Chapter 35
“Let me see if I have this straight,” Jude says from across a table in the corner of the brewery.
I’ve been sitting here for the past twenty minutes telling him all about Oliver’s surprise visit earlier in the week, as well as his proposition.
How I didn’t think twice about accepting and rescinding my offer to buy Vivanza.
How I told Haley we’d no longer have to be married.
Then how she told me those three little words that were like a dagger to my heart.
They still are.
I wasn’t sure how she’d take the news. I figured she might be somewhat upset.
I never could have anticipated she’d tell me she loved me.
And how did I respond?
I pretended those three words didn’t shatter my entire world.
But what was I supposed to do? Say them back?
She deserves better.
“You give up the vineyard, the place that’s been your life for the past decade, so that Haley doesn’t have to deal with that asshole, then when she tells you she loves you, you blow her off?”
“What did you expect me to do?” I shoot back, taking a sip of my pale ale. It tastes bitter, and not because I’m too much of a wine snob to enjoy a cold beer once in a while.
I have a feeling even the most highly praised wine will also taste bitter right now.
Everything will.
“Here’s a novel thought.”
He relaxes into the booth, scanning the bustling brewery to make sure everything’s under control. It doesn’t escape my notice that his eyes settle on Abbey, his new runaway bride bartender, a bit longer than necessary. But I don’t have time to call him out on it before he continues his relentless badgering.
“You could have told her how you feel about her. You can’t even sit there and tell me you don’t feel the same way. That it didn’t kill you to walk away from her.”
“She’s better off without me,” I snip out, bringing my beer to my lips and hoping he takes the hint I’m in no mood to talk about this.
Then again, if I really didn’t want to talk about it, I wouldn’t have come here. But where else could I go?
I couldn’t stay at the house, not with Haley and Maggie there.
Haley’s probably getting her ready for bed. Was tonight a bath night? I think it might have been. If that’s the case, Maggie probably has her bucket of bath toys next to the tub as she concocts extravagant stories in her head with her wild imagination. Then she’ll beg Haley to read four books instead of her normal three because she’s been extra good and deserves an extra book. At first, Haley will refuse, but eventually she’ll compromise by saying if she’s still awake by the time she finishes the third book, she’ll read her one more.
If I were there, that’s around the time I’d peek my head in and see Maggie fast asleep against Haley as they relax in the chaise lounge. Haley would attempt to pick her up, but I’d intervene.
Even when it wasn’t my night to read, I still liked carrying her over to her bed and putting her in it, brushing a kiss to her innocent face as she slept.
I’ll never get to do that again.
I remind myself it’s for the better.
Just like I have since I walked away from Haley today.
And pushed her out of my life all those years ago.
“Are you still stuck on that?” Jude retorts, yanking me out of my thoughts.
“What? She is. She always has been.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because it’s true,” I bark out, my voice carrying over the rock music playing through the sound system.
A few patrons look our way and I temper my anger.
“Because it’s true,” I repeat, this time softer. “In case you’ve forgotten, it’s my fault she almost died right before she left for college. She was stuck in a hospital for weeks because of me. Then had to have a live-in nurse teach her how to fucking walk again. Do you have any idea how much it kills me every time I’ve made love to her, only to see that damn scar running from her hip to her knee? All. Because. Of me. I couldn’t control my anger. And she paid the price. She would have paid the price again if I didn’t withdraw my offer. This time, it wasn’t just Haley’s life I fucked up. I could have fucked up Maggie’s life, too. This asshole may have withdrawn his petition today, but he can try again later. I’d rather not be the cause of it again.”
“Don’t you think you’ve punished yourself enough? Haley loves you, Beck. That proves she doesn’t care about any of this shit.”
“She’s better off without me,” I reiterate. “Her daughter is better off without me.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I answer evasively, not wanting to share exactly what Haley did say. That I didn’t ruin her life. That instead, I saved her life. “It’s done. It’s over. We can both get on with our lives and pretend this never happened.”
He studies me for several long moments with his penetrating gaze. As if the longer he glowers at me, the sooner I’ll crack and finally admit the truth.
“So you’re really okay with this?” he asks finally.
“With what?”
“With watching Haley date another guy. Fall in love. Start a family with him, all the while wondering what would have happened if you hadn’t been such a goddamn pussy?”
“I’m not a pussy,” I argue, rubbing the ache in my chest at the thought.
“Oh, no?”
“Like I told you…this is for the best.” I’m not sure if I’m saying that for him or me. A part of me keeps hoping that the more times I say it, the more I’ll actually believe it.
Because right now, I don’t know what to think.
All I know is that I’ll never be able to live with myself if anything happened to Haley or Maggie because of me.
“You know what? Fuck it.” Jude jumps to his feet and leans toward me, his eyes on fire.
Unlike me, my brother doesn’t get worked up easily. Not unless it’s something or someone he cares about.
“If you want to convince yourself and everyone else you don’t love her because you’re too much of a coward to admit your true feelings, then fine. Go ahead. But I’m not going to tell you that you did the right thing. Or say I agree with it. As far as I’m concerned, this is a giant fucking mistake. And if you don’t see that…” He shakes his head. “Then maybe you don’t deserve her in the first place.” He holds my gaze for a beat, then retreats, leaving me alone once more.
“I’ve never deserved her,” I mutter to myself.