Chapter 24 #2
“Because you’re angry that he’s gone, I would imagine. I know I am.” Melanie’s quiet admission caused me to swivel my head towards her.
She smiled tremulously. “I am angry. I’m angry that he’s not with us.
I’m angry that you’re hurting, and you miss him so much.
I’m angry that the boys and I are hurting and miss him.
I’m angry because he should be here, with us.
I’m fucking pissed because that accident never should have happened.
I’m fucking pissed because that semi driver drove for more hours than he was allowed to, just so he could get some damned delivery bonus.
I’m fucking pissed that he died, too, and couldn’t be held accountable for his shitty choices.
” By the time she finished, she was all but shouting.
Then, in a much more subdued voice, she added, “I would imagine that’s why you’re angry, too. ”
I reached for her again, pulling her onto my lap so I could hold her. She came willingly and we sat like that for a long time, her head on my shoulder and her arms around my waist, while I took comfort from having her close.
Finally, she shifted off my lap and stood. It was all I could do to let her go.
“I think I’m going to head out. I have some laundry to do, and some things to get ready for work tomorrow.” She took a few steps, then turned around to look at me. “Thank you for today. I think it helped both of us. I’ll see you at Kim’s office tomorrow afternoon.”
I watched her walk out, torn between the desire to ask her to stay, and the need to have some time to process the highs and lows of today before I had to bare my soul to Kim tomorrow.
Melanie was waiting for me in the lobby the next afternoon. For once, neither of us seemed consumed by nerves before our session. I’d spent most of the evening trying to sort out my emotions, and I was actually feeling hopeful that I’d made some decent progress.
After our usual exchange of pleasantries with Kim, I jumped in first and told her my plan to rebuild our foundation, and about the time we’d spent together – dinner, breakfast, and our first date.
“Rage rooms can be incredibly cathartic,” Kim agreed, then asked about our experience.
Melanie told her about the items I’d brought for her to destroy. “I can’t begin to tell you how satisfying it was to smash Mitch’s face. The golf trophy and the putter were nice touches, too.”
“How did it feel to watch her releasing some of her anger?”
“She was incredible.” I pulled out my phone and searched for the video I’d taken of Mel, then passed my phone to Kim. She chuckled as she watched it, then handed it back to me with a wide grin on her face.
“I think that was an excellent choice for your first date. The anger and pain is part of what makes your ground too unstable to build on, so I think it’s wise to get as much of that out as possible. And how about you, Ryan? Did you take a turn in one of the rooms?”
I glanced at Melanie, who returned my look with a supportive smile and an encouraging nod. “I did. It was…a little different for me. I started off cursing Mitch, and then somehow, I ended up cursing Grady.”
Kim shifted in her chair a bit, then studied me carefully as she waited for me to continue. I explained what had happened, and what Melanie and I had discussed afterward.
“I spent most of last night dissecting my feelings, and I think she’s right. I am mad as hell that Grady’s gone, and part of me is angry with him, even though it’s not his fault.”
“Grief isn’t always logical,” Kim pointed out.
“What I don’t understand is, why did I only get angry at Grady?
I was every bit as devastated when my dad died two months before that, but I’m not pissed off at Dad for dying.
I miss him like hell, and I wish he were still here, but I’m not angry like I am with Grady.
I’m not mad at my mom either, so why Grady?
It just doesn’t make sense, and I feel guilty as hell for it. ”
Kim said that it may have to do with the circumstances. “Your dad’s death was probably different because as we age, we tend to subconsciously prepare ourselves to lose parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles. That’s the natural order of things. How old was your Dad when he died?”
“Seventy-two.”
“So even though he had been in good health until then and his death was sudden, it wasn’t quite as unexpected and shocking as Grady’s was.”
I could see the truth in what she was saying.
“Grady died in the prime of his life – and the death of someone our own age tends to affect us profoundly. You had likely never imagined losing him, because someone dying in their late thirties isn’t the natural order of things.
That’s not the way it’s supposed to happen.
When you factor in that his death was preventable, and there was no legal justice for the driver who caused the accident, that only compounds your feelings and stokes your anger. ”
“My mom was only forty-four when she died…shit, she was Melanie’s age when she became disabled,” I pointed out.
Kim nodded understandingly. “Your mom’s death falls into a different category.
There is something that we call anticipatory grief, and it occurs when the loss is expected, usually due to a terminal illness or long-term injury.
The grief itself may have been just as profound as what you experienced when your father or Grady died, but you had three years to process it and come to terms with before it happened. ”