27
“We promised each other to be honest, and I wasn’t.” Jo took a breath to fortify herself.
When she had been walking on the beach, she had promised herself she would explain it to him. She had been so determined when she had been walking along the country road, sweaty and with aching feet, but now that she was there, opposite him and had to utter the words, it was much more difficult.
At least she could focus on his hands and not his eyes.
She could not believe that he had tried to dig through the chalk to reach her with his bare hands.
It made a tight curl of delight bloom in her stomach.
She tried to convince herself that it meant nothing.
Robert would have done the same for anyone he thought might have been trapped under the chalk.
Jo would have done the same. Yet it felt significant as she looked at his jagged nails and damaged hands.
Uncle Horace had, of course, cared about her, but he had been sick for the past five years, and bedridden for the last two, and Jo had been left largely on her own.
Beatrice worried about her, but she was in London and Jo only saw her infrequently, when her father was gone for an extended period of time, and she and Mr. Oakley came to stay at the inn for a few weeks to see her mother and brother.
Ambrose had known Jo all her life but would never have shown even a fraction of the concern that Robert had.
“That morning… yesterday morning,” Jo forced herself to continue. “I overheard Miss Fletcher and one of the maids talking in my dressing room.”
Robert did not say anything, and Jo was grateful he seemed to know she needed to gather courage to say the next part.
“They… they knew we had been together and I just…” She gulped again, not knowing how to continue.
“And you were embarrassed?” Robert asked in a gruff voice.
Jo nodded without looking at him. Her cheeks were flaming, and she desperately wanted the conversation over with.
She thought she heard Robert swallow a sigh but did not dare look at him. His hand was as clean now as it could be, yet she continued to wash it. She liked holding his large hand in hers and focusing on it, rather than his face.
“I don’t know what to do about it,” he told her at length. “It is inevitable that our staff will know about our intimate lives.”
“I know,” Jo whispered.
“We can be more discreet, but frankly I don’t want to. I want to have dinner with you in your lounge if it is what we prefer.”
Jo nodded as she dipped the cloth in the water again and turned Robert’s hand to clean his palm. She thought she felt him shiver slightly when she ran the cloth over the line that started under his smallest finger and extended across the palm to his index finger, but she might have imagined it.
“We should,” she agreed in a tight voice.
“But I am glad you told me. I will be more conscious of it. And also give you more time if you…”
“Thank you,” Jo interrupted and blurted: “There is something else though…”
She needed to say it now, otherwise she might never dare, but always wonder.
“I also heard the maids say that you are ‘besotted’ with Lady Egerton.”
Robert’s hand curled in her grip, and she felt his entire body tense. Jo released his hand and slowly sat up as she readied herself for whatever came next.
It would not change anything between them, she repeated as she met his green eyes.
Even though part of her knew that it would change everything if she heard him say that he was still in love with another.
How could she give herself to him, if it was the case?
How could she live with him every day, knowing he would rather she was another woman?
How could she bear his children, knowing that he had wanted someone else to be their mother?
The thought made her look away from him. But she was afraid that he had already seen the hurt on her face.
She was thankful that Robert did not ask her to meet his eyes when he finally spoke.
“I was,” he simply said and Jo was monumentally relieved by his use of the past tense.
He told her briefly of his meeting with Lady Egerton, now Princess Lucretia, that they had been lovers and that he had expected her to marry him after her husband died.
“Were you heartbroken?” Jo asked in a whisper.
Robert sighed as his eyes roamed the bookcase, probably in search of an answer.
“Not the way you hear about in poems. But I suspect that poets feel more deeply than other people or simply magnify emotions for dramatic effect.”
Jo did not know how to reply to such an answer.
“And my vanity suffered quite a bit. I honestly never thought a woman would choose another over me for having a higher title.”
This made Jo chuckle and she could not help but meet his eyes briefly.
“Yes, it must be rather inconvenient only being a duke,” she teased him, and the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled.
Jo felt the swirl in her stomach again, only stronger and more potent this time. She remembered seeing him smile at something Thornston had said at the Thistleworth ball and wishing that she could make him smile in the same way and now she had.
“Will you tell me if you ever fall in love with someone else?” Jo asked as she studied her hands. “I know one cannot control such feelings and I just… I would hate to hear it from someone else. Like a maid.”
“Jo,” Robert told her in a low, urgent voice.
She was surprised when he leaned forward and took her hand.
She slowly met his eyes. “I cannot imagine that would happen again. What I felt for Lucretia, it was…” He blew out a breath as he tightened his hand around hers.
“It felt like once in a lifetime. I can never imagine feeling that level of…”
“I understand,” Jo muttered. Each of his words felt like an awl through her chest. Perfectly aimed pinpricks that she might have survived one of but were lethal in combination.
“I hope you do, Jo,” Robert told her quietly as he studied her.
Jo met his eyes while she fought the urge to flee the room and cry into her pillow. She was desperately struggling to keep tears at bay now.
She had always known that she was an acquired taste.
She had imagined that if she ever fell in love, it would be after years of acquaintance.
She could not expect Robert to have fallen in love with her after two weeks.
She could not expect him to fall in love with her at all.
If she had been interested in a love match, she would never have chosen him.
It was a marriage of convenience and Robert was very convenient.
“It is my turn to be honest with you now,” Robert said as he turned her hand to lace his fingers with hers.
Why did her body heat at his touch when her heart was crumbling inside?
“I want there to be a partnership between the two of us. A friendship. I want us to come together in the bedroom as often as you are comfortable with. And I have to say that I want you as often as possible.”
Jo felt her body heat further at the words and at the memory of the pleasure he had brought her the day before yesterday.
Her body was craving it as well. All the while her mind was reeling with his use of the word friendship.
Two weeks ago, it would have been more than she could have ever hoped for. And now it felt… not enough.
She did not know when she had started hoping for more, whether she was even feeling more than friendship and desire toward Robert at the moment, but it grated on her that he was certain there could not be.
“But I also want to respect your boundaries. If you are not comfortable with it yet, we can wait. We can follow your original plan or make a new plan… What is most important for me is that you are comfortable with this and don’t feel rushed or pushed into something that you are not ready for.”
He was so kind and considerate that Jo’s chest ached.
She wanted the intimate relations between them to work just as badly as he did. She wanted them to come together and if a friendship and a partnership were all he could ever offer her, she had to accept it. They were married and she wanted the best possible outcome from the situation.
The image of her, Robert and their future children on the beach at Lymington appeared in her mind. She wanted that. She wanted them to raise a family together, and even if Robert could never love her, she felt certain that her children would. And with five of them, there would be plenty of love.
And the way to create those children was to become comfortable with being intimate with Robert. She looked at him with determination even though she was still feeling shy about what she was going to propose.
“I don’t want us to create a new list or wait any longer.
I am not… I am not ready to consummate our marriage yet, but I would like to explore the physical side of our relationship more and…
” She gulped at the intensity in Robert’s eyes.
His green eyes were flaring with his desire for her.
“And I would like us to form a partnership as well,” she forced herself to say loudly and clearly.
Robert’s smile was devastating as he leaned forward to kiss her.