43. Hazel
HAZEL
This has been the worst week of my life. I alternate between beating myself up for being so naive and gullible, and crying my eyes out because I still love my husbands.
Mom and Ember have both talked to me again, and mainly encouraged me to give myself time.
Neither one of them has condemned the men or said how awful they are, which seems significant to me.
When I asked them straight out what they saw when we visited them, they both say that the men seemed to respect me and genuinely care for me.
It reminds me of what Conal said, that there was something real between us right from the start. Mom and Ember also said, however, that only I can decide what to do, and that they’ll support me whatever I choose .
Bliss texts me regularly—not about the men, but funny videos, cute animals, and anything else she thinks might cheer me up. It helps, a little, but the mood boosts don’t last long.
Despite my fatigue, I can’t sleep. I’m trying to force myself to read a book when Ember calls. “You need to go to the band’s channel,” she says.
“Why?”
“They’re debuting a new song, live. I think you should listen.”
Has Ember been talking to them behind my back? But I’m too curious to grill her about it. I end the call and pull up the Black Pythons page.
Sure enough, there they are in the studio, just the three of them. Conal and Rafe are sitting in chairs with acoustic guitars, and Bron is behind them with his drum kit. My heart pounds to see them, and I want to cry, but I force the tears back and focus.
“We’ve got a new song for you,” Conal says. “The most important song we’ve ever written.”
They start playing then, and it’s slow and sweet, the chords gentle, inviting. My heart is full even before they start to sing .
Wand’ring heart, searching far and wide
for the one, the one who will abide
who will stay forever at my side …
Hazel, please, forgive my foolish pride
Tears stream down my face as they continue.
Precious heart, brighter than the sun
when we met, I knew you were the one
every day, until my life is done …
loving you has only just begun
The song goes on, and I listen to it all, my eyes fixed to the screen, wishing I could reach through it and touch them. When they finish, Conal looks right at the camera and says, “Thank you for listening.”
As soon as the stream ends, my phone rings; it’s him. He’s called me every day, and every day I’ve refused it. This time, I answer.
“Hi, sweetheart.” His voice is so soft, so deep, and only when I hear it again do I realize how much I’ve missed it.
“Conal,” I choke out. I want to say more, but I can’t.
“Can we come see you, baby? ”
“Yes,” I whisper. “Please.” I don’t know if it’s the right decision, but I need to see them, and I want to hear him out.
“We’ve got the plane on standby. We’ll be there as fast as we can. I love you.” And then he’s gone, before I can answer.
I wash my face, put on clean clothes, and fix my hair, but it’s another two hours before the men arrive. Reporters and paparazzi have already gathered outside the house, and they try to swarm the Pythons, shouting questions, as they make their way to the front door and inside.
My mother meets them at the door. I’m across the room, sitting in my favorite armchair, trying to get my heart to beat at a normal pace. “Ma’am,” Conal says, solemn, respectful, making no assumptions. Very smart of him.
Mom says nothing, except to me: “I’m going to pick your sister up from school.”
“Please let some of the security guys take you,” Bron says. “There might be a zoo over there, too.”
Mom nods and goes out. Immediately, the shouting starts again, all the reporters trying to get her attention. I watch through the sheer curtains as two of the security team flank her and escort her to the SUV in the driveway. I wait until they’ve pulled away before I turn my attention to the men.
They’ve gathered around me, and now they all sit at my feet, rather than opting for the other furniture, none of which is right next to my chair. Conal takes my hand; Rafe takes the other one.
“Hazel,” Conal says, “I’m so, so sorry for hurting you. It was stupid of me, and thoughtless, and selfish.
“This past week has been awful. I miss you terribly. I did have that fleeting thought about how marriage would piss off Alan, but when I met you, all I was thinking about was you. How beautiful you were, inside and out. How you made me feel.
“And ever since then, every day has shown me more and more that my instincts were right about you. I’ve never been with anyone like you, and I never want to be with anyone else, ever again.”
Part of me wants to throw myself into his arms, but I have to be stronger than that, so I take a deep breath and square my shoulders.
“I want to believe you—I do believe you—because what would be the point of lying to me now? But that doesn’t make everything okay.
You used me, Conal. You married me just to spite Alan, and you made sure the whole world knew about it, just to rub it in his face. ”
He frowns and shakes his head. “That’s not true, Hazel. You have to believe me.”
“The pictures at the jewelry store? Our wedding pictures all over the internet before I even woke up in the morning? You made a fool of me just to piss him off.”
“Hazel, I didn’t arrange any of that. Is that what you think? Media people follow us around all the time. You know that.”
He has a point. Maybe I’ve been looking too hard for clues that support what I heard him say to Alan. “But our marriage was based on a lie.”
“Here’s the full and honest truth, Hazel.
Before I met you, I was mad at Alan, and I had the wild thought that it would serve him right if I got married, but I didn’t plan to actually do it.
Then I met you, and maybe those wild marriage thoughts gave me the excuse I needed to take a chance with you.
Because I never imagined myself the marrying type, but when I saw you, and got to know you that night, I needed a way to keep you in my life.
“At first, I told myself it was a fake marriage, but deep down, I knew it wasn’t.
Was I glad that Alan was pissed off? Was I happy he saw pictures of you wearing my ring?
Yes, I’ll admit that I’m that much of an asshole, but I didn’t arrange for the pictures, and petty revenge was not the reason I asked you to marry me.
And with every day that passed, that became clear as day.
“It’s true that without Alan, maybe the idea of marriage would never have occurred to me, but I’m so glad it did.
I never thought I’d be a good husband to anyone, but you made me want to try.
Because I love you, Hazel, and everything between us has been one hundred percent real.
If you can forgive me, if you give me a chance, I’ll show you that I meant everything I said.
I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before. ”
Before I have a chance to respond, Rafe says, “I love you, too. Nothing’s right without you. Please come home, Hazel. We miss you.”
Bron takes my hand from Conal and kisses it. “I love everything about you,” he says. “Your kindness, your spirit, your generosity, your curiosity. Everything.” He squeezes my hand. “We’re all in love with you, Hazel. Will you please let us show you how much?”
“I love you all, too,” I say, my voice husky with unshed tears. “That’s why it hurts so much.” I pull my hands back into my lap. “But I don’t think I fit into your lives. ”
“You do,” Rafe says, with absolute assurance. “You fit in our lives like you were born to it. But whatever we need to do to make you comfortable, we’ll do it.”
“We’ll make everything up to you,” Conal adds. “We promise.”
I look into his eyes, searching for the reassurance I need. “So if you had to do it over again—if all the stuff with Alan hadn’t happened—would you still marry me?”
“Yes. A million times,” Conal says. “I fell for you that night, Hazel. I didn’t realize how much at first, but you’re everything to me.”
I blink away the tears in my eyes. “I love you so much,” I whisper.
He cups my face with one big hand. “Yeah?”
I turn my head and kiss his palm. “Yeah.”
Conal reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out my wedding rings. “Will you wear these again, baby?”
I can’t speak, so I just nod my head. Eagerly.
After positioning the bands over the tip of my finger, his eyes are on mine as he slides them all the way up, and I have no doubts at all about how much our marriage means to him. About how much I mean to him .
Then he pulls me out of the chair and into his lap. He doesn’t even try to kiss me, just crushes me to him like he’ll never let me go. I cling to him, and let the rightness of being in his arms seep into my cells.
Eventually, each of the men kisses me, and that’s what we’re doing when my mom walks in with my sister, who lets out a gasp worthy of a melodrama. I roll my eyes at her and smile at my mom, who smiles back.
Conal kisses my forehead. “We'd love for you to come back to Vegas with us as soon as you can. Will you come?”
“Yes, but I need to pack.”
“We’ll buy you a whole new wardrobe,” he says, and gives me a look when I open my mouth to protest. “But if there’s anything here with sentimental value that you’d like to bring back, go ahead.”
A few minutes later, I’m ready. I hug my mom and my sister and promise that I’ll be back to visit before long.
We all put our sunglasses on before we brave the gauntlet outside. The security team escorts us safely to our SUV, and we head for the small airfield where the band’s plane landed .
I sit on the plane between Conal and Bron, then Conal and Rafe, all of them holding my hands, touching me, kissing my cheek. Not constantly, but steadily, as if reassuring themselves that I’m really there with them.
When the lights of the Vegas house appear, I can’t deny the relief that fills me. I’m back home where I belong.