla, too.
I force myself to turn. Jordan waits, hands shoved into his jacket, jaw tight.
Together, we move down the street, our footsteps echoing until Jace and Rayden step out from the last house on the row, their faces subdued.
No one speaks, but Jace gives me a soft smile, and Rayden’s brow furrow with concern. I tear my gaze back to the street.
The silence stretches, heavy and thick.
Sam’s words won’t leave me. They replay with every step, dragging every move, every decision, every breakdown over the last month through my mind. And even before then, to every interaction with Zac, every argument, every common ground.
But… no.
I got a tattoo, and that sure as hell wasn’t for Zac. No matter what conclusion Riley’s spun inside his own brain. The tattoo was my choice. An independent woman making a point that she’ll fight for whatever she fucking wants, despite the warnings from his friends.
My heeled boots are too loud against the pavement. Zac and Kayla flicker behind my eyelids in varying forms—bloody, beaten, smiling, unable to walk, okay, unrecognisable…
The thoughts hit like relentless punches, and my breath stutters. I press a shaking hand over my mouth before any sound can escape.
“Hey,” Jordan exclaims softly, grabbing my hand and pulling it away before turning me to face him. “Don’t panic, okay? Whatever we’re walking into, we’ll deal with it together.” I manage a nod, lifting my chin as his hand squeezes mine.
I’m more unsettled than Jordan, Zac’s best fucking friend.
“Zac means more to you than you’re admitting.”
The thought of what state Zac might be in has twisted my stomach since last night, bile rising in my throat and lying in wait.
The fear burns uncomfortably… because, really, he doesn’t warrant this emotion from me. He’s cruel, and harsh, and unforgiving.
Except for the way he practically bullied me into self-defence. Taught me in his spare time.
The way he stares at the night sky like a little boy finding wonder in the world.
How he stood up for me in front of Nina, despite barely knowing me. Despite hating the drama.
How he tried to keep me safe, in his own bizarre way, by keeping the Resistance hidden from me.
How he pinned me to that wall, eyes burning with something that wasn’t anywhere close to anger.
Then the courtroom. His roar as they beat me, the way he fought, blood and fury and defiance, until the very end. Fighting just to try to get to me.
My vision blurs. I blink hard, refusing to let my tears spill over.
We turn the final corner. The empty, clean white stone courtyard stretches ahead, a monstrosity that the State built in front of the old courthouse.
Claudia barrels into me, her long hair practically suffocating me as her arms wind around my neck. “Em,” she murmurs.
“Hey,” I say softly. “You okay?”
She pulls back, giving me a quick nod. “You?”
I nod, a weak smile on my lips. Kieran appears beside her, gently resting a hand on my shoulder. His usually light eyes are dark, heavy with concern. I give him what I hope is a stronger smile.
“Any ideas on timings?” Jordan asks them.
Claudia shakes her head. “No. The only thing they’d tell us is that it’ll be sometime this morning.”
Inhaling, I shift on my feet and run a hand along my mouth. “I’m just going to check on Jace,” I say softly before turning, heels sliding against the polished stone.
“Hey,” I say.
Ray smiles at me, and Jace nods, hands tucked into his jean pockets.
“You okay?” I ask him.
An unamused smirk tugs at his lips. “No. You?”
“Not really,” I admit.
Standing beside him, the two of us turn to stare at the dark, barricaded wooden door to the right-hand side of the building. There are two Enforcers standing guard on either side, and a shiver wracks my spine, but I clench my fists, exhaling deeply and keep my chin high.
Swallowing, I spare a glance at Jace. “Have you thought about what I said?”
“I have.”
I cock a brow. “You gonna tell her?”
“I’ll… yes,” he says, his gaze dropping to meet mine. “Maybe not today. But I will.”