28. Carina
CARINA
Ididn’t hurry home to take the test.
Fear held me back.
Worries pricked at my mind and kept me hesitant to just know.
All day long, I talked myself out of taking the pregnancy test. Warring with myself to want an answer and not wishing to face how much more different my life would be, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Time was running out, though.
Elena stayed true to her word about being there for me.
She texted and asked if I had any news.
She even called and left a voicemail with a gentle reminder that I didn’t have to face this alone.
Yet, I dallied and put it off.
Maksim came home, and because of this bubbling urgency inside me with the suspicion that I could be pregnant, I did my best not to be near him. To stay busy and not idle. To look preoccupied so he wouldn’t want to talk to me.
I bet it reminded him of how icy and cool I was toward him in the beginning of our marriage. After how tenderly we’d come together last night, it was a one-eighty.
But I just couldn’t take the step to knowing if I was carrying his child.
Once it became a fact, there was no going back.
While I knew I was his wife and I belonged here with him, that was just me.
If I were to bear him a child, it would be another way for him to secure me here.
I didn’t oppose that. I understood that I was his. But at same time, another reason to lock me into my purpose here would end up being a reason to prevent me from ever being a real part of the Cartel again.
“Carina? We are leaving for dinner soon,” Maksim told me, calling out to be heard through the closed bathroom door. I sat on the closed toilet lid and stared at the pregnancy kit.
“I know,” I replied.
Then I winced and stared some more.
Just take it.
Just get an answer.
One way or another.
I swallowed hard, hating the pressure to find out a truth that could further change my world and who I was.
If I showed up at this dinner without an answer for Elena, there was simply no way in hell she wouldn’t give it away. She wasn’t as good at being cool and chill with a secret between us.
Just take the test.
I winced, getting up to hurry and take it.
Then after the agony of waiting for three minutes, one hundred eighty precise seconds that I spent pacing, I had the answer.
Pregnant.
It didn’t take my breath away.
I wasn’t stunned.
That was how deeply I felt like I’d already known it to be true.
There it is.
I bit my lip and took a picture of the test to show Elena.
I am pregnant.
No more wondering. No more riding on the hunch that I knew my body enough to guess what was up.
I was one hundred percent, completely, officially, absolutely pregnant with my husband’s baby.
I would be bringing another member of the next Volkov generation to our family.
And the enormity of the discovery kept me more subdued and internally disoriented than I wanted to admit.
We arrived at the main house, and I immediately sought out Elena before we’d sit down to eat.
She was clearly expecting to speak with me, because it hadn’t taken much effort for her to usher me toward another room, away from all the brothers and cousins.
“Well?” She raised her brows and bit her lip. “Did you take the test?”
I held up my phone and showed her the image of the positive test.
“Oh…” She smiled before wrapping her arms around me. The push of her baby bump against me was just one more—very solid—reminder of how much I would need to adjust.
That will be me, too.
I’ll have a baby bump.
I’m going to be a mother.
Tears stung at my lids as I experienced a fleeting sense of homesickness, missing my mother. She would’ve been so thrilled to welcome a grandchild. My father would’ve been so proud, too.
The urge to cry instantly evaporated as another very different thought hit me.
In thinking about my family, the one I used to have, I furrowed my brow.
But what will Arturo think?
Elena pulled back, peering at me. “Okay, I felt how quickly your mood shifted. What’s wrong?” She frowned. “Is this not… good news?”
“It is.” I wiped my eyes. “It’s good news to me.”
She grinned. “And to Maksim. He’ll be thrilled. I can tell.”
“But what about my brother?” I asked quietly.
She sobered up, staring at me. “What… do you mean?”
“How will he see this?”
She huffed, almost incredulous. “Not to sound crass, but it doesn’t matter what he thinks. Right? You’re a Volkov now.”
I nodded and shoved my hair back, pacing. “But he will have an opinion about this.” I whirled to face her. “My God. What if this was his plan all along?”
“Huh?”
“What if he wanted me to get pregnant? If he wanted me to have a Volkov child that he could… that he wants to…”
“Carina.” She shook her head. “No.”
“What if he arranged for me to marry into the family so he could use my child as leverage or something? To use my child against?—”
She took my hands. “No. He can’t. He won’t. Maksim wouldn’t—none of them would let anyone hurt this baby.”
“But there has to be something behind it all. Arturo had to have given me to Maksim for a reason. He doesn’t care about the trade agreement despite what he said.
His actions are too sketchy to believe what he says anymore.
He had to have given me away for a reason, and I can’t stop this worry now that he’s going to interfere and?—”
She tugged me into a hug again. “Stop. One thing at a time. Tell Maksim, and he’ll explain that no one will target your child.”
I pulled free. “No. Elena, no. Promise me.” I caught her eye and gave her a stern look. “Not now. Not tonight.”
“Carina—”
“No. Do not say anything at dinner. Let me tell Maksim on my own, at home, where I can not have the pressure of all the others being there.”
She furrowed her brow but nodded reluctantly. “All right. But if Adrik asks me about what’s going on or anything to do with this, I will not lie to my husband.”
“Fine.” Hopefully, I’d be able to tell Maksim as soon as dinner was over and then that news would just be out there. “Let me get through this dinner first.”
She didn’t look happy about it, but she agreed to stay quiet.
As soon as we sat at the enormous table, though, the secret was out.
We took our seats. Servers came through to pour our drinks.
The second I put my hand over my wineglass to turn down the offer of wine, though, Lev noticed.
He sat diagonally across from me and Maksim.
“No wine tonight, Carina?” he asked, one brow raised with curiosity.
The room went silent as they all looked at me.
Or rather, I’d captured their attention by not immediately replying.
I couldn’t figure out what to say. If I said I didn’t want wine tonight, that wasn’t going to last long.
I’d need to avoid alcohol for months. But figuring out a more elaborate lie off the top of my head wasn’t something I could do at the moment.
I was still reeling from the worries I shared with Elena.
I was still accepting the results that I was pregnant, without a doubt.
Staring at the shiny edge of the plate placed before me, I swallowed and scrambled to speak at all.
“Carina?”
Maksim took my hand and squeezed my fingers.
It was the most intimacy and closeness we’d shared today, and the simplicity of his merely holding my hand pushed me close to tears again.
Say something.
Deflect.
Not now.
Don’t do this here.
Just breathe through it and deflect and tell him later and?—
He tipped my chin up with his fingers on the underside of my jaw. As I gazed into the sincere concern in his dark eyes, I blinked at the burn of unshed tears.
“Is there a reason why?” he asked of my refusal for wine.
I nodded.
Nothing else needed to be said. No other words or explanations were necessary. His gaze turned soft. Something like love and adoration shone from his deep-brown eyes as his lips lifted.
He knew.
Maybe he suspected.
But there was no doubt in my heart that he understood now.
He leaned in slowly and I closed my eyes. Grounded by the grip of his big, strong hand in mine, I savored the familiar and possessive heat of his lips against mine.
He kissed me, and I tuned out the sounds of the others.
Of Elena laughing lightly and talking. Of Lev chuckling and saying his instincts never failed him. Of Alexei asking what the hell was going on. Of Adrik insisting on a confirmation for what just happened.
“You’re pregnant?” Nikolai asked as soon as Maksim reared back, still holding my hand, still smiling at me.
I faced his brother and nodded. “I… just found out.”
“Seriously?” Viktor smiled. “Damn, that was fast.”
“Congratulations,” Alexei said gruffly but not without sincerity.
“Already?” Adrik asked with surprise.
“I didn’t plan on sharing this news. Not now. Not tonight. Not, um, not before Maksim and I could’ve talked first…” I glanced at him, assuming he’d be annoyed that he’d been caught off-guard. He didn’t look like he was surprised. As he lifted my hand to kiss the back of it, he almost seemed smug.
Like he’d guessed this could happen.
Like he’d wanted this to happen.
Like he’d be fine with this news and look forward to all that it could mean.
While congratulations were offered, I sat there and struggled through this dizzying and overwhelming mixture of emotions. Adrik was pleased with the news. The brothers and cousins saw this as a fortune, as well.
Which should have helped.
But it didn’t.
Spiraling between joy and fear, I couldn’t deny the uncertainty of how this could impact the situation with my brother. If he could try to weaponize it. If my identity would be challenged.
I’d been enduring the experience of being caught between two worlds, between two families, but now, with the start of my own family, with this new life growing inside me, I felt like I was torn in two all over again.
If not for the grip of Maksim’s hand on mine, I would’ve succumbed to the pressure of panic.
As if sensing how bewildered I felt, he gently squeezed my hand again, like a reminder that I could cling to him in this storm of unknowns.