Chapter 15
elaine
Vera barely moved once we got into bed. I couldn’t stop thinking about her there… about that intense look in her eyes that she only got when she was looking at me.
There was so much under the surface there. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Like glimpses of the woman she could have been, should have been, if they didn’t snatch it all away from her.
It was so compelling, those flashes of her true self. Like little vignettes of the greatest book I’d ever read, piece of a story so beautiful it made me desperate to read the rest.
And her eyes…
She was so beautiful, that smoldering look in her eyes as she evaluated the situation, always sharp.
And her arms. I hadn’t really seen her in proper lighting before. Back in the safehouse, when she’d taken her shirt off, it had been dim, and I’d been panicked. Now, though, when she came in with that light cotton t-shirt on, I’d found my eyes tracing the lines of her arms…
She was strong. Clearly.
And that was enough said about that.
I couldn’t believe the way my mind was wandering. She was an assassin. The only reason she wasn’t here killing me was because she was with the other family.
But also, she’d saved my life. And she told me things she didn’t tell other people. And she was going to be my wife.
It didn’t help that I knew she wanted it. That I knew she wanted me… that she probably wanted it right now.
This lurid part of me thought about rolling over right now and putting a hand on her. Asking her if she wanted help with her situation. Surely it was the least I could do for her… and for myself.
I pressed my thighs together as I tried to gather my thoughts, and I tried to focus on sleep. It didn’t come easily, though, aware of Vera’s presence just inches away from me in bed.
But I tried. I lay there for a long time, and it was late in the night when she stirred.
“Again,” she whispered, and I looked over at her, but I could see her face in the moonlight, and she was asleep. Sleep-talking. But she looked so sad, so… scared. “Again…” She whispered it again, like the word was hurting her.
Nervously, tentatively, I put a shaking hand out. I felt like I was approaching a wounded tiger—a powerful animal that could kill me in an instant, but I hated to see her hurting—and gingerly, I put my hand on her shoulder.
The reaction was explosive.
She bolted awake, and I gasped as she grabbed my wrist and twisted it around, shoving me down. I cried out her name, but it was a flash of pure instinct as she whipped me around until she was on top of me, her eyes like fire, pinning me down to the bed underneath her.
“Vera!” I gasped, and this time it got through to her—recognition flashed in her eyes, and slowly, she loosened her grip on me.
“Elaine,” she breathed.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I’m here. It’s just me.”
“Don’t touch me in my sleep like that,” she said. “I’m trained to respond.”
“You looked so sad. I didn’t want to see you like that.”
“My dreams are none of your business, Elaine.” Her voice cut me like a knife, and I pursed my lips, tears shimmering in my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and Vera’s whole face shifted, looking like she’d cry too. She slipped her hands up my arms, and she collapsed down on top of me, burying her face in my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me.
“Sorry,” she whispered, her voice hoarse in my ear. “Just a bad… dream…”
“It’s okay, Vera.” I took her in my arms, holding her tightly. “You’re safe now.”
“I was trying so hard…”
“Trying so hard for… what, Vera?”
She was quiet.
“Vera?”
“It’s nothing. Forget it.” She held me tighter. “You can ignore me when that happens. I’m… I’m used to it. That’s how my dreams normally go.”
“But…”
“There’s a reason they talk about how well you can sleep at night. I made a lot of choices in my life that didn’t contribute to that.”
“But you’re here now. And I see how hard you’re trying, and it’s… you’re doing enough.”
She tightened in my arms, and I almost regretted speaking before she pressed her face into the crook of my neck. My heart surged, butterflies through every part of me when I felt her nose, her lips, all brushing the soft skin of my neck.
“You’re too good,” she said. “Don’t start liking me, now.”
“Vera…”
“I’m not a good person. Not even deep down.”
I held her tightly. “Even if that were true, you’re still a person. And you haven’t deserved to hurt the way you have.”
She drew shaky breaths before she sat up again, nearly rolling off of me before she stopped, hanging over me with that smoldering look in her eyes.
Only this time, she wasn’t taking in the situation. She was taking in me.
In bed, underneath her.
“Elaine…” She growled my name, and my pulse spiked.
“Yes?”
“You should be careful.” She dragged her gaze down me. “I’m a predator. And you’re prey. I can only help myself for so long.”
Maybe I didn’t want her to help herself. I whispered like a prayer. “I’m not afraid of you, Vera.”
“You should be.”
“Then it’s my mistake to make.”
She bit her lip, and she slipped her hand down my side. My heart was racing as she reached the bottom of my shirt and touched her fingers to my bare skin, slipping up under the fabric. My breath came in short, ragged pants.
“I want to claim you,” she growled. “I want to own you.”
“Oh, God, Vera.” It slipped out of me without me knowing.
“I want to have you for anything I want. I want you to belong to me.”
“I…”
“Say it.” She pushed both her hands up under my shirt, slipping the fabric up higher. “Say you belong to me.”
My voice didn’t ask my permission. “I… belong… to you.”
Something flashed in her eyes, and I felt her fingertips digging hungrily, possessively into me, and then something flashed in her eyes.
She pulled away.
She slipped off of me with a frustrated sigh, taking her hands out from my shirt and sitting next to me, and she flopped onto her back.
“No,” she said. “You don’t.”
“Vera—” I sat up, but she waved me off.
“Go back to sleep. I’m sorry for waking you up.”
“Do you not want me?” I didn’t mean to say it, it just tumbled out. She shook her head.
“Not really.”
“Vera…” I shouldn’t have been so crushed.
I slumped back down in the bed, tears stinging at my eyes, feeling stupid, ugly, undesirable.
“I’m sorry.” I turned away, and it was quiet except for the clock ticking in the corner of the room.
Quiet enough I could hear Vera’s breathing, knowing she was awake. Knowing she knew I was awake.
Finally, she sighed.
“Go to sleep, Elaine. We have a wedding in the morning.”
“I am asleep.” I sounded like a petulant child.
“Funny. You’re talkative for a sleeping woman.”
“Well, I’m not the only one.”
“It’s not…” She let out a long, controlled sigh. “Elaine, of course I fucking want you. I just can’t make this thing more complicated right now. I don’t do… romantic ties. I don’t love people. I barely even like people on rare occasions. You and I are different beings.”
“Vera…” I turned back to face her, my chest tight. She kept her gaze up on the ceiling.
“But short of romance? I want to have you. I’ll spare you the details.”
I almost… wanted the details.
No. I definitely wanted the details.
What had happened to me? What had gotten into me?
I spoke in a whisper. “I know I’m not… the most… conventionally pretty, but…”
She closed her eyes with a frustrated hiss. “Elaine, do not fucking tempt me.”
“What do you—”
“I am so fucking aroused from being on top of you—from seeing you looking up at me like that—that I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Don’t even think about saying you’re not attractive.”
My face burned. I squeezed my shoulders together. My face wasn’t the only part of me burning… “Do you think so?”
“If you weren’t such a good person, Elaine, I would have you naked on your knees at the edge of the bed.
” Her voice was low, husky, shaky with want.
“I would have you pressed face-first into the sheets while I had my way with you. I would have you against the wall, bent over the dresser, spread out on the bed. I would take you over the balcony railing and let the whole world hear the noises you make.” She turned to me.
“But you’re a good person. I wouldn’t do that to you. ”
I thought every part of me was blushing. “I-I’ve never… um…”
“Had sex? I thought you’d done it all of twice.”
“No—oh my God. I’ve never had someone want me like that before,” I whispered.
She closed her eyes. “Fuck, the things I would do to you if I could get away with it. People have let you go to waste before.”
I didn’t even know what to feel. Except… warm. Very warm. “Are you… going to be okay to sleep?”
“Not at all,” she laughed.
“Do you need to, um… resolve… the situation?”
She opened her eyes, smirking at me. “Go ahead,” she said. “Say it without euphemisms. I want to see you blush.”
“Vera!” I put my hands over my face. “You know what I mean!”
“Go on.”
“Now I feel silly saying it.”
“Go on.”
“Do you need to… masturbate?”
“What, right here next to you?”
I swallowed, my face burning hot. “I wouldn’t… stop you.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh, yeah?”
I clasped my hands over my mouth, and I nodded. She grinned, her eyes gleaming.
“Well, aren’t you a considerate wife?”
“I just… good sleep is important…”
“Very.” She caressed her hand down her body, and I felt myself burning all over as she teased her own skin, just over the top of her pants. She drank me in, her eyes roaming my body, and knowing she was like this looking at me, at the body I’d hated for so long…
She pushed her hand down inside her pants, and she sighed with satisfaction. I couldn’t take my eyes off the movement—the shape under her pants moving as she touched herself. Her knuckles through the fabric… how she slowly increased the pace.
“Dammit, Elaine,” she whispered. I bit my lip.
“Does it feel good?”
“Mm.” She nodded, hazy pleasure in her eyes. “Wish it was your mouth, though.”
I heaved out a breath. She went faster, rocking her hips against herself. “Vera…”
“Say it again.”
“Oh, God. Vera,” I whispered. “Vera.”
“That’s it. Put your tongue out. I want to see how you look like that.”
I opened my mouth for her. She went faster, feet pressing down into the mattress, hips lifting.
“Yes, Vera,” I whispered, and she gasped as she broke, hips lifting fully off the bed. She screwed her eyes shut, a look of pained ecstasy on her features, before she slammed back down, breathing hard.
“God,” she gasped. “That’s better.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d ever been this… aroused. I squeezed my thighs together. “I’m glad I could… help.”
She smiled lazily at me. “You’re such a cute one.”
“Um… thank you?”
“Going to go wash my hands now. But just one thing.”
“What’s that?”
She took her clean hand, and she brushed her fingers under my chin. “Do not ever let me hear you insulting your appearance again. Do you understand?”
“I… I understand,” I whispered, my heart pounding. She smiled.
“There’s a good girl.” She stood up, heading for the bathroom with a more relaxed stride. “I’ll be back in a bit. Go to sleep. Good night, Elaine.”
“Good… good night, Vera.”
I fell asleep that night feeling filthy in the best way possible. Like I’d never known I was capable of this.
And wondering what would happen on our… wedding night.