Chapter 21
KNOT OF INSECURITY
She was here. In his house. In his life. In his arms.
The fear that had been building in his chest, tightening with every tick of the clock, dissolved the instant he saw her struggling toward him with two battered, mismatched suitcases in tow, and the unmistakable look of someone who’d chosen to come. To muscle through her worry.
As much as he wanted to spend the night with her in his embrace, he had to give her some space.
“Can I get you some food or something to drink?” he asked.
“I’m good. I’m going to put things away. I’ll feel better if I do rather than having it hanging over my head.”
He wanted to argue but told himself the last thing he needed was to tell her what to do.
But standing down was a fight he lost with himself most times.
“I’ll go get your other suitcase,” he said and walked out of the room to grab it.
When he returned she had half of the first one unloaded in piles on his bed. Damn. Wish he were that organized.
“Go on, say it.”
“Say what?”
“That I’m OCD.”
“Are you? Maybe I should know those things. I just thought you packed smart.”
He threw his shit in haphazardly and had to iron it half the time. Her jeans were folded neatly, her shorts right next to the pile, then T-shirts.
“I tried to,” she said. “It felt weird deciding what to put in suitcases and shoving the rest in boxes.”
“It will all be here tomorrow,” he said. “Don’t worry.”
“I’m not,” she said.
She grabbed her jeans in her hand and walked into his closet. He wanted to follow behind her close to see what she was doing but told himself that was ridiculous.
Instead he unzipped her second bag for her and sat in the chair in the corner.
When the first suitcase was empty, he grabbed it off the bed and brought it back downstairs and returned.
“I put it in the basement,” he said. “I didn’t show you down there and am not sure what I was thinking.”
“What’s down there?” she asked.
He got up and followed her toward the closet to talk without yelling. He popped his head in and saw her jeans on a shelf, but nothing else. Her shirts and shorts most likely went in a drawer on that side.
“Another living room with a bar, a room I put a treadmill and some weights in, then storage and the utility room.”
“Can I use the treadmill and weights?”
He moved into her personal space and tugged her back into his arms. “Don’t ask me those things. You’ll make me feel bad. This is your house too.”
“It’s hard to feel that way in the thirty minutes I’ve been here.”
“I know. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt with that, but it’s difficult.”
“None of this is easy,” she said. “Do me a favor. Let’s make this carefree and fun for a week. I told myself I want to think of it as a vacation to ease into it some.”
“I can do that,” he said. “I’m on vacation right now anyway.”
“You are?” she asked. He was watching her pick up her neatly folded underwear and bring that into the closet, then come out and do the same with her bras.
“Yes,” he said. “I wanted to show you around the area tomorrow. At least in town. Where stores are, places I like to get food, things like that. The rest of your stuff will be here and I can help you at least take them out of boxes.”
“I’d like that,” she said. “But it’s not much. More clothes and shoes than anything. Books. I do have what would have been one box of books, but split it up so one wasn’t so much heavier than the others.”
“Smart,” he said.
When her second suitcase was empty, he grabbed that. “Can you wait so I can go down with you?”
He laughed. “Sure, but you can do it alone too. There isn’t anything scary down there to get you.”
“I know. I just like being next to you.”
He pulled her under his arm. It was the best thing she could have said to him.
He couldn’t explain the sudden knot of insecurity twisting in his gut. She was here, and even with the nervous flicker in her eyes, she looked happy.
“I enjoy having you next to me too.”
When she was done, they descended the stairs, then went to the basement together. He opened the storage room and she cringed when he tossed the suitcase into the corner next to her other one.
Not really tossed, just kind of put it down and shoved it that way.
“This room is a disaster. How do you find anything?”
“I don’t,” he said. “I just shove it in here and when I can’t find something, I assume it’s down here. After thirty minutes of searching I decide if what I needed was that important and might just buy another one.”
“Oh my God, Nelson. No more. No. Sorry. I don’t care how much money you have, that’s wasteful. Can I organize this space?”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“Yes, I do. The rest of the house is organized and immaculate. I’m trying to figure out why this isn’t.”
He’d have to be honest. “Because the housekeeper doesn’t come in here. And she was here yesterday. I had her come early this week so that the place was more presentable.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “Good to know.”
“Have you ever lived with anyone before? I mean in your room, not just roommates?”
“Nothing other than a dorm room. How about you?”
“Siblings and college. One year in my dorm and then I had my own room with shared common space. I didn’t have a lot of space growing up and like it now. I told you I’m sloppy.”
“I didn’t believe you until I opened the storage room door.”
“My siblings will say I am, but I don’t think so. It’s more about being lazy and not putting things back rather than being dirty. I’m not dirty.”
“I guess I’m going to find out,” she said.
She grabbed his hand and pulled him back to the main floor and into the living room and flopped on the couch with him next to her.
He picked her legs up and put them over his lap and held her. There wasn’t anything to do other than savor the feeling and knowledge that she was here and they could begin their life.
Her head went to his shoulder to snuggle in some. “Are you happy you’re here?”
“I am,” she said. “Scared, but happy. Nervous, but excited. It’s a lot and I feel alone, which is hard for me, but I’m adaptable.”
“I don’t want you to feel alone,” he said.
He wanted to say he’d be there for her, but he couldn’t be all the time. He had a job to do and West was being accommodating right now because of the circumstances. Next week he had to get right back at it.
“I’ll be fine. We’ll just have to work out a schedule of when I can get food and run errands. Since we only have one car right now, if you’re not using it.”
“We’ll figure it out,” he said. If he had to buy a second car he would, but saying that would only get her back up now since he’d tried it once already.
“We will. Can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” he said.
His fingers traced lazy circles over her shoulder drifting down the length of her arm. Her hand settled on his thigh, mirroring his touch with slow, teasing strokes that slipped beneath the hem of his shorts then peeked back out as if she was shy.
He knew she wasn’t.
“We haven’t had the past relationship talk. Not much. I mean in terms of partners and testing and such.”
He didn’t want to have it now either.
There were parts of his past he was ashamed of, but there was nothing he could do about it now.
“I’ve had a few relationships,” he said. “Nothing I’d consider strong or steady. They were in college and high school. The longest was a year. What about you?”
“High school for about two years, but we went to college and drifted apart. In college, just one that was about a year long, before law school. I was more focused on that. I’ve dated and had short-term things that lasted a few months, but nothing serious. I’ve only slept with four people.”
He didn’t want to give his number. He didn’t even know what it was off the top of his head and if he had to think about it, it might be worse.
“I’ve always used a condom,” he said. “I get tested once a year also. I actually got tested when I got home from Vegas. Just had an overall physical, all things considered. I’m clean.”
“I am too. I went to the doctor after Vegas also. Since we are married and all, I should tell you I’m on the pill.”
He looked down, saw her cheeks flush. “Have you been or just started?”
“I have been. More for regulation and making life easier than a birth control thing.”
“And you’re telling me this why?” he asked.
Her fingers were traveling higher up his inner thigh making it harder for him to concentrate on anything else other than if she was going to grab his dick.
He hoped to hell she did soon.
“Because if you’re okay with not using condoms, then I am too. As I said, we’re married. But if you want to, that’s fine too.”
He turned and had her on her back on the couch, falling between her spread legs, his hands on her cheeks, his gaze fierce and full of want.
“If you’re good with it, then so am I. You’ll be the first for me though. Just want you to know that.”
Her fingers threaded into his hair pulling his mouth to hers. “When we come together the world ceases to exist. I need that now. I need you to make me forget my fears, my worries, my concerns. Just let me feel you, us, this thing we’ve got that is so hard to explain.”
He didn’t need to be told twice.
His lips crushed hers, his tongue invading her mouth, then dancing to a tune that was only in their heads.
His hands moved fast, tugging her shirt up and over her head, their lips parting for only a heartbeat before he claimed her mouth again, hungry for another taste.
Her hips were lifting against him, his hand sliding down her side, her waist, over the shorts she’d changed into and under the hem to feel more skin. More heat.
To get it all, everything had to go.
His shirt was lifted by her hands, then they both wiggled their shorts and underwear off.
He had to get inside her. Had to feel everything she was offering to him.
The part of her body he hadn’t touched skin to skin yet was going to be his. He needed to claim it. Possess it. Possess her.
His palms slid under her hips, lifted her, spread her, opened her up, then he slammed in.
The moan that escaped from her lips was music playing in his soul.
He did it again. Out, then slammed in.
Harder this time. Faster.
Finding what they were both craving.
The thing they seemed to hold on to, anchoring them together to weather any storm.
“That’s it,” she said. “Keep doing that.”
The pieces of his sectional were sliding apart under her with his motions, but he wouldn’t let her fall, he wouldn’t let her go.
He lifted her under her arms to shift her higher, then followed along so they were on one piece rather than two.
He got on his knees for more leverage. His mind was telling him to go deeper, brand her, make her his even more.
Her legs spread as wide as the couch would allow, her hips matching every one of his movements, her nails leaving their mark on his back.
“Are you close?” he asked. “Tell me you’re fucking close.”
He gritted out the last bit on the edge of losing control and not wanting that to happen.
He prided himself on getting his partners there first and he’d be damned if the first time he couldn’t was with his wife.
“Yes, yes, yes!”
Her legs were around his hips now, holding him tight to her as she pulsed and throbbed around his dick, sending him over the edge of insanity with her.
He dropped and let their bodies just be... together.
To rise and fall as one.
Then he felt a pain on his arm. “Ouch. Did you just pinch me?”
“Yes. Don’t swear.”
He laughed and shifted to his side so he wasn’t squishing her. “I’ll try to stop, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, I’m not going to always control it.”
“I suppose you get a pass if you continue to love me like that.”
He kissed her on the lips. He liked how she said, “love me like that” rather than “screw me.”
Too many times it was what he thought of in terms of sex.
With Kenzie, it was everything he never thought he’d see and was damn—oops—darn glad he found.